I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
You all are such angels and inspirations to the rest of us. I'm not sure I can compete with that. LOL Carol, you are amazing, and an example to all, thank you so much. Take Care all, prayers, and have a great week end.
Nauseated (Lisa)
It would be wonderful if everything were live the "old days" when one person was home and it was possible to take the elder into your own home, without help. But seniors didn't live as long with such huge health problems. They died as their time came.
For some, taking them into the home still works. But for many, it simply does not. And when it doesn’t work, the caregivers need to drop the guilt, find good help - whether adult day services, assisted living or a nursing home - and, as you, Mitzi, have seen, understand that the elder is actually getting better care than you, alone, could give. The caregivers are freed up to enjoy visits with the elders, do extras for them, and be their caregiver in a better sense than a frazzled bath giver. Going for drives, out to eat (or eating at the center with them), many things open up because you are not tied to routine.
There's no right answer for everyone. Each situation is unique, and each will evolve. Just keeping an open mind is very important. So is knowing your limits and letting your ego go when you know you can't do it all and need help.
Once again, I have to say I've never seen such a great group of informed caregivers who've "been there." It's an honor for me to be part of it.
Carol
Consider things like a caregiver going into the home. They also have "companions" that will do housekeeping, talk with the person, help do some of the chores a caregiver may not attend to. Also look into the differences between the needs of assisted living as compared to a nursing home. You also have to remember that our parents back in the day heard horrible things about nursing homes. When assisted living came into play it helped increase the standard for elder care for nursing homes as well. They also have adult day cares (usually for Alzheimer's patients), but figure out the cost.
When the time comes you need to be informed from all sides which is best for you. I know that when I looked into the possibility of a caregiver coming into my parents home for 10 hours a day, we were talking just over $200 per day for not even a half a day. Then for my mother I had to worry about was she going to lock people out of the house, refuse to do anything, no answer phones, get stressed even more so and then call me even more. Were the caregivers going to be calling me because they couldn't get in, etc.... (taking a breath now)... then came the assisted living when I found the right one for my parents. The cost worked out to $197 a day plus medications. BUT... they have hourly checks on my parents, my parents have a nice size apartment, they have 3 square meals a day, they have someone to clean their apartment, someone who does their laundry, and in the end I have a LOT less to worry about because they have 24/7 attention.
If I was caring for just my dad alone before assisted living, he would be in adult day care, no questions asked, but the assisted living is now the God-send. Again, you have to do the best that you can with the ability you have. Its not wrong to go to your mom to provide care, because you are still doing it, but you need to prepare for options and do your homework. It will make for an easier transition IF that is what's needed. This is going to be a stressful time for everyone, question is how will you handle it?
Seriously, the advice to keep my mom in her own home as long as possible seems very good.
You are not cruel. I took care of my mother and disabled father for the last 22 years. I did, as you are doing now. Go there every day, take care of all the needs, pharmaceutical, groceries, banking, etc. I lost my home in Hurricane Katrina and had to take both my mom and father in to live with me. I love these people dearly and always had a very good relationship with my mom. Worse mistake I ever made in my life. Now, I am in a very severe depression. My mom doesn't understand I need a life outside of sickness. As long, as you can, keep your mom at home. I thought the trips I made daily, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, was the most horrible thing ever. UNTIL THEY MOVED IN. The 4 trips a day was a breeze. Take my advice, it makes the whole family ill. I have a 22 year old daughter and a 12 year old daughter, that feel I catered to my parents and they missed out on a lot of stuff. Your children are still young yet. Keep your Mom at home and tend to her there.
Marylynne
Nauseated
My brother is a prime example. He does nothing and never sees her unless he gets a free meal. I hold my mom responsible for my brother's actions and attitude. She raised him to be selfish. She now sees what that has done. He really is a big baby.
Mitzi, you are right boundaries mean that we respect ourselves and the ones we love. We show our children that we are valuable and that we need to be respected. We give them the message to love and care for our parents, but not to sacrifice our future and ruin the happiness of our spouses and children. We are the glue that holds our families together. Sometimes we crack and come "unglued". That is OK as long as we have a support system to back us up and pick us up when we fall. Got to go, mom needs to go to bed and my glass of wine is calling me. Take care.
lovingdaughter.
