Driving: Moral dilemma.
My FIL should not drive anymore. Unfortunately, he's passed special examinations from the DMV - twice - and the last test was about a month ago. So he's sure he's a fine driver. Frankly, he has the legal backup to "prove" it. My MIL says if the DMV says he's OK, he's OK (but she's nervous). They have to make a long trip to a military base each month to pick up meds and do inexpensive shopping. These trips wear them out, so now I must go with them. Since it's on base, I can't simply run these errands for them. (My husband's slightly disabled, and there's no one else within hundreds of miles.) My FIL, of course, insists on driving - and on taking their car - and MIL backs him up. This is really getting scary, but I see no way out, and I resent being in this precarious position. Guess this is just a vent.
As for the long term, if his license is finally taken away, then they'll have no choice but to let me drive. He's still too law-abiding to defy the DMV.
What I'm worried about in the even longer term is what happens if/when neither one can "supervise" me while we're on base.
As for now, I'm stuck. If his driving was the only issue, I wouldn't be doing this at all (though I'd still be/feel responsible if anything went wrong).
Also, if these trips "wear them out" I do not see how bringing you along wears them out any less - maybe you are helping with the bags. If these trips are so hard on them, maybe they can consider an option closer to home. How much of a cost savings is this, after you factor in car expenses and time?
Sometimes people just want to hang out to familiar habits because that is the way it has always been done and it helps them hold on to their better (healthier) days.
The meds are the sticky point, and a big one. Between trips, they do shop locally. But he shouldn't be driving locally, either. For now, that's between FIL and MIL, who does drive (when he lets her). She also wisely limits her driving.
That Said ... I think I've come up with an argument for tomorrow's trip, and a possible workaround for future trips.
Will let you know about both, if they work.
Military pharmacies, however, are a thing unto themselves. But I've found hints that there may be some complicated mechanism to allow me to pick up meds. Getting on the base in the first place, however, is another issue.
I would definitely talk to his dr, let them know that he passed DMV test but you are seeing slow reactions, poor judgement, and are concerned.
Also make sure someone from family talks to whomever prescribes his drugs and explain the predicament. That age group is proficient at editing info to make it seem like they "have" to do certain things. The dr may have more flexibility than your FIL is letting on.
Do not let him drive you. He might through a temper fit but sooner or later he's going to have to face up to the reality that a bruised ego is better than someone getting injured or worse.
I bet the commissary is like going to DisneyLand for them each month, and they look forward to that.
My parents would only get their meds via mail order and it was sent to their mailbox at the post office. I rarely go to that side of town but would have to check their mailbox twice a day if they were expecting a Rx delivery. I would go during my lunch hour at work.
Finally I got my parents to have their Rx meds delivered to the perfectly good mailbox that sits at the end of their short driveway. But Mom was still worried that the mailman would know what pills she was taking.... [rolling eyes].
They're on a civilian health plan, but a military meds plan. Military mail order meds are available only if they switched to the military health plan ... in which case every doctor's visit would require many additional long drives to the base. (And I'm not sure they can still switch over to the military plan.)
My FIL's regular doc sees nothing wrong. It was a substitute doc who turned him over to the DMV.
My MIL is frail, but sharp. She's started to opt out of the trips, but no way does she want to cause a fuss, or be caught in the middle of one. Regrettably, I need to cause a fuss. But it's her I'm worried about, not him.
By the way, this is the first thread I've read about anything, anywhere, where all respondents were unanimous. Many thanks!
We are definitely getting to the point where traveling so far for meds and groceries is impractical even if I take over all of the driving, simply because it is so wearing on them ... but for now, the savings are HUGE.
My MIL fully understands that changes will soon be necessary. My FIL cannot cope with this level of decision making. As for me, I'm willing to make the drive as along as it's feasible. At the same time, I'm also seeking viable alternatives.
Pretty easy solution, for a few dollars their meds could be shipped UPS or FedEx. Surely both shippers do business with where they get their meds, don't they?
For now, I don't mind making the drive and taking care of the in-laws, as long as I'M the one doing the driving, and as long as they only need moderate care while on base (finding groceries, general running around, bringing the car to them, etc.).
The problem is that my FIL still thinks he can drive safely. He can't. The day I posted the OP, he'd just totally proven - again - that he cannot. (If only we could convince the DMV ...)
Taking/disabling their car is not an option. He's still got it too much together for that to work. More important, my MIL still needs the car. She limits her driving, but is still capable of driving locally, in good weather and by daylight. Hiding the car won't work, either, because her mobility is slightly impaired and she'd never be able to get to the car. She will *not* get tough with him, although she and I are on the same page as to his abilities.
All I can do is get tough myself, and stay tough. And I'm really grateful to the group for urging me to do so.
A few years later I was in the car (which was rare) the day my mom got a speeding ticket, driving in a school zone. I had to explain to my mom that a cop was behind us, repeated over and over "Please pull over, you must stop now!" and then, repeated to her over and over that a cop was standing outside the car. Then she wanted to know what the cop was asking. I had to explain that he wanted to see her license and registration which took repeated explanation on my part. I kept asking myself why the cop was so clueless as well, why did he not question why this woman needed explanations about this routine thing. Poor Mom! She paid the ticket when the bill arrived in the mail.
Years later, one more time I was with her when she was driving. Yes, it was truly terrifying. She stopped in the middle of the road for no reason, repeatedly. One of the offhand remarks she made was, "I am the best driver on the road!" I swore I would rather walk ten miles than ever get in with her again. We kids prayed for a smart cop, which was about all we could do since we'd gone through all the channels we could.
Mom had already wrecked the car she had and was now "renting" cars whenever she felt like it. One day, after years of this nonsense, my brother got a call from the town police saying my mom had been in a car wreck and they had taken her license and driven her home. No one else was hurt nor was anything significantly damaged. Mom was fined for the small damages incurred to the rental car and the other car. She paid. She was told under extreme remote conditions she might get her license back but the courts deliberately made it impossible for her.
I don't know what you but a lot depends on your local laws. Unfortunately many elders really want to hold onto their licenses to the point of denial.
Most of us have some aspect of aging we simply do not like to admit, even to ourselves. Perhaps we aren't as good at a task as we used to be, or we don't remember the things we learned in college, we can no longer speak that foreign language as well, or we can't do figures in our heads anymore nor thread a needle. Some women don't like admitting they are having hot flashes. Or we don't want to admit that our years ahead are fewer than the years that are behind us.
In terms of calling a halt to FIL's driving in general, what about a dashboard camera? If he thinks he's Nikki Lauder or something and he's already passed the tests okay, he may not object to a further way of showing what a brilliant driver he is. And then, since the camera doesn't lie, you'll have any evidence you need on record.
"From now on, when we are both in the car, I drive."
He never drove again.
Get this into your head, this is not a moral dilemma. it is a safety issue.
Safety first!
You have very right to set your boundaries. If he doesn't like it, he can stay home.
Explain to them that you will be driving if you go. Be firm and smile. Once you have driven them, they will realize how much easier it is for them to relax and ride along. You might suggest it on the way home when they are tired and wore out!
If your FIL doesn't have any dementia, you should be able to reason with him.
If you can't, then you should refuse to go or become sick. You have a responsibility to yourself and your husband.
Good luck to you, but make sure your husband speaks to him too.