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not at all-and we want to have a fun and happy dy-but this person will be miserable and try tomake it unhappy for all-that's my life every day-if you can exclude her-do it-mine lives with me-she sits in the lounge and just watches me every minute-and my hubby of 29 yrs allows it-so i'm on my own
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Im one of "us" with the mom stuff.........however she has passed, In September 2020........ Here I sit, over a year now and Im seeing all the things that got me where I am today. How the shudda, woudda coulda- all rises to the top, more damage done than even I expected- and I knew I was a friggin train wreck!

Shortly after she passed, my husband took a stroke- vascular dementia- and I am struggling to be the best I can be for him; somedays I just cant take the drooling, garbled words and I feel awful saying thing like-" I missed that, try again"
Im trying to maintain his dignity, treat him as a respected husband still love him, discuss things as husbands and wives do..... Im loosing it.
Sometimes I wonder if the mom issues just knocked the stuffin's out of me and I have less to work with for him, like tolerance-the drooling sends me out of my mind. I know better and I cant seem to work past it.

Ok, so those are todays issues, but for you that are still dealing with mom or dad....please, dont wait til their death put an end to this. If you carried what I carried, Im suggesting you start now- the healing process- have something left over either for you or whatever else get brought your way.

She used to refer to me as the "Blood clot that learned to walk and talk". Or" the worst miscarriage she ever had-she survived". All those little terms of hers are silent now, but not in my head. Still can hear them, still remember when and where she would toss out those phrases.....and on days Im sinking caring for my husband.....here they come again..... Dont wait for the parents to pass-dont let their labels become who you are as I did. Cuz in my situation now, granted Im not called a little b****, stupid b****, Gods garbage 24/7 like before yet when I cant seem to help my husband, all that is loud and clear.

I will say this for the first time publicly-here and now- I am 64 yrs old and I have no true sense of who I am. Nothing. I live from sun up to sun down, nothing in between. Im realizing now, how over the years and demands became constant, coudnt tell you the last movie I went to, last time I danced, used to decorate for holidays, bake, crochet, curled my hair or put on make up- my nails are now short and unpolished, refinished a piece of furniture....its all gone. As the years got worse, I dropped pieces of me, all over the roads traveled and today....there is nothing left to give up. Covid took the job-stroke took my husband; both I loved A LOT! Only time I leave the house is grocery's or doctor appointments.

Please read this and understand it doesnt end with the person ripping you up passing away. Get out now, while you can, any way you can for as long as you can. For me, it was so beat into me that now there is even less of me to care for him and yup, the guilt on that one.
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struggling1, your post moved me to tears. You are so right with what you say, every word of it. I just wanted to tell you that and to send you a BIG HUG today and let you know that your words resonated with me. Wishing you the best of luck with everything you have on your plate, and the courage to learn to love yourself again b/c you are WORTH IT, regardless of the garbage your mother fed to you all those years.
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Wow, I feel like I could have wrote this. I got online and searched my mothers "symptoms", that I'm having trouble with, and this popped up. My mother was very abusive and then abandoned me, but resorts to being emotional if she has to think about herself- she's just hateful. Is this narcissistic?
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Reading through some of these posts is very sad. I had never known that elderly become so cranky and rude. Am used to movies with loving grandparents, etc in them. Reality is quite different and most of us are just not ready for it.
Am in my 60's as a Caregiver and am learning that part of the deal is being mocked daily, and being told to shut up when I speak my opinion.
It has been a very hard lesson, and I'm learning that being nice and helpful & caring - and giving up my life to help my Mom is simply not appreciated at all.
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Thank you for sharing such heartfelt emotions. I am the only remaining child of parents who were abusive to both me and my now deceased older brother. I would recommend that you look at the work of Alice Miller, The Body Never Forgets, and The Drama of the Gifted Child--there are others titles, too. Your depression may be caused by early memories and experiences and hurtfulness in growing up with an intolerable person. I have two parents who are 98 and 97 who live at home with a part-time caretaker. This holiday I am spending with loving and kind friends and family--I need a mental health break away from the toxicity of their home. You are not alone--put the guilt in a package, place it on a boat, and sail it down a river--say good-bye, and fill your life with goodness and grace--don't allow her to cause further harm to you and your children. Step away and take a break--she will be fine without you--she can do so much harm to your physical and mental health--protect your life and your health. I am 65 and am determined to live a stress-free, guilt-free happy life and wish the same for you--find the motivation and determination to make it happen. It's hard work, but you can do it--set yourself free. Good Luck--
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You will regret everything you have just said one day, just wait! When she is gone, it will hit you like a ton of bricks!
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No you are not alone.. I am in a somewhat similar situatuion, but I have went no contact.
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Totally identify with you. My mom is the same. Am shamed to be her daughter. Toxic women likes these should not be mothers. They do nothing but harm others mentally and physically with their abuse. Build your own life and let them be with their own misery and anger.
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You're preaching to the choir. We all hear you and know how that it.
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dear saddaughter,

