I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Hello Everyone,

Dads only 65 and that's young and I have been doing this for going on 6 years. And the guilt thing I feel it every day why? Don't know, just I feel sorry for him but I am tired too. And catholic too. I am 42 and I want my life back because I can't think of a time when dad was a good dad just his drinking and today we went out and I am so scared he will fall I am a nervous reck. But he was talking about when he drank and all the "fun" he had and I said now "we" are paying for all that fun.

But I still know when I see him is the only time I see he is happy then he goes today you know how I get. Like he wanted sympathy for the broken arm and now with five broken ribs he said he'd rather forget the sympathy. He thinks everyone is going to rally around him if he's sick. First, it was when he was trying to stop drinking and he ended up in the hospital every week because the drinking was killing him now its killing me. How do you win at this???

Oh well, we are still here what do ya do? I told him today he might have to think about going into assisted living again because next week I start my full schedule and cannot be their all day long. He said he would if he has to. We shall see, I guess he's ok if he can get over the pain of the ribs. But the dementia according to the doctors is going to get worse and I would like it to be his decision and not have to force the issue.

Well ladies another day is almost gone and he's still on my mind. We each live with it and yes they are selfish. My cousin has been helping here and their and his wife's dad died and my dad said I hope she can still do my laundry. That's the way they are, I told him not to worry about her at all as long as his laundry gets done...

Talk to you soon, take care..
Alice

Heavyload,
Don't let your mom play on your guilt. Go on your trip. My husband and I have not seen our daughter more than a few days in a year. She lives halfway across the country, so mom is gong to a home for 2 weeks. We have a 2 week minimum for respite care at our nursing homes. I don't care what she says because I know that if she objects, she is not thinking clearly, so I have to think for her. I am going to see our daughter in a few months. My daughter and husband come first. We all come first as caregivers. We just forget it sometimes!

Dawndav, it's hard to remember how they were when they were vital and doing things. You'll likely have to mentally work your way back through all of the this over a period of time, once she is gone, to rediscover that part of your mother. I always encourage people to do that. It's worth it. But while you are "in it," it's often hard to remember them as anything but who they are now. It may seem unfair to them, but caregiving can be so wearing that you just get by day by day.

Hang in. It sounds like she's reasonably content, so that's good. You're doing well.
Carol

I agree Sidney -- we don't want them shuffled off to a nursing home where they are a number but sure wish they would mellow out a little. I try to imagine how it must be to go from a vital adult to and old lady. Mom is only 88 but she really can't do anything - she was going to the day care 3 times a week and has now cut down to 2 times and she just sits and naps and reads. She has hearing aids but they don't help much - when I am talking and she doesn't want to be bothered she just waves me off / she can't hear certain tones she says. There is nothing to do for her hearing because she has age related deafness. We go once a year to the audiologist for tests. She was going 3 times a week to a day care and has cut that down to 2 times. Sometimes I look at her and try to remember when she was the MOM and I was the kid.....the roles are reversed now huh?

Wow, wow..Seems we def. are the "sandwich" generation, caring for parents and our own families.
I think they all raised us on "guilt"!or we are all catholics!!
I feel guilty when I fuss about my mom! Im still so grateful to have her, but OH my God I miss my life.
Miss having friends and being able to go when i want and do what I want. Miss my own "stuff"...being able to read a book or take a walk go to happy hour after work or to go out. 7 years and Im looking at alot more, shes 77 and in relatively good shape, a broken hip shoulder, a fall on the ice(Christmas day) thank goodness she was oka!
Seems were all in the same boat. Why are they so mean? Why didnt they stay in contact with there friends? Why have they turned so selfish?
I think its their generation.
They expect it specially from us daughters!

