I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Dear Vividnew,
I think you are very good person, but I think is not matter of to be a slave of your parents, it is about to take care of them and have quality time with them and with your family too. My dad used to help me a lot and I miss him, but two women that are not sisters or mother and daughter cannot live in the same house, otherwise it will become in a battlefield. In your case is easier, it is your mother living with you, in any way you learned from her all the ways you have to do your duties, to handle your family, housekeeping etc. It does not have to be the same but most of the times it is. In my case is my mother in law, which is very difficult person to live with

Hello everyone,

I hope that Austin is doing well with her surgery. I am glad she will have the time to herself. I know how important time alone is but surely after a surgery it will be so important for her to be able to recover without the extra burden of taking care of others. So I hope she is doing good and resting and getting better. Good luck Austin hope you are back soon.

I am doing good, my dad broke his arm again--always something but its nothing new so we just continue to go on and do what we do. Hope everyone if feeling good and taking care of themselves.

Talk soon, have a great day!!!

Alice

Sometimes I feel like I can not handle my mom any more, and the rest of my family feel the same and sometimes she acts very helpful and wise... Really, some days better than the others. I don't want to be my mom's slave but I'm so thankful to her for every help she gave me, that's why I'm sure I'll never send my mom to nursing home. I'll take care myself.

Dear ladymom59,

I took my mother to an Assisted Living Facility prior to our going on a vacation so that she could tour the facility. She was not happy, but does realize that my husband and I need this vacation and we need to place her somewhere safe. I am hoping that she finds out it is not so bad and we will be able to place her every once in a while so we can have some time alone. I am happy to hear that your loved ones are doing well and have adjusted to the ALF.

Dear Heavyload.
I had the same problem about 1 year ago, and I know how terrible it is, so I know as well how you feel. My dad and my mother in law moved out of my house, after 4 and a half years living in a nightmare. My mother in law used to fill every free space in their room with old stuff, papers, food, even garbage...the smell at home was so disgusting, but they are our parents so my husband, my son and I, beared the situation although we had arguments for everything almost every day.They finally decided to try my Mother in Law Assisted Living Facility and they liked it because the place is really good, clean, full of different activities. Their apartment has 3 bedrooms and two bathrooms and they have 2 of the bedrooms and a bathroom but share the living room and a kitchenette with another lady, and everybody is happy right now. We also decorate their apartment in colors and things that make them happy. The apartment is at 7 Floor, they have assistance in the cleaning, washing the clothes and eating...they eat three well balanced meals every day in a very clean dinning room...You can look around your area and do your research in order to find a good place that fits your expectations...you will see.

We're praying for you and awaiting your updates. Hope you are doing well! Anne

Austin, our thoughts and prayers are with you. Sometimes the only way caregivers seem to get "rest" is when they are ill or injured. It's a terrible truth that people (other than caregivers) don't recognize.

Blessings,
Carol

Austin, my prayers go out to you, that you have a swift recovery, and much needed rest. Take Care! Big Hugs, nauseated

Austin,
Today is Monday, the big day. How are things going with you? Let us know how the surgery went and how your husband is. God Bless

Lovingdaughter

Dear Austin, That is wonderful news. How old is your husband and does he have dementia? or is it really all about him. I am so glad he is going into rehab and that you are having your surgery. You know, you could not keep up the pace you have been going if you neglect yourself. Take this time God has given you and use it for you. Think about you! relax, you won't be able to get around for awhile either so hope you have some of your favorites on hand, read a book, crochet, embroider whatever it is that you can sit and relax with. I to hope you have some help when you get home. do you belong to a church community sometimes they will bring meals and some of us ladies, will tidy up the house, do laundry, run errands, etc to help a friend in need. It is good to have that church family. I belong to the Church of Christ and the members in our congregation are the most giving and the most loving of any I have ever seen. Thats what I get for living in a small town and so happy to. We are always there for each other no matter what men and woman alike. May God bless you and the hands that will perform the surgery. And please know that everyone on this site is praying for a swift recovery and some well needed you time. Love and hugs Neon

Austin,
I hope you know we care how you feel and we will be with you in spirit when you are going thru your surgery. I hope you have some help when you get home! Guess your husband will be in rehab for awhile, so you take care, rest, and get strong for yourself. We will be thinking and praying for you. God Bless

Just know that we are here for you as support and by our prayers. You are loved, by strangers, but our hearts go out to you. Hopefully you don't feel so alone, because even though we have never met, we truly do care about you. Perhaps you can talk to Social Workers at the other hospital too, to make sure you have the support you need for your healing, and help in the home if necessary. Regardless of what happens to him, I only hope you get the help you need for you. Keep us posted, and know you are covered in love and prayer.

