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Thanks for your post, JoyceW.....see this is what I have been trying to get across: there is a HUGE difference when the parent you've been caring for is narcissistic or manipulative and has only just become that way due to dementia or other illness, and has not been that way all their life!! It is so different when they can turn it on/off at their will.....
How wonderful to hear that your mother is so loved. It must be so hard for you and your family to watch her go down this road. I wish I could tell my mother that she was very loved all her life, that we still love her and value her so very much right now, and of course would be devastated were we to lose her but it would all fall on deaf ears, sadly.
I'm sure you are giving your mom the very best care you are able to - and you sound like a wonderful and compassionate, caring person. May you be showered with blessings.
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I appreciate all the posts and I appreciate everyone's ability to see that some of you are talking about apples and some are talking about oranges (different circumstances and realities). No one shoe fits all.
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My Mother has done the same thing for a few years. She is Bipolar/Borderline Personality Disorder (among other things). We have found an excellent geriatric therapist for her and a psychiatrist that knows his stuff as far as meds are concerned. Ask around and get some recommendations either from staff your Mother is contact with or physicians she sees. Do your research! If your Mom feels comfortable with a certian therapist is makes life much easier for all involved.
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My Aunt of 92 years was also constantly telling me that she wanted to die. I stopped trying to talk her out of it and basically I agreed with her that it might be for the best and I said that I would miss her--but let's face the facts s together. I did two things ---and she is better. First, I said let's plan your funeral and I made it real with asking and taking notes on her choice of readings and hymns and also what she would wear and what we would put in her obituary. I made a serious attempt over several meetings to talk about how she wanted ehr death to be commemorated. hen i put it into the computer and printed it all out and gave her a copy--which she keeps in her prayer book.

Also I told her that talking to her was sometimes the high point of my day and that I still need her help and her advice. I will be all alone when she dies. She wants to be needed.And she wants to think that she is helping me. And I said--I hate to be so selfish--but I would like you to stay alive and help me a while longer--if that is the WIll of God.

She then asked me what she should do when she feels like she wants to die. And I said say this--and I loudly and urgently lead her in a recital of the Hail Mary.

And she said--OK. And that is what we do now when she says it--and she hardly does anymore.
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Norma: That is beautiful and your aunt is blessed to have you. Big hugs, Cattails.
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This is tough. Anti-anxiety meds rarely work for those with moderate/severe dementia. The meds that do tend to work, primary healthcare doctors are hesitant to give (or aren't authorized to do so) because many of them carry a risk of death in the elderly. We danced around my dad's abusive and negative verbal bashing far too long, mostly because we didn't know what to do. I pushed his primary to give a higher dose of his meds, but it still wasn't working. She had him on 50mg when a full adult w/ mental illness takes over 200mg. It made him a little less edgy but he was still verbally abusive. We finally took him to an emergency room, had him involuntarily committed and FINALLY someone was listening and they had him taken to a geri-psych facility where he was given the appropriate meds. I'd like to say things were fine, but he had other health issues too and had been spitting out and hiding his pills for so long that he died about a month later. I don't believe the meds were responsible for his death in total, but the damage he had done combined w/ the meds may have contributed to it. You need to get you mother evaluated by a psychiatrist - and preferably one that is geriatric saavy. Otherwise, the priamary is playing "let's try this inadequate pill" and you'll be at that game forever.
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It does sound like she has and still is suffering from Major Depression. They need to put her on an antidepressant med. Has she ever taking any anti meds in the pass?.
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I agree with the personality disorder, And I certainly don’t say it as to demean anyone! Here very lately, I’ve come to believe that my Parents have hidden my Moms Personality disorder and now add dementia to the mix, it’s more profound. Mom’s always had major mood swings, anxiety and paranoia, she self medicated with Alcohol has been Sober for over 25 yrs but she’s addicted to “nerve” pills, i.e., Ativan.

Mom has been very successful and guilty her Family but I’m the only one left that’s close enough to manipulate….I’m not playing her game anymore, my vision is clear! She’s always said that “Dad is getting worse, they’re going to put him away” Wellllllll….I see the opposite and I pray not to have my Mom under lock and key. I’ve heard her say, “I’m a good con artist” and I’ve seen her wink when asking for another “nerve pill”

This weekend she called me in a low whisper begging me to bring her some money, 2 men had come in their room like gangsters, she thinks Dad must owe them money. They were the Nurses Aides coming to take Dads vitals. The day before, someone had put trash in her depends. They give her the sleeping pill that she begs for then says the nurse knocks her out. Thing is, she wants me to be upset and act a fool with the N.H. on illegitimate allegations.

Now she’s asking God to stop her heart so she can go home. I really do believe that she is mentally tormented. My Parents are 88 and 97, in their day if you had a Mental illness you were put away, Bipolar was not known. Mom has recently been prescribed Seroquel and her anxiety meds increased I pray big time that this helps. Oh and she also is being treated for a UTI.
So tbumby, I’m hoping that meds will help your Mom settle down for the sake of you and your Dad, talk to your Moms Doc, I wish you all well.
Please let us know how it goes for you.
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What do you say when your mom says she wants to die? Try and ignore it and see if that helps, it may be attention seeking behavior. As you said the dementia is probably aggravating it and she doesn't remember that she just said "I want to die" so she says it over and over again. Talk to her doctor he may be able to prescribe something along with the anti-anxiety that will help.
Hang in there,
Sarahjean,
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I believe that Cattails is correct. It's not healthy. I've had to live with something similar with my mother for decades. Just because someone can function, doesn't mean they don't have issues. Usually those issues can be traced back to childhood. In the case of my mother, I know they do. Wolves would have done a better job raising her than my grandmother did. My personal belief is that substance abuse, dementia, stroke, or any condition that distorts or impairs judgement, only makes underlying issues worse.

One thing I'd like to add, being dismayed by an elder's negative behavior doesn't mean you don't love that person and want the best for them. Finding the balance between what's healthy for them and healthy for you—I'm now learning—is a very difficult path to navigate.

I feel for you tbumby. Believe me, you aren't alone.
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I do not see calling someone an (idoit) is doing any good for anyone.
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My mother who died a week ago told me that all the time. I've never been in my 80s so I really don't know what it's like. I knew that my mother was going to die. I told her that she would get to see Hunny Bear and Teenie Bopper and C.C. and Thumper and she'd be with my favorite cat, Clancy and she'd really like him--but to remember that Clancy's mine and I want him when I get there as well. I know that it is unpleasant. I heard a lot of "soon I'll be dead and you can get rid of me." I heard a lot of stuff like "nobody likes me." Don't we all feel that way. I am sorry that you have to listen to that. I've had to listen a lot.
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Has anyone completed a depression screen with your loved one? Try to keep conversations positive if you can. Be as supportive as you can as well. Is your loved one a person of faith? Would it be helpful for a Chaplain to visit for support and prayer? Getting older is not easy-try to give her some control in her life as she has experienced so many losses. Allow her to make simple decisions in her life. Good luck.
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Get her to talk to you. It will not cause her to act on it. I volunteer on a hot line and we are trained to "stir into the pain".
Having someone to talk to may be what she needs. If this is too much or difficult for you, call the Samaritans and they can walk you through this.

Do not pooh pooh it as "you're just feeling sad today", etc.
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I would see if she would just sat down and talk to you. Maybe somewhere nice and quite to see why she feels the way she does. Has she ever been diagnose with depression along with her dementia? Will she discuss this with her dr or maybe someone else?
Landry, is their a support # number she can call or her mom call to talk to someone or our the phone # different for each state?
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Thanks for all the helpful comments and suggestions. It's good to know there are others who have also dealt with this all their lives. I have learned to distance myself emotionally from her but it just gets so old hearing her pity party. Ignoring it just makes things worse as she tries using other tactics to get attention. She is now on a different antidepressant which seems to help some. My biggest concern is for my dad since he doesn't know how to deal with her. He is totally against going to a support group for reasons that he won't say. His health is declining but he won't do anything about the situation and is upset with us for hiring home health. I'm sure he has depression but he says he's not. It seems everything we try to do to help him is shot down. It's upsetting to see my parents so miserable and feeling helpless to do anything. I do think at this point in her life and situation that my mom would be happy if she died and I'm ok with that. I'm not ok with my dad now seeming to take her place.
On a side note, personality disorders are very difficult to treat and it's doubtful a therapist will do much help for her at this age and unless you have a family member with a mental illness it can be difficult for some to understand what its like living in that situation.
Again, thanks for letting me know I'm not the only person who has a mother like this. I spent so many years thinking my mom was the only mother who talked like this.
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tbumpy, welcome to the board.
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My mother called for everyone's attention when we gathered at her house two christmases ago. There were about 20 of us there. She held up her glass and thanked everyone for coming to her LAST christmas celebration. She's said over the past few years that she doesn't have long to live so many times, that a collective groan was given by everyone there. She was so self absorbed in her own drama, that she didn't even notice that we all pretty much rolled our eyes and didn't miss a beat. Its sad in a way.
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Just this morning I called Mom to see how she was doing after the podiatrist paid her a visit yesterday. She wouldn't talk with me yesterday. Today, she still was not doing well. She was mad at the world, and she takes our conversations to places I don't want to visit. Guess she put up quite a fuss and the doctor was able to work on one foot only and didn't accomplish much with those nails of hers. She repeatedly said she wants to die and she is sorry that she bothers me about helping her get out of "that place". Quote, "I just can't take it in here any longer". I keep repeating what I say every call and that is how much I want her to feel safe and secure and she says she doesn't feel that way in a strange place. She has been there well over a year. Her behavior seems to be getting worse, and we have discussed adding another medication for her psychosis. She is quite alert, but is sure she is going to have a heart attack.....she is very confused and loves to push my buttons. I too, am always at a loss to calm her down when she gets so worked up and starts crying hysterically. This is a dreadful disease and I wish I had done things differently early on, like move her closer to me. Hind sight is wonderful, isn't it?
Hang in there everyone. I am amazed at how many of you share similar stories to mine. Thanks for that.
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I am 55 with early dementia. It is not a personality disorder. It is a brain disease. Living with it at any stage bites. I want to die, too. People are clueless as to how it feels. Suicide should not be a crime. Religions that preach against it are ignorant.
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