hug!! :)
courage!
i hope you found a good way to protect yourself.

you wrote
“Toxic women likes these should not be mothers.”

but you’re happy you’re alive.

so you don’t mean that your mother should never have given birth. nor do i think you mean your mother should have left her children, so her children could be adopted.

——
wonderful parents sometimes give birth to awful adults.

awful parents sometimes give birth to wonderful adults.

—
as much as possible try to heal from past abuse.

protect yourself from current abuse.

—

hugs!!! :)
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Right there with you, word for word. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I am right there with you. My mother is a very unhappy and bitter person. Has been all her life. I cannot remember a moment where she was happy. Pleasing her parents (my grandparents)who were extremely overbearing, was her life’s goal to the expense of my father, myself and my siblings. She demanded the same from us. I grew to resent being at family gatherings. I moved away to escape their control. The relationship with my mother has sent me into therapy for anxiety and depression for several years. My mother is a very controlling person and she has driven away many friends. Her dementia makes her behaviour even worse. Don’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You have every right to have a happy holiday with your family.
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Hey Treading water, lose the guilt. I have a 96 year old narcissistic father and I am an only child. He has always been a miserable ugly horrible person that I have put up with all of my life. I have no back up taking care of this old narcissist and he resists any kind of help from anyone. The theory that elder parents are only nasty to the ones closest to them is not necessarily true. This old man is nasty to everyone and anyone. I pray everyday for his death and when that happens I will be free and there will be a big party. LOL. Sounds like your mom is made from the same cloth. She is in a facility where she is cared for? Let them do their job and stay away as much as possible. Live your best life. Your mother is at the end of her life and you have so much more to live for. Enjoy your Christmas without her and don't even give her a thought. It's ok not to like or even love your mother. Forgive her for whatever she has done and move on. She is never going to change so let all the guilt go and get on with a wonderful life with your children. Hey how did you get her into assisted living? My next challenge.
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I am also guilt ridden about my dad. He has dementia and had health issues and he lived with me for 4 months while i helped to get his health stable. I had to go part time from full time work in order to care for him. It was my intention to keep him with me but he has since had a leg amputation due to a diabetic foot wound. His dementia and his amputation together has made it impossible for me to care for him and run my business and care for my kids. I just can't be everywhere and do everything. My dad has always been a loner, (not particularly family oriented), controlling, critical, and demanding. He went into a rehab facility that is about 20 min away from me after his amputation and I have decided to transition him to the nursing home side of the facility. He now calls and emails me constantly to come and get him out of there. He says he feels anxious when I'm not around and he wants home cooked meals and to stay at my house. At first I jumped at every call because I feel guilty not having him here. But I started to just get more resentful and exhausted and my kids and work had to take a backseat to his needs. I was visiting every weekend and/or bringing him to my house every weekend. But now I don't jump every time he calls and I go about every 2- weeks. I have constant guilt because I know it's not his fault that he has dementia and he feels frustrated to only have one leg. The guilt is always nagging away at me. But I do have to say that my life has simplified somewhat and I know that my dad is safe and well care for where he is. I think you have to think about YOU and your kids and your sanity! You can't continue to futilely try to please or appease her. You can call her now and then, send a gift, send flowers, write her a personal note. But you don't have to have her at your home and be "tortured" anymore! That's not your duty or your obligation. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your family.