Loving daughter- Lindam and Anne thank you for your kind words and support and prayers, I will be at a different hospital thank God once we were both pts, at the same hospital while he was in the ER getting admided and bossing me around with this and that I fell and fractured my head and was also admited and my son thought I should spend time with the husband and was in for two days and then after going home continued to visit him with out thinking of myself and did not earn any points with him. They finally decided that his leg is indeed fractured and will put a brace on it and start PT so that should clinch him going to rehab- I felt very quiltly for not telling him I have been speaking to the social worker -he will have a hissy-fit when he finds out on Mon. but I will not be there. but I will not take him home if he can not ambulate on his own and we pay big bucks for the insurance for rehab on top og medicare. He never even asked how I was feeling- it is for sure all about him.

Dear Austin, praying for God's hand to lead the Doctor's in surgery, and for your swift recovery. Also praying for you in this difficult situation with your husband, that God will help with all the details. If you could just rest in his care, and not worry about your husband. Thank goodness the hospital is on your side. Is that where your surgery will be? Will they be sensitive to your recovery needs afterwards as well? Hope you have a peaceful weekend, a please let us know how it all works out after Monday.

Austin,
I am very glad to hear you are getting your surgery done. Take care of yourself and let us know how things turn out. As for the husband, you know him and what to expect, so no surprises there. Just do what you need to do to get healthy. God Bless

Good for you. It is amazing how selfish our loved ones become when they are the ones in pain, but fail to see the pain we are in. I hurt my back today and just have not had the time to go to the Chiropractor. I told mom that I was going to use the jetted tub for a while to see if it helps. She said she wanted a dessert before I went. I said" did you not hear me?" " I am sure you just said after the tub, right?" She said oh, yes after. Just doesn't that beat all. Selfish, selfish, selfish!!!!!!!!!! Hope all is well with your surgery and that you are blessed with a quick recovery. Take the time that you need and do not rush your husband home. He will get the care he needs while you get the rest you deserve. DON"T BACK DOWN!!

lovingdaughter

I have not told my husband that I talked to the social worker at the hospital he is in about going to rehab I am walking softly and carrying a big stick this time and also told to see the orthopedic and ear docs thia time so when he comes home I will not be draging him to every doc for this or that. And since he just loves to yell at me I keep the visits short- at least in this hospital they are not trying to throw him out after one day and said he could stay until I have my surgery on Mon-when the social worker tells him he is going to rehab it will be the shot heard around the world but too bad he is not even getting out of bed yet and it has been 3 days so he will be weak but this time I am keeping my thought to myself he will blame me but it is him that is not trying to help himself. He just loves being waited on hand and foot.

lovingdaughter - Good Answer!

One and only,
When your mom says that she does not like the way you do things, just say to her" But mom, you taught me to do it this way!" " I am just following your example." My mom tried to control me, but we put a stop to it just by saying a few things that made her think about what she was saying.
Have you looked into care-giving agencies? We have a chain here called Comfort Keepers. They are really fantastic. You local hospital has caregivers that you can get for a reduced rate. Look into your church and see if anyone want to make a few dollars a week. That is how I found my 2 private helpers that I paid cash,, and one was an LPN who was very reasonable. Good luck

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all your kind and welcoming words. It is so good to be able to vent and share all of our frustrations with people that understand. So many people I know have no clue what a caregiver goes thru, only those who walk a mile in our shoes do!
As far as my mom, I really need a babysitter since she only takes 2 meds a day, she can walk to the bathroom, feed herself, read and watch tv. (Although she can't hear well). I have tried finding someone but most aides around here are more for medical help and very pricey.Besides I would be paying for someone to just look at her. She told me she doesn't need anyone to talk to.
My mom says every day that she doesn't want to be here anymore(live I mean) but the more she says that the longer she will be.
She is now on a pain patch that helps a little but that doesn't stop her from complaining about my cooking, way of doing things, parenting, etc. To be honest, she has always had high standards for others and herself so I am sure that is part of the problem.
When she says that she prays not to live any longer I find myself praying the same thing then I feel guilty for thinking it.
Such a vicious cycle. There are so many other stresses in my life right now that add to the big one....caregiving.......
I pray every day for patience to get me thru the day but I seem to lose it before the day is over.
Sorry I am ranting but thanks for letting me vent.
Oneandonly

Hi to the group and Welcome to one and only.

