Elder care-Demands by elderly can be selfish and unrealistic!

Kuzac, Good, so it's NOT YOU in the story you posted! Whew!

I was just thinking how selfish my mom seems to have gotten as she aged. I then saw this discussion, so I know I'm not going crazy.

At Mom's now, losing my mind. I'm working remotely today. I've been here since Monday, and it's taxing. She's 90, but is in good shape except she's not as mobile as she once was. Her hearing is gone, but she won't be tested - it's just ringing in the ears and that can't be helped or "I've probably got a lot of ear wax built up again". She's also lost some dexterity in her fingers, but will not go to a doctor. Nope. If I feel badly, she tells me to get to a doctor immediately (as in an ORDER). I, of course, don't go.

Anyhow, I live 4 hours away, with a good drive - no construction, weather is good, etc. She wants me here every other weekend. No. One sibling is local and he stays away as much as he can; runs errands and carts her around town. He doesn't stay here long. I get it. But because I'm the "girl", she has me doing all the manual labor. It's November and cold, yet I was out Tuesday doing yardwork (that didn't need to be done). I did everything for Thanksgiving dinner and all other meals - she just sits in her chair and treats me like the maid. I thought Thanksgiving went ok, but no. My brother got a new cell phone. She'd already asked me why I had to have such a fancy one. Well, not your business. I'd tried to get her started with a simple tablet and she didn't like it one bit. She thinks a smartphone would be easier. I told her it's the same. No it's not. No keyboard to type on - well how do people text, send emails on phones. Nope. I give up. I said then go to a cell phone store and get one (silently thinking yeah that won't happen, but I'm NOT buying you one). It'd be like every other gadget she's bought and never used. Well, we had a nice dinner, then she fell asleep in her chair after dinner, sibling left to go home. Watching some stupid Christmas special she chose to watch (then promptly fall asleep). Just as it was getting interesting, she turned the tv off. Dead silence. She grabbed her prayer book and I hear her whispering the prayers (I guess for my hapless soul - I'm just no daughter of hers!). Then she starts crying, got up, goes to her bedroom and slams the door. Later she came out as I was still cleaning up the kitchen, b*tching about how she doesn't want any presents if she can't get what she wants. And I'd said there were cheaper ways of getting online other than a smartphone. She took that to mean I meant she couldn't afford it - I can afford it more than YOU,. Angry and unreasonable. All night she was playing tv in her room LOUD. Now we have radio on LOUD. She knows I'm trying to work, but as I've been told, I don't really work, just "punch keys" which isn't work. I work as a Business Analyst, so I'm not just data entry, but to her - she doesn't know what I do - her friend asked her and she did not know. Her friend was mortified, then asked me to explain it and asked questions. Mom felt no shame; she actually said she wasn't interested, so what? But I am to hang on every word every little tidbit (who put out the garbage can when and where....??).
I'm working up in her loft and haven't said word one to her all day, nor she to me. She's expecting me to put up her Christmas tree and all decorations. If I make one comment, oh I'm just useless, I don't like Christmas. No, I don't like being criticized at every move as I try to do stuff for you. Oh, you're so perfect you can't take any criticism. I can, but it's endless, and it's over minute things that do not matter. She even said I couldn't cook after I made the entire meal yesterday, and all her other meals. I will never come back here for this long of a stay again. I think I'm at a 2 day maximum.
If I even ask or say something, I get well this is MY house. Sure it is. But a good host (hah) would be just a little accommodating. Just a little. It's gotten to the point, I don't know how to make a bed, I don't know how to put up her hair in rollers correctly, I don't know how to park the car in her garage correctly, basically I can't do squat correctly. I'm just being too sensitive. I'm being "funny". We eat what she wants. We got sandwiches this week (carry out) and I decided I didn't want any sauce/condiments on mine. Whyyyyy? Since when???? Why did you get packets of sauce? I got them for you. Why don't you want it? Why? What's wrong with you? You're just being "funny". You're no daughter of mine. What will we do with the leftovers? I put them in a bag and said I'll distribute in the office (probably trash bound). I bought 6 donuts for her as she always complains she never gets any. Why did you bring those? Back into my car they went - also trash bound. Anything I do is wrong. Thanks for letting me vent.