I have read all the e-mails and see so many of us are in the same boat. I just won a trip to Las Vegas. Was so excited!! Thought hubby and I could go for our 36th anniversary in April. Told my mother that she would have to have respite care while we were gone(app three days) and she began to cry and pout. She told us she could take care of herself while we were gone. She lives with us, uses a wheelchair for mobility, needs help with personal care, never fixes her own meals etc, BUT SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF WHILE WE ARE GONE!!!!. I let her know that this was not an option. She then went to bed and pouted. The next day she told me she would go for respite care. "she didn't like it, but she woud go". I am so sick and tired of her selfishness. My husband and I have not had a break from caring for her in almost three years! Are all people her age this selfish? From reading all the e-mails it sure sounds that way! By the way, I chickened out about putting her in a nursing home after seeing her response when confronted with respite care only. It just seems I have less patience with her and am becoming more and more frustated every day. I want my life back and don't know how to do it! This is not how I thought I would spend my life. I am 61 and my husband is 67. We thought this would be our time. I know I agreed to let her live in my home, but she only thinks about herself and no one else. Thanks for letting me vent, again.

Hi haven't posted in a couple of days I am very tired. Everyone should hope they are in the physical condition my mother is in at 82. I hope I am but already I am far above her in deterioration of the body. I go go go gogo and this is just another day no happy new year here. I hope One day I can get to the point when all I have to do is eat sleep, do puzzles and watch tv. Think I will lay down awhile. Thats what irratates me to no end I have so much to do and after I get it done she says Oh I would have helped you. I could just slap her hows that for a loving daughter. I have tried to show her how it feels to be loved and taken care of but it just goes right over her head or she just doesn't care she thinks about her own meals but never ever fixes anything for me or my husband. That hurts. there are so many things to say and I don't feel like it I am just so tired. But wanted to check in and let you know I am still here.

I just got a flyer about calling 211 that seems to be handled by United Way- Iplan to call to see if they could help me some- the spianal specialist and P.T. tell me I can't do much but of course thet do not understand how it is to take care of a very disabled husband,

Hello all,

It always makes me feel better to come here and read your stories. Feeling that others are in the same boat is somewhat soothing and makes me feel a little better about caring for dad.

Its really hard being a daughter and caring for your father. I have seen to many things over the past 5 1/2 years that can never go away, I am tired and ready to live my life but of course, dad still needs help and I am the only one here. And its not fair that I have 3 other sisters that are living their lives with no care of dad in the world. But, we all know this and still I am doing it.

Things have changed--dad has his own apartment now but just went through another episode first fallying and breaking his ribs that turned out to be 5 ribs and not 2. Then he went into delusions for 2 weeks while I was on vacation. Every vacation it happens its always some big episode to be sure I worry about him my whole time away.

The doctors don't want dad to live alone but they don't want to live with him either. I have one more week off and I am spending it getting all the help for dad that I can. My cousin has been helping a little bit but just that little big helps so much. I have found 3 places that will take him to his appointments for free and he is using these services--we had a discussion about it and I told him look I cannot be with you 24/7 and I have a huge load this semester at school since its my last. So he is not allowed to turn down any help we get. I want him to go into assisted living but he of course does not want to be with the old people he always tells me. THe doctors tell me he is going to get worse and worse--I don't know what else to do besides what I am.

I am hoping with a little help I won't have to do everything. Just that will help me.
But, I am tired and I know how everyone else feels--sometimes I am crazy with all of this being so much and somehow it gets done. Not knowing when an end will come has to be the biggest thing of all.

dejavu--you need to thing of yourself and your baby because this could go on for a long period of time. You or your husband do not owe your lives to care of her. Their are places for her that you can visit on your terms. I hope you can do this for your sake and the new babies.

Hi, I agree with MLV3000,

Life is short and carries no guarantees as to what the future holds. Focus on your husband and baby. My advice to all of you who are in this situation and are still young is to plan ahead! You see what it is like. We have one daughter who will be thirty next summer. I have promised her that I will never put her in the position that I am in with my mom. We have a house that is much too big for us. When the market gets a little better, we are selling, moving to a more manageable home and putting money in a trust so that the state can't get their greedy hands on it. Get a good estate lawyer and let that person plan your future so that you will be taken care of and your family will not suffer. Long term health care to too expensive and does not cover everything, but a good lawyer can tell you the alternatives. I love my daughter enough to not want her to spend her life taking care of me and missing out on what I am missing out on. Good Luck and congratulations on the baby!

