Dysfunctional family members and caregiving
There are many times I think that with my particular dysfunctional family member, things would be much better and easier if they were not part of the caregiving situation. They make things so much worse and at times they are more difficult to deal with than my loved one with dementia. They really don’t caregive anyway and are the total opposite of the caregiving type and even irritate my loved one with dementia at times. Everything with this dysfunctional family member is extremely complicated and it takes forever to get a simple yes or no answer from them. For example, there are some days where they take forever (sometimes hours) to decide what time I need to come over to help. There have been times where I am just waiting around because I thought I would have to go over there soon, when I could have been cleaning or accomplishing other things that need to be done around the house. That affects what I do for the day so leaving me hanging is disrespectful and unappreciative in my opinion. They completely disregard not only the value of my time, but my mom’s time as well, (my mom caregives too). It’s hard to not be resentful when you’re being taken advantage of and used just because this particular dysfunctional family member doesn’t want to take care of my loved one with dementia. Someday when my loved one passes on and my caregiving journey is over, it is safe to say that I will not be in contact with this family member. They’ve always been a miserable, negative person who is jealous and hates when my family and I do anything fun and only calls us when they want something. We’re tired of being used.
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I am being paid to caregive at least 4 days a week (sometimes 5) for about 8 hours at a time (sometimes a little more or less on certain days). I also have a part time job on the weekends. You’re right, boundaries need to be set.
While at doctors appointments, just the mention of the fact that grandma has memory loss absolutely infuriates her, so we avoid saying anything about that or about care facilities around her. She would hate not being at home, even though sometimes she doesn’t know where she is. We have discussed among ourselves that we may have to find a long-term care facility for her, but I don’t think we’re quite to that point yet. Her condition is currently still within our caregiving abilities. Expense is definitely an issue as well. I don’t know how we would pay for it after a while and she could be there for years.
I do it, but it can be a lot to handle, managing schoolwork, caregiving and my other job (both of which help me pay for college, so that is a benefit). I do still live at home which is good and I have a very close relationship with both my parents. And staying at home saves me from paying to live on campus, nor would I want to live on campus.
3 of us provide the 24/7 care. We usually have a routine and certain times set, but on some days plans change. There are set days where they are working, and I come over at the same time, therefore those days are not a problem. But on other days where they don’t work, is a different story.
Thank you for the advice. My mom is the primary caregiver, then me, then our dysfunctional family member. You’re right, we do need to set some boundaries and give time limits. Yes, kindness is the best way to go. At least if I be kind even though the other person won’t, I know that I have done all I can do.
Is it possible to make a schedule that everyone can easily follow.
Some people are just very bad at planning.
A large dry erase board with the days of the week and who is helping out on what day and what tasks need to be done might help everyone. Done this way as soon as someone arrives they can begin doing what needs to be done.
If they are the primary caregiver, they may be under a great deal of stress. And it might not be in their nature to plan. Many people are terrible planners. It's not necessarily that they think your time is less valuable. It's that planning does not come naturally to them. Try to be understanding of where they are coming from but still hold firm that you need a better system for scheduling your assistance.
You train people how to treat you. Don't ask "Do you need me today?" and be left hanging for hours waiting for an answer. Say "If you need me today, tell me by 10 so I can plan my day." If they tell you at 11, say "I'm sorry. I've made other plans." Even if you haven't. It shouldn't take long for the caregiver to fall into line- if they want the help.
I understand your frustration. But negative, envious people are making their own lives smaller and colder. It might be better for you if you could feel sorry for them rather than angry. Kindness is always the better choice. Kindness and good boundaries!