Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

197 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
3 4 5 6 7
Believe me, I am very careful. I know if I get hurt that isn't going to help my mother. I have a lot of chores but so far mom is able to maneuver safely in the bathroom with assistance from me but NO LIFTING just balance assistance. I even discussed with her what she and I should do if she did start to fall. How to make a "soft" landing with no one getting hurt.I really do assess everyday the physical toll on me because I don't want to be in denial about my abilities because denial will get me hurt.
(1)
Report
Timbuktu, if you've had neck and back surgery - and have metal plates and screws there - and you are a senior yourself - why in God's name are you doing all that stuff for your mother. You are making exactly the same mistakes i made for nine years - submitting to and serving my extremely selfish mother to the extent i was doing stuff my neurosurgeon forbad me to do. And if you keep this up, you will end up like me - permanently on a walking frame - or worse still paralyzed from the neck down like one of my friends girlfriends - she was forced to be her mother's slave in spite of her history of neck laminectomy. She ended up fracturing her neck which rendered her paralyzed. And she died. Please do not make the same mistakes.

Do whatever it takes to force your family doctor to have your mother hospitalized and placed into permanent care - even if it means committing a crime so you can go to jail. Do anything rather than damage your own back and neck and life. I would rather see you in jail than paralyzed or dead.
(2)
Report
My mother still looks at me as if I were a teenager when it come to "doing" things for her. I constantly remind her that these "projects" she wants done,when she says "we" she really means ME and I am worn out, 2 back surgeries(neck and lower back,I have a metal plate and 2 screws in my neck) gained 50lb.after I started the antidepressants and antianxiety meds after she moved in with me.She actually dared to comment(mom does not have dementia,just mobility issues from osteoarthritis) that she thought I was lying in bed to much.Really,how did all that laundry get done and put up,floors vacuumed,garbage gathered up and put out,her meds put out, her fed, her bedsidecommode cleaned,cleaning up after her 2 little dogs ,etc so on and so forth.I am doing better about stating " I can't possibly do that" and not having to justify it as she attempts to interrogate me as to why I am " defying" her. I am a senior (56 and closer to 57) taking care of a senior(79).I refuse to allow her to "guilt" me into anything that would be harmful to me or to her.
(3)
Report
It is very frustrating. My parents act like I have no life, no job, no responsibilities and should be there for them 24/7. Even when I'm not well or just dog tired, I get oh you're young you'll be fine. I also find they have developed more of an entitlement mindset. They expect me to routinely pay for groceries, meds, bills and other things without a quibble. It infuriates me to no end. I told them the bank of treasury is not in my back yard and you have the means to do this yourself, so no don't expect me to pick it up every time because you won't get it. I feel bad sometimes and hate to sound mean, but I resent it deeply and angers me. Just the other day after the caregiver left, not even five minutes, they call and say can you bring some food. I lost it and asked why didn't you have her get it for you. No, I'm not driving 30 minutes over there when she was there and offered to take you or get it for you. They had food and were fine.

It's so true, age is not always an indication of maturity or wisdom. I just pray if I get to that age or even as I get older that I'm mindful of this. It is a mental battle like no other to contend with daily.
(5)
Report
Jazzyfox - I don't know about scientific studies, but my therapist tells me it's very much the norm for people to become more self-focused as they age, and for other people's needs and wants to become much smaller (as JessieBelle said) in their minds. It certainly cuts against the idea that elderly people should be honored and respected for their "wisdom."
(3)
Report
My mother had the absurd notion that she would just "get somebody" to "stay" at her house for her and basically she believed she would just continue to live how she wanted.So that turned into she lives with me, I do the best I can,try not to blame myself because she has osteoarthritis(severe),meet all her needs, try to meet all her "needs"(wants).
(1)
Report
I would tend to agree with the thoughtless idea. My other sibling tried to get a cleaning service into the house on a regular basis, but my father resented it. The only people he'll allow to do any kind of "house" stuff are family members.
I seem to be the designated caregiver who is expected to juggle my schedule to meet their demands.
I wonder have there been any studies which would prove the elderly become more selfish with age?
(2)
Report
I agree entirely with CarlaCB - well said. Could not have put it any better ! Thanks.
(4)
Report
One thing we all need to remember is that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. I know I am not and I had related that fact to my parents some years ago that if they find they need a level of care higher than they can manage for themselves, in their best interest is to hire from a professional agency. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm

I know my limitations, I am a senior myself, and I have my own age decline. Sorry, I cannot maintain two large households. Yet my Mom is of that generation where she won't let anyone in the house to help, because it is her job to be the homemaker even at 97 years old [clear mind]. How I would love to get a cleaning service into my parents house.... but it's not happening. Mom is just so unrealistic.
(3)
Report
Unfortunately, kathyt1, many of us don't have the luxury of either doing it with joy or not doing it. Lots of us are helping parents because they need help and nobody else is willing to deal with them. Many elderly parents are selfish and demanding (as this whole thread attests) to the point where it's just not possible to find any joy in helping them. As for the snarky comment about looking in the mirror, there's a quote from Oscar Wilde that I like to bear in mind: "Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." That well describes the elderly parents we're talking about here.
(6)
Report
ToKevinKevin
I do not know what your economic circumstance is or your proximity to your father's health care facility is. If he is on death's doorstep it would seem natural to spend as much time with him as possible so he will not die alone. However if he may linger for some time and he is receiving good treatment, there is no reason for you to drop everything all the the time to be there. Do you live nearby? Are you retired? These are all important questions. If you are not retired and/or live far away, it is not good to stress yourself out keeping a vigil. If you are inclined to spend time with the man because you have deep affection for him and you are retired and alone, that is one thing. Realize that he will not live forever (and neither will you) and let your own conscience be your guide. A frank discussion with the attending physician and the social worker at the healthcare facility might also be helpful.

Good luck Kevin!!
(1)
Report
I was watchin a video on caring for the caregivers that was recommended here on the group. It is pretty good, but one thing made me wonder if I was on the right planet. The speaker talked about how people do not want to be a burden to their family. What??? From personal experience I can say that my mother never had any qualms about asking me to come home. She said they needed me and were going to die soon. The first time she said it was 15-20 years ago. I can honestly say that my mother has always been more concerned with her comfort and care than for her daughter's life. She even wanted me to leave my job and husband so I could come take care of them. She was in her early 70s then.

I don't know if it is selfish as much as it is thoughtless. It is like personal concerns are so big that other people's lives become small when compared to the concerns. I think it is caused by a narrowing view of life, so that only their own concerns are seen anymore. It is easy to use other people if we get too big and they get too small. (Hope that made sense.)
(6)
Report
Adult children are not selfish for not wanting to give up their lives. The elderly parents are the selfish ones - they had their lives, did everything they wanted to do, but they don't want their children to enjoy the same privileges. And then the selfish elderly parents wonder why you see so many stories on TV and in the paper about adult children killing their parents. Sorry, one can only put up with so much before they snap. And have you stopped to think - these selfish elderly parents are guilty of murder forcing their kids to be their sole carer - in most cases, it is the adult child with a disability or medical condition who is forced to be their parents sole carer.
(4)
Report
I just want to add that it is a form of domestic violence - elderly parents forcing their adult children to give up their jobs and lives to be their sole carer. And when doctors and aged care services allow this to happen, they are guilty of assisting with the domestic violence.
(3)
Report
Thanks for your advice
(0)
Report
Do it with joy, or don't do it. Never heard such drivel in my life. You want selfish look in the mirror.
(0)
Report
My father is in a rehabilitation hospital due to a devastating illness causing him to be very well. Hardly can walk. He is 93 and therapist say there is not much else they can due for Dad. Dad has dementia which very much worsened while he was hospitalized and its àffecting any chance at rehab. My sister's relationship is abnormal with my dad & dotes on his every need. She now expects my brother and me along with her to take shifts being with Dad 24 hrs a day while he's in rehab. Is there something wrong with her? If we don't help as she planned,
she gets resentful and miserable.
(1)
Report
Hi CarlaCB
My Mom is 82, has had many falls and injuries and uses a walker. This ALL before she decided to move to Florida. She had also suffered a stroke. I do not think it is a picnic there for her, but she could not be persuaded to stay here. None of us is retired as I said. Our plan (and hers) is that when she becomes too feeble she will move back to the Northeast where the majority of her children reside.
I got her on a short waiting list (6 months) in a senior residence 3 minutes walk from my home. She refused to go.
So she is in Florida. She will stay there until she decides to return. I cannot turn my life upside down for her. There is just so far one can go. I do not drive, I work up here, I am single with not a lot of money and retirement is 10 years away for me.
She'll be fine and I'll be destitute. As I mentioned in another post, if the parent really needs to have a family to lean on, don't move 1,000 miles away.
(1)
Report
It's interesting to hear what you say, Kidnumber2. My mother did exactly the same thing. Moved to a retirement community in Florida, had lots of friends and social activities. We were all in the northeast, where we were raised. That lasted almost 20 years. Then she started having mobility and balance problems. She started falling a lot. She needed a cane, then a walker. Even with the walker, she can only walk 20-30 steps at best, and she still falls occasionally.

