I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Hi Donna,
We sound like we're in a similar situation, only you're ahead of me by about 9 yrs... When we are so close to our loved one, it seems like we can never do enough, eh?... It's because we love them unconditionally... I think it's been a Blessing that you have taken care of your mom (and, you still will, only with additional care that she needs... so, she doesn't harm herself), and that you've given so much of your own life to do this (like me)... (other people who are not in our 'shoes' are oblivious to what we have given up and what we go through)... Even though my mom can still get around (though her balance is a problem), I am exhausted with 'merging' her schedule with mine... Very difficult to do... I'd like to see what other caregiver's say in response to your question. But, I believe you have made the right decision... One that I'll also have to face in the furture... Try to be easy on yourself and know you're now alone in this difficult situation. Your mom is so lucky to have a loving daughter like you, even though she doesn't understand what you are doing is for her own safety. With much love... Lynn

I am 69 yrs old and cared for my mother who is 91 now for 12 yrs. I just had to put her in nursing home and I feel so bad about it. She just wants to come home, but I cannot do it anymore. She has dementia really bad, and I have had back surgery and have arthritis and I am just so tired. Did I do the wrong thing. I just feel so guilty, like I deserted her. But I am just so tired and worn out, as she needs constant care. I would appreciate and opinions and advice.

At this point it would be best to be honest. You changed your life around for over 2 years. You have done more then your part to be there, and help her. She may have not adjustd well to the NH the first time, but if their are no other options then I'm sure she could get use to it. You can always go visit, and take little treats. The best part is you will get your life back. If you do "nothing" then look forward to the next two years being just like the last two. Im sure you and your husband must miss having your home together and more time for one another. For the best of everyone take mom to the NH. Maybe tour a couple different ones and find one you think best suits her. I hope you get it all worked out. I am going through simalar ordeal, and Im taking the steps to get my life back. KB

cinnamon, I had caregivers to help during the day and will get them again. I take night time duty--get up with her if she needs to go to bathroom, and when she is not stabilized, that could be every few hours. Before we moved her last month, she was sleeping at least 8 hours, but the early morning--from about 3:30 until 7--can be hellish with her constant whining and demanding "what she wants". I refuse to get her up before 7:30 to start the day. I do take care of myself--have coffee, spend some time with my husband before he leaves for work, get on my laptop an visit my friends, etc. This time, I am NOT sleeping with a baby monitor. I'll get up when I hear her naturally. My BP is perfect--I am young and healthy-fitness walker and lift weights. I do not take anti depressants or pain killers. For years, my Mother and sister "projected" their own mental illness onto me. I took meds off and on, but I discovered any depression i experienced was circumstantial, due to their crazy-making. So, I am done with that! I have a great husband, loving kids, and supportive prayer warrior friends nearby, as well as many friends on this site. I do not like what I have to do, but I am doing it because it is necessary. I have a selfish sister, but my brother is stepping up out of compassion, and I appreciate it so much. Thank you for your thoughtful post. All the best to you, Christina

Christina, Maybe you can look into "in home care" to give you at least some relief. These situations we're all in are so awful and there seems to be no clear cut answer,other than take care of yourself first. (where would she be if you weren't around to help her?)
How's your BP? I didn't even think of that and it ended badly w/a stroke, as a result of the stress. Fortunately, I've fully recovered so that noone but myself notices the lasting side effects. Now I'm on BP meds and anti depressants. Never thought it would come to that but I'm determined to outlive her and be in good enough health to say I survived the hardest trial of my life and get some enjoyment out of retirement in a few years.

Hi cinnamon. I would say "yes". She manipulates to get what she wants like a baby or animal does. It's a survival instinct, I suppose. There is no reasoning with her. She is selfish and it's always been about what she wants. The dementia has allowed her to pretend she doesn't understand what she's doing.
Ha ha. Very funny, huh? Well, I am trying to take "the higher road" this time around. I am just trying to survive it, too:) hugs, Christina

I know my mom would pull a stunt like that just to get her way. Could your mom be manipulating you? Just a thought....

