Elder care-Demands by elderly can be selfish and unrealistic!

I know this topic is old but I am glad to have found it. My story is different as I am dealing with anger and resentment after the fact.

My mother was always somewhat of a narcissist. I was never nurtured but instead was expected to be the nurturer. When she was younger that meant every "crisis" in her life was to be mine as well. This was to the detriment of my own husband and children. My dad kept his business (farming) going and totally ignored life. As my mom sank into the depths of dementia my sister and I had to step in for everything. Thank God my mom's brother convinced her to get long term care insurance (when it was still easy to get) as that paid for care in the home until she died. Now Dad is 80 and doing just fine but the expectation again is that his grieving, his loneliness is 100% our responsiblity. What is frustrating is that he is "aging in place" so that he can hang out with his own siblings (who he truly prefers to us). Kids and grandkids are just there to be caretakers even though we live 1000 miles away. Recognizing that Dad can't go on forever my sister got a house with a separate apartment just for him but he insists on staying at his current house as he doesn't want to leave "his family" (elderly siblings).

My mother-in-law was eerily similar. Life was always about her and her activities. After father-in-law passed away she soon was wheelchair bound but determined to age in place in a house not conducive to it. When her sons didn't move near her, she did hire help but relied way too much on her neighbors and had a very ungrateful attitude. At one point she would kick her caregivers out of the house and we'd get frantic phone calls that she was not lucid (got frequent UTI's but refused to go to the dr). That's one thing people don't understand, when an elderly person insists on staying in their home there is nothing a care service can do as technically it's the CHILDREN who are legally responsible. So I'd be freaking out that mil was sick and alone and needed care but there was little i could do as we were 1000 miles away. She refused to go into a facility as she would 'never leave her house". She eventually became too ill and brother-in-law put her in a facility. She was furious and died of an untreated UTI a few months later.

It really is true that many elderly are very selfish. Neither my parents nor mother-in-law ever had to deal with this with their own parents. My parents spent all their middle age years doing exactly what they wanted to do with no caretaking responsiblities (my grandparents died young as there wasn't the medical advancements like there are now). I feel like I have lost a lot of time with my own children because of my parents. I know my situation can't be compared as both of our moms are gone now and the caretaking is over but I feel a lot of resentment as I feel like my kids grew up and I had no time for them.

Wow. I really thought I was the only one in this back when caring for me MIL. I am now caring for my BF's aunt and she's a bit easier, but still leans toward the selfish side as I posted in another thread. Actually, she is a dream in comparison. My ex-husband and I were separated pending divorce when he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a 20-30% chance of survival. I dropped the divorce, moved back in and convinced him to fight for our adult daughter's sake. She loves her dad and was crushed. Lousy husband, great dad. So I became his caregiver, along with my mom and his mom and our daughter. He fought, he won. Surprisingly, he was an appreciative and good patient. It was a tough 2 years and financially ruined us with only my income and all the bills, all the unpaid time I had to take off after the paid time ran out. But he's alive. His mother moved in to "help". She took over my home right down to moving everything in the kitchen to her liking and barraging into our bedroom without knocking to give him his feedings (feeding tube). I constantly had to remind her that it was my house and I know what time he needs to eat and he is capable of telling me if he's hungry. I had to start locking the door. She was more difficult than he was. Fast forward to him returning to work. I moved back out, started proceedings again. Then his mother got sick. She was 96 and became a hospice patient. 10 years early before his dad died, he promised his dad his mother would never go into a nursing home. So he became her caregiver, stopped working again (he has his own business with no employees to take over for him) and they were living off of his ss check and annuities. Her money was only spent on what was needed. He never took a dime for himself. Eventually, he got caregivers coming during the day so he could work part time and he was able to secure jobs. But I got a call from him one day. He asked for help. His sister would not help him and it was becoming a 24 hour job. He was getting no sleep. I moved bsck in. He looked like hell. He took the first half of the night, I took the second. We both looked like hell. After the third fall because she tried to get out of bed herself AGAIN, we installed an bed alarm. It went off all night. She was demanding and rude. I remember at one point I informed her that if I didn't hear the word please, she would sit and wait until I did. We were constantly reminded of how much she did for her son. We owed her. Her daughter would visit every few weeks to ask for money from her dying mother and leave angry when my ex would tell her no, he was in charge of the funds and mom was already paying enough of her bills. He wouldn't turn off her electric or her cable but she wasn't getting anymore (both he discovered were in their mother's name). He intercepted a credit card bill a month later and asked his mother how she spent $800 in the last month when she's in a hospital bed and no packages have been delivered. She said she gave his sister permission to use it. He asked her just where the money was going to come from to pay it as we were all on a shoe string budget. She didn't have an answer. At her age,she bruised so easy