To one and only. You wrote that your mom doesn't like in- home care. I don't mean to sound callous, but too bad. She has to accept the care because you need the break. My mom has been with me for over 3 years. In the beginning, the caretaker I hired through an agency never showed up. It took me a month( all of December) to find someone privately. Mom said she liked it when it was just me. I sat her down and told her how it was going to be. We were going to have help and she was going to deal with it. Now she loves the 3 different women who we have during the week, and they are company for her. It is like getting a visitor 4 times a week. I get a life, and she is taken care of. Try not to give her the chance to complain. I cut my mom off if she starts and I say" OK, Mom, you can call the nursing home this afternoon, and they can come and get you." Shuts her up every time. We get along very well, and she has learned to appreciate me and realize that my husband and I do everything for her and that my brother does nothing. Now that realization was very difficult to come by. I am very proud of her for making that leap. If you mom has a sharp mind, you should be able to reason with her. Good luck, and welcome!
Lovingdaughter

Thank you ladies I appreciate your help and glad to hear that the lights are back on! Remember when the power and water went out in so many states, well I am in Michigan and it was very scary that day because after 911 we did not know what was going to happen...glad ours came back the very next day..

One and Only welcome--I know how hard it is to admit that we sometimes wish out parents would be gone because I admit I have thought that many many times. Sorry dad but it is so hard I know. I had my dad with me for a while that was the worst time because I felt like my life was over and that is what brought me to this site.

But through reading and the wonderful people here I made it through our most trying time....Thank you again. Still I know how you feel like getting in the car and never looking back, you know what life goes on with us or without us and believe me your mother would somehow manage but as you know this is a full time plus job and you with your grandchild and work--I give you so much credit--I was only going to school and taking care of dad and the husband and I almost had a nervous breakdown.

So you are a strong woman so you know you can make it. I know its hard to think of tomorrow or next week but we do it because we are loving people who feel the need to take care of the ones we love. I still don't know why this guilt thing always has a way of invading my head but it does and we should never feel guilty for wanting our own lives. You must put your self first at least some of the time--I learned that and it gets easier. You must level with your mother--dad and I have an understanding now, if he gets sick again we are going into assisted living because I can't do it alone anymore. I thought I was doing him a favor by doing everything for him but I was not so talk to your mother--she is hurting also and might not realize outside of her situation so you have to remind her you are only one person and maybe just maybe you have to take every bit of help offered or you won't be able to do it. I found that once I told dad I could not handle things he is more open to everything--he even took a computer class and loved it. Sometimes they don't know things are different today and the nursing home is not like a looney bin like in the 40's and 50's they are scared too.

So I say just talk to your entire family and let them know you need help. You will see it gets easier. Take care and keep coming here for anything you may need. Their are so many wonderful people who have answers for you just ask.......Alice

thank you lovingdaughter, the power came back on yesterday around 2:15 in the afternoon and the house warmed up nicely, I wasn't sure so brought home some hot food and boy I could have stayed in that shower until all the hot water was gone it felt so good.

Hello oneandonly, I understand how you feel we all feel that way sometimes. Mom just has to understand if she can that you are not her. That was hard for me and my mom she just wants to be waited on so in a way its easier for me just to do it and let her reap the benefits. but that to is frustrating. If mom don't like the way you do it try this approach okay I won't do it at all a few times, bet she comes around. If she complains just leave the room, sounds ignorant I know but it saves my mind, I just let her fuss with herself. That way she gets it off her chest and I don't have to listen. I have to do it one way or the other I choose the non confrontational. I did that, that don't work, I can yell louder but she can't hear so talking to myself, if she could hear I would still be talking to myself. Its pretty sad sometimes I think these doctors make us live longer, is our quality of life any better for some the answer is NO and the goal anyway from day one is what? So we do the best we can and try to weed out the parts that frustrate us and make us angry and I hate being angry I like peace just like everyone else. So it might sound cowardly but I just leave the room and soon it has blown over and we go to the next topic. Yes there is always going to be a topic But I honestly have to say mine has started to settle down a little bit since I made some changes and some time for me and time for me and my husband. Makes a big difference. Take care neon

I just started reading this site and I realized that I am in good company. My mom is 96, has lived with me for the last 2 1/2 yrs.but i have been really caregiving since 1995. She is mentally there but has physical problems. The problem is that I am an only child (dad is gone over 20yrs), I have a wonderful husband, 2 grown married children and I just became a grandma for the first time. I have my mom 24/7, I work from home and help my daughter with the baby a few times a week since she went back to work. I feel overwhelmed, would like some respite care and I am trying to find some for my mom. Not so easy.....she doesn't want to go and she is not happy with any in home care. My children used to help out more but they are not able to right now.
Lately, I feel like I am going to explode........I am always angry, especially at my mom and she doesnt make life easier and she complains about everything I do isn't the way she does it.
I want to run away....but I can't. I tried a support group but the lady running the group told me to send my mom to day care which is not an option since mom is not that portable. I took mom to the dr last week and he said she is doing well. She will probably outlive me!!
I just want my life back. I do try and get out once a week but lately I feel that is not enough. I sometimes wish that in the morning my mom just didn't wake up. Pretty sad huh.
Thanks for lettiing me vent
One and Only

Neon,
Hope your power is back on and that you have all had a chance to warm up. We got about 8-10" of snow yesterday, but no power outage! Thank God!