Omg. I had my 93 yr old Mother in our home for 9 months after taking her out of unacceptable care home. Thought I was losing my mind, so put her in one residential care home end of May. Depressing bunch, no walking or exercise, so put her in home recommended by her attorney! Help!!! I picked her up today after they called and said she was screaming for me all night, this morning, disturbing other residents, hitting, slapping, pulling hair, cussing, and they wanted to drug her some more. Guess I have to suck it up. Husband put her bed together, she is exhausted now, hope she is not up every 2 hours tonight. The nightmare continues. No one can care for her like I do. I never caused her 1/10 of the problem she is to me. God have mercy. Good luck to all of you. Just pray.

I'd truly understand. I let myself get so sick, depressed, SAD, overwhelmed, to the point where I lost weight and myself. I hate that I've finally had to put myself first and foremost however, it was either me or my mother-n-law. I made a choice that I can live with simply because I was going to have a nervous break down. I can live with guilt, I can not survive being a sole caregiver. She is going to assisted living and her 3 sons will be doing that because I can not even deal with the process. I am at wits end and I had to do something. I absolutely hate our states programs that will not make siblings pitch in or at least pay for a sitter or at the very least take care of our parents like I know that other state/governments do. Elderly are considered above us in some countries, but not here. Shame on us! I will stay on this site and continue to be support and a lending ear because alot of you helped me as I was losing it. I am finally free of one of the hardest jobs in America...SOLE CAREGIVER to an elderly parent with dementia. I nursed her back to health at my mental and physical expense...I won;t regret it...but what I am saying is....TAKE CARE OF YOU...If you do not, you can't do anything...I KNOW!! You all are in my prayers and will be..God Bless. They say I was earning my wings by nursing her back to health after her fall...Well, I am sending my wings on to all of you...Please use them wisely..We can visit and love our elderly parents in a NA or AL...It will be ok....SMILES...I have a poem I wrote while I was watching her with the UGLY disease DEMENTIA...I will post it soon in hopes that it will inspire you....Hang in there...HUGS to ALL.....

There is a type of insurance you can get for those under 80 that will pay for the nursing home when parents need to be there. If yours are under 80, check into it so you aren't stuck with no way out. Of course, it may take some doing to have your parent pay for the insurance if you don't have power of attorney but it's definitely worth looking into before the fact because nursing homes aren't cheap.

I too cared for my elderly mother for many years. She could be so grouchy and mean with me, but with others, she could be so sweet. After 15 years of that, I made the decision to move her into a nursing home and did alot of checking around. Needless to say, I was not too happy with what I found and I knew she would be even less happy. Finally I ran across a small but very nice Assisted living home and the people were amazing. When I made the decision to move her, she was hesitant. However, after a week or so, she really seemed so much happier. She had activities, a few people to talk with and spend time with (her own age) and a very nice room for her alone time. Because it was so small, the staff paid full attention to all the needs of the residents. They even ask for their input on meals and all were prepared homestyle. It was perfect for her and for us. The home strongly encouraged family visits and did everything they could think of to entertain both the residents and the visiting family(s). I think it was the best decision I have ever made. Good luck to you all...I know how difficult it can be.

I was not belittling HER - my intent was to mean that she has been "made a fool" by her adult children who have taken advantage of her and her goodwill. They must be horrible individuals to have done this to their own mother. The bottom line is that these adult children have committed a FELONY and nothing was ever done about it. What is done is done.....but she still has every right to press charges.

It's interesting. We answer these questions with interest, and then check out the profile of the person who started it.
"heavyload " has not had any activity on AC since August of 2009.
So maybe we can assume she got rid of her houseguest?

djjewell, I do not think you are a fool, I think that what is done is done. But the more important thing I heard you say, was as children of parents who need care, where do we get off with this sense of entitlement.... I totally get what you were saying. When my dad died, it did not matter to me in any way what I got from him. He didn't owe me anything, and he had enough money to stay in AL until he died at 98 yrs, old. I did not like or love him, so it would have felt weird for me to have any of his money. I know this is different, but my heart goes out to you and I know you will find a way to be on your own again. And what your kids did, well, as I always say they will answer to a higher authority and I didn't have to file charges...
Thank you for sharing the "other side of the coin". Makes me see things in a different way,,, hugs across the miles..