Continued: that we tried not to touch her unless we had to. She started telling her daughter we were abusing her. The visiting nurse and CNA both knew that was not true. Then, one evening I was cooking her dinner and had just told her it would be ready in about 30 minutes. She said, "I'm hungry now." I just walked out of her room. Next thing I know, I hear her on her phone telling her daughter that I was withholding food. So I walked back in and announced loud enough for her daughter to hear that I would most certainly be willing to serve her the chicken she requested raw, but I had heard that that's bad for ones health. It was shortly after this that she called in a social worker to revoke my ex's POA (both financial and medical) and give it to his sister. She still expected to live with us, but having control of the money brought her daughter around more often. That was all she wanted all along. Her attention. It worked. The woman showed up every few days, but she took the check books, etc, and suddenly we were on the verge of disaster. Nothing came in for their mother's care. No help with food, medication co-pays, NOTHING. So this nasty, demanding, arrogant woman in the hospital bed got what she want (her daughter's attention) but was destroying us. She had been given 3 months to live. With us, she had kept going 7 months. The doctors had upgraded her prognosis and we were praised for the job we were doing with her. My ex finally told his mother that since she gave his sister complete control over everything, she would have to give her complete resonsibilty. He informed his sister she had 30 days to move their mother out - to her house or to a hospice facility. We started getting calls from family and friends asking how we could throw a poor old woman out! She was moved to his sister's house. My ex was not allowed any contact. On Mother's Day, 2 months later, my ex received a call from a family friend. Why haven't you seen your mother? Called her? She's in the hospice center with little time left. He rushed over. His mother was in horrible condition, bruised head to toe, a skeleton wrapped in skin. She was barely able to communicate. A doctor told him she had been in ER 4 times in the 2 months. His sister had not stopped working her 10 hour, 6 days a week job and she had been neglected. But there was no proof to legally do anything. And somehow ex was blamed by family and friends. She died 2 days later. He was not there at the time and was notified by text by his sister, with an additional "you need to pay for cremation or I'm donating her body to science." He fowarded the text to a family friend, noting, "she has mom's money and mom planned for this." We never heard from her again. But because he was on all of his mom's accounts, he received final statements. His sister had funneled every dime from the accounts before her mother died. She had a brand new car. We heard about her big screen TV and leather living room set. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said, "Karma will take care of it." Eventually, we separated agsin, more amicably this time. He thanked me for my help in his difficult times. And he called the other day to say he heard through the grapevine that his sister was near homelessness. He was asked if he would take her in. He said he laughed out loud. Karma. His mother reaped what she sowed. She never had respect or consideration from his sister, never heard from her unless she wanted money, and she tried to get it by hurting the one person who gave a damn. She died lonely, neglected and in our eyes abused. And she treated us both like crap. So my BF's Aunt is a dream in comparison. My own mother has told me that she will never ask me to take care of her. She is 78. My father is 74 and recently recovered from a mild stroke. Mom has the beginnings of dementia. She said, find me a nice assisted living and come visit me, call me. Hold my hand when I'm dying. "Pumpkin, your life has been put on hold too many times already. You have a good heart. I don't want you to do it again." I love my mom.