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I am in the same boat. My mom is a narcissist and I am the last man standing; she has alienated everyone else. She has a problem with everyone yet needs to be in the center of attention and typically gets there by being nasty, confrontational and provocative. I grew up with her constantly not speaking to me unless I was doing something that made her feel good about herself. As I result, I suffered trauma and have anxiety to this day at 53. I have kids of my own and a loving husband. When my Dad died 5 years ago she became even more awful with verbal abuse, always seeking attention at others expense. Despite the abuse directed at me, I have stood by her due to guilt, and it has caused me a lot of angst. Now she is exhibiting signs of dementia, she is drinking too much, and she is full of hateful speech. I live in complete fear that I am going to end up taking care of her and being exposed to her nastiness on a daily basis. Her words still cut right through me. It really helps to hear people say that it doesn’t have to be my obligation, because that provides some empowerment and hope.
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I Can 100% totally relate to you. My mom has always been miserable, angry, nasty, unself-aware, scary, ans selfish since my sister and I were born and it's only getting worse. She cares only about herself and is extremely rude, manipulative, and downright evil. My sister and I are sick and tired of the abuse she puts us through and really want nothing to do with her. All she brings is misery and strife into our lives and she has absolutely no concern about the horrible thing she says to us and other people. She can't go even 1 minute without saying something rude negative or inflammatory and yet she thinks she's the victim. She treats people like garbage then doesn't understand why they don't want to spend time with her. She alienates all the family members and then tries to place the guilt back on everybody else. It's just exhausting and too much drama talking to a 74-year-old who only cares about herself. She said before she never should have had children. Growing up I was scared to death of her she was mean and her punishments were very brutal. Growing up with someone like that has not had a positive impact on my life. My sister and I wish that she would just leave us alone. When she's not talking to one of us she starts hysterically calling the other one and expects that one to be her therapist. Both of her parents lived to be 99 and 98 and were equally as miserable and evil. My sister and I cannot deal with her for 20 more years!! She has already done enough damage to both of us and runs off any new friends she makes. I can't imagine what it's like to have a kind and loving mother, who is warm, thoughtful and loving. You are not alone.
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dear jpmermaid,
:)

nice name :).
hug and empathy to you!! :)

many of us are dealing with mean elderly mothers and fathers. mean mothers, more common. (i think the mothers often had a more dissatisfying life, than their husbands).

and - mean mothers are very jealous of their daughters.
-you’re a woman
-you’re younger

some fathers, similarly, are jealous of their sons.

some mean mothers are mean to their sons (more rare). and some mean fathers are mean to their daughters (also, more rare).

——
you wrote:
“She can't go even 1 minute without saying something rude negative or inflammatory and yet she thinks she's the victim. She treats people like garbage then doesn't understand why they don't want to spend time with her.”

nooo. she understands.
she’s playing dumb.

insulting/being mean/playing the victim/playing dumb/lying…it’s all part of it.

and everywhere in the world, these mean people do the same thing. it’s the same pattern.

it’s not an illness. they’re mean and have targeted their targets the whole life.

ill people target everyone.

mean people target specific people, and often behave a bit better when there are non-family witnesses present. they’ll be a bit less mean.

——
solution?

no matter how much grey rock you do, etc, trying not to feel pain…
careful: the abuse/torture/hell IS DAMAGING YOU.

it’s not just about the mean words the person says.

the torture is stealing your time/energy/nice opportunities, experiences you don’t realize you’re missing.

protect yourself.
reduce contact :).

clear your mind.
heal your hurt/justified anger/stress.
find solutions.

