I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Dear elaine, you will be doing the right thing for the both of you.  I moved my dad into a ALF, just over a month ago and he is doing great.  He has made new friends, and now goes on field trips, and socializes as best he can even with his limitations having alzheimers/dementia.  He and I have a much better relationship now, and he looks forward to seeing me and the rest of the family.  While living at my home, he just sat like a vegetable on the couch everyday, and was very grouchy, and a lot of times unresponsive or resistant to my efforts of keeping him active or socializing.  Now, he is much better.  My family life is much better, I feel less stress, and don't feel as if I am going to lose control everyday.  I can concentrate on other things like my children, and husband.  You too, can do this.  Yes, I even felt guilty, like I was sending my child away.  If you did not have all these feelings about this, you would not be human.  Will you still worry? The answer is yes. Will you feel guilty? The answer is yes. But if you feel she is going to a comfortable, caring environment, then you will feel better about is within a few weeks. Good luck to you, and all of us are here for you.

HeidiD: Thanks for the words. It helps to hear from People have gone thru this and how it turned out.
I just want her to be in a comfortable place, and be happy as much as possible.
I want to enjoy mom not be so upset and agitated and as frustated as she is.
I know in some part this is what she would want me to do. She has said so in times that she was thinking clearly. It is just hard to turn your mom over to others to care for her.I just didn't want to let her down or The Good Lord down, on my responiblities of care for her.
I have experiences alot of dieases. But dementia/Alz. has been the worsed. There is no way to describe to people what it is like unless they have been there.
I enjoyed the poem. I want to be her daughter again and not her caregiver. I can enjoy her again.
Thanks again. Elaine

There is a period of adjustment but listen to the community and if they ask you to stay away for a few days do so. They know how to take care of her and if she is grouchy they can handle it. They do this everyday. The consistency of the Memory Care community will make her days better and the social interactions and care will be a good thing for her.
You have to do what is good for you, she would understand if she was in her right mind. She loves you and would want the best for you. Now she is not herself and it will progress and there is no reason to feel like you are doing something wrong. I have been there and it is hard, but Elaine you have a life too.

Do not ask me to remember.
Don't try to make me understand.
Let me rest and know you're with me.
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.

I'm confused beyond your concept.
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all cost.

Do not lose your patience with me.
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I can't help the way I'm acting,
Can't be different 'though I try.

Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone.
Please don't fail to stand beside me,
Love me 'till my life is done.

- Unknown

I'm getting ready to move my mom into a Assited Living Facility. I've been taking care of mom for 10 yrs in her home. In Jan.09 move her into mine after a fall. I can't do this anymore and moving her. I'm so tired of being agitated or frustated with my mom. And she is most of the time so gouchy and negative. Just can't listen to it day after day.
We've talked about Assited Living just don't know if she is grasping what we are talking about. And sometimes she says she is living at home til she dies. Which now she thinks my home is her and i'm living with her. And sometimes she remember its mine.
For those of you that have moved them to Assited Living. How did it go? The one i'm moving mom to has a memory care unit. I'm afraid she will not adjust or cause alot of problems for them.
I'm telling her that the dr. wants her to go there for a couple of weeks to help with her back and physical therapy. But she say nothing wrong with her.
Just wanting to know how it went for some of you. Did it work out and they adjusted. And how did u feel. I'm feeling guilt, let her down because i just couldn't do it anymore. Failing, because i just couldn't do it anymore etc....
Any advice is welcomed or ideals on how to make it work. Or how to help her fill comfortable with the move once there. Anything.

Thanks, Elaine

heavyload,
Congrats to you. I am sure your mom will adjust and you have just added years to your own life.
Linda

Dear heavyload, congratulations. This is good to hear. Now you can concentrate on other things in your life, and know that your mom is safe, fed, cared for, and within visiting distance. I did the same for my dad recently, and he is much better, and he and I have a better relationship so far, and now he looks forward to seeing us now. Now you can change your name from heavyload to lightload LOL. Take care all!