History plays such a huge part in a caregiver's life. If your history with that person is rock-solid.........the caregiving is uniquely more positive.
I've been doing this caregiving thing for a long time - history is important.

First - my dad. He had a stroke and became wheelchair bound and unable to speak for the final 10 years of his life. Dad was the perfect father! I loved and admired him so much. Always wanted to be like my dad. Caring for him was a privilege to the end. He was gracious even with dementia.

Second - my sweet husband who endured an awful cancer battle. Our history was a love story and I adored him. Caregiving was easy as he was my everything.

Third - my MIL who had combative-type dementia. My MIL was an aloof woman who showed little interest in me or Bill or our kids. She was bitter and spiteful and stubborn the whole time I knew her (39 years). Caring for her was yucky. Her language was down to constant curse words. She kicked, bit and it felt like she just flat out refused to die.

My mom - bi-polar, failure to thrive. I know mom loved us but..................her bi-polar illness was really hard on my dad, brother, and me. Caring for her is okay but not great. She remains very, very needy. Our history was rocky. She is nice to me but whiney and needy.

We are creating our own history right now with our loved ones. I really don't think people change all that much when they get old. I love our kids and grandkids so much and give them lots of time and love. I want to!! Even when caregiving an elder...........I focus lots on my kids and grandkids. We have a lot to give to the young too!! Not just to elders.

I am not sure if this is the correct support group, but I am just looking for others in my situation. My Dad is elderly and been having strokes and is now almost completely bed ridden. My mother was his caregiver at home, but now he is termporily in a nursing home as he recovers from an infrection from a bedsore. He is expected to be there for about 20 days. They moved close to me about 4 years ago and it has been a struggle since they moved here. I feel like I am always trying to establish boundaries with my mom --- I understand she is taking care of my dad and it's difficult for her, but she refuses to hire help and expects me to be his caregiver too. I am torn on what is the appropriate level of involvement --- I love my parents, but I am trying to balance my own life with their needs. My mom treats me like a child and makes me feel guilty for trying to live my own life. Now that he is in the nursing home she stays with him all day to feed him and does not want him to be alone. She expects me to 'relieve" her all day on Saturdays, half day on Sunday and then come there after work to feed him dinner so she can go home and rest. I do not have children and my husband died 4 years ago so she does not seem to respct the fact that I do have a ife -- I have a career, I am on a local Non-Profit Board, I have friends and I have started a new relationship. For others in similar situations I am curious how involved you are in caregiving of your parent? (My parents have resources to pay for help, but my mom does not want strangers taking care of my dad and is convinced as the daughtre it's my responsiblity to take care of my dad.

Shcshl - I think you're definitely in the right place, although you may want to start your own topic to get more responses. People may not be reviewing these older threads as much.

I am wondering how much care your father actually needs given that he's in a facility. What do your mother and you actually do while you're there? If he has genuine care needs and your parents can afford to pay for help, they should be doing that. If it's a question of providing companionship for your Dad, you should feel free to visit him as often as you feel you want to. Your mother can't expect you to have the same degree of commitment to his happiness and comfort as she has. She married him and lives with him; you didn't and don't.

I think parents can be very overbearing with adult children, especially daughters. You mother may feel free to dispose of your time and energy as freely as if it were her own. You have the right to set boundaries with her. The more you do it, the easier it will get. Draw a limit and stick with it. Tell your Mom "I can only visit Dad x times per week ; I have a job and a household to run and other things to do." Good luck and let us know how it's going!

CarlaCB. Thank you for your reply. I reposted my comment so maybe it will be seen I appreciate your insight and it is reassuring to hear what you said.

TrishQ, in hindsight, yours could be a good cautionary tale about getting guardianship when there is a chance that a POA could be usurped like that, and not hesitating to call Adult Protective Services for welfare checks. There is a lot about these situations we do not know about the first time they come around, my own family included.