I'm not going to solve this tonight. Again, thank you all.
If I was as angry as people assume, I would not have helped my mother one ounce and she would probably be dead now from starving herself. I at least choose to provide basic needs with excellence above and beyond and anything mom chooses beyond the basics is completely her choice.
I also do not believe that having boundaries is wrong to have and since my aunt died yesterday and I have begun talking with family that I haven't talked to in 20 years (courtesy my mother), I am finding out that personal choices are a huge part of how are lives are completed. Many times as elders it is a physical or neurological disease, but such as the case with my mother, she insisted on things throughout the course of her life and she is reaping what she sowed in her own life. Surely, not by my choice. I would love to enjoy life with her instead of healing from a lifetime of hurts.
You should start a thread on this, it might be really interesting to see what people do have to say about our kids and grandkids. Maybe we will find out what our future holds.
No judgement - no blame, but might make a really interesting topic.
lovingdaughter
For me, I don't mind doing the caregiving, but when a parent is so miserable on purpose and they choose that for themselves, but sorry, I will not let it affect my life. Its hard to get past that fact at times, but after today, and starting to talk with more family lately (due to the death of my aunt), I can honestly say my mother chose her fate and there's not thing one I can do about it.
Also just a word, exhaust every avenue you can about care giving for her. If she refuses to give up the cat, then by her own choosing she has made her choice, and you have to make your choice based upon her decision. Family cares and provides for each other, but sometimes family members just don't care and are so selfish and they stand on the outside looking in crabbing and complaining the whole time that they are cold, but won't choose to step in the house with the rest of the family to get warm and enjoy a laugh or two. Guess whose problem that is?
Keep in touch and keep reading these boards for support. You will definitely find you are not alone.
I'm especially intrigued by the "Never let them move in" advice. It's seems really heartless... and really smart. Am I a bad son (yes, I'm a son and the primary "go to" caregiver of my Mom) if I don't let my Mom move in? I'm married with three small children (all under 8). Mom is 81, still has all her marbles, but she's been recovering from a broken ankle in a rehab hospital for a month. She's always been independent, but now she's learning (slowly) to get around on a walker. She lives alone in a secluded house with a steep driveway she'll never again be able to walk down by herself.
My wife is suffering from a severe possibly life threatening depression. She thinks we should take my Mom in at least temporarily. My mom would only move in if she could bring her cat. One of my children is severely allergic to cats and the cat triggers a mild (but unpleasant) asthmatic reaction in me. My mother believes allergies are all in your head. She got hostile when I told her she was welcome to move in but not with her cat. (The cat also triggers her own asthma but she loves the cat too much to get rid of it.) Even though I'm busy taking care of my wife and children as well as looking for a job, I visit her every day, arrange her doctor appointments, run her errands, talk with the social workers, pay her bills, take care of her cat... (My siblings live out of state.) No matter how much I visit her, she considers me cruel because I won't let her move in with her cat. Reading the comments here makes me wonder whether I should exhaust every other possible avenue before even considering allowing her to move in with us -- especially considering how unbelievably stressed our lives are already. How can I feel I'm anything but evil if I refuse to let my own mother move in? Isn't that what family does -- despite how difficult it would be on all of us? (I'm just parroting these words, but I can't seem to get them out of my head.)
Rest for as long as you need to and be sure that we care! Good Bless.