After she adjusts she will be fine-there comes a time you just have to say I can not do it anymore-I got to that point I kept waiting for others to day it and my threapist at the time said you are waiting for someone to rescue you and it is not going to happen so aaI did say this last time after 16 or so times in rehab-I can not do this any longer and I got support from others right away and even my husband finally said he could no longer be at home-and it was such a relief for me that heavy weight was lifted off me- my husband did pass away brfore he was on medicaide but was covered by insurance until the day he went into the hospital for the last time so only had to pay for his last bedhold at the nursing home. Many caregivers die before the ones they are caring for more than 30% my lawyer said it was 60%

Good for you! And you will be fine trust me! she will have so many more social interactions and make friends. You can only watch Judge Judy so long !!! Enjoy your life and she will be fine. A Place for Mom

Thanks to everyone for your help and replies. I have found an Assisted Living facility near our home and my mother has agreed to live there. I did take her on a tour of the facility and her room before she agreed. It was awful telling her that I could no longer have her in my home, but I had to do this for my sanity. My husband and I will be moving her in this week. I feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders. I do think this was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life!! Again, thanks to all of you for your help and support at this difficult time in all of our lives.

rereading it it was the womens daughter that I was in school with and her mother passed away a number of years ago unfortunately there was no place like she had at that time and she had to go into a nursing home her daughter was a widow and was working two jobs but did go into the nursing home daily to feed her mother her supper and she was an only child and her Dad had passed away years before then.

What is old is new- when I was a kid my grasndma worked for a women who bought a large home for her family and took in elders-in those days OLD PEOPLE and I also worked for the lady she was a nurse and had about 4 people live there some were bedriden and some were able to drive but not able to take care of all their needs and it was great I aways wished that would come back of course in my state there would be so many regulations that it would not be possible but it would be a great thing to combine those who need care and those who are older but able to help care for others and Domestic Care homes sound fantastic-I am going to bring that up to our elected officials one I met last fall was a caregiver for her Mom and had no idea health care for older folks was so lacking in our county until she had to face it as a caregiver herself and she did win the election. I am so glad there are places like that I am friends with the women who took in elders and can not wait to tell her about this-our 50th high school reunion is coming up this summer and will see her then,

Domestic Care homes generally take two to six elders and are residential in nature. We even have a rural one for folks who from farms who want to go out and garden on a big scale and such. If you can't find any on your own, ask your aging services folks if they can guide you.
Carol

Domestic Care Homes?? I will look into that. I may need it someday!! Thanks.
Linda

Yes, there is a very easy way. I did it with my dad. I just told him that I cannot take care of him anymore. I found a Domestic Care Home for him close to my home and he is happy. The emotions that you are feeling are all your emotions not your mother's. Break the umbilical cord. It is not that hard. There are Domestic Care Homes and not Nursing Homes please look into them..

some parents have little or no income and some of us are living paycheck to paycheck so some of us have to bring the parent in some parents feel more secure living in a childs home than going to a strange place. Yes we have our purpose in life and sometimes that purpose is to take care of our parents. We may not like it all the time that doesn't mean we don't care.
Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was
disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with
the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over
your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

God determines who walks into your life ......it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'

To heavyload,
frazzled is Fabulous!!! She is so right. You caved when you came home! I understand the pull she has on you, but you must set---BOUNDARIES--- Don't let her manipulate you. She eats, fine. She doesn't, too bad. I know that this sounds harsh, but remember what a tantrum is?? We all pulled them we were 2. Our parents , in so many ways, are 2 again. By the way, how many of us are 62??? Me too, soon. and I want my life back. My mom is really very good when I talk to her honestly, but she can still be difficult at times, especially when she thinks my good for nothing brother is a saint! Good luck!!
Linda

A nursing home is not always the only choice. Have you checked into any assisted living facilities? Depending on her financial situation, she may be very happy at one of these.
I would start out by getting some informational brochures for her and then maybe suggest a day or two to go visit some of them.
Explain to your mom that you love her very, very much and that you want her to be happy. But also be very honest with her in a kind way about your feelings.