So, why do you subject yourself to this treatment? Why don't you step away and allow her to arrange her own care?

She's verbally abusive. She's possibly mentally ill. If you are feeling that you have an obligation to her, then call an agency to do the yardwork, the housekeeping, the errands ON HER DIME. Visit once a year for an hour. Send a card once a month.

Sissisu, sometimes I think our mothers are clones. I wonder if someone up there is manufacturing Stepford-mothers-from-heck. My mother does exactly the same things as yours. I spend a lot of time getting irritated or rolling my eyes. The only thing I can figure is that no matter how bad things get, they need to have the feeling that they're on top. Sometimes it is a bit funny. I did most of the Thanksgiving feast again this year. The rest of the family also brought some dishes. Mom just sat in her chair as things went on about her. Today I overheard her talking to the neighbor about the meal. She said she didn't know what we would ever do without her. Still laughing about that one.

We are retired & in our 60's We have 2 mothers that demand our attention. No fun retirement for us after working 40 years. His mom is 92, wants to stay in her home, wants hubby to keep it up, pay her bills, cater to her every whim, she cares nothing about our lives. She's wealthy enough to live anywhere she wants or hire help but she won't. She calls constantly whining & if she doesn't get her way, crying. Even when she was young, she was hateful & selfish. Then there's mine. She never had anything to do with her grandchildren, then complains that they don't come see her. She never visited me after I was grown, was always into hubby, their lives, when hubby #3 died, I tried to keep her but after 3 months, just couldn't make her happy so put her in assisted living. I go a few times a week & do "her list". Give her a shower & wash her hair because she doesn't want the people who work there to do it, pay her bills, heck, my brother a few years younger than me has never lifted a finger. He up & moved to a different state after her husband passed. He's not seen her in 4 years except once at my house on thanksgiving. My husband & I are prisoners of these selfish women. We thought our retirement would be traveling, spending time together, doing things with our grandchildren. After working 40 years, this is it We are exhausted

Dorothy5409 - I totally relate to what you said. What seems to have happened over time in Western societies is that the whole idea of the family as being the basic social unit, with members taking care of each other and contributing time and energy and even money for one another's benefit, has evaporated, except for one piece. That one piece is the provision of care to elderly family members by their adult children. There is no longer much if any expectation that grandparents will take an interest in grandchildren or that older adults will help the younger generation along financially, or leave an inheritance. People who have supported themselves since their teen years, paid for their own education, raised their kids without any help from family, and provided for their own later years are suddenly yanked back into the "family" fold and presented with a list of their obligations and responsibilities when the older generation starts needing help.

One of the most distressing aspects of having spent the last 6 years taking care of my mother's needs is that I know there will be nobody to do it for me when my time comes. We don't have a society where siblings automatically taken each other in if they are widowed or impoverished, or nieces and nephews feel responsible for their elders' care. Not that I'd want to be in that society necessarily - I would just like some equality and reciprocity in the way burdens and benefits are allocated. I won't be getting the family farm or business when my mother dies - there is no farm or business. My siblings would never dream of compensating me for the sacrifices I've had to make for our parent. They're just glad it isn't them. Many of us here are sacrificing our retirement years to care for parents who never had to take care of their own parents and who lived 20 or 30 years in their own retirements playing golf and doing what they pleased. It's very aggravating and continues to feel extremely unfair.

