I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 1/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
My heart goes out to you. Reading your e-mail brought tears to my eyes. I don't think any of us knew what we were getting into when we decided to care for our parent(s). I am a registered nurse who worked in LTC for over ten years and thought I knew what I was getting myself into. Was I ever wrong!!! We are all here for you. Vent whenever you want to. I have found that being able to express my feeling to other people who understand makes all the difference.
An option, if you can find it, is licensed home care where people take elders in their homes. We have several in my area, ranging from six to ten or so people. You could check with the social services people in your area and see if they know of any of these homes. Be sure and check them out, but they can be a Godsend if you find a good one.
Carol
I have inquired about an assisted living apt. for them both but I don't think Dad can care for her or himself. I don't let them cook or prepare anything to eat since he won't wear his glasses and almost set a fire in the microwave making popcorn.
Now they're up all nite and sleep all day. I could go on and on, but the more I write the funnier it gets! Or the sadder I can't tell anymore...
Marylynne
I can vent here, and people understand!
Thanks everyone!
Listen to Decor-she has a good head on her shoulders and has been through so much herself;
People do, consciously or unconsciously, choose their lives in many ways.
Alcoholism is a disease, but there is help. Once people's brains get to the point of dementia, however, most help will be ineffective.
Siblings who don't help affect many, if not most, families. Men are getting better at stepping up to the plate, but I think most of them are only children. This isn't always the case, of course. But it still seems that if you are "the girl" - especially if you live close by - then you are "it." It would be nice if siblings could at least give you a break.
Hang in and keep talking. That always helps a bit.
Carol
I am feeling guilty of course because dad is all by himself. My husband and I have no children and have made arrangements for our older years. I think even if we had children we would have made the same decisions concerning our older years or if we get sick.
No one should have to take the burden and responsibility of someone else. I know that family is family and have taken care of my father for many years but I feel guilty all the time and I don't know why. Because I did not choose his life, I was forced to watch him drink day in and day out. And now I cannot believe I feel guilty because he has no one.
I have 3 sisters who don't care and I am always at conflict with myself and my husband over what and how much time I spend with him. He was living with me and that was a disaster but now he is at his brothers and waiting for an apartment to move into.
But nothing solves the being alone. Nothing.
I don't know why I am still always feeling guilty if I go a day without calling. I even try not to for his sake so that he don't get the wrong idea and expect me to do everything for him again.
This is the worst thing in life to deal with and I don't know how we do it but I am glad for this place to write.
Feeling bad today because I am feeling sad for him again!!
All and all, we are lucky. She is a loving mother, but I need a break!!!! The holidays are coming, and it can be a depressing time of year for so many. Peace to you all. So glad I found you.
Lovingdaughter
Many types of dementia come with this, especially later stages of Alzheimer's. Please don't fault yourself. It's the disease and no one can do more than you are doing, but medications may help. You are doing all you can. Get medical help and some respite help, if you can. But, please understand that you can't make her happy. The fear is real to her and it's not your fault that you can't make it go away.
My dad's surgery did that to him and it's so horrible to feel so helpless, as a caregiver, so my heart really goes out to you. But all you can do is try to calm her and get medical help for the worst moments. Please keep coming back and talking about it and get as much support for yourself as you can. Caregiver guilt is so common, and in most cases, unfounded. We try to do the impossible, and when it doesn't work, we feel guilty.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
You may be right about "what comes around, goes around" but I do not want my son to take of me when I no longer can. I wouldn't want this burden for anyone!! I love my mom but I have had to give up my entire life. My husband, daughter and I are able to do nothing outside of our house. We use to go to many things to do with my daughter (she is a 34 year old Downs) go out to eat, go to relatives for holidays. We can't do any of that anymore. My mom spits her food out and plays in it. She has very little control of her bodily functions. Needless to say, we don't leave the house. My husband does the grocery shopping and that is it!! I can't drive anymore because I'm having problems wiyh low blood pressure and Vertgo.I would wish that no one would have to go thru this, especially my children!!
That sounds like whining and I'm sorry but its been a bad day..........Smile, ya gotta laugh to keep from crying............Phyllis
I hope everyone is well and staying mentally happy. I know how hard it is also and beleive it or not I still believe "what comes around goes around" so just think we all have so much to look forward too.....
Have a great day and love yourself first always.....
Alice
It's good she occasionally recognizes that you both need help. Transition is never easy, and you will feel abandoned and alone, and often guilty, no matter what you do. She will, at times, be angry, but she's angry at her disease. That's normal.
Please do make sure you keep up with our own health needs. What would your mother do if you got sick? She needs you as her advocate and caregiver, even if she moves to a care center (maybe even more so). Getting outside help isn't giving up - it's getting extra help so you can care for both of you.
Carol
I'm on leave from work to help place her in a facility, which she is hesitantly receptive to, but othertimes she is resistent. There is no other family willing to help, and her friends have abandoned her. I feel so alone and everything I try seems wrong to me and it seems hard to find anything to hope for. I need some type of help, and I don't even know what help I need. where do I turn?
Carol
I, too, just send people to an attorney. It's too complicated (and risky) for any lay person to give advice.
Take care of yourself,
Carol
Disclaimer: The information that I have written in this post is in no way meant to be used as legal advice. I am not an attorney and am in no way qualified to advise on any legal matter pertaining to Elder Care Law.
Carol
The need for records isn't the first thing on your mind when you bring an elder into your home. It's caring for them. There are many in your situation (which doesn't help you, I know).
But thanks so much for sharing what you are coping with. You are right - would you get paid what the nursing home gets - for private care? Not likely.
Our thoughts are with you, and we're glad you are in a better living situation, now. Hopefully, you can get through the Medicaid mess without too much pain.
Carol