I don't know if people are still following this thread, but I'm finding that no matter what I do, I am begrudged because I married a very good man and moved away at 21. The rest of my 6 siblings stayed in our "home town" with my parents. through those years, i lived 14 hours away (by car) and none of them ever came to visit me, though I always invited them. I avoided the family drama, and for my own good only visitedevery couple of years. I kept the boundaries, we lost our dad, Then we lost 3 siblings, including my mentally disturbed brother who had been my mom's caretaker.. Now, at 90, my mother, who was always narcissistic, uncaring, and selfish, insists on staying in the 5 bedroom, 3 bath house, and does NOTHING but sit in her recliner while my 2 sisters spend 24 hours (literally) every day to on her every beck and call. They complain to me about mom, and insist I call her every day. They complain about how they always were treated like "slaves," and how mean and ungrateful mom still is, yet one goes to mom's EVERY morning to make breakfast, stays until noon-ish, when the other sister takes over until about 6:30 when a neice or nephew stays with mom until she falls asleep in her chair. They never take her out in the sunshine, and she never leaves her chair, even at night. She never sleeps in her own bed anymore, even though when I visited once last year, I and a friend I took along for a visit cleaned out mom's room, flipped the mattress, put on clean sheets, etc. Every time i visit, I clean out the hoarded mess. (my brother who lived with my mom, took care of her, then died was a hoarder like my mom.) That is a whole other issue. I was trying to have "the conversation about mom" for years before any of our brothers died. I told them this would happen, and now that they are there, they send me hateful texts and mean guilt-laden scoldings, because i am enjoying my life. These 2 older sisters, in their mid sixties, each have their own health issues, (one is on oxygen with copd and heart issues.) Mom has fallen, had infections three times over the course of several years, going into rehab in nursing, and every time my sisters had the chance to talk to my mom with the professionals there, they let her have her way. They always say, "Oh, she will never change, she will never leave the house, she will always be this way. etc." i was out there jus 8 months ago for mom's 90th , and several times that year, yet they are mad at me for every vacation I take, and every fun post i put on facebook, even though only one of them is on there. They look at my posts and begrudge my life. I have always been active, and they have always been negative, gossipy, overweight, smokers, with kids with money problems, etc.. my kids are well adjusted, independent, and self-sufficient, while theirs are always borrowing money, etc. tonight, after another sister sent me a nasty text, because my daughter and are finally visiting family in Europe, when the 2 sisters and my mom have refused to go with me over the years of my asking. Now, they are mad that I am 'getting out of" taking care of mom.. I've been accused of being non christian, and not "honoring my parent," and I don't even know what they want from me. I finally unfriended every one of my family from facebook, their kids, too, since that is where my sisters see my posts. They don't think I care, because I tell them we need to have mom in nursing care. She really does nothing but sit in her recliner 24 / 7 watching fox news. When I call she is nearly unresponsive, and if she is watching something interesting or eating her meal, she tells me, and basically I am interrupting, so i end the call, tell her I love her, and that is it till the next time. she does not call me, never has , nor has my family ever reached out to me.. except one sister, and she is one of the ones who is mad at me now.. I know they feel trapped, but every time a doctor tells them they are enabling, and that mom needs professional help they get mad. I am ready to just completely stop all communications, and just live my life. all this anger, unhappiness, and defeatism i hear from them is too much. My mother has no health issues.. she could be strong. she just needs balance therapy, to get outside a little, to be challenged to do some self care, small daily responsibilities, and socialization .... the house is a danger with electrical problems, and she is alone every night from 8 or 9 until morning, even though they say she cannot be alone at all... they are doing her more harm than helping.... I am stressing out myself, and though I've never been a worrier, like my mom, I find myself fretting over this situation. My husband is tired of it, and we both saw this coming years ago..

fedupsister, I only read about half of what you wrote. Sorry, but I am not so impressed with you. Your siblings are covering all the parental responsibilities so you can get on with your life, and you thank them by criticizing and looking down on them like they are losers. IMO, your siblings wouldn't be missing anything if you stopped all communications. You really seem to be into yourself and not your family. Your mother might miss you, though.