Expectations of Elderly Parents - My parents made no secret of the fact that they expected my sister or I to give up our lives to look after them, the comment was made 'It is payback time'. Even before they required care, they were oppressive, demanding and selfish, they have the means to pay for good care, either at home or in a residential facility but they insist on having the minimum of outside paid help and trying to manipulate and control us to spend as much time as possible with them and look after their every need. This has driven me further away from them and indeed caused me to feel resentful, overwhelmed and frustrated towards their situation. I pray about their situation and trust that God will not place upon me a burden that I can not bear, several lovely people have given help and support to my parents, some of them are paid carers, they are like angels to me. To live with elderly parents and care for their every need is an incredible thing for anyone to do, invariably at huge cost, both personal and physical to the carer; I believe there needs to be a very close bond of love and respect for such an arrangement to work well, a trusting and loving relationship that has been forged over many years if not a lifetime. If such an arrangement is undertaken due to money concerns (and for many, retaining an inheritance rather than paying care fees is a significant factor), guilt and emotional 'backmail' then I believe it is a recipe for disaster. My parents never planned in any way for their old age, they retired early, were never burdened by long term care commitments for their own parents and they spent around 20 years going on exotic holidays and cruises and enjoying themselves. They were always included in our lives and we pandered to their superficial pleasures by spending time with them, invariably this involved eating and drinking excessively and going on holiday with them and arranging special occasions for their birthdays and anniversaries. Their situation is not pleasant now, it gives me no pleasure to see them totally devoid of faith and hope for the future but I can not help but believe that they are reaping what they have sown.

For all I have said above, in my last post, I dearly want to feel and show love and compassion to my parents, I want to help them to have a genuine hope and belief in God for the future, if it be God's will, I want to do what I can. I want to see them in peace, despite their circumstances and not clinging desperately to this world and what others can do for them.

Sissisu - you put up with this for 2 days or more? I had to swtich to more like 2 hours at a time! Don't give them time to even really get into it! You are not losing your mind, Mom has lost hers, or at least lost any perspective about what really matters. This "no daughter of mine" bit sounds like some kind of automatic thing that just pops out of her mouth though it's got to hurt to hear it so often.

Wow, really glad to found this thread. It's good to be brought back to reality. I have two parents in a retirement home. Dad has Alzheimer's and mom Dementia, both are 90. I have recently learned that my Mom is a full blown narcissist. I always knew she was self centered, but with the dementia she's unable to keep her false self in tact. She was always verbally abusive to me, and as a result I stayed away from her most of my life. I left home when I was 15. I didn't have kids because I didn't like the way my family was, and I didn't want another child coming into this world and being exposed to the dysfunctional unit. I did have a couple of step children in my life though, and my mother used to make a big point of telling me she didn't want them in her home because they weren't blood relatives. On Thankgivings she would say something like "why don't you drop the kid off at a babysitter, and come have dinner with us?"

So here we are, I'm now 60, and am in charge of taking care of my parents. Being an only child, I'm feeling very conflicted, because I feel as if I have a moral obligation to take care of them, though I also don't discount the fact that I don't want to give up what may be the best years of my own life.

Today I was seriously contemplating buying them tickets to Los Angeles, and calling the University they left all their assets to, and asking them to deal with my parents. Course universities want the money, and not the responsibility. But I now have an invisable sibling to deal with. It's the sibling that could potentially hold me financially liable for any financial decisions I make on their behalf. Since I don't hold any power of attorney (my mother doesn't trust me), I cannot take care of things like making sure the minimum withdrawals are made from their Ira's each year. I can't follow up on the money held in a foreign bank account that needs the Fatca reporting, half of which will be forfeited as a penalty. God forbid they have a credit card compromised, I won't be able to get that shut down either.

I was told by the doctors that I needed to become a legal guardian for them. But in order for this to happen, I had to pay an attorney $12,000 to file the petition, and then, to add insult to injury, I would have to travel back to their home (a 14 hour flight) and inventory everything they owned, all for the benefit of the university that will eventually inherit this stuff.

So on top of being an unpaid caretaker for my ungrateful mother, I would get to be an unpaid caretaker for the university's future assets. No way that's happening.

The notion that an elder can stay at home through Alzheimer's and pass away peacefully surrounded by loved ones, can only be likened to a romantic novel. In some cases it may happen like that but it won't be in my family.

If there's one thing that we have learned is that our generation will have no familiar caretakers available, and with what I've seen I would not want to place that burden on anyone. We are solely responsible for planning our futures, and each of us need more than a will or a trust. We need a plan of action, so that our loved ones will not be burdened with our care should we become unable to care for ourselves.

mterpin - "Today I was seriously contemplating buying them tickets to Los Angeles, and calling the University they left all their assets to, and asking them to deal with my parents. Course universities want the money, and not the responsibility. " WOW. So why even consider becoming their legal guardian, if you won't get any of their assets?