Dear Dejavu,

You are a well spoken, lovely person. I started caregiving for my father at the same age as you are now. I am now 46 and am still doing it, not half heartedly, no heartedly. My mother and father both live with me after losing my home in Hurricane Katrina. My father, too, has had 3 strokes and is in a wheelchair permanently. My advice to you, is with your new baby coming, you may need to consider putting her in a nursing home. I was pregnant for my first child when my dad has his first stroke 21 years ago. My oldest daughter is now 21 years old and has many frustrations about growing up around sickness. I didn't know I affecting her at the time, but she is quite angry about it now.

I know it is hard, at one time, I would have chose taking care of my parents over what my husband and children wanted, thinking I was doing the right thing for caring and wonderful parents. It is not worth giving up your life for. I am now 20 years older and my life is passing me by. I don't know when any of this will end and neither do you and your husband.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I just don't want to see you 20 years down the line feeling as desperate as I do.

Love,
marylynne

It is very relieving to find a site like this that allows us caregivers to release our burdens. I am 26 years old and my husband is 29. We are both caring for his 55 year old mother who has suffered 4 strokes from a blood clotting disorder and can no longer live alone. Like many others, she was in a nursing home prior to moving in with us. This is a very difficult situation. My husband has taken care of his mom since 2000 and has put his life on hold just for her. I must admit she is a wonderful person that was a single mom caring for her son and before this last stroke in 2007 she actually introduced me to her son and we were soon married after that. I thought that her living with us would not be so bad, as I moved from one state to another and did not have my own family close, but I am now feeling the pressure of caregiving and still trying to have a life. Fortunately, I was able to complete graduate school, however my husband only has a high school education and he wishes to go to college. We have no idea how to make this all happen. And to complicate matters even more, I am currently pregnant with our first child due in April. My husband and I have had many conversations about setting boundaries around caregiving for his mother and building our own family. We are trying to discern our own limitations. One thing that I do know is that if I go beyond my own limitations/boundaries, I become very frustrated and angry which affects how wholeheartedly I am caring for my mother in law. I do believe it is our duty as caregivers to know our limitations and pass the torch when necessary. Half-hearted caregiving can be damaging to all involved. I just wish there was a better solution than a nursing home. We have tried the home aid, but medicaid has only approved our mother for a certain amount of hours which still leaves her alone and private help is completely unaffordable at this time.

mmedina,
I just need to add a note to your comment about all the sacrifices our parents made. My mother sacrificed her life because of my dad. HE never sacrificed anything. And just so you know, I took care of him his last years, and have no regrets. But I did that because my mother taught me how to be in this world. I did not sacrifice myself for him, I simply did what needed to be done. But had I not had YEARS of therapy, I would not have given that man the time of day, much less my time and energy. Not all parents are loving and kind. I would love to be able to tell you I loved him, but I did not. He made that happen, not me. There are a lot of crazy,dysfunctional old folks out there getting very good care because we are good people with good hearts. But not everyone can take the abuse and still have a life. He did not abuse me while in my care, there were some boundries set before I even attempted to take him on. Each one of us have our limits and that is what this sight is for. To help each other, listen and share.
You are very blessed to have had such great parents. Some of us did not get that blessing.

Neon,

Tell us how you really feel! You don't have to sugarcoat it for us! You are certainly a spitfire and I love it.

My mom is 90 and still lives in her home of 50 years. I do more and more for her so she can stay in her home. I certainly don't want her living with me and elder care would mean just as much work or maybe more for me. Besides with assisted living or nursing home care I would lose control of what was being done. Like sticking a tube up her rectum. (That's just plain cruel. What are the medical types thinking?)