JessieBelle - I see it differently for fedupsister. I'm kind of in the same boat and so feel differently. My INLAWS have completely taken over my BIL and SIL's lives (yardwork, repairs, laundry, house cleaning, running errands) because my INLAWs won't pay for any services AND my BIL/SIL cannot say "no" even though they have full time jobs. Because they can't say "NO" they get angry at me and my husband, who live across the country, because we are not always flying out for weeks at a time to give them a break.

FEDUPSISTER and I have elders who refuse to look at alternatives other than living in their own home and will tramp all over the lives of their children to maintain their "independent" lifestyle. Shame on the parents. Also, shame on the kids for not having the balls to say "NO", set boundaries, but yell at the lucky to get away sibling.

We visit my INLAWS once per year, and while there, we do help. That is all we are willing to do. I also help my dad/stepmom caregive, we have full time jobs, we have a young child, and we also have a house of our own that needs cleaning, repairs, etc. So if we are selfish, so be it.

From reading this site - I become firmer in my determination to help, to help with caregiving, but to SET BOUNDARIES no matter who is screaming at me that I need to give up my life to do more. NOPE. My parents & Inlaw's refusal to change their lifestyle does not obligate me to give up mine to enable them.

Kimber166, you bring up some good points.

It seems as there is often at least one sibling who lets themselves be taken advantage of by the controlling elder. And then they are mad at the ones who are able to remove themselves from the situation.

This is why we had to say the almighty word no to my grandmother when she wanted to live with us. After her knee replacement and rehab, she started to get a whole lot more frail. She claims that she is eating enough and still doing her rehab stuff even though she isn't in rehab anymore. We just couldn't afford to remodel a first floor bathroom for her and many other things. We knew she would take over our lives with her demands. Fox News would be on 24 hours a day and hollering for us to do and buy things for her even though she has more than enough money to provide for herself. She has always been on the selfish side, she has gotten worse. Our aunt in Texas can't take care of her and why should we dump this on her. She is just finding her feet after she lost my uncle of 31 years. She's been told by everyone that it is up to her to make arrangements and whatever she needs to do. Is this slightly mean? Yes but the needs of one doesn't override the needs of the whole family. In the eyes of the law, she's competent as am I.

"She's been told by everyone that it is up to her to make arrangements and whatever she needs to do. " I've been thinking about this recently. I often make small talk with people at the pool I go to. If I bring up the issue of my mother, I usually get the response from other women that it's the daughter's job to take care of the mother. "Oh, I had to take care of Mama." Or they give me a strange look when I say that I do NOT want to take care of my mother. It's really ingrained in our society that the daughters have to do this.

So I hope that you aunt in Texas can remain strong, Evermore99, and not take her mother in.

CTTN55 - yes, there is a lot of societal pressure - especially if the family is large or everyone is in a small town. My BIL/SIL live in a small city & my inlaws have extensive family in the area - so the pressure on my BIL/SIL is immense. They would have the extended family on them like a ton of bricks if they say "no" on anything. My MIL/FIL are not shy about getting the extended family to make calls and judgements on their behalf. (I have received plenty of these).

My dad/stepmom live in a small rural area and my stepmom faces a lot of community and church disapproval because she wants a few hours a week respite. It would be OK if I were there for these few hours a week, but, to PAY the county to have someone come in - that is seen as heartless and cold to my house-bound dad. I go up for a weekend a month - and once when the Lutheran pastor came to give my dad communion I got an earful about how I need to be up more often, that I am a cold and selfish daughter. I asked the Lutheran pastor if he would cover my bills and take care of my son at his school so I could come? Because I did have a full time job and a child in school. No - that is not his responsibility.

I love the critics who don't offer to help. If all of these busy body relatives would help vs scolding my BIL/SIL - problem wouldn't be so bad!!!