Mterpin - I had the same reaction as CTTN55. You should definitely not pay out of pocket for the "privilege" of taking care of your parents or becoming their guardian. Any costs should come out of their assets. Personally, I would not assume any responsibility without pay for parents who have assets and who plan to leave those assets to a charity. If your parents have assets, you should be paid for any duties you perform. You should definitely not be paying any of their expenses (or expenses incurred in seeking or carrying out the responsibilities of their guardianship) out of pocket. JMI.

Your dad has Alzheimer's and mother dementia and they no longer are capable of giving you durable power of attorney. And I do not believe that you owe them becoming their guardian, and certainly not at a financial cost of $12,000 to you. It may actually be financially more advantageous for you to step back and let them become wards of the state and let a nursing home care for them because the state and medical institution have a lot more power to reclaim assets from the university than do you.

I am 72 years old lacking mobility.I have 4 children that live in a 20 mile radius. In the beginning of my health problems, I thought they wo uld rally around me. I brought them up to be independent. That, they are. I put in place Home Health Aides for 5 days a week. They do my shopping, laundry and light cleaning. When my adult children come to visit.. it should be just that, a visit. I cook dinner for my oldest once a week, I see my youngest at least 2 x a week. My daughter is very busy so I talk to her on the phone to and from her office. My other son is the wayward one. I have to call him once a month and say "time to visit Mom for an hour." Within the next 2 days I see him. Having 3 boys and an exec for a daughter, I knew I would be on my own. Three years ago, I started off with someone coming in just to do laundry, then increased it to shopping. In total I only have someone 12 hours a week. More than enough if you are capable of cooking. If not, I would have an aide do it.
My kids have no complaints as they help defer the cost of having the help. Every state, no matter income, has Home health aides for the elderly. The grandchildren help out doing the deep cleaning. I pay them. Be creative instead of building resentment. Trust me, I "thought" they would take care of me.
Doctor's appointments, taking me shopping, pick me up at the hairdressers and all the rest. They were getting resentful. I did some research, cut down on my expenses, they divided the remainder of $$ by 4. I do not have dementia (yet). Have given my OK, put me in a nursing home if I am that bad. As I get older things will get tougher but it will be gradual or sudden. Who knows. Thanks for letting me read some of the problems of taking care of us elderly folks. It's a discussion for your 50s not your 70s.

I have now been in the caregiver role for several years. I know I am doing this for the right reasons, yet certain days I have tremendous resentment towards my lazy father. He seems to have really embraced the role of being the patient. He somehow easily forgets I am not his servant. The worst part is we have never had a great father son relationship in the past, and now being stuck in this caregiver prison makes me feel like he once again has me right where he wants me. He took away my adolescence by forcing me to work at a young age, and now he’s taken more years away from me as his caregiver. I have no brothers, sisters, aunts or uncles to help or support me. I am glad to have happened across this site. I’ts nice to know I’m not alone in this difficult time in my life. I really just want my life back... I didn’t sign up for this. It seems to be so unfair that he didn’t plan for his future better. And expects so much from me.

I totally get your line 'embracing his role of being the patient". My father no longer happy being is assisted living because it does not generate the attention that he wants. He is happiest in a hospital bed.

Belladora, you are a great mom and thoughtful grandma.

I am new here. My parents are 88 and 86. My mom has mild Alzheimer's and my dad is house bound. The only time my mom gets out is when my siblings or myself take her out. She is in need of more help but my father refuses . He has become very self centered and has lost the ability to understand that others have lives. Since I live the closest he will call and tell me my mom is driving him nuts and he wants me to get her out the house. It doesn't matter that I just want the day to relax or that I am visiting tomorrow. I don't give in and run over since it isn't an emergency, but then my whole day is ruined because of it. But I wont enable this. My brother lives with them but he runs a business and he doesn't believe that dad should be forced against his will to accept help. But when he goes to work, I get the call to drop everything. My other sibling is 40 minutes away so she gets away with not dropping everything and coming over. My father is of the belief that daughters take care of parents and I am supposed to put their situation first and if he calls, I run. I don't do this and I feel it does create tension since my brother is with my father on this, instead of uniting with my sister and I in getting my mom some support. also, my dad hasn't seen a dr. in 6 months and my brother tries convince him to go but he refuses. I believe that this is non negotiable but since we are all divided on this, my father continues to do things his way. We are still in the "dad is the authority figure" mode in my family. Any suggestions? Thanks so much.