I write complaining emails to my sister who lives on the other side of the country and she told me that I am enabling Mother to live in her home. Well I guess I am. Isn't that the point of what I'm doing? I guess my sister thinks I should stick her in assisted living and walk away. I'd like to do that but it's just not the right thing to do. The woman is like a child and she looks to me to guide her around in a very confusing world.

I hate being out with her in the ice and snow because her balance is so poor and she reels around. She has fallen a couple of times and bounced with no problems. I pick up her earrings and glasses and help her get up. But what if she falls on me and I get hurt? I've had a couple of injuries doing things for her. Serious stuff that required medical care.

She doesn't seem to consider the possibiltiy that I can be incapacitated. I suppose it's the narcissism that has plagued her all her life. And she really doesn't have much capacity to reason. Never has. Did she never grew up because she didn't have to earn a living and deal with the real world? I'd like to have her brain autopsied when she dies. I wonder if there is a big tumor or malformation somewhere. It's just beyond me how anyone can be so self-centered and uncaring about those around her especially when she needs others for her survival.

What a dopey frustrating situation this all is.

I am so thankful to find there are so many of us although wish there wasn't but I don't feel so alone. How do you set guidelines when it eithere, isn't heard, I've tried writing it down and bingo big argument, or just has the attitude I gave birth to you You have to take care of me???? I agree with the above, or its all about me me me?

She isn't ready for a nursing home and when the time does come thats exactly where she is going that's what they are there for. I work for a Healthcare system and it is only 3 min away so I will keep an eye on whats going on anyway I am a force to be reckoned with and the people over there know it. All 5/2 122 lbs of me. When dad was in the hospital for the last time they had a plastic tube in his rectum. He was skin and bones hadn't ate in 3 weeks, had a massive stroke and was told to keep him comfy and not worry with anything else because we knew this was it. I blew out of that room because he was in so much pain from it and told them whoever the smart ass was that put that tube in his ass better get it out right now or I would put it up theirs, Oh boy, (I work there) what a ruckus oh the doctor ordered it. Well, I don't care who ordered it, I just ordered it out and I mean now. It was taken out poor man. The little nurse was so petrified by me I think they had to hold her for a few hours before she could go back to work.

Anyway, I get off track sometimes..... When mom goes the government can take her SS check I don't care, I just want peace. I wish you all the same and hopefully a Happy New Year. neon

mmedina,I'm sure you probably didn't mean for your statement to come across the way it did.
" I have also learned that caregiving is not for everyone. It takes a real heart and soul commitment to care for a family member--no matter what the cost!"

Trust me,I had real heart and soul commitment for the past 20 years of my adult life.No matter what the cost is a pretty strong statement.Have you ever tried caregiving when you have breast cancer?To pay with your own health and maybe even your very life is a pretty steep price.I worked in a nursing home for 4 years,caring for the forgotten alot of times.I came home many times crying because I could only do so much.And when all other family members are affected,should they pay too?My circumstances are quite different I suppose,maybe that's why I feel the way I do.

I cared for my mother and father, now i'm caring for my mother-in-law. What I have learned from my caregiving cannot be measured. I learned that our parents sacrificed privacy, money, socializing, and their physical well-being to help us through our early years, until we could stand on our own two feet.

I have also learned that caregiving is not for everyone. It takes a real heart and soul commitment to care for a family member--no matter what the cost! It is most important to realize that you are not alone, that once you have decided to take care of someone, you must find out all the resources available to you--utilizing the resource center on aging in your area, the United Way, and the Senior Citizen centers close to you. There are many resources available--but you must do the research and make the calls.

For those that have decided that taking care of a family member is more than they can handle--ask these above mentioned resources to help you place your family member where they would get the best care that is affordable to you and your family.

Making any decision is difficult--delaying a decision due to doubt-fear-misinformation and poor planning is inexcusable--it makes it difficult for your family and for your senior family member, but most of all for you!

Lastly, make sure that if you do place your family member in a caregiving facility--do not forget to visit often, bring them their favorite snack, cookie, or thing they enjoy, and make sure they have plenty of pictures of their family around them. But, most of all show and tell them how much you "love them".