———
what’s the aim of these mean people?
to make you as stressed as possible.
constant state of stress.

why?
you’re younger
they’re jealous

———
they want you to argue.

———
in order for us human beings to feel happy, peaceful, we need no arguing around us.

they don’t want that.

———
i wish us well!!

———
hugs!!! :)

i wish us all a wonderful soon xmas!!! :) :) :) :)

bundle of joy :)
(10)
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All those unpleasant memories about dealing with your mother in the past, should have been discarded in the garbage many decades ago. Now, your mother is medically and legally incompetent. Her sayings should no longer be taken seriously. Furthermore, she probably has forgotten the way she treated you. It is you the one who won't let those bad memories go. You should disqualify yourself as a care giver to your mother, because you're biased and it will cause more harm than good.
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Sounds like most of us experience one parent or in law who is like this in our lifetime. One thing that we just experienced is she died. She was always telling people how to live and what to do. If you only did this or that you would be acceptable. Now she is gone. There were times I wanted to cut contact off entirely. Now I see that being miserable her whole life and while dying was a horrible way to experience life and to punish her further by not speaking to her would only hurt me and perhaps teach my children that if I got old and mean they might do the same to me. This is a sad reality however, talk to your children about how they would feel. I turned out to see my grandmother as a wonderful lady. Being her favorite thought she treated everyone the same but unfortunately not the case. Ask anyone outside of the family and this woman was wonderful sweet and kind. So sad we didn't get to see that side of her that often. Time is so short and we don't know when someone is no longer here. Of course people have to do. what is right for them. If someone is directly abusing you that isn't acceptable unless they are experiencing mood disorders from a medical condition.
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I can relate.
It's taken me 62 years to realize that all the strife in this family has been created by my own mother. Some people will do everything to get the worse out of other people and then act the victim. This is typical narcissistic entitlement personality. And I'm afraid that their nastiness and horrible personality just gets worse with dementia patients. I have learned to ignore it through years of counseling and realizing that I have two choices: (1) let their hatred and evil personality affect me, or (2) decide to live my life and learn the wonderful things about myself and I am good just the way I am.

In the end, the hatred and evil they have inside is going to take them from this world. But you choose to live for yourself and take care of yourself. You are fearfully and wonderfully made already. Surround yourself with positive people and new experiences.

Choose yourself first.
If she dies being miserable, that was her choice; not yours.
I hope in some small way this may help you. I really do because I know the pain is real. I have lived it. But I thank God for putting good people in my life to help me to enjoy myself. Just the way I am.
(10)
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Boy of boy do I get it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
My 96 year old mother has lived with me for the last year and a half. I am 68 years old. Try as I might to let the things she does and says just roll off, I can't. It feels like being tortured and put to death by a thousand pin pricks. She is narcissistic and manipulative. She never acknowledges that things she says can be hurtful to others - she says they are too sensitive. I have tried to express my feelings to her but have learned it does no good so I just clam up and stop talking to her. Sadly, I don't enjoy her company so work at distancing myself from her mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It feels like the only way to save myself but fear I may become an empty shell.
As a young girl, I was not necesarily close to her - I now am getting a clearer picture of why.
You are not a selfish person. The feelings we have towards our mothers are not comfortable so I think we try to push them down because they make us feel guilty and selfish. I was once told that guilt is resentment turned inward. There may be some truth to that.
Do what you can to be true to yourself. Do what you can to have whatever relationship with your mother that works for you. One of my worries is that when mom is gone, I will feel guilty for any unkind ways I treated her. I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and know I did the best I could in a very difficult situation.
Take care and know you are not alone. There are many of us in the same boat. This is a wonderful site to come for comfort, advice, or even to vent.
God Bless you.
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Then why visit. She's in AL and as you describe in a good place. You have the same experience I had with my so-called dad. He died in a NH age 64, I was 23. After I helped get him into a NH (strokes from being a life long drunk and abusing his body), I never went to visit once he was settled in. After taking his abuse from as early as I could remember, I felt like I did what was expected of me and I was done with it. I attended his funeral to be with my Mother and for no other reason. We had made arrangements for his funeral/burial. If my Mom hadn't been able to attend for some reason, I wouldn't have bothered with the 3 hour drive to attend. Reap what you sow, its a fact. I did what was expected of family and it was done. Can you relate? You have fulfilled your obligation as family and at age 60, its time to move on from lifetime of bad memories. Make final arrangements for when the time comes. Its more than a lot of people get for their exit.
(5)
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Walk away and don’t look back. Free yourself or the negative energy she obviously exudes. If she’s in a facility then at least she’s safe. You and your family deserve to make your own wonderful happy memories without the guilt or shadow of hate and unhappiness your mother ladens you with. I had a similar situation with my own family member, once I walked away, I felt free and happy. Do it; at 60 yo, you need to free yourself for the sake of your family. Start making new memories today! Best wishes.
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Of no help to you, but after putting my mother in a lovely LTC facility and after dealing with her constant arguing & yelling that she didn't belong there (this after letting my brother die and living with his corpse for 3 days), want to know what happened next?

