I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me to see I don't have it bad at all. I am so sorry that you had cancer and had to undergo such pain and fear.My heart breaks for you. Your mom sounds as tho she has had her way most of her life and your brother just doesn't know he has choices. But you do have choices. The worst that will happen is things will remain the same in that household, and there is nothing you can do to change any of it. Guilt seems to be the main "killer" of caregivers. It is only a feeling.That is not to say it isn't a powerful feeling, but a feeling, none the less. I have had to work " to the other side" of that feeling and believe when I say there is a feeling of knowing in your heart and soul you did all you could.That sacrificing ourselves for insanity makes us as crazy as the ones making us crazy!And you apparently have courage and fortitude , and do not need anyones permission to save yourself and your husband and children.Do what you need to do and know that we are supporting you and your health. Life hands us a lot of things that we can do nothing about, and then there are the things we have choices about. Save yourself!!!! Get some peace,Take the time to look at the past and see if anything you tried to do changed anything. If not, again, save yourself. You will be in my prayers. Let us know how things progress. You have already faced the most fearful thing in your life, getting out of there is nothing compared to that.We understand how you feel and support you. God help you in this part of your journey.
I just want some peace before I die.I know the Bible says to honor your parents but where do you draw the line?My health is suffering,my marriage is showing the strain and my kids say they hate her and God forgive me,I'm starting to feel the same.I just don't know where to turn or what to do.
Take care,
Carol
after getting to know my client the parent will tell me that they chose that particular
child because they felt that they were more together. or in some cases more trustworthy and responsible. Just wanted to add some consulation and insight to a desperate situation.
I'm not criticizing, but if you feel your mom needs to be admitted & tested, get on the phone and have the doc or whoever is covering for her/him paged. Waiting till next friday might not be the best for her.
Did you speak to the doc & they told you to wait, or are you waiting because you know they aren't available? I know from personal experience that being the squeeky wheel is not always convenient, or easy it is important if you feel she needs to be checked out to have her just go NOW.....if any doc says wait - tell them you want it in writing and watch how quickly they change their tune.
please take care & let us know how it turns out.
have a peaceful day, but please don't be pushed into waiting if you believe she needs to be in the hospital.
Please, please do not feel guilty when you get help from someone else. It strikes me that the caregiving role always seems to fall on the shoulders of one person, which is so unfair. Remember that everything you do, whether she remembers it or not, comes from the goodness of your heart. You're right you cannot make her happy. But don't punish yourself because of that. You are doing so much for her, your husband and your daughter. Now go out on that weekend and do something for yourself! The world will not end I promise! Let me know how it goes ok? Love and blessings to you dear. Hope to hear from you soon.
I hear you! I am feeling so guilty right now. I have Hospice and they are going to do a respite for me. A weekend. I am so looking forward to this. Last week they came and stayed for us to go out to eat and I felt so guilty, we went to Taco Bell so it would be quick. I enjoyed it sooo much!!! Who would have thought Taco Bell would be sooo fun?!?! It's the first time in months that I went anywhere without my mom. The last time we took her out to a restaraunt, she gave the waitress an dog turd!! She had it hidden in her coat pocket!! She is now housebound. I have been taking care of my mom, who has Alzhiemers, for about 10 years. She has lived with us for about 4 years now and I have been a 24/7 caregiver for about a year.
I have Rhumatoid Arthritis and suffer from Vertigo. The stress has made the RA so severe some days its' all I can do to get out of bed. My husband,(God bless him), helps me sooo much. Our daughter (mentally challenged) is getting the worst end of it. We never get to go out with her anymore. Her and her grandma were so close but now grandma is sooo mean to her. She hits her and cusses her and accuses her of stealing. She doesn't even call her grandma any more. It's that woman. She doesn't understand. We have gone thru all of our savings trying to keep things going. My husband was diagnosed with Hep C and was off work so long for treatment, we lost our house. I applied for SS disability last year and was notified that I was finally excepted!!! Yeah!!!! It will help so much!! Not like a pay check but much better than nothing!! One thing I have learned is, you have to laugh, hon!! My husband has a great sense of humor, thank God. He says mom could hide her own Easter eggs!! She is so unhappy and I think that was the hardest thing to realize. I can't make her happy!! She took care of me when I was little and when I was sick, she gave up so much and I feel like I should do the same but I've finally learned that I can't. I keep her fed and clean and that is all I can do! No body can make her happy!! I have a Gerri chair and sometimes I have to put the tray on just so she can't get up. That is the only way I can get anything done because she follows me evrywhere in the house. Bathroom, kitchen, etc. She has fell several time so now we have the Gerri chair!! I have a half sister and an adpoted sister and several nieces and nephews but haven't seen or talked to them since last year at Christmas when Grandma was still social. They all live within a couple of miles. Heard from no one this year. Quiet holiday at home with my kids and grandkids. Oh well, when its all over, I'll know I did all I could and won't wish I had done more. Wow!!! I have really gone on!! When you start, it seems like it all comes pouring out!! Keep smilin lostsoul............I read here every day. It is my lifeline!! I don't always get on because when I do, ya see what happens.............but reading is great!! We are all here for ya....we may not be "family" but we are here for you!!...........Phyllis
You don't sound cold you sound human. and you are right, alot of people made poor choices and sometimes we are chosen to make it better. I think I realized the other day that one of the main problems we face is parenting parents. They resent it and so do we. My dad was mean, abusive, unhappy and full of resentment. I did my part the last years of his life. The things I learned about myself were priceless. Lessons I may not have learned otherwise. But maybe your"father" should be in assisted living or a nursing home. I don't know how our lives get so messed up while caregiving, but it happens to all of us.