I did not mean to make it sound like all peaches and cream with Mom but I think the way we make it work is by setting guidelines --- "I know you don't want to do this (day center,bath,teeth brushing etc) but you have to to continue living here." I make the statement straight up and matter of factly and than proceed. I have my mom call my sisters (2) everyday, and then I have to listen to why do you do this?,why did you do that, she said this or that, she deserves to sit and do nothing if that is what she wants, why don't you do this, etc etc etc. I let them know too "you can choose to believe everything she says or realize she says things that aren't always accurate" "if you want you can take her for a week or so" {that one goes over like a lead balloon} "well she wouldn't call me and tell me these things if they weren't true" etc etc etc. I have total care of mom but the only way I manage is being direct with both her and my sisters. They want to poor mom and I want her to do the most that she can. When she was in the nursing home she couldn't even walk - I was the ONLY one that said she can do it if you make her. She now can take 47 steps with a walker. I have to help her get up and it is slow going but she can do it. At first it was just "all you have to do is stand and then sit back down" then "all I am asking is 1 small step" Like I say for mom -- use it or lose it -- of course my sisters think I am mean........but I am who I am and it is my house and it will be my way. Don't think I am mean - I really am very loving. It is just to run my life, and hers, with any sort of order there has to be effort on both our parts. Thanks for listening.

Alice, Lisa, Neon - all of you - take care of yourselves. It's so hard to drop the guilt. But, no one owes their health, life, marriage, children's future and all else to stay and care for a parent. Most parents, if they still could think, would not want this.

We should do our best, and in many instances that is to find outside help, call in social services, even get a court appointed guardian, because the relationships in the family are so dysfunctional and toxic that the parent's care can't be handled any other way. That is not a reason for guilt.

Some of you have put up with far too much abuse already - from parents and even siblings. You need to resolve - yes tomorrow will be a new year - resolve to take care of yourself and get the help you need to do that and to take care of the family situation.

Stay strong. That means detaching from the situation enough to drop the guilt and get the help you need.
Carol

Lisa, my message got cut off. As I was saying-You owe your mother thanks for giving you life, but you don't owe her your life. Break the cycle. Show your children how much you love them. Get out of this situation. Your brother is a codependent. I taught school for 32 years and had many ADHD students. Laziness is a taught trait, not one inherent of ADHD. You show so many good qualities. Give your attention to your self and your children. You will be so happy you did. Good Luck.

Lisa,
You owe your mom only thanks for giving you life

Hello everyone,

I cannot believe it I just got back from 13 days of vacation. Most of the time I worried about my dad because as usual right before I went he fell and broke 2 ribs. He was taking pain meds that made him crazy acting and he was picked up by the cops for walking around his apartnment building with no shoes and shorts on in the snow acting like he was out of his mind. This all happened 3 days before I went, it seems like everytime I go someplace something happens to him and he is sick or something major goes on. I think he stopped taking his meds to get sick before I went in hopes I would cancel my vacation.

Well it took everything I had but I sent my cousin and uncle to go to the hospital and managed to stay away before I went even though I got calls non stop how bad off he was. I am the only daughter here and the other 3 take no responsibility in his health or life at all. He has 2 brothers and I put it on them and went on vacation anyway, Even though I worried the whole time I think dad has got it in his head that I cannot do it alone.

I just got home and I spoke to him several times the past few days and we have discussed that we need help and he realizes that we are going to ask for it because I cannot take care of him 24/7. His options are basically go into the nursing home or we get some help at home. He called to get his scooter because his balance is so off he keeps falling. He did this alone all by himself. He is coming around on the idea I have a husband and my own life and I do not owe him my entire life till he is gone.

I still feel horrible, don't ask me why but I do. I know that he is lonely and I know that its not my fault but I am a compassionate person and I feel sorry for him--but I am about to get a divorce if I do not lower my efforts and time with him. I am working on this now that I am home.