Great job, you go girl. Stick to your guns, do not give a number where you can be reached, you call if you feel the need to check on the cond;. of your mom. Neonwocky, thats what most think, it doesn't mean you don't love them but they have lived your life, I just told them I lost my husband by choosing to care for my mom, now granted, I now know I did'nt lose much, but here I am 62 and alone trying to find a decent man. You're young, fall in love with you husband again if you have one. If you don't go have a great time. Remember they have lived their lives, I believe our jobs are to see they get good care, love them, but you can't live your life for them or you'll wake up and you'll be them. I won't do that to my kids, I told them I will go to a nursing home and be the patient from heck!!! frazzled

You need to get tough. I know how that sounds, but facts are facts. If all she wants to do is sit in her house and watch tv, LET HER! If you fix weekly dishes she can freeze or usually a senior center will deliver meals on wheels, if she chooses to eat them great, if not, tell her yu will have the local person come who checks to see if a person qualifies for a nursing home, and they do have to come, they will alwys say they qualify, and then SHE not you are making the decision. By the way she won when she got you to return early from you vacation. You're a softy!! God love you but you shoud'nt have came home early. You could have called her, had the nurse check her, the facility take her to the physican or have him come in , but do not come home, unless, sadly she passed away. You will never get a vacation otherwise, she will always pull this, always!! You must have an understanding family, and husband. You're young and have the chance to renew a relationship with you hubby, have fun, the kids are grown!! Live it up, get crazy, fall in love again with your guy. Mine did not understand, I chose wrong, now I'm alone, please do not do that. Ever try to find a desent guy at 62, well it isn't easy girl , so keep the one you have. Your mother has lived her life, you live your's. Can you tell I had a bad day with my little darling mother yesterday!! And she's already yelling at me this A.M Please don't do what I did. You love your husband and enjoy him and your family. Frazzled

Frazzled,

Thanks for the advice. I have tried to get my mom to participate in Adult Day Care, but she refuses to go. She just wants to stay in the house and watch TV. My husband and I went on a short vacation in May and put her in an Assisted Living facility for respite care. It was a total disaster and we came home early. She refused to participate in anything, only came out of her room for meals because the staff told her she had to and made herself physically ill. My mother thinks everyone in these facilities "is old". You are right, she did not have to care for either of her parents because they passed away before that every became necessary. My husband and I are now in counseling to help us make the decision to place her. It is so hard, but she is driving us crazy and we feel we need our lives back. I am almost 62 and my husband is almost 68. We would like some time to do things with each other before health prevents us from doing this.

that is a really good point my parents never did a thing for their parents except take just different kind of people want everything done their way without lifting a finger. don't ya just love it??

frazzled is right. I remind my mom that she did very little for her mom, so why is it my job to care for her.. I do because I live her, but not because it is my job! I leave Friday for a great 3 day weekend. Have not even told her yet! My brother is giving me a hard time about taking mom for 4th of July. Too bad for him. I switch places with him any day!

Dear Heavyload,
Try looking at senior apartments, most have activiteis, dinners every so often , day trips ect. Most elderly would enjoy the company their age. That is except my mom!! I understand, sometimes you just have to sit down and tell them the truth, plus did they care for their parents? most did not. Frazzled

Dear Heavyload,
Please don't feel guilty for your feelings. They are absolutely valid and common. Have you tried visiting an assisted living facility or a small rest home? I find that with situations like yours, a noninstitutionalized placement is very sucessfull for both parties. Hope it helps.

Carmen1tn,
Welcome aboard! Take a life raft and hang on. We all know what it is like to care for a loved one and we are on your side! My mom would love for me to never go anywhere, but the boundaries I set when she moved in worked. Stick to them, go out with your husband and be happy .You sound as if you have a great family that supports you. Keep coming back to this site. I can't tell you how much it has helped me. MindingOurElders, Mitzipinki , Micheleangel, and the others have sound advice. Again, Welcome!
lovingdaughter

carmen1tn, God bless you for your choice and start to heal. There is so much FREEDOM in boundaries! There is nothing wrong with setting limits and enjoying your life as well as providing for her. Don't be embarrassed.

After 40 years, I am just learning that God designed me in a way that has been stifled for 40 years. Feel the emotions, but do not let them control you. That's the difference. You have choices that you personally must make. Your mother has made choices of her own that are causing her to "drown" and she's trying to take down the ship. Do not feel bad because you need help to get through this process. Counseling can be (altho not always) a wonderful thing. Tools to help deal with the extremes are great.