Hi to Frank, welcome to our group.

Alice,
Congratulations on your insights and standing your ground. The best of luck to you. Check into the respite care system offered by your state. Our private ones in NJ have a 2 week minimum!!!( nursing home too) We did the 2 weeks last year and it was very expensive(3,400.00). But it was really worth it to know that when I was away, mom was being taken care of. Good luck on your exams

Hi Alice so glad to hear you on a upbeat. Yes, my dad was the same way and before he died he was the dad I always thought he could be and would have done anything and did for me. Was so giving and loving. Now its mom I am trying to teach her to be the same way. We had snow in Georgia and power outage for 19 plus hours and no heat etc. so I had to work yesterday server went down and bad hard drive corrupted file etc took us all day to get it working but fixed it and in between took her hot water for her tea and covered her with quilts etc. took home hot food so last night gave her a hug and told her that I did care about her and she was going tohave to work with me I am only one person so today that can sink in and I try at my every turn to do nice special things for her so we will see if she would just meet me 1/4 of the way I could handle that. I am sure you are excited about finishing and starting a new career, thats Awesome. You will find a job. Take care and yes we will always write. ttfn neon

Oh not as an after thought but I saw on another thread we have a new member Frank Hello Frank and welcome, this site is so helpful and we are all in the same boat sometimes we have to borrow each others oars but its very helpful and I find I like to be an encourager and try new things at my house to make things more peaceful. I have to have peace than I can deal with anything. So Welcome aboard.

neon

Hello Everyone,

This is Alice, I have been so busy--thanks to everyone for writing and I really appreciate writing here. I love to be able to understand what we are all going through and beleive me it seems like in one way or another each story we can each take something from it like we have been in the same situation or close to it. Thanks for being here for me. Carol--you always inspire me--and have helped me through times when I thought I could not take anymore. neon--thank you for all your writing--I feel like we know each-other because I have been their done that so many times and I always feel better just reading and writing to all of us who know what we are going thru and feeling. It's just a great relief to not feel alone.

And all the others I feel equally blessed having found this site. My dad is doing good and he actually wants to get new teeth so he looks better. I do not know if I ever said but my dad is only 65 years young and he has been retired for over ten years. But he has been so sick because he drank for so many years and now he (I mean we) are paying the price for it. When I went to the nursing homes and assisted living places I did feel like the people were so much older then him but they were. I tell him daily that he should not be like this until at least after 80 years old. But besides all that he is finally doing good.

I don't like to admit this but I hindered him by doing everything for him. When someone does everything for you--you no longer feel like you are capable of doing things. I think I am guilty of this and while I still do his bills and take him to the doctor he now does most things for himself. And yes my cousin is a male and thank God for him, he has really helped me out tons. But my dad has 2 brothers still living and many nieces and nephews so their is no reason for lack of help. But it does happen.

I know dad is lonely and I feel sorry for that but I cannot make his life choices effect my life anymore. I like others had nearly ruined my marriage with dads illnesses and ever ending needs. My husband felt like I was choosing dad over him. And because my husbands knows what kind of father my dad was he could not understand why in the world I would do anything for him. I cannot forever live my life mad or holding dad responsible for everything I ever did wrong in my life because no one ever told dad how to be a dad or do anything for that matter, so I put our past behind me and think of a wonderful future that's the only way to get on with life. So dad does not drink anymore and his actually sometimes ok to be around. We are just on a different page now--he takes care of himself but he knows if he needs something I will be their to help.

I talk to him everyday and most days I see him--we meet for breakfast like 2 times a week. We go shopping at least once a week and I stop over just about everyday. So I am still their just not for long periods of time because I have a life too. I am focusing on me now with only 4 more classes to go until I finish my 2 degrees. I am so excited about being finished and going back to work and starting a new career. I know the economy but I did accounting so I am hopeful for a good job while studying for the CPA exam.

Take care ladies thanks for your writing.....

Good for you! You are doing the right thing for our mother, as well as yourself and your family. This is great progress.
Carol

To Everyone,

Thanks for all the advice. I am taking it all to heart and using it. I talked to my Mom when I got home from work and had a long discussion with her about going to Assisted Living for respite. She still does not like the idea, but will go. I decided to try assisted living rather then a nursing home because I thought that she might like that idea better then a nursing home. Guess it didn't make much difference to her. She did express that she was afraid that we would leave her there. I explained that we would come back and get her once our vacation was over. I also told her that we might take short vacations in the future and we would use respite care again. It has taken me almost three years to finally realize that I did not have to feel guilty because I wanted to do something for myself. It feels good to finally not feel so guilty about doing anything that did not include her. Again, thanks to all of you and God bless all of us that take care of our elderly loved ones. It is not an easy job and sometimes a thankless one.