lovingdaughter
Anyway I hate it to when someone says they did such and such because of their childhood. I swanee sometimes I think they found me under a rock and said hey this will work and I been working ever since. I don't love my mother either I don't even like her most days but she's my mother and without me God only knows where she would be at least I know I am doing the right thing. That is why I try so hard not to get frustrated and just let things go. She can't see can't hear can hardly walk anymore and its just a matter of time and my job will be done. I worked in the school cafeteria to feed my siblings one good hot meal a day, I worked in the fields to pick strawberries and beans, tomatoes, cleaned churches, scrubbed floors washed windows anything to make a buck so we could eat, I vowed to myself when I was six years old I would NEVER be like my parents. Thus I am the kind of mother yours was and I cry for you to, I cry for the little girl in me who wants to be hugged by her mommy and sometimes I know this sounds wierd I just sit and get inside myself and wrap my arms around me and mother me. I guess we do whatever it takes to get us thru a specific thing, I always wanted to be a mother,a good mother, I lost a son I have one son and don't look like I'm getting any grand children so I suppose raising my sister and brothers and parents was enough for me the Lord decided. I appreciate your sharing some people really don't know how good they have it. I suppose that is why I use humor so much I was told humor comes from pain and I studied that one day and that is so true. On the 26th of this month is the 27th anniversary of my sons death I mourn all over again I thought it would stop but it doesn't get any easier who ever said that was just putting on a front or something. Just to hold him one more time would be so comforting but ain't gonna happen so I tell myself there are worse things in this world than dying because we all have to die and its true look at the people we are taking care of is that really a good life? There are so many things to discuss. I better get off here before I run out of virtual space. neon
How's everyone else today? I have a long mother story, if you all have the time to read. My Mother was my best friend and a wonderful role model. Despite some of the many horrible stories of her childhood, she made up her mind that she was not going to be like the role models she had. No disrespect to my Grandmother, who I was close to and miss, who died after my Mother. Anyway, my Mom practically raised herself. She would come home at a young age after school, and no Mom, she was in bars all the time. My Mom would have to go looking for her, to get money for food, there was never any food in fridge, no clean clothes, Dad left them when she was little. She would come home from school to find her older brother shooting up heroin with his friends in their bathroom. She decided she was never going to be like her mother or brother, and she was going to be a wonderful mother unlike her role model. Let me tell you she was. I didn't find out what her life was like until I was 16yrs old or so. My Mom used to do her mother's laundry, sometimes her grocery shopping, take her to the bank, doctor etc. Grandma was pretty independent. She was a wonderful Grandma, and I have fond memories of her, unlike my Mother's. My mother said she was a much better grandma than she was a mother. I didn't understand this comment until later. My Mom was impatient with Grandma, and I asked why do you talk to Grandma like that? Boy did she light into me, she said don't you ever ask me that question again. She said I love my mother, but I don't like her. Then she told me why, because Grandma was always fussing over me and my brother, "why don't you put a jacket on that child it's cold outside!", this pissed my Mother off because she barely had any clothes on her back when she was growing up. I said Mom, you didn't have to bite my head off, you could have just told me this. From then on I understood the years of impatience. I asked Mom, why do you do so many things for Grandma then if you feel this way? She responded, "because she is my mother, I Love her but I don't like her. Despite her childhood and role models, she was a wonderful Mother to me and my Brother. She always had a smile, hug, and kiss for me, and breakfast on the table when I woke up in the morning. "Mom I miss you so much!" I am crying right now writing this. So whenever I hear someone say, "oh, they don't know what they are doing, they had such a horrible childhood, they can't help the way they are, and it's not their fault", I say "so what, so did my Mother, but she didn't use that as an excuse to be a criminal, treat people horribly, etc." Sorry, too long I know, but I'm passing all this along to my Daughters, and they to their Children, and so on. Maybe there is hope for this world after all. Smile LOL Nauseated
The odor is a big issue, but you can handle it buying a few boxes of baking soda and placing it hidden into their closet, or in any other hidden spot. Also if you wash their clothes with a cup of Borax, the one that is called Mule Team, is very powerfull to eliminate odors.
I hope this help you.
best regards
lovingdaughter
Regards,
Margarita
Thanks so much for writing and keep us tuned.
Carol
...In my case is my mother in law, which is very difficult person to live with; and on top of that she is married to my dad, who is technically her slave, so it was very hard to me, watch and do nothing, watch the dump she made of my house, and do nothing. Even my husband who is her son of course, and a very good husband, did not say a word to his mother, but he was visibly upset and discharged in our son and me all his frustration. There was the time that I rejected to be home! That is not right, not for them, not for us.
Although we did not send them to a nursing home; they realized that they have to try by themselves having their own space and went to try. Fortunately, the place is very good and they are very comfortable there. Now I can say it was good for the family and our relationship are the best. We go to pick them up the weekends, and some of the weeknights because the ALF is pretty close to our home, and expend quality time with them. Finally, I can see them very happy, so we are.