I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Loving daughter
She lived there 4 months . AT first she begged to come back but I stuck to my guns and said no. She almost destroyed my marriage and my sanity. I felt such a sense of relief when she was gone. The home was only 15 min away from my house so I went over about 1 or 2 times a week. That was all. She got used to it and made friends and had activities. AT 4 months she fell and broke her hip, they kept her in hosp. for the required time of 3 days and then we transfered her to a nursing home for the rehab. I told nursing home she would stay there. When she runs out of money we will apply for medicaid. The nursing home helps us do all the paperwork. Now she has a boyfriend, That is a whole other subject. She and her new man are now demanding to live in the same room at the nursing home. and I think my mother is trying to manulipulate him to go back to his house to live which is out of the question as they are both blind, and dimemted a little and confined to a wheelchair. The important thing is to stay in control, lovingly, but filrm. Don't let them ruin your life. Don't be afraid to say no. You will be amazed at how liberating it is.
I made appointments to take dad and so forth to assisted living facilities to try and find something for "to help mom to heal". I went into a couple that were just so sterile and not the right arrangement for mom and dad. When I walked into the last one I just knew. It was elegant, it had a nice size apartment, housecleaning, laundry for them, and just such an awesome staff. So maybe you need to present the assisted living more like her independence but with help. A nursing home is for people who need medical assistance, etc.
But I will tell you oh I wouldn't put my vacation on hold and I would not let her dictate to me. That area of control may even constitute her getting "ill" before you leave just so you won't leave on your vacation (don't put it past anyone).
Do what you need to do and feel peace in your heart about your decision for whatever you need to do. Just don't let the guilt monster sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ear. Businesses are changing and senior care is improving and thankfully they are changing the stigma of nursing homes. Show her different ones and how they vary. Give her some options that don't include you and let her choose, but she must make the choice in the end.
Well I started this whole discussion. Took my mother to a very nice Assisted Living Facility to have lunch and tour. My husband and I would like to take a vacation without Mom and thought that this would be the best way to go since she cannot stay alone. Well...she made it very clear to the staff that she did not like the place at all because of all the old people. My mother will be 81 this year. I had to leave before the entire interview was completed because she just made me feel so bad, and had me in tears. I have tried to do my best for her the past three years, but nothing seems to make her happy. She is such a negative person. I had to go back to work and can hardly wait to go home and discuss this with her. My mother is not demented so she knows exactly what she is saying when she says it. She never appreciates anything that is done for her. I have cared and provided for her so that she did not have to spend the rest of her life in an assisted living facility or a nursing home, but I just don't know how much more I can take. My husband and I are still planning on going on vacation so she can just "lump it".
Dare
Lovingdaughter
Alice so glad your dad is able to stay in his home and your cousin is helping you out thats so good they feel better or most of them do when they can stay in their own home and I am assuming your cousin is a male so that is good company for him especially breakfast out every morning oh what a treat. Yes, it makes a difference but all people are different, my mom is still living with me I see her or I think I see her going down hill each month. I have had that talk about her doing things that I know she can do, but she wants a note everyday, I don't have time for notes for pity sake if you can't see that it needs to be done than I'll get to it when I get to it
I have been busy as well as everyone else. Everything with dad has calmed down after his last hospital stay he is doing a lot more for himself. He now is in his own apartment and I have a cousin who is helping me out with him. Just him taking some time off me has been such a huge help I actually feel so much better.
I could have never imagained how much one person helping out could mean. He takes dad out for breakfast and if I need him to he brings him to his apointments. But I have been taking him because thats our time and I know he misses me being around. But I talk to him several times a day and usually see him everyday but I just don't worry all the time and he has layed off the demands since we had "words" about how I am very tired and need to have my time. I am so glad I did that. I just hope he stays healthy for a while longer. We have a mutual agreement that as long as he is capable of taking care of himself with out running me ragged he can stay in his apartment but if he gets sick or starts to fail in taking care of himself we are going to look at assisted living situations.