My plan is to give him all the help he needs. I am going to check out every service in Michigan and we will have help. I already found 3 places that will take him to his appointments for free. I am looking up all the advice I have gotten here and going to make a plan for him. He needs social activities and if that's a day care then so be it--he needs friends and I want him to have some happiness for the remainder of his time. But I know its not my total responsibility and it is so hard not to do everything but I am doing it. I am thinking of myself first from now on I have to.

Your stories are so heartbreaking--neonwacky--I pray for you and hope that you move for your own sake--we had dad in our home and it did not work out but please for yourself get some help in that home and be good to yourself--love yourself and your family first and then realize no matter how much help you give or how much of yourself you give the other person will always be the same--we always expect a different outcome from the same situation and it does not never work. It hurts like hell not to be recognized for all we are doing and all we have sacrificed but we are doing most of it to our own selves. You are sick yourself you need to be taken care of and your needs need to be tended to, if your sick you cannot take care of anyone else. The situation is toxic for you and your family--please find it in your heart to forgive yourself of guilt and love yourself.

Take care and thank you for all the information I have found here.......Alice

I deeply appreciate both of you for your insights and advice and I know that you are 100% correct.Lindham,you sure did hit the nail on the head about guilt.As I said before,there are many aspects to my situation.My mom and dad divorced when I was 4 years old.All I remember of my early childhood is a parade of men and mom being passed out on the couch and then my uncle throwing her bottle of Valium out the car window.Luckily for me,my grandma(her mom) lived next door to us and she took care of me.She passed away in 1992 from breast cancer.When I was 10,mom got remarried.And boy,did she ever pick a doosie!An alcoholic that wouldn't work and didn't even own a pair of shoes.She got pregnant at 40 with my brother.My stepdad started molesting me when I was 11 years old.I finally got up the nerve to tell when I was 14.I spent 3 months in a psychiatric hospital and nothing happened to him.She has told me more than once that it is my fault that she doesn't have a husband and my brother doesn't have a daddy.According to her,I led him on because,like all 11 year olds,I wore shorts.Not short shorts just khakis and the like.She threw away all my shorts and I wore blue jeans year around,even in August.Realistically,I know that she put me in that situation and it was her place as my mom to protect me.She tries to put the blame on me and blame everything that is wrong in her life on me.

You always make me feel better. Christmas Eve was great. Mom was on the floor of her bathroom and the squad had to come and pick her up!! She is OK, but I think her UTI infection is what made her so weak. She has a very good attitude, but part of that is that I set the guidelines upon her moving in with us. When we built our house, Dad gave us the money to put on a suite of rooms for futre us. Don't know what I would do if Dad hadn't agreed to that. He was so smart and I miss him. He dies 3 years ago at 92, Mom is 87, still smart, but the body is not cooperating. I am taking her to the DRs. on Friday. See what he has to say. I want her evaluated. Dawndav sounds like she is on the right road. Her state has programs that really sounds wonderful. New Jersey, not so good. Anybody out there from New Jersey who knows of some great programs, let me know. Thanks. Happy New Year to you all and inner peace!!!!!!!

eons.com is another great web site!! And yes it is hard not to take it personal!! My mom makes me feel so guitly because she has this God awful pitiful look on her face all the time!! I think we have the respite set up for this weekend and I am soooo looking forward to it. First time in a year I have been able to do something I wanted, like spend some time with my daughter!! 2 whole days, OMG!!! What will I do first??? It will be heaven!! I'm gonna take a looong hooot bath and sleep, sleep, sleep!! We are having some wonderful weather (ST Louis, MO) and I stepped out on the back porch yesterday for a few minutes and it felt soooo good!! And as far as money..........hahaha!!! We live on my husbands pension. 4 of us. My SS disabilty starts next month and that will help some. I was trying to figure out what to fix for supper...........corn bread and hot dogs!!!!!....lol!! Hey, at least we have corn bread and hot dogs.........keep smilin...........Phyllis

