Not because I am a mother. but because I have a mother who wants me to take her out to dinner like last year which she thoroughly enjoyed, I hated it. She put me in the middle of a screaming match with my sister over something trivial. She drank her meal, ate very little and getting drunk. She asked to visit her mother at the cemetery and almost passed out. Comes to find out she had taken an Ativan earlier which with the amount of alcohol consumption caused her to almost pass out. I gave up being with my children that day to try and make a nice day for her and NOW she wants a repeat performance this year. I wish this day would just skip by.
Alcohol (although not recommended in high doses), does hep calm the nerves. Both would grate on mine. As an only child, small family, and no emotional escape, I found a counselor who I swear is an angel in disguise and an occasional drink helped me cope until the passing of my mother. Now I rarely if ever have a drink and my counselor has turned into a working partnership/counselor to help on some projects I'm into.
Take the lessons you learn (even when overwhelming) and let life teach you. Sometimes we cannot escape our circumstances, but we can sure find ways to cope!!
When we can accept our flawed parents and don't expect anything different - well it's the first step toward parenting and satisfying ourselves.
And acceptance doesn't mean putting up with bad behaviors. Acceptance means that if you are incapable of ignoring such behaviors than give yourself permission to protect yourself by staying away from people who hurt you.!
And feel good about it- believe me, some parents take a great deal of satisfaction from hurting their children. Encourage your partner to take that power away from his mom.
A person who is capable of realizing that the parent is not meeting their needs and is hurting them is equally capable of parenting themself and protecting themself from harm. They only have as much powers over us as we give them.