I hit the jackpot with THREE totally selfish elderly parents. My parents divorced when I was very young and my father abandoned us. He didn't pay child support. He very rarely visited us. He wasn't interested in his kids until they were adults and self-sufficient. My Mom became bitter as she struggled to keep us fed, clothed and with a roof over our heads. She remarried, and we loved our stepfather because he at least supported us. As happy as we were to finally have some semblance of a stable family, neither he nor my mother were engaged in their children's lives; we never had family vacations, though they traveled quite a bit. They said that vacations weren't vacations if their children came along. When they would eat steak for dinner we'd be served hamburger because steak isn't for teenagers. They didn't come to our sports events or school activities. We really had to raise ourselves. Needless to say, my siblings failed at the task and resorted to drugs and alcohol. Of five children (siblings, half-siblings, step-siblings), four are drug addicts or alcoholics. I only wish I were! Fast forward many decades. Those siblings who are still alive have zero contact with any of the parents. I moved hundreds of miles to be closer to them, but couldn't buy a house in their city due to rampant inflation, so I'm as close as I can get in a place I can afford. Every time my mother or stepfather need anything, I have to drive several hours. My father became incapacitated and penniless leaving me to find him a nursing home, clean up his financial messes and unravel the mess he'd made of his life. My mother resented that I didn't let him die, starving on the street. Instead of feeling badly that I was left with his problems, my mother was resentful that I took care of them. He died recently and she was angry that I paid for his final arrangements. Now, she's very sick and requires assistance, my stepfather has become a full-fledged drunk who passes out early in the day, and they can't manage living on their own. But if I suggest an alternative -- such as moving closer to me and living in an easier environment -- they go hysterical and claim that all I want is their money. They have provided me with no power of attorney, they have no will, and no desire to make things a bit simpler for me. I'm ready for a nervous breakdown but can't have one as I juggle my job and caring for them. Fortunately, my husband helps and is very supportive. My parents generation are the most spoiled people who ever lived on this planet. They didn't care for their own parents, but they expect their children to give up everything they've struggled to earn to care for them. Whatever you do for them, it's not appreciated. As a matter of fact, they're heaping abuse on you while you're helping them. To be honest, I've grown to hate them. They were terrible parents when they were young, and they're despicable people now. They care only about themselves and will not lift a finger to make life easier for people who are trying to do the right thing. Eventually they will die and I'll have an enormous mess to clean up. At this point, I don't even want to bother. I feel like walking away from it all and leaving it to my drunken, drug-addled siblings who don't even send a birthday card or call my parents to see how they are (and they haven't for many years). My "golden years" are being destroyed by the same people who gave me a horrible childhood. It's what I should have expected from people who never showed a shred of concern for me throughout my life. The only thing that will save me from my emotional imprisonment is their death.

Worstparents - just walk away. You don't owe them anything - they will figure it out.

Worstparents: No, the only thing that will save you is for you to live your own life. I agree with Kimber166, you don't owe them anything.

I'd ask you to answer to yourself--in your heart of hearts--why are you doing this for them at such an extreme expense, on so many levels, to yourself? Why? (It's not for us on the Internet to know your answer unless you choose, but at least mull it over and answer yourself honestly.)

I think that the most selfish thing an elderly person does is "say I don't want to be a burden." Then they do everything in their power to restrict access to their finances, medical history and so on. This is what I am dealing with. He does not want to provide anything but expects me to either take care of him or watch him lead himself into destruction.
You are being a burden if:
you hide all of your important documents because you don't want someone to 'know your business'.
you hide any significant medical condition because you don't want some to 'worry' about you.
you decide to not appoint someone in your family a POA
you decide to not have a will or trust in case you die.

All of these things make you a burden.