Emotional tools are helpful in dealing with the extreme behavior that has led us to live in a co-dependent relationship. I cannot stand my mother, but I love her enough to provide her the help she needs without dragging me into her lifestyle anymore and do that caregiving with excellence. The road to healing is an incredible journey and not an easy one. The tools I have been given with the Godly wisdom from an incredible counselor have provided me ways to understand and to heal. When I walked back into my counselor's door (after 10 years of not needing him), I said "I need to get peace at all costs." I was serious. Little did I know what God would do to help that process along.

Micheleangel, just a word.... I am looking to soar far above, I am not looking to stay afloat. That floating left me dancing with mom's emotional control for far too long. Somewhere, somehow in life, the word boundaries became a taboo word. Yes, boundaries... God's second gift to us for real FREEDOM!

I also just want to pass a word of caution on to all. Having an extreme dysfunctional parent is different than the elder disease of the mind. It is a fine line in dealing with dysfunction vs. elder mental decline, at least when I talk about it. Sometimes its just the disease, sometimes its a lifetime of dysfunction. Please be careful in how we talk about our loved ones. Not everyone is dysfunctional but as a caregiver, there is a whole batch of burdens and emotional drains that make caregiving very difficult. Sometimes those lines can blur very easily. Love them enough to put boundaries in place to help them obtain their independence. If then they choose not to, that's their choice.

God bless all of you!

Hi Carmen1tn, Welcome, You are in the same boat as many of us. Most are trying to stay afloat as you are. You are doing the right thing to think of you and your hubby and family. Without you where would they all be? It is very difficult now you feel the guilt, anger, resentment I do believe that's all natural. One person on this site always talks about boundries and that's what you need to do, set them. It is your home and your rules. That is not being unkind to your Mom, if you don't set them it's being unkind to you. God Bless and keep in touch here these people are amazing they are very knowledgeable and caring, take care now

It has taken 48 years, and almost a nervous breakdown to realize that I can care for my mother in my home but can also have a life. She controlled me through shame and guilt and I am now cutting the umbilical cord that should have been severed 28 years ago. I work full-time and rush home so that the caregiver that replaces me for 8 hours can go home. I don't do anything fun because she can't and I had given up. Last night, we hired a sitter and I went out with my husband for a couple of hours. She was furious, had a "tantrum" and barely ate. As I rest in bed reading these articles I gain strength and know that I will have a price to pay today only if I allow it. I don't expect appreciation or strokes from her even though I will spend most of my day caring for her. I pray that God helps me take these baby steps to gain control of my life for the first time. My grown daughters and husband are very supportive and I have had to seek therapy. She is unhappy and "drowning" and wants me there with her. I hate that I've waited until she's in this state where she is dependent on me to claim my right to be happy. I feel a mix of anger, resentment, guilt and anxiety in dealing with her. I love and care for her but have come to understand that I need to love and care for me too. It's embarrassing to admit that emotionally I have been 10 years old regarding this relationship. Please pray that I make good choices in caring for both of us and also for the rest of the family.

LynnPO, you did exactly the right thing. You'll feel guilt, but it is unearned and you know it. You (and your brother) are still caregivers, but your mom is safe and getting what you can't give her - 24/7 care and the physical help. She will complain as long as she sees it works to make you feel bad.

Natually, she's rather be with you or on her own. She'd rather not be in the physical shape she's in, also. But, reality is what it is. You are making sure she is cared for and your brother has to take care of himself, or you'll be caring for him as well.

Keep up the wisdom, talk it out and try to detach from your mother's complaining. She has a right to complain, but you don't have to internalize it.

Take care,
Carol

Yes,BOUNDARIES! and taking care of yourself are so important! Mom doesn't know that we are going away in two weeks, but we are! She will have to grin and bear it. I have one of her caregivers who she likes staying for the weekend, so that should make it better for her and for me. I won't worry knowing that she is in good hands. Keep your parents on their own for as long as you can. You know when it is time to take them in or find a facility. We who care have guilt when we don't do everything for the ones who we love. My brother will have no guilt because he doesn't even know who he is such a disappointment. You all are the blessed ones.
Linda