He knows that I cannot do everything by myself. I still pay him bills and take him to the doctor and see him usually daily I just don't feel pressured anymore because he is doing things for himself instead of waiting for me. So you really have to talk to them and tell them how you feel and what you can handle so they know. My dad said I did not realize how much you were doing for me untill he took his life back and did for himself. SO I guess I was wrong too in doing everything for him--he is doing better now because he is responsible for himself again and can handle most things.
I hope everyone is doing well have a good weekend
Alice
Its blatant behavior. Sweetheart, its time to lay down some boundaries. Not for her, because she's never going to respect them coming from anyone. The boundaries are for you and your sanity and health.
When it comes to the food, label her food and your food if necessary. Put a lock on the fridge for crying out loud... but make those boundaries as clear as day. When it comes to money, get a separate account with just your name.
The few extra pain in the butt steps are going to help alleviate a lot of this frustration. Then its... "that's just the way it is" to fall back on.
Take it from members here who have taken their crap-load of manipulation.... lay it down. Start with small boundaries, set penalties that you know she will not like and ENFORCE them!! Its no different with children. And yes, we can do it with a smile and with love and not be the mean S.O.B.'s we're told we are.
Enforcement is all a part of setting boundaries so they learn we mean it.
To heavyload, don't feel guilty for your choice(s). You can only do so much. Explain it with her and give her choices that you both can live with. Check into assisted living, 24/7 caregiver service, and then the nursing home. Find what options work best and possibly present her with the pros & cons (if she's reasonable to do so).
The stigma of putting a loved one in a nursing home does not mean we are bad and so forth. Things have come a long way in caring for the elderly. You can only do the best you can do, and remember you can't honor your mother or father if you are dead in the grave.
We're all here for you and sorry for the length.
You do need to get in touch with your state aging services. Go to your state Web site and find a phone number and be persistent until you find the right place. You should be able to take your mother as a dependent if you are paying the bills. There are rules, of course, but you need to check into that.
You also need outside help. Ask what respite care is available free, when you get someone at your state aging services. Your mother may qualify for Medicaid. Please get some outside help. Let her get mad. This could kill you. You can't keep this up. And keep coming back here.
Carol
going nuts in Solon
195Austin sorry for your problems, I really feel for you because I am in Michigan and I sat and cried to my dads PCP and she told me that they don't do anything like that and they have no social workers. At the time my father was in the emergency room not knowing his name, what day it was, and he was seeing things everywhere like out of the cornor of his eyes acting like he was scared of something. He went outside and said the FBI was in his apartnment and they would not leave him alone. Anyway long story about the delusions, but you get the idea of his situation. On top of that he had 5 broken ribs.
OK so no one at the hospital, or with his PCP could tell me anything I was about ready to pull my hair out ( whats little their is still on top of my head because of stress ) but he pulled out of this episode and is good now.
So now we have an understanding, the next episode and dad is going into assisted living. He knows that I can not take care of him alone. I think he is so afraid that me his last child here is going to desert him like the rest of my sisters have. Poor dad but I have a life also so I got dad--actually forced him to go to this beginners (senior) class and today was his first day and he loved it!!!!! He is all excited about learning and if he can learn it that opens up a whole new thing for him to do. He can talk to other people who have interest such as he does.
So even though I had to force him I knew or was crossing my fingers that he would like it and have a new thing to do. IT WORKED YEAH FOR ME--I told him I did not want to have to sell my father on craigs list!! (Just kidding ladies)........
So things have been calm and good--I am able to get my studies done so far so good. I am hoping dad stays healthy until at least my semester is over. I am almost done with my degree and I just want it over with.......
I hope everyone is doing good. It is so good to be able to write here and share with people who really get whats going on with this caretaker role we have taken or been forced into. It just makes me feel better that someone besides me is actually going through this stuff just like me.
So have a good day and week. Take care of yourselves too!!!!!
Alice
I know when I talked to our doctor about me doing all the care and he knew of our situation, he made some recommendations for a home health aide, referred a couple of women who do this as a business who he had heard good things from, etc. The social worker came in and gave even more options that I didn't have a clue existed.
I was fortunate that things happened so quickly to get my parent's in assisted living, but I would not trade the information I got for the world. These people were incredible, although sometimes hands tied legally, but man could they be "informative" with just being extra nice with them.
Don't give up. Let us know!