Wow dragonflower, you use some harsh words there calling djjewell a "fool". Situations are allowed to occur/continue for all kinds of reasons but almost always is there a sense of powerlessness, hopelessness and fear. How can you expect any parent to "keep [your] emotions out of it - just do your job"? I don't know of ANY parent/child relationship that CAN be separated from emotions. I agree with your encouragement to make a move but the last thing it sounds like this person needs is more belittlement.

You are a FOOL for not reporting your adult children for stealing your credit cards and maxing them out. That is a FELONY in any state if the cards were not jointly held in their names also. If they forged your signature or used your cards without authorization, they are guilty of grand larceny. Why on earth are you "protecting" them? If a neighbor stole all of your credit cards and maxed them out, would you ignore that also?

You have been taken advantage of by your children - and they are felons. Report them to the authorities with all of the appropriate documentation. It's the right thing to do. Keep your emotions out of it - just do your job.

Call Adult Protective Services and ask for their assistance in empowering you to regain your independence and self determination!

Have lived w/daughter and husband 6-1/2years. Not by choice. Had no place to go, no job. Drove 2000 miles cross country. Intention was to get place of own, living with child temporary. They took my inheritance, the money I was going to use for my older way of life. Then they maxed out 10 of my credit cards. Have virtually nothing left other than poverty level SS. I want out. Looking for places for low income seniors. Since live in bankrupt state, no section 8 available so looking in other states. The patent child relationship goes both ways. I took care of patents and grandmother, using own money in many cases. Grocery shopped, took to doctors, picked up prescriptions and much more, because I wanted to. Now the table is turned. Never did I nor would I ever take my parents last dime and max out their credit cards. Where oh where did this entitlement of what is mine is theirs. At 63 must escape this prison that has bankrupted me at this age. Had AAA credit, owed nothing. So again, this living situation can go both ways. Never in a million years did I or would I have believed the theft from my own child who appears to have no clue that there is virtually no way for me to leave, but doing my best to get out of their bogus elite lifestyle. Say nothing. Was promised it would be paid back. I still pay for doctor, medicines, diagnostics, buy my own food, cook. We have zero family life. Everything is separate. ENTITLED!!!!! Kids, treat your parents as you would want to be treated. When it is kids turn to be unable to work, living at poverty level, what will they do? No savings, keeping up with Joneses is all they know. No children to care for them in older age. The only Commandment with a promise is...Honor thy father and mother so thy days will be long upon the earth.
What do I do? Didn't report them for theft and credit card fraud...couldn't do that to them, yet, look at what they did, took everything I had financially. God forgive them.

How about just finding a place that has a warden and arrange carers for to come in and see to her and tell her you are going away for a fortnight and have arranged this place for her. Stay away for the 2 weeks so she can settle and maybe she will be ok, but what ever don't bring her back. I lived nearby my mother since 1983 when her 3rd husband died and did not have time to have any friends of my own, my son couldn't go out to play with his friends as WE HAD to be up her place and like a fool I wasted my life on her only for her to get dementia and accuse me of being the crazy one. Your mother and mine and many others try to relive their lives through us, then we have no life at all. Put her in a place where there is a communal room so she can choose to join in. And just visit her for short periods don't have her out until she has resigned herself to knowing she has to stay put.
Best of luck, don't waste your life like I did. Only go to see her once a month so that she knows she is not in control of you anymore.

Are you doing it out of guilt? Obligation? Love or compassion? Then under each option look at the pros and cons under each option.

Sometimes it is healthier if a parent goes into another community. They thrive with the socialization, sometimes responsibilities of watching out for another resident. It makes them feel better. Sometimes a one on one is not good. So examine your reasons why before you accept the guilt of your sister's lack of doing.

Ugh!!! I am considering taking my mom in and she is only 75 years old. I know that if she comes to live with me, that she will want to be taken care of. I can't handle it! I feel so guilty. I told my sister a few years ago that I would be the one to take my mom in. I realized, recently, that the only reason I said that is because I knew that she would never do it. I already feel resentment towards my sister AND my mom. I don't know what to do...

well thanks..so observant i c

msdiva,

I was just thinking last night that the way this website includes the original post at the top of every page of responses makes it far too easy for people to forget or not notice that the original post can be very OLD. Especially in long threads like this one.