It began almost 15 years ago, when my Dad died. My Dad made the ultimate sacrifice, he went into hospital and asked for an overdose of morphine to leave this world with as much dignity as possible. I was angry at first, I thought it was wrong. But after dealing with Mom for the past 15 years, and each year creating a more selfish, narcissistic and demanding creature, I realize the true sacrifice my Dad made and how much he loved us.
My mother and I have never had much in common, she has spent her life ridiculing and criticizing me when I didn't do what she wanted me to do for her. She tried to make me like her, fortunately I was a Contrary and much more like my father.
The past 4 months she has been completely bedridden, and has turned into a stranger who demands I give up my life to serve her needs. I have cried to her asking her to try and understand what she is doing to me, my family but she just looks at me without one drop of empathy and with what appears disgust that I am being weak.
She has a tone of voice that has no love or care in it. If I gag when I'm changing her diaper, she actually ridicules me for being "weak." "My God, are you really that weak?"
I vacillate between anger and determination to stand up for my life and my needs, to thinking that it is better to serve, better to help, and fearing I may become evil like her if I stop caring for her. Will she take my soul by destroying my life or will she take it by destroying my empathy?
I appreciate all the posts, they are helping me but I needed to vent. This might not be the last time I do. Thanks for creating this space...

so JessieBelle, you admit you did not read all of my post... enough said.. You were not there when I was growing up, and you do not know my mother. you sound like my sisters.. so let me ask you. I live 15 hours away by car, I am also 58 so hard to drive. I was just there, and they refuse to get professional help for her. Let me ask you what I ask them.. 1 what would you have me do? How often is often enough to call or visit?

Kimber166, does your bil and sil's extended family ever offer to help? If not, why not?

And regarding the Lutheran pastor who was so critical...well, why doesn't he enlist some of his flock to visit your father? I often read the suggestion to find a church whose members visit or do eldercare as part of their ministry (although I often wonder just how realistic this is; these are usually elder volunteers, and they aren't usually very effective at this kind of hands-on care).

The nerve of some people!

oh, and JessieBelle, just a quick aside.... I do not intend to disonnect from my mom.. I still call her, and I have never even MENTIONED one word of this situation to her. She is too old, and i'm sure if they are saying things to her, they have to deal with that themselves... I can tell, when my mother asks very pointed questions on my calls, but I have been away long enough to stay out of the drama.. sometimes the ":outsider" knows and understands more than the primary caretakers...my sisters really need to see the flip side of their accusations that I don't know what I'm talking about because i'm NOT THERE, or that I have no right to give any input, and all I want to do is "throw mom in an old-folks home and forget about her." Yes, those are the words they use when I suggested getting occupational therapy, taking mom outside away from the depressing 24/7 news television addiction she has, and getting her involved in a senior day program/ respite care with activities so they can have days off. Instead of ignoring my (and my family practice physician daughter's suggestions,phone numbers, and links to what she gives her patients, instead of accusing me of some nefarious intentions.. '

i apologize to the other readers.. i am sorry for getting off on a tangent.. i did not come here to argue.. i came here to find out what I can do, and to assuage the hard situation this is... in spite of what people might think, i am not the heartless child I have been accused of being. I hate seeing my mother continuing to waste away, when she could really be moving, and socializing more. she is depressed , addicted to television, inactive and atrophying, when she could be stimulated, encouraged and given the therapy she needs.

Some old sayings that I've come to love:

1. Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

2. 'No' is a complete sentence.

3. I was not put on this earth to be your servant.

4. I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed.

5. It is not how much you do but how much love you put into the doing.

NYDIL, I plan on using some , no wait, ALL OF THESE SAYINGS, on my FIL, and I thank you for sharing them!

fedup, I was not concerned at all if you helped in the care. You live too far away. The thing that bothered me was how you talked about your siblings. They are doing a job no one really wants to do. You made them sound like real losers in life. Maybe you should take a fresh look at them and get a new picture.