About 5 years ago I decided that Mom needed at least one of us nearby in case of emergencies and to do any chores she couldn't safely do, like anything involving getting on a ladder. Almost immediately upon my arrival, Mom gave up driving by herself, and roped me into being almost her full-time chauffeur and household help. I quickly got overwhelmed, and a year later we both moved to the town about 2 hours from her where both my older sisters had retired to.

My point is that the senior-community-lots-of-activities-lots-of-friends period only lasts so long, and then it's adult children called in to meet all the parent's needs. My mother rarely sees or speaks to any of her old friends, although I encourage her to keep in touch. She feels that part of her life is over. She's now needy and dependent, and those old friends are no use to her. Her daughters, on whom she can impose endlessly without anything expected in return, are the only people she wants around. Luckily there are three of us, although most of the burden is still on me. My mother is 84 and could still live a long long time.
(3)
Report
My sig other took my Mom to a new hearing aid place. He said he never realized how frail my parents were becoming because the past 3 months all we saw them was in the house because I had to stop driving because of an injury.

Sig other doesn't have much patience as my parents both are walking very slow .... hard to believe that 6 years ago both of them use to walk 2 miles a day, every day, rain or shine.

Then my Dad complained to sig other that he's been stuck in the house as I stopped coming over to drive him here or there.... that struck a nerve with my sig other because he's seeing the pain I have been in since my fall this past May. Sig other had to remind my Dad "she can't drive yet".

If only my folks would have moved to a nice retirement village, which they could easily afford... which has transportation, etc. But no.
(0)
Report
I love my mother but she moved far away. I was sad when she first left, but it was her decision. She is not well and lives in a senior community in Florida. Although none of her family live there, she seems quite content in a strange way. Everyone who lives there is a senior and they are a fairly cohesive community. She also has excellent doctors there. She has more mobility because of the warm weather and there are many social activities geared towards her elderly lifestyle.
She is the one who chose to move there. She engineered the whole thing herself. The first year she expected people to come see her (there is no room for guests to stay in her efficiency apartment) and for people to squire her back and forth to have her visit them. None of us has a home equipped for the handicapped (she had one here complete with guest room but she gave it up).
Also, none of us are retired and therefore cannot be there to look after her and make sure she is entertained and safe.
So she lives far away and she prefers the year round warm climate.
While I often wish she were closer by, I realize she would probably be miserable and so would I - trying to be a valet service and companion. Our family and the Grand kids are all spread out all over the country.
To those who make 3-4 trips to buy hangars, packs of tomatoes in just the right size and so on, seems like Mom is bored. Is there a senior community group in your area? My late Aunt was alone after her retirement. Although I loved her very much and we got along well, she was retired and had loads of time on her hands. I coaxed her into finding outlets for socializing and making new friends (she was a career woman her whole life - many contemporaries passed away and she was never married, no kids).
Well, she first joined a parish (she was Roman Catholic). There were SO many single older ladies there that she ended up having a busier social calendar than me! I would visit when I was able, knowing that she loved my company, but at least she was not alone. She did not live nearby so that made it more difficult to see her.
In this day and age there are so many activities for seniors. If your Mom is able bodied (sounds like she is) there are activities that can be arranged in the community I am sure. My Aunt even found a service that picked her up each week for trips to the grocery store. She also joined a cooking class, a women's club, a senior group and made lots of new RETIRED friends who went to the movies and shows together at a discounted price.
It is great that you love your mother, but you do not need to be her CONSTANT companion.
Good luck!!
(1)
Report
book, taking Mom out is rarely enjoyable. She walks like each step is her last. It is hard on her. I know she won't want to go out very often. I think it was more because it gave her something to look forward to and also a message that someone was including her. It is so much easier not to include them, particularly when they are difficult. I am kind of embarrassed that I don't include her more. Maybe if she felt she still belonged she would be better?? It's worth a try. I don't think this would work with your father, book. He is so different from my mother. And you do so much for him already.
(0)
Report
JessieBelle, if the unforseeable future, your mom gets used to these outings and finds out it's even more fun to embarrass you publicly, don't feel bad if you drop these outings like a hot potato. That's my dad. I hope your mom is different. Enjoy your hair appointments tomorrow!
(2)
Report
I did something today that works with the narcissistic need of my mother, instead of against it. Sunday I had taken her to church and out to eat. Monday we had an emergency appointment at urgent care that took half a day. It made me miss my hair appointment. :( My mother was all glum today while I was working, so I asked her if she wanted to get her hair cut tomorrow and go out to eat. She said yes and brightened up. She was pleasant the rest of the evening. I hope we can both get our hair done, but if not, I can always get mine cut later.

