My 82 yo mother has moderate/severe dementia and is being cared for by my dad and sometimes myself. She has spent her life saying she's"just going to die anyway and no one cares" "you'll all be happy when I die" etc. I believe she has borderline personality. The negative comments were bad enough when she was well but now it's constant all day and night. Distracting her doesn't work. She is on anti-anxiety meds which aren't really helping. My dad and I (dad especially) are extremely frustrated. Nothing worked when she was well either so I'm sure it's not the dementia causing it (maybe aggravating it). Does anyone have experience with this or any suggestions? This is really affecting my dad's health. She's in adult day care 3 mornings a week and we are hiring home health to start next week but it won't be every day due to cost. We are desperate for help.
I hear the same thing from my mother, age 86. One day before she came to live with us I got a phone call from her in which she said "I'm tired of being sick......I might as well take an overdose". How do you answer a comment like that?
I believe it is mostly an attention-getting attempt at garnering pity for themselves. When my mother said this, there was nothing wrong with her, other than the fact that she had neglected her health so badly (ate with abandon even though she had diabetes, refused to take her medication because she "didn't believe" what the dr. said or that the pills were helping her)
and also she just wanted to be left alone to her own devices and didn't want to have anyone telling her what to do.
The previous posting is correct: these problems have existed long before any of their serious health issues came along.......I know this because, for 25 yrs. my mother complained that I "wouldn't" drive, she lived in another town by her own choice, constantly asked me "what will happen when I take sick", and said to my brother when I bought a new house, "well they better have a guest room".
They are clever and devious when they want to be, and masters at guilting you into getting what they want - their skills at manipulation are unparalleled.
So the next time she says "I just want to die", say to her "so based on your behaviour in life, where do you think you'd be going? Heaven or Hell?" I guarantee you a stunned silence, and maybe she will think twice before she tries to pack your bags for your guilt trip.
Reading tbumpy's original post here, there is a pre-disease history that suggests to me (but doesn't prove) something else is going on.
But you raise an interesting question. What about those cases where the person simply and truly wants to die?
Some people believe in assisted suicide.
I guess I would still try to ease the anxiety and try to make the person feel somewhat better. My original post would still be my answer, as much for the poor woman's husband as for her. I would also talk about a health care directive that does not prolong life in any way.
My Mom says the same thing, but only to me. When I've tried to discuss it with her Doctor she just says everything is wonderful. Christmas Day while I was driving her from her assisted living home to my house I got so mad at her for talking like that when we got in I announced it to the whole house. It embarassed her enough she realized how distressing what she was saying was.
Now instead of saying she wants to die she says she's depressed. I guess that's an improvement.
I've also realized when she says how much she misses her home, etc. She just misses it and knows that she couldn't live there anymore. It's my own guilt for moving her that feels bad about it.
I would.
But when a serious, dedicated member of our board, like cattails, suggests a mental illness, it is like suggesting someone may have had undiagnosed diabetes, or perhaps should be tested for sleep apnea. These statements are not at all insults. They are trying to get at what is wrong in order to deal wth the situation effectively.
I'm sorry, but someone who constantly, all her adult life, moans about wanting to die is not mentally healthy. tbumpy, the original poster, thinks she may have borderline personality disorder. Talking about these things is perfectly acceptable here, just like talking about copd, chf, diabetes, or any other problems that the people we care for might be experiencing.
What is insulting is to lump all mental disorders together as "retarded" and to think that is offensive. People who are retarded are entitled to dignity and respect, too. None of these disorders are insulting. They just are what they are.
To me these are miracles in the lives of those who suffer and I am always moved to see these miracles happen. Thanks for sharing about your mom. I hope it gives tbumpy the encouragement she needs to seek out help for her mom.
Love ya, Cattails.
I also agree with Jeanne about getting the proper medication. It took professionals to make me understand that my mother has and probably always had a personality disorder. That combined with dementia is a difficult scenario. She is finally on the proper medication, but it took years as she refused. I tried so hard to get her on medication after working with psychiatrists she had been evaluated by. And Godzie, mental health issues are not calling .someone "retarded" - it is what it is and until it is properly diagnosed and treated; it is quite destructive to both the person and family. My mother is finally on the "right" meds and such a difference it has made - she is finally doing better after all these years.
I hope you can find some help as Cattails recommended; especially for the sake of your Dad. Take care.
Her mother has dementia but still can comunicate w/her family? She feels useless now & old & the last thing anyone can tell her is she's retarded? The elderly are like children again constantly needing assurance that they are loved & useful...even if it's just to fold the washcloths?
We are all in the same boat everyday getting older to that crossroads in life & hope that you are not put down saying she always had mental problems like you did her mother when you get to that age?
If you and your dad couldn't do anything about that guilt/martyrdom thing when your mother wasn't mentally impaired, I don't know what can be done about it now. Maybe some sort of drug like Jeanne suggested.
Could she go to day care 5 days a week?