I do think the elderly have unrealistic demands on their children.
I've already told my children what I expect from them when my time comes. I want their love and respect but, not their lives. When the time comes where I need help, I want them to put me into assisted living or in some situation where I am cared for but, not living with them. I've been trying to " keep a record" of everything I go through with my mother in my head so I won't do the same to them. But, I think something happens to your brain when you get older and you can't help that behavior. So, I am figuring out now what we will do with me in similar situations to come so they won't feel guilt when those desisions have to be made.

great discussion.
How about in Laws that come to your house and stay for 3 months and expect all attention on them for 3 months, live like its their house, dont respect ur rules and then leave complaining that not enough was done for them?
selfish!!!!

Phew, I read all the comments and stories and must comment on them. I do agree that it is not fair to demand care from a family member, be it child or parents. How does the following story sound to you.
Single mother, no maintenance for 2 children, scraped and begged and lent money to finance their university education. Child 29 moved out (got married) when single mother moved to another state to earn more money and to pay off house debt and other debt. Daughter had no job, paid nothing towards board and lodging. Then son moved in, promised to pay rent instead of single mother having to rent out house that needed repairs. Son got married, now 6 years later no rent has been paid, single mother pays all utilities, repairs and managed to pay off house. Single mother is retired, gets small pension and building a little unit on top of the garage. Now daughter in law demands that single mother cede the house into son's name as "he" is afraid that daughter of single mother will demand 50% of house value on single mother's death. How do you reconcile this???? If son dies, or defaults single mother can be kicked out - so then where does she go??? Neither son nor daughter do anything for her.

The mother will need to write her own will and leave any possible assets to who she wants. The children and their spouses cannot write the will. The mother can leave everything to a charity if she chooses.

KuzakAged, well if I were you, I most definitely would NOT sign my home over to your Deadbeat Son and DIL, that's for sure! And Why doesn't She think your own Daughter shouldn't receive equal share in an inheritance after you are gone? If I were you, I would give your Son and his wife a 3 month notice to vacate, with the intent that you have plans to renovate/remodel your home, complete your garage conversion with the intention of renting it out to someone who in fact Pays Rent, so that you can supplement your retirement. It's high time they moved out and on with their own lives, and You aren't doing them any favors by allowing them to live there rent free, and it sounds like they aren't even helping you maintain your home in any way either, such as yard work, shopping, cooking or cleaning, and she EXPECTS You to give Them Your house, that you worked your entire life, single handedly for? Just Who does she think she is, expecting this of you? No Way, No How! Talk about selfish and entitled! Please don't continue being a doormat for kids who show no appreciation! You are still young, and have the best years of your life ahead of you. You've done your job raising your kids, but somewhere along the way you obviously spoiled them, which is OK, I spoiled mine too, just not to that extent. But they have lost respect for you, and the only way to get that back, is to make them get out of there and work at creating their own lives, and see how hard it really is, and maybe then they might come to appreciate all you've done for them thus far!

If you are old enough to get married, then you are old enough to work and provide for your spouse! Perhaps if they move on in their life, you might become more open and available to having a nice new relationship with someone new and exciting? Theres a whole new world out there just waiting for you to enjoy it, but it won't happen if you've got selfish 30 year olds living at home!

And if your Daughter stays on, and that is what you like and want, then tell your DIL to shove it whete the sun don't shine! Whoever told your kids that you OWE them a home to live in for the rest of their lives? I sure hope you did not! It's time for your well educated Birdies to Fly Away, and make a nest for themselves, away from yours!

KuzakAged, I'm so sorry, upon rereading your post, I realized that this may not be YOU, that you are referring to in your story, and I am sorry if I misunderstood the question you asked, but obviously it did ruffle my feathers! Lol!

Thanks staceyb - your advice is just what I was thinking but don't say. Glad your feathers were ruffled; now I know I am not the only one thinking that way. :)