If I designed it, and wanted to have the original post repeat on every page, I would at least have the OP marked more clearly, like "Original Post" (probably bold, colored) with the background of its area tinted slightly or grayed.

Anyway, your post proves my point. heavyload hasn't post in almost 2 years.

hi heavyload
what is exactly is your mom doing that you dnt want her live with you anymore

melindabr thank you for using the word"martyr". My sister did that with our dad and her husband. I couldn't stand our dad, he was hateful, demanding, ect. The day of our dad's funeral, she took her husband to a Dr. appt. because he refused to change it. No one felt sorry for her, they just rolled their eyes. I did not give up my life for the old man. As many have said here, he made his own choices and I made mine... But thanks again for using that word. When our caregiving turns into that, it is no longer about the person we are caring for....
And believe me when I say I was made out to be the bad daughter, I just went on about my business because "sticks and stones" didn't change how I felt about the choice I made... thanks for sharing..

Hi, wuvsicecream:

My own family's dysfunction paralled your own.......so I've been there.

My point was that parents DO choose to bring children into the world, and mostly for the wrong reasons. The most selfish reason is when they give birth to children in the hopes that the adult children will take care of them in their old age. As you know, it often does not work out that way.

As your own experience has shown, the burden usually falls on ONE adult child. Often the others will have nothing to do with the situation and will not help out. When my father had dementia, my brother (an attorney, BTW) could not emotionally deal with the situation so I had to handle everything by myself. Been there, done that.

I'm glad you now live in peace with yourself. :)

drangonflower You certainly have the right to disagree with what I posted. I'll tell you a bit about my family. I am the baby of three, I have got a brother 6 years older, and a sister 3 years older. My brother is mentally disabled. I don't think my parents chose that for thier first born. My sister is very well edjucated and I always went with street smarts and I am happy. My mother told me my father didn't want me, I wasn't supposed to happen, I was a "blackout baby" from 1965 blackout in NY. I was born in 66. (There was nothing else to do) I believe my parents were under stress from my brother. My Mom was always a wack job. Dad was a great provider and worked while he went to school at night. As soon as my father was financially able to care for our needs and could divorce Mom he did. My Mother refused to take my brother so Dad did, sis and I were supposed to have lived with Mom until I graduated HS that was divorce agreement. Well 6 months before my graduation my Mom took off and moved 2hours away with a potential 2nd hubby. My Dad was locked into a lease traveled alot for work, was engaged himself. Left with sister in house she worked most of the time. You would think a teens dream. NOT. I spent that x-mas alone crying. In a house with my Mothers hoarding mess. No tree no gifts just the yule log on TV. They both made a choice to do what was best for thier lives at the time and I got lost in the shuffle. (Growing up we saw my Grandfather(Mom's Dad) every Sunday without fail (Grandma never left the house.) My grandfather during this time was careing for my grandmother, who was allways agoraphobic (fear of going out of the house) she had a stroke. He had to put her in a NH he placed her near my mom. I never saw my Grandfather so sad as the day he had to remove his wifes wedding band and leave her in someone elses care. My Mom went to NH everyday to feed her. She later passed away my Grandfather commited suicide leaving a note that he never wanted to be a burden to anyone. He also said if he got sick all his assets would go to his care and he wanted his family to have everything not to get depleated by any NH or bills. I would give anything to go back in time and tell him that nothing is more important to me than your life. I would have cared for him if he ever got sick and needed me. A wonderful man who was more worried about others and thier well being, took his life not to be a burden. My mother never asked me to care for her and still tells me she doesn't need me, I am... your Mother... your not mine. She fights with anyone who cares. She is impossible and stubborn, always was and just last week said after I commented on her great appetite "Well I gotta eat I don't want to die" That is the most wonderful sentance I ever heard. I also lost everything I owned in a fire but Mom got out of the house. She was the one on the insurance policy and due to her early dementia she refused to give me the money she got to replace my things or sign for the hotel room all they needed was her signature (which was no problem with insurance co.). I was homeless and had nothing, disliked Mom for what she did to me, not knowing that dementia was the problem at the time(I was living with her to help her out financially as I was seperating from husband). All this, and I was still happy Mom was alive. Then I spent time getting my life back one item at a time(imagine having nothing and no money just a job). Lived with sis for a bit. Moved out about 6 months after. Mom's fire insurance repaired house gave her money for my things she kept it all. Then about 2 years later she was starting to really get bad. Guess who was the only one willing to deal with the burden and actually cared about Mom. After you have only your own life and family members lives left and nothing material to speak of, you realize what's important. The most ironic part of it all is I took on the task, with Mom's care in focus and her well being. Everyone else cared about money and assets and thier lives getting interupted. Now I am in control of it all and Mom is doing well and instead of being happy they are pissed. They could not understand why I was asking for help either. I was giving a chance to include them in details. I have been thru hell and back but all worth it... I live in peace with myself.