I am grateful you found this sight also. There are many who feel the way you do. And all of us are here for you. Others will agree that you are simply one tired, overwhelmed human. Find ways to take care of yourself and breathe, don't forget to breathe.
Let us know how you are doing and this is the place to rant. One big cyber-hug for you and you will be in my prayers.
All I can do is say "ditto" to what you wrote.
Carol
*** myvoice2.....happy holidays, I was wondering if you have spoken with your canadian rel's and evaluated your options on sending your m-in-law across the border. According to a canadian relative I spoke with today, the waitlist is pretty long and she would need to re-establish residency if she has been out of the country a while. Does she rec'v a canadian pension - or american SS? It was also mentioned that if she has dementia and is unable to navigate the system herself you would need to obtain an affidavit of responsibility signed by the relatives she would be staying with until there was an opening available for her. You are probably better off applying for medi-medi here in the states.
Try to leave the guilt behind knowing that you have done your best. You are only human. In any relationship we occasionally become annoyed or angry with each other. As I see it, caregiving is no different than any other relationship where we are not perfect. Don't judge yourself harshly for having made the decision to place your Mom in a nursing home. Hope you find a good nursing home for your Mom and one that will allow you to take a deep breath once you place her there.
Miak, we feel for your situation as I have been their before and often. Sometimes I don't know how I get through a day but I do and not without stress. Well my dad is in the hospital and I am letting his brothers take care of it for the first time. He is their because he stopped taking his meds that enable him to think clearly. The doctor confirmed that is what is wrong with him and he has to know I will not allow this manipulation any more. He wanted me to stay home from vacation. I cannot be with him 24/7. He is only 65 years young and wants me to be with him all the time. Well after this stay in the hospital he will know that he is wrong in doing this just in time for Christmas.
Listen I feel sorry because their are no more children around but if he had not treated my husband like crap for the last 15 years maybe he could have been able to go traveling with us sometimes. But dad has always been mean and I did not do that. I carry around the fact that I am the only person in the world that cares about him. I have 3 sisters who have not helped once in the last 5 years.
The responsibility of being their for someone who is slowly loosing his ability to think, do things, walk, and take care of himself. I feel so heavy hearted daily with this. Because if I don't do it no one else will and I don't want to end up like that. I have always had friends but no children and I think of myself but I right now have the peace of mind along with my husband to take care of this in advance. My dad just says who cares anyway just plant me when I explore the idea of a will, or a hospital concent in case he cannot make decisions. He just won't decide anything.
I just don't want to have to force him to do anything he don't want to do except if his health and person is in danger if he stays alone.
Merry Christmas everyone I hope you are all blessed--we do a lot but I know it will come back to us someday.....Alice
I so know the feeling of wanting to die to get away from this hell hole that we all are in. If only I could give you advice, but I don't have an answer for me either. The counselor I go to, helps a little, but not enough to get me by. All I can tell you Is try to stand your ground and let it known that you do not like doing this any more. I tell my parents that every day, If they don't get it, it helps me to feel like I am getting something off my chest.
Love,
Marylynne
What kind of a care home is you mother in? A good one should be one where you could go every other day, and she'd still be safe. You can't keep this up and ruin your marriage and your health. Your mother wouldn't want that, if she could have decided this before. Just remember what you would want - would you want your kids to go through this for you? There's a point where you have to turn more care over to others. You are still a caregiver, you are just getting help. Get to know the staff and gradually start to draw back a bit before you collapse. Please keep coming back to talk it out.
Carol
God Bless, and Merry Christmas!
If you don't take care of yourself, no one will!! If your parents are pulling your strings and you are aware of it, only you can put a stop to it. Stand your ground and don't let them manipulate you. Tough love is called for in both these situations. My brother tells me he knows how hard it is to take care of mom
I just got dad set up in a new apartnment and today he went over their with no shoes (in the snow) on, not bathing in weeks and told the landlady that the FBI was all over his apartment and she had to get them out. They called the police on him and took him to the hospital because they thought he was crazy. I am leaving tomorrow night on vacation and he stopped taking his meds about 2 weeks ago so that he could cause a big hospital stay.
His ways of doing things are unbelieveable, When I told him he better not quit his meds because then he would act crazy he said it did not matter because no one cared anyway. I told him he always pulls something right before I have to go away. He is doing this to himself because he is bored and wants attention.
After 5 years of this I have had it, I am so tired physically and mostly emotionally, I am in a constant panic with my husband getting mad because he knows my dad is just seeing how much he can pull me away. He drank for 40 years now he wants me to watch him day in and out. I cannot do it 24/7 no more. I cannot be their all the time to watch him takes meds and do everything for him. He was doing fine for a long time now I get him settled in a new place and now he makes himself sick.
I don't know what to do but I think his brothers are going to have to pitch in and take care of him a while maybe then someone will see all that he is doing and help me put him in assisted living. Unless of course they want to watch him all the time.
I love him dearly but this is to much for one person to take so believe me when (desperation) you are going through this it is some relief to know we are not the only ones. We deserve gold metals for all the work we do but we never get it. Because all those family members who do nothing don't know what the feeling is like day in and out on a regular basis. Remember to take care of yourself. I am going on my vacation--perhaps a social worker will step in if I am not their to be with him.
Sincerely,
Alice