I'm so glad I found this blog too. My mother is so demanding. I just don't know her as my mother anymore. In the past 18 months she has had every appliance in her kitchen replaced and a new TV. I have arranged to take her to buy it and arranged delivery. She is always ill and goes to the Doctor's surgery at least twice a week. She says she doesn't have long left and wants to die. There is nothing medically wrong with her. She lives 10 miles from me and expects me to see her two or three times a week. I honestly dread seeing her. There is always a problem. I just feel stressed and guilty all the time. My brother doesn't get involved at all. I just wish I could run away. She won't go in a residential nursing home and says she don't know what she would do without me. The burden is overwhelming. I'm grateful that others here feel the same.

She really doesn't know what she would do without you? Well, you could take a vacation, just down tools, and she will be able to find out. You really cannot fix old age and its attendant problems. But you can start to set boundaries and leave the elder to figure out how they are going to manage going forward. After all if they expect to be treated as independent adults, they have to do the work of planning, at least, how they are going to manage their daily lives. Don't ever let anyone "put you in charge" of their happiness - impossible task.

I have an old mother who, for reasons of health and personal comfort, moved to Florida at age 80. She is now 84 and very disabled.
I live in NYC and have been here 40 years. I was raised in this area. Before moving, my mother had a 2BR coop apartment nearby and she sold it when she moved to Florida. I told her that I would not be able to go to Florida where she lives in an efficiency apartment in a senior residence. I am barely making a living and cannot afford the money for travel and accommodations. I can’t actually afford to take the time to go there as I am just keeping things together here myself.
I begged my mother not to leave. Begged her! I found her a senior living residence right around the corner from me. She would not move there. She wanted to go to Florida. Down there we have no family. She has made many nice friends and has been on 2 cruises, one to Europe, since she has been there.
I am happy that she is content with her life there but I get constant pressure to go down there to see her from her and my more affluent relatives.
So - they can go see her. I miss her but I am not going to derail my own life so she can live out her dream of family unity 1,000 miles away from from her entire family. It is unrealistic.
I agree with the other posters. If you expect your children to help you in any way when you get older, make it easier for them by staying close by. Otherwise - you may be on your own.

Kidnumber2, ah yes the Snow Birds who all wanted to move to Florida from New York State. That age group, that was a major goal for so many who wanted to get away from the northeastern winters. Your Mom was just following the lead Bird.

For us, the grown child, traveling today isn't as easy as it use to be. I use to love to fly, but now one has to get to the airport 2 hours earlier even if the flight itself is only 45 minutes. I would be exhausted before I even buckled the seat-belt on the airplane. Forget driving, I am the elderly person who is driving 20 miles in the left land because I need to make a turn later down the road :P

FF, cool bumper sticker I saw....