I wonder if some narcissism comes up because someone feels left out. It's worth a try to include her as much as feasible when it comes to things she likes to do.
(0)
Report
I've been their also. Shopping for tomatoes in packs of four that only come in fives. Eventually I insisted on Tesco home deliveries. That to had its drawbacks when the van did not arrive percisely at the requested time. Impossible situation we find ourselves in.
(2)
Report
phoenix, I know exactly what you mean. Everything becomes about them. We could break an arm and have a heart attack, and they'll say they hope we get better fast so we can take them shopping. :)
(5)
Report
I know that just because my mother makes demands I don't have to give into them. Even when I don't give into every demand, that doesn't stop her from bombarding me with them. She just never lets up!! I have burnout from this and from spending so much time trying to dodge her demands. I've been trying to deflect her, by telling her to call one of my siblings to do something. She always goes into these mind bending, round about, lame excuses why she can't expect them to do anything for her. (they're busy, they're sleeping, they have other things to do...)

For example: she wanted me to take her shopping for clothes hangers. The cheap plastic hangers. I took her to two stores, she "didn't see anything she liked", they had packs of 12, oh no, she doesn't need that many. She wants me to take her to other stores a couple of towns away to shop for the exact small pack of hangers she wants. This is what my life has been like a couple of times a week since she moved here over a year ago.

One time when I was driving her home from her weekly 2 hr. grocery shopping and I was tired, she said that she COULD go shopping once a week. But she deliberately decided not to and that she holds back on getting everything she needs on purpose, so that she has an excuse to go shopping every week and it gets her out of the house. In other words, she COULD give me a break every other week, but deliberately manipulates her shopping so that I don't. (I felt like driving my car off the road when she said that.) And right after she said that she hit me up with two other shopping errands she wanted me to come back and take her to. (the hangers shopping) She doesn't acknowledge at all my involvement in getting her shopping, and all the work, time and energy I have to put in, and doing her driving and getting her out of the house.
(5)
Report
My mother has suffered from schizophrenia all of my life (well over 50 years). We hen my father (89) took vascular dementia due to heart failure, I was left alone to care for my mother. We knew this was going to be a very difficult time. I wrote time and time again to mental health asking for help. I was ignored. I even fitted cameras to watch my mother. My life became intolerable. Dealing with my father and mothers financial affairs, back and forth to the hospital then to the care home (where my father resides newly a year later), and back home to cope with my mother. Eventually she tried to end her life. She left the house late one night, never to return. We found her some17 hours later barely alive. My mother is now also in care. I am angry about the fact that firstly I was not told about the possible side affects her medication may produce, secondly the fact my concerns, letters, meetings, emails were ignored, thirdly the lack of transparency surrounding the SAI enquiry and lastly the manner in which they treated my family and myself. My father and I cared for my mother for as long as I can remember. This last 4 years of my father's declining health have been unbearable. I never knew life could be so hard. My father was unable to walk, doubly incontinent, blind, confused, suffering from pressure sores which were badly infected, unable to feed himself or sleep and suffering from confusion. Eventually he went into heart failure ( that was nearly a year ago). He is still alive although he suffers from continual urinary tract and chest infections. It is all so terrible to watch.
(0)
Report
Prozac (fluoxetine) and any SSRI can increase suicidal thoughts, but so can depression. If she in fact had that as a side effect don't necessarily hold it against the prescriber - Prozac was probably a very appropriate drug to try, and failing to treat treatable illnesses for fear of side effects when the illness can be at least as bad as the most likely ones is usually a mistake. My mom almost did not get treated for her Parkinsonism and would have gone downhill a lot sooner and a lot faster if the scaredy-cat doc had prevailed. And, some things that held out hope of making her better cognitively did not pan out and had to be stopped, but if we'd never tried I would have read the most recent articles one of them, and felt like I'd failed her! Some of us are better at the side effects talks with new Rxs than others.
(0)
Report
My mother was prescribed Olanzapine and Fluoxetine. I have just learned through my own research that a side affect from taking Fluoxetine can be thoughts of suicide. Why were the family not made aware of this ?
Now I can understand the events that surround the 4th / 5th April 2015 a little better. My complaint has been dropped and I have been denied contact details for SAI external enquiry. What is going on ? These people are untouchable ! 😞
(0)
Report
3 4 5 6 7
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter