My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Thank you, ChrisCat83. I'm finding it tough not communicating with my mother, but I know that unless she realises that what she's been saying to me is wrong, and is prepared to work on that, I can't do it.
She's said some horrendous things- once for instance that she wished my father would 'just die'- when he was ill. She'd also concealed how ill he was and put me off visiting. In the end I just went there, went to his GP the next morning when I'd fed him (he was hungry and had a urinary tract infection so could not eat as was shaking so much), and they called ambulance. He was in hospital about 3 weeks. I was kind of stunned by what she'd 'not done', but I blocked it out but now it's all hitting me, things she's said. It's like all the pushed down pain of all those comments over the years is coming up now. Combined with realisation that the way my mother has any love for me- if she does- is a kind of weird controlling, sabotaging, jealous love, that I don't feel as love, at all.
I sent her a Christmas card last week- it was a simple message- I hope you find peace and joy this Christmas (printed) - then underneath - I wrote - please try to find time in 2021 to take care of your health'. and, Love, Michele xx
I have had no response or reply. I try to think of a letter I would write to explain how I feel about what has gone wrong, reminding her of things she has said, and explaining why they are not good things to say, but it would just read like a diatribe. My friend described it as a 'stand-off', and I think in the end she will contact me- when she wants something. In the meantime she will find contacts through her elder group to take out whatever it is, on.
She has said in the past 'oh, I fell out with xxx', or 'I haven't seen xxx for a while' or 'I won't be texting xxx any more'. A few times, these friends have come and gone and come back again.
So, I've realised that it's not just me probably, experiencing these behaviours. But because of lockdown and pandemic etc., her outlets for taking a pop at others to make herself feel better have not been there. So, maybe she has burned all her bridges and so upped the ante on me. When is she going to realise that it is her, and not everyone else? I think that without me around to be the outlet onto, she's going to have to think about her behaviour. Without realising it, I've been reinforcing it- by putting up with stuff, just going quiet, not reacting.
I sent my contact details as next of kin to her doctors. I expressed concerns about the drinking and what looks to me like weight loss. The practice nurse called me a few days later and said they had called my mother, and she'd been 'polite but asked who I was and refused to speak to me at first then said she was absolutely fine, etc'. Doesn't sound that polite to me. Anyway the nurse also said, the next day she called back the surgery and apologised for how she spoke to the nurse. That looked promising, as it showed she remembered and reflected on how she spoke to someone. Shame she cannot show the same consideration towards me. Who knows how it will go. I'll stick to my position for now. Until I have talked it through with counsellor, I don't think I should get involved with her. Some very scary anxious feelings about not being in touch with my mum- but if I do get in touch all I'll get is 'I knew you'd be back when you got over that menopausal mood'... or similar.. because to her, everyone else is the one with the problem.

Michele, it's important that you've set boundaries with your mother about what is and isn't acceptable. I know it's tough, but you don't have to accept that kind of abuse - from anyone, including your mother. You mentioned writing her a letter but are worried it might sound all wrong. Why not write it anyway, just to get your thoughts out and on paper instead of them churning through your head all the time? You don't have to send the letter at all, but it might be good for you to just get your thoughts and grievances out. When I started therapy, this was one of the earliest suggestions given to me. I wrote "letters" to my mother and stepmother as part of a journal I was encouraged to keep, to help when I was feeling very low. I didn't send them as that wasn't their purpose, but I did feel they helped to lift the emotional burden. You could also try to exercise "compassionate detachment", towards your mother, where you care about the wellbeing of someone, but you do this from a distance and so avoid being a target for their abuse. It sounds like you're probably doing this anyway. Send cards, a Christmas present, whatever, as part of this approach, but tell yourself not to expect anything in return and then you won't be upset or disappointed. Just go through the motions. If you've suffered a lifetime of abuse, you won't change things overnight, but you're more likely to succeed if you take small steps forward. Hope this helps, and stay strong!

sounds abusive

These types of personality traits are all 'narcissistic' elderly mothers who always put down their daughters are never going to apologize to them, because these types of mothers are 'bullies'. They wish to condemn anything positive or happy for their child. When a child is in their formative years and developing into adulthood they need reassurance, compassion, praise, confidence building, empathy from their parent to ground them. If these areas of parenting are neglected and 'neglect' in love, emotional quotient, and emotional support, are missing then that child will become 'self-loathing', withdrawn, isolated, find big difficulties making new friendships, or even keeping any friend at all because they keep 'putting themselves down' and are talking negative language day in day out. The parent who is always condemning their child to negativity, bullying and comparing their child to others who are well off, happy with partners, have children and have everything in life, and then compare that child on a 'social comparison scale' then that parent should not ever have had any right to bear children in my firm opinion. I see very positive family dynamics around me and I see many families with opposite, parents who should never have been parents in the first place.

Great insight, Britney. I also think that there are certain traits that have developed in the children of narcissistic parents that can make them targets for bullying and other bad behaviour when they reach adulthood. I can think of a few jobs I had where I felt singled out for a hard time at work, and think it was probably because I didn't have the necessary emotional tools to set boundaries. I do remember one occasion though when I really thought enough was enough, I resigned and never looked back. I felt so empowered and it also turned out to be the best career move I ever made. Maybe there is a lesson here for us all in our current difficult caregiving situations?

MIL is finally in A.L. The last 7 mo. were horrible, trying to help her out in her home w/ the other siblings who are just like their mother. We put up necessary boundaries for our own peace of mind and it was a constant battle w/ the S.I.Laws who felt they could dictate to us how we would help out and when we would help out.
It’s so true that dementia doesn’t change mean spiritedness, pride, racism, cruelty ,critical heart, over-the-top negativity, bitterness, unforgiveness or anger episodes....it just makes it worse.
My husband, her son, is tired of dealing with her. She’s safe in this beautiful new facility & she has the funds to pay for it. Visiting her is stressful because she’s so negative.
Its been a week since we’ve seen her or spoken to her and neither one of us feels guilty. We are SO thankful that my husband isn’t her POA and can make NO decisions for her. What an unusual gift. She always loved her daughters more than her sons and that has been painfully obvious, so now, they can worry about her.
My husband and I intend to go on living the wonderful life God gave us and we will be THANKFUL and GRATEFUL every day for little things and the big things and we refuse to get sucked in to the negativity of his pitiful mother. We don’t “have” to visit her. We don’t “have” to call her. If we do, it’s because we decide, not her and not her guilt trips. Our calls and visits make no difference anyway, so why tear our own health down wringing our hands over current unhappiness? She was miserable in her home with caregivers and now she’s miserable in her new adorable A.L. apartment.
Adults live the way they want to. Any adult can decide to change course, forgive, learn to treat family with respect and heal from their own childhood wounding,let go of perceived offenses and bitterness, but MOST choose not to.

So how do YOU want to live from here on out dear one? What are YOU willing to do to heal from childhood wounding by a narcissist parent? What are YOU willing to do to go forward with this beautiful life that God gave you to live? Go and do that, because life is VERY short. Find your peace in 2021.
God bless.

DILHagen2, delighted for you and your husband - an excellent example of how to reclaim your life without conpromising on the quality of care the elder is receiving. Your attitude of thankfulness and gratitude for what you have is so much healthier than putting up with stress and enduring bad family behaviour. Enjoy your new found freedom!

I can relate to much of what you feel. I'm new at this and am hoping to see others' answers. We can only control ourselves. Be kind to yourself. Take breaks outside the home. You're doing the best you can. I pray ALOT and realize at the end of the day she is God's.

wow, my mom turned into a hateful, critical, condescending and difficult person. Yes she can’t drive after she admitted she couldn’t see well and hit a parked car and totaled hers. She has her own house outside the country next to brothers and sisters but she stays with me for months for health care reasons. She has access to healthcare in her home country. She’s 82 and takes care of my autistic older brother because she has kept him out of community programs because according to her he can’t concentrate or work and she didn’t like the programs that were offered in the late 80s. So she has no close relationships, her friend calls her, and she just watches tv and eats all day. She’s against anything I say. I work at home now because of COVID and my youngest and husband are tired of her yelling at my brother, banging dishes in the kitchen when we eat at the table, leaves messes everywhere. She wants me to offer to meet all her needs because she’s too proud to ask. I communicate and request for her to tell me what she needs. I tell my family not to bother me when I am working and she’ll bust through my door and interrupt me. Tell me to talk to people on the phone for her and I have to remind her I’m working. She has personally attacked me by criticizing what I wear, eat and how I look. Tells me that they way I keep my house is to impress my husband. Then she’ll storm off if I say something about her behavior. She’ll be silent and leave food out and the kitchen is upside down. I hire a house cleaner to help and I said we should have another helper during the week because I can’t because I’m working and she’s can’t because she complains how she can’t. Then she’ll say my brother isn’t a problem and she can make him something to eat when she makes herself breakfast. Usually she’s asleep. She won’t say good morning to anyone and just pout. She’ll slap my 16 y.o. son when he’s on the living room computer and annoy him and he’s asked me if he can take the computer to his room and I finally said yes. Now that she’s in her country, I told her she can’t come back because of COVID but my son says he still needs a break from grandma. My house is now peaceful and We all feel so much better. It’s sad that she is so annoying this has affected us in such a negative way and I love her and I wish she’d be sweet like she used to be. I honestly can’t take care of her. I was a single mom for a long time, I’ve worked full time all the time and I still do and my middle child passed away and I’m just worn out physically and emotionally and I truly don’t want any more stress or negativity in my life.

hugs!!

imagine a life without abusive people around you.
imagine how nice.
lots of time, energy, for you to focus on the right things.

go for life!
for a life without abusive people around you.

i’m not sure these abusive people love us. i think it might not be love. maybe it was convenient sometimes to be nice to us.

hugs and courage!
find freedom. a life without abuse.

I understand why you're feeling guilty because I too was raised in a narcissistic home. We were conditioned to constantly think of their wellbeing and happiness and most times at the risk of our own happiness. I tried to be a good daughter and sister, but it was always "well that was yesterday, what have you done for me today". It just got to the point that I just couldn't do it anymore. I decided after the last conversation with her which went south I wasn't going to reach out to her first, I was going to let her call me. Well, she never called and then convinced the one sister I had a relationship to stop talking to me as well. At first, I was so hurt but within months I couldn't believe how much better I felt. I could finally start to heal. To be honest, I think it was the nicest thing she ever did for me.

I'm telling you this because I think you may have a similar relationship with your mom. If it were me I would stop having her over for holidays. I would have a nice dinner just for her alone so no one has to suffer because of her behavior. She's not going to be happy either way so you and your family may enjoy your time together.

My god, we are having the same experience with our mothers. My Mother sold the family home and moved 4 hours away to be near her sisters 15 years ago. Brought into a retirement village and has complained about it since then. She now is having health problems and may have to move back this way to be near my brother to go into aged care. Which is going to cost a arm and leg, she has used most of the money up. That is another story!
Whatever I say has always been wrong or stupid. In fact most people are stupid in her mind . Everybody lies and she loves to run people into the ground which I can not put up with. Visiting her is mostly a nightmare. She has her last sister in tears a lot of the time.
I am also 60 . Everything you said I can relate too. Best of luck my friend.

Wow it's been an eye opener reading people's comments. As I now don't feel alone. I just got done moving my mom next door to us as we had relocated two hours away from our childhood area. I had also relocated both my children and their families. My dad has been gone for over 10 years now and I don't know how he dealt with her and her negativity. My brother walked away from her almost completely 10 years ago. And my half sister helps when she can. I am drowning most days. As she likes to lie to my children about me and will talk negative about me to. And she will talk to me about them and lie about it to. It's kind of comical though as my children know better to believe what she says. I help her all the time and am doing my best to get her settled in her new home. It's taking longer then we expected But it doesn't matter what I do. And she likes to state her opinion about everything and everybody. I am over fifty years old and it's none of her business what my husband and I spend our money on or how we live, but I get lectured. Everyday there is some kind of emergency that really isn't, but she makes every little thing into a tragedy. She thinks that she is the only person her age that has to deal with issues everyday. If this keeps up after I have her completely settled, I may have to move away or get a job so I can have a breather. It's just so exhausting mentally and physically. It affects us, my children and grandchildren. It's sad that even my grandchildren have gotten to the point that they can't handle her much either. I never dreamed I would be dealing with any of this. And does anyone else have the situation that I can watch or hear her talk to other non family members and she acts completely different? It is unreal that she can do that. Her doctors are oblivious I believe because she can put on a charade for them. Sorry this is so long, but thanks for letting me vent.

Mush, yes, yes and yes! Completely identify with your problems, with a mother who is very similar. You mentioned getting a job to relieve the strain. You will see on previous posts that some Forum members have "invented" getting a fab new job that means they can no longer jump when ordered to do so, and who are no longer available for 24/7 help. Maybe you too need a "job" like this? The "job" can be carried out at a location of your choosing and with hours to suit you!!

I can’t believe I have found “my peeps” at last!! I have skimmed through a lot of the posts and am so relieved to have found women dealing with the same thing I am. I am looking forward to shared experiences and shared advice! Everyone I know has nice mothers and I thought I was the only one who didn’t. My mother has Border-Line-Personality Disorder, which is in the same DSM grouping with narcissism. I’ve got something like 25 years of therapy under my belt now, but every time I speak to her it feels like I am being exposed to evil and I can feel my soul dying inside of me.

Arwyn - Welcome! my mother had Borderline Personality Disorder too. I learned to distance early in life. From young I knew she had a problem. I was a distance caregiver for her - POA, medical and financial, and now executrix as she died a couple of years ago aged 106. I was 80 then. It went on far too long. Had I known I might not have taken on those responsibilities. It was not easy, even at a distance. I could never have taken her into my home. Many here understand the difficulties of being an adult a caring for a parent who has been abusive in one way or another to his/her children. You must protect yourself first. I am still going to therapy to work on childhood issues. They are very pervasive.

I can’t believe I came across this discussion about mother’s who are just not nice people. It has taken me many years to come to the realization that our mom resents my twin sister and I. Mom is nasty, negative, jealous and controlling. I got away from her many years ago but it has been very painful coming to terms that she is never going to be a loving, joyful person.
She is so mean and difficult that she was told they no longer needed where she has worked part-time for the last 15 yrs (she is 78).
My sister and I now have a terrible dilemma. Mom is being verbally abusive to our 80 yr old Dad. He has some memory issues and other health issues that he will not let keep him down. My sis called him today to say she would be down to shovel the heavy snow off the deck. He told my sister he would do it. That set mom off and she was literally screaming at my Dad terrible things like she hope he died and then my sister and I could deal with them. And she wouldn’t go to the funeral and on and on.
My sister went down to their home and took care of the snow. She knocked on the door to return a dish - Mom opened the door, snatched the dish and slammed the door in my sister’s face without a word.
I live in another state and feel so helpless. We don’t want Dad living with
such nastiness. He will not leave the house to stay elsewhere. He told my sister that mom is like this 75% of the time.
How can we help our Dad? I go home when I can but can’t spend more than 24 hrs with my Mom. And, I can’t let my sister deal with this alone.

I feel that there is no room in anyone's life for toxic people, whether or not you are related. You are under no obligation to continue to put yourself and your kids through the hateful, negative air your mother breathes. And there is no need to feel guilty for excluding her from your life. If she were a neighbor, would you tolerate this kind of behavior? Give yourself the freedom to live without the toxicity. You deserve better. Big hugs to you.

I wonder if this is a generational thing - those from the so called Silent Generation seem to be the main culprits. Reading all the experiences, it seems they are a carbon copy of my own.

My mum used to say that her ambition was to live to 100 and I thought, oh God, I hope she doesn't - because I don't think I could have put up with any more of her antics. In the event, cancer claimed her life at 78.

She had cut ties with myself and my Dad a couple of years before diagnosis. One day my father rang me up and said that she wanted to talk to me. I said I couldn't imagine why and he said she had cancer.

Well that's different, I thought - although I was also aware that she would be unlikely to have had a personality transplant in the interim. Against my better judgement, I phoned her up and we were having a perfectly civilized conversation. I told her I was more settled with my work and living arrangements at that point, and that I was sorry about her cancer. I was in mid-sentence, when she put the phone down on me out of nowhere.

I spoke with my dad on the phone the next week and he asked me if I had spoken to my mother. I said yes, I had, but that she had put the phone down on me. My father was in disbelief, and said "oh she didn't!" and I said, I can assure you she did. He said, why would she want to do a thing like that, and at such a time? and I said, BECAUSE THAT'S JUST WHAT SHE'S LIKE.

I'm now having to take my relatives to court over her will, as I'm an only child and was left nothing. However, whatever that does or doesn't bring, it's a million times easier than dealing with her. Her pitting me against them, in a sense, is just another way of putting the boot into me and being remembered after her death. Because she couldn't bear anything to not be all about her.

She ruined her own marriage, did her best to ruin mine, all because of her own intrinsic unhappiness with herself, and what she had managed, or not managed, to achieve in life. I could go on, but my rant would last for hours, and much has already been said on this thread.

I’m new to this forum and I know your (TreadingWater) post is from years ago, but your past is very similar to my present. I feel such sadness and, yes anger, that all I have done for my Mum over many years can be so easily forgotten and she can accuse me of a most horrific crime, distrust me and abuse the love I once felt for her. I feel no guilt, I have done no wrong. The way I feel now is the result of her festering brain taking away loving memories and replacing them with poisonous words that have no place in our mother/daughter relationship.

Inexcusable, if you read the thread to this original post you will find there are so many of us with a similar experience. I hope this helps you with your feelings. There is some good advice here.

I think it's okay to let go. Sounds like you have done this already. Get your family to back you up.

I think you need to start thinking about yourself. You are 60 and have earned that right. Relationships are give and take and it looks like you have done just about enough giving. You mother is in a safe place and will be looked after. She does not appreciate you anyway. So. For now, give yourself some space. Remember the bad times. Don’t seeth about things though, move on.

Mine is the same - narcissism - she has conditioned you to feeling guilty , I have had years of therapy and broke contact for 20 years she is the one who came back and worked her way into my life , she wasn’t missed at all , she has got early onset dementia but independent , I no longer feel guilty or any other emotion she tries to trigger and they do try very hard to trigger negative emotions , it’s deliberate , I can set boundaries , and self care now , No one is going to make you feel bad or guilty for having a year off with your kids ,sounds like my mother who actually gets jealous of her own grandchildren and alienates them , my nephews have cut my mother off, due to horrible hurtful comments she makes to them , my kids don’t really know her, but give me eye contact when she says off Tap things , she can’t hurt them She hasn’t had any influence over them and they don’t understand her emotional abuse they just think she is weird , she doesn’t get the reaction from us she gets from the rest of the family , and My kids just say they understand why I never had anything to do with her for those years , but she is family .

i am just writing this to you , to encourage you to have Christmas with your kids every year without her now from this day forward , and see her Boxing Day , it’s the consequences of her behaviour and a real mum would not want to do this to her daughter in the first place , only a toxic , me me me , would want to do this to her daughter and grandchildren , your overseeing her care and you deserve a medal for that , My mother slammed her door in my face Xmas just past , I called in on my way through Xmas morning to my Xmas plans I had planned 3 months earlier , my sister had planned lunch with mum 3 months earlier , but her kids said NO , nothing to do with me , I was invited out for lunch at friends I hadn’t seen for years as my kids and I do alternate years due to divorce , I was just dropping in to see my mum on my way through as a Xmas courtesy morning visit , and because I wouldn’t change my plans or take her with me , and my sister had cancelled her invitation for Xmas at short notice at her kids request , I got the door slammed in my face when I was leaving and a tantrum 🤷‍♂️ Quite ridiculous and rude and abusive behaviour she did that to keep because I was happy and her intention was to derail me , this is what they do , they suck the soul out of people , stop 🛑 letting your mother rule your life , she is too old to have that control over you , your doing the right thing , it’s time for you and your kids to have your own Xmas 40 years ago , I think you will be feeling guilt no matter what you do , that’s what narcissists do they trigger horrible emotions in every one , I have had so much therapy my mother can’t shake me , to answer your question NO your not horrible, your mother is , and you shouldn’t feel guilty she is in good hands and you and your kids deserve a nice Xmas without your not very nice mother ruining it and you can see her Boxing Day and she can suck the Xmas spirit out of someone else it really won’t matter to her whose Xmas she ruins and she can make you feel guilty on Boxing Day so all good , my mother is just upset my sister has chosen her kids over her , as she had plans for my sister to be her old age beck and call girl and My sister has now stood up to her , now my mother is lining me up , And said some very unkind things about my sister tonight , I said why mum because she needed a Xmas with just her and her kids this year to connect after a bad year , I have Certs in aged care and will make sure everything is ok but I won’t be engaging In her toxicity , set boundaries and self care , and feel guilty Boxing Day , you may actually feel empowered

Actually I have read the other comments - wow - I am not alone , they are shocking mothers by today’s standards , I guess that era created these types of mothers , makes my horrible mother sound normal now , at least they will all have each other in aged care , it’s a duty for me , and my being a good role model for my family , not about her , we constantly remind her, to her “horror “ these days , It’s not about you ? It’s only natural we are the ones googling this topic and finding each other 🤷‍♂️

Joanne, yes, it’s that “light bulb” moment, reading other comments and realising it’s not just you, there are loads of us, and there are loads of those NMs! Hope you take strength from this forum. There is a lot of support here.

Get over it - sorry - this can go on for years. Nothing you all do will make things any better. I know 'cos i've been going through it now for 5 years, you just have to suck it up OR abandon the "old t**ts". There is no other answer it's "you or them". It's up to you to decide which is most important to you. It's ok if you have lovely loving parents who care - but if you have the toxic variety, you're out of luck i'm afraid. No matter what you do will make any difference to their "one dimentional" attitude so just admit defeat and move on. "Grey rock" is the best advice i can give.
I am 59 my mother is 83 and she has tried and succeeded to dominate me and my siblings all our lives. Whete to go from here 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I am fairly young, 46, and my mom is young at 64. She has BPD I’m sure of it though not officially diagnosed. She’s been hateful and cruel to me my entire life. She was a single mom and resented me and told me I was dirty, worthless and then she would change and be friendly for very brief periods. I got married and moved many states away from her over twenty years ago thinking the distance would help barricade me from her abuse. It didn’t. She visited less and less and kept me at a distance unless she needed to hurt me by calling me up and shouting venomous words at me. I just listen thinking I’m helping her and I’m the only one who can because she has no one else. She flies for free and refuses to come see us but once every 3 years or so. When she visits it is for a day or two, and then screams at me how I inconvenience her by living so far away. She’s retired and doesn’t work and has struggled to maintain any relationships her whole life. Being locked up in her home during this pandemic with no one to talk to but me and my daughters has made her disease so much worse. I call her every other day just to make sure she is okay and subject myself to her craziness. Most days it’s like having someone scratch nails across a chalkboard right in your ear and I find myself just wanting to hang up. The guilt takes over and I hang on the phone a little while longer until 1) she dives into a bitter angry rant or 2) she manipulates me by saying she knows I don’t want to listen to her and can’t be bothered so to just quit calling her. As an only child, I know it falls on me to take care of her but need to find a way to do this and protect what little sanity I have left. How do I start the planning process of care giving with someone so angry and bitter and hateful towards me. I want to be a good example for my daughters.

Lawson,

There is only one way to handle someone with BPD. You need boundaries with concrete consequences for when they are broken not to change her but to protect you and your daughters. So, she's a young 64. Let her tend for herself. I'm 64 and my wife is 66, but we don't need anyone looking out or checking up on us. Want to be a good example for your daughters in dealing with an abusive person, get a therapist and ask for help in establishing boundaries with a mother whom you think has BPD. Know this, you did not make her this way; you can't fix her, and you can't change her. The best thing to do is to put yourself and your daughters on a healthy path and stay focused on those boundaries in place no matter what your BPD mom does.

It’s amazing how long this thread has gone on. I’m dealing with guilt, a sense of obligation and responsibility for my nearly 86 year old mother. She lies, gaslights, pitted my sister against me, bought our affection, fights with and alienates people when they get to know her, yells over you during a disagreement, is always right, a know-it-all, tries to shut you down by saying “be quiet” or “stop talking”, uses the silent treatment, turns nasty like the flip of a switch, is always the victim never at fault, then self-deprecates to get you on her side, plays favourites when it serves her, has alienated my sister who has not seen her since our father died 4 years ago, makes me feel like I am crazy, and criticizes my son who lived with her for 2.5 years to go to college and to help her. You try to do something nice for her and she turns it around to a problem, and says she can take care of herself. She doesn’t drive, her closest friends are people she has hired to do work for her, gets herself into weird situations with other people, and on and on. I just had another row with her last night after something I tried to do for her health and needed to be done but she turned it into a big issue because at the last minute she decided not to do it. That gave me little time to cancel the appointment which then prevented someone else from taking it. I am a grown woman and moved 3000 miles away from her and still anytime we talk she will bring up her politics knowing we don’t see eye-to-eye. I am the one feeling like I am abandoning her since she lives alone with her dog in her house with no on-going help. I feel stupid, angry and insane sometimes after dealing with her. One conversation will be fine if I can avoid land mines then the next is just awful. I constantly walk on eggshells, and get anxiety from thinking about having a conversation with her. She tells me about the money she sends my son for college after ignoring him when he went away to school for a semester and could have used the help. She won’t fill me in on how to deal with her estate if she gets sick or dies because if I ask her that means I am only after her money. My dad left their affairs a shambles and I never heard the end of it but she is ok with leaving me in the dark as I am the executor (or so she has said. That could have changed like it has before and she made a non family member who helps her on occasion the executor). I have been in therapy, counseling, coaching. It’s fine for a while then after a period that she has frozen me out because of an argument I wave the white flag -the dutiful daughter checks in on her because it’s the kind thing to do -and we are off and running again. I envision her having her house broken into, or the awful woman who helps her occasionally, who cannot be trusted, taking advantage of her. (They fight all the time too and my mother calls me to vent after every fight.) I worry about her falling and being severely injured or dying and what will happen with her poor little dog? She is an elderly woman alone who has some money and people take advantage of that. This has gone on for so long and I left home at a young age because both of my parents were rude, critical and judgmental. But after having my son we started seeing more of each other because of him being their grandchild. Then too much time, familiarity and contact. I have the best husband, most wonderful son, finally a really good relationship with my sister and really close friends. And I still care too much about our abusive mother. Like another poster said my sister and I feel we will never have any real peace until she is gone. What an awful thing to have to admit. My sister and I both have PTSD because of it. So there it is my story for the world to see. Not a pretty one or one I am proud of. Thanks for the read!