that souns so good but my mother refuses to go anywhere except to the doctor the highlight of her life, but it has been for the last 30 years so I guess its hard to change, she would never go anywhere with Dad either??? Me just say when and I'm like the dog at the door panting to get out. I guess I'm like Dad. If you suggest she come or go out she has a pain somewhere well guess what I have a pain somewhere to LOL But it sounds like at least your mom is cooperating with you I think it is good for them to get out and have some fun no play makes Jill a sad girl. But mother does what she wants and that is very little, she does eat, sleep and watch tv and she is obsessed with the mail I don't know what she's waiting for but its something. I hope she gets it. If I suggested this she would have a bonifide conniption and that is no lie. thanks for sharing and I will keep that in mind for myself. Yes I get the silent treatment all the time but there really is nothing to say and she can't hear and I think that is why she doesn't want to go anywhere. Happy New Year to you and chill out

I took my mother out of the nursing home to live with me. She sometimes gives me the silent treatment and won't conversate with me. I just ignore her and hope tomorrow is better. She is incontinent at night only, thank God. We have her on the elder care program in MN. They pay for everything. I have her go to the day center 3x a week where she gets socializing, breakfast, lunch and game time in. They pick her up and drop her off. They also pay for all supplies for her and transportation costs. She also has a personal care attendant that lives right across the road from us who is assigned for 6 hrs a day, and this is paid for by the same program. Even with all of this service it is still cheaper than the nursing home. I would suggest looking into a adult foster care home. I am going to be licensed because working a full time job every thing with mom is sooooo tiring. Good luck everyone.

Gee, yes, I think we all have the same parents, I don't think your father hates you I really think he doesn't know what he's saying or doing. We are all kinda thrown into this because we have compassion but there really should be some place we all can go to get some sort of training without spending the family fortune of $1.00.

yes, that's a joke I don't even have a $1.00. LOl

The hardest thing when taking care of my mother in law 11 years ago with alzheimers was not taking it personally, she never liked me cuz I was never good enough for her baby but here we are next week 38 years later and still good enough for baby boy but thats a whole nother topic. Its hard not to take it personal but its not personal. Its just their frustration will try to find some websites and post when I have a few extra min. neon

I want my mother to do things for herself and she does to a point she fixes herself something to eat, she sits and watches tv, thats about it oh and gets up and goes to her room and plays in there all night long. sleeps all day, she is so tired and her backhurts so that is her excuse not to have to take responsibility for anything not that she ever did I've been raising her kids since I was 7 getting kinda sick of it now. I am ready for her to go I am going to a hypnotist to quit smoking next week and not sure I want to quit It is my crutch and I so enjoy sitting on the front porch listening to the church bells at 5:15 and having a cup of something and my cigarette. But I know I should before I get emphasema or some lung disease but I have been fortunate have been smoking for 46 and not serious problems from smoking. I am going to keep it simple like I said on another post when she can no longer see its to the Nursing home, that may soun cruel but thats what they are for and you better believe if it was the other way around My butt would already be there When my Dad was so sick two years ago she wrote in her "Journal" which I wasn't supposed to see. "If I would have known I would have to take care of him at this age like this I would have never gotten married" What the hell happened to death do us part? So its me me me when it comes to her and unfortunately you do reap what you sew.l have a good day girls and I hope sometimes I say something that lets you know you are not alone and that its okay to feel the things you feel and its okay not to have to want to deal with them and its okay not to deal with them. You have a life to and there is no place written that says you are responsible for other peoples decisions. You are only responsible for yours. Neon

Lisa, honoring your parents isn't what this is about. You have such a dysfunctional situation thatto continue this was isn't even close to what is expected of you.

I would have social services do a welfare check on your mother and your brother. Your mother sounds mentally ill and your brother has been made to feel useless and needs a lot of psychological help.

The only way out is to detach yourself from this mess and have social services take over. You are helping them by getting help. You can't do more than you are and what you are are doing is ruining your life. Please get help so you can take care of yourself, save your marriage and family, and move on. You can monitor what happens with social services and help in any way you can, but this is something your can't do alone.
Carol