I will have to agree with dragonflower on their statement. My mother has always told me to make sure I have kids to make sure there is someone to take care of me when I get older and that is what she expects from me. That is wrong. That is not the reason why anyone has children. The problem is my mother and I have never gotten along. That is truly by her choice and her narcissistic behavior. I was adopted and not conceived by "choice". But I was adopted by a family who treasured me, but mom had her own mental issues and that is something that has been a problem between us all our lives. Now it has left her in a position of being alone. I still provide for her, but not in the way many choose to do.

If there truly are problems in the relationship, do not take on a task like caregiving out of guilt. Do it because you treasure them as a human being and you want to see them enjoy what they can out of their life. I thank God that dad worked and saved correctly to provide the assisted living that he and mom now live in and can maintain that lifestyle. Because I can honestly say, I would not be caring for my mother or my father. They are too difficult for an only child to handle.

I don't want mom to live with me any more either. The decision was made to bring her here because she had fallen and could only go to a nursing facility. Assisted living required her to be more mobile. She had been rapidly decling from Parkinson's and I thought I could give her the best quality of life for her last months. It is now 3 1/2 years later and she is doing very well although still unable to qualify for ALF. I have spent the last few months looking at options. I have found a place that I believe will be good for her. I basically gave her the information and said, I want the best for you but we have to look at the long term. I want you to think about where you would want to live and we are going to make decisions to move that way. I would strongly advise that no one take in a parent unless you are really ready for the long haul. Caregiving for someone for 3-6 months is one thing, 5-10 years is very different. Stats show that most caregivers believe this is a short term gig that in truth averages about 7 years. I think alot of the postings on this site show that it is not healthy. We resent our parents, our deadbeat siblings etc. Caregivers have increased depression and stress related illness. I certainly don't intend to abandon my mom. My husband and I will continue to be responsible and over see her care. But it is very hard to reverse the course once the parent is in your home. I do think some caregiving can be very rewarding and if families work together the burden is much lighter. But those caregivers aren't on this site looking for support. I am glad I was able to give mom the quality of care she has had for the last years, but I am also ok with moving a different direction now. I love my mom but she will not be living with me. I like that line, alot.

to botkinlk57: It sounds like you are being held hostage by your own mother. If she is able to follow you outside and invade into your life in every way, she can live by herself. You might want to check into senior housing--usually based on income, so it's affordable. Also check into assisted living. She will have friends, freedom and medical care there. My mom is in assisted living and has made lots of friends, but can go to her room and be away from the other residents when she wants to. Does your mother qualify for Medicaid? In Missouri, Medicaid pays about $300 per month toward a room and board of about $1400. Her social security makes up most of the rest. If your sibs have jobs, they can contribute monthly for her additional expenses. If they wont come for a family meeting, start a conversation by e-mail, forwarding to everyone. You are the victim here because you are the one that caved. I agree that some elderly get very unreasonable. She may have a little dementia by now. I have been through that. It can wipe out any loving feelings you have had for your parent when they threaten to have you arrested and call you a liar. I love my mom but she will not be living with me. I am sending strength and hope to you. Di