WHEN I RETIRE IM GOING TO DRIVE 30 IN THE LEFT LANE WITH MY RIGHT BLINKER ON

In an answer to Ellen’s question, I had an elderly Grandmother who was very independent and had always been extremely kind to me. She was a very spiritual and practical person.
She resided in the same apartment for about 35 years (until she passed away.) While she was able to she went to church, played cards, visited the senior center, visited family. She was not a demanding woman. My mother set her up with meals on wheels when she was about 90 (she lived until 95) so she would not have to worry about food shopping and meal preparation. That was a Godsend. Every day someone would knock on her door, deliver her a hot meal and be able to “check” that she was okay. She kept a regular schedule. She also hired someone to help her every few weeks to do heavy cleaning in her apartment towards the end of her life. This woman was basically blessed with good health, but she also had common sense. She visited when she was invited and was not demanding about people “serving” her. What I did for her I always did out of love and respect. She bathed and dressed neatly. She lived very simply toward the end of her life.
I am single and never rich. She lived about 45 minutes away from me. She had many grandchildren and nieces and nephews. I spoke to her on the phone once a week (at length) and visited with her once a month. On those occasions I helped her with little things around her apartment, shopping chores and we usually ate together - Chinese food or some other take out. Nothing fussy.
In the last 2 years of her life she was hospitalized briefly. The hospital was not too far away and I visited her there every day. This was not too easy on me, but I knew she would not live forever and I did not want to leave her in that place alone. By then my other siblings and her children had all moved far away, so could not make the “instant” trip to the hospital. They did, however, visit her at home from time to time.
She lived a full life, travelled around the world, had a good career and marriage (my grandfather predeceased her by 20 years) and was grateful for all her blessings. She also had a spare room in her apartment so many family members from out of town could stay there if they wanted to. To me, she set a perfect example of aging gracefully. Instead of moving all over the place and trying to get everyone to accommodate her wishes, she recognized the fact that her family members had responsibilities and lives of their own. She had many visitors later in life, but was content with her own company rather than insisting that people drop everything to amuse her every day. She was one of my best friends and not a burden to me at all. She lived in a natural way. I cannot understand people running away in their old age, or expecting everyone to wait on them hand and foot.
As I said, I live alone and am not rich. I don’t expect anyone to drop everything to amuse me or take care of me. And no one does. It is unrealistic to expect another person to sacrifice their own personal welfare and well being to satisfy your own wishes. If I really need help, I ask. Otherwise I try to rely on myself. And, conversely, if I am able to give help, I do so as I am able, without destroying my own personal wellbeing. This is the natural way to do things.
It seems some people have lost sight of basic human values and realities.
I do believe that those who live a good life and care for those around them have loving care in the end of their life. With people living so long, it is unrealistic to expect the younger generation to travel, interrupt their careers and family life to take care of older relatives. There are many activities seniors can get themselves involved with and truly if they are loving and considerate family members, someone will be there to help them in the end.

Kidnumber2

I just found this forum last night and have been awake almost all night reading all of the 18 pages of comments. This forum has been a Godsend to me at this point in my life and I thank every one for all the validation. There is much more I would like to share about the difficulties I am currently experiencing with my own Mom but for this first time, let me suffice to say that what you have just posted about your 90-yr Grandmother is exactly the kind of person I plan and hope to be as I age. Thank you so much for sharing part of your and your Grandmother's story.

I really am thankful for this blog and everyone’s posts. As our fathers passed, my husband and I moved each of our mothers over 1,000 miles to be near us so they would be near family and we could help them to learn to live on their own. Both of our fathers did everything for our mothers while they were alive. Neither mother knew the simplist of daily living tasks. We even put houses on our property for each after their houses sold (which my husband and I had to do for them). My MIL came here 14 years ago and basically made my husbands life a total misery. His sister who lives in another state thought the way their mother was acting was “cute”. She didn’t have to deal with her behavior at all. Over the past several years MIL has dimentia and its to the point that we worry she cannot take care of herself sufficiently. Neither my husband or myself ever had “total caregiving” in mind when it came to our mothers. We just had an expectation that they could care for themselves all of their lives, just as their mothers (our grandmothers) did. We were so wrong. After about a year of insisting that the SIL fly over to help with her mother at least 2 or 3 times a year, SIL has procured a nursing home in the town she lives in for her mother. We move her there at the end of the month. I don’t even know how to get my head around all of her stress and anxiety dumped on us for so many years is now ending. Maybe we should have put her in a home long ago but I just never considered this. Both my husband and myself were caught in the parental / child obligation hoax. That brings me to my Mom, who we moved here 7 years ago. Again I had to teach her how to do everything from using a debit card to filling her gas tank. She grudgingly uses the debit card but refuses to put gas in her car. This was something my dad always did, she will tell me. She is a hypochondriac and hs developed some pretty nasty narcissistic behaviors since we moved her here. I encourage her to take herself to the store for groceries (she does drive)(begrudgingly). I take her garbage out when needed and try to keep up with household repairs. I had been racing home from work to make a hasty dinner so I could go to visit her every day but I had to cut this back to only Wednesday evening and on Saturday and Sunday. She is still having a fit over this. I’m 62 years old and I still work full time. She thinks that I should quit my job, leave my husband (who she’s ever liked) and move in with her to take care of her. Why do our parents become these impossible people when they age? I’m an only child so all of my moms stuff is on me. Worst part of all of this is that when we moved her here I tried many times to get her involved with our local Senior Center so she could meet people and have services that could greatly benefit her. Every time I bring it up she yells that she moved here to be with me, notcwith the Senior Center. Then she cries and complains that she has no one to keep her company. I give up.