Pandemic Quarantine!!!

I could not visit her, which meant I did not have to visit her.
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@TChamp Funny that the child could not disqualify from the hateful, abusive mother.
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I don’t think you should feel guilty at all. I do think your mom should get a short visit on Christmas Day where she lives and an honest reason why you aren’t taking her to your home. Your family has tolerated this long enough.
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Hatred and the subsequent guilt are feelings you don’t have to act on or explain.
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If she's in assisted living, that is her home now. I had an aunt in Assisted Living, and the staff had planned parties etc...
Let her find some friends or companions to keep her company. Send her cards and letters to brighten her day (without you being present). That will alleviate your guilt.
I've always heard that an empty glass can't pour water. Give your self rest, know that you mother has to receive what good people give her, and she doesn't. That's on her.
You are my age and we were raised to love everybody and turn the other cheek. A careful study of the scriptures showed me this (through a good friend). If being around her causes you to sin, then you have to guard your heart. God tells us if something makes us weak, then to avoid it, and in that way, keep peace. Send sweet cards, call now and then, and hang up.
For me, I will never forgetthe day I hung up with my stepmother (like your mom - she used to write me long letters telling me what a rotton mother I was), and I was crying or agitated. My husband noticed. I told him, I love her, but I refuse to let her control me anymore. I forgive her (which releases me), but that doesn't mean I have to be responsible for making her happy. It's very freeing.
At the end of the day, you have honored her the best you could, and you should sleep well at night knowing that. God bless you, and it's hard. But, you can do it.
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First rule is protect yourself. You are no good to anyone in this world if she destroys you and your joy.
It took me 50 years of marriage to a covert narcissist to come to the conclusion that I could not teach him how to love by loving him. Quite to the contrary, the more I loved him the worse he treated me. I was trained by my mother who was very similar to him, so my whole life I have been destroyed by jealous people. The more they tortured me, the more I needs validation, so I threw myself into my work, and my hobbies. As a result, I became more successful which only made things worse. I waited the 50 years of marriage for my husband to "get it". And now, he has Parkinson's and the perfect excuse to control everyone. He makes it look like he can not care for himself (I do not believe this is true). He started falling down the steps (due to abuse of painkillers I found out after the fact). As a result, as a temporary solution I hired 24/7 caregivers (very expensive). I realized at that point, if I accepted responsibility for him, he still will never "get it", and I have sentenced myself to the rest of my life as his slave. I filed for divorce because he is going to keep caregivers, refuses to go to Assisted Living, until he uses up all his savings. At that point, I realize his wife (me) would have to pay his expenses, thus using up all my savings, leaving me with nothing for when I can no longer care for myself. My kids see only the fake dad, the perfect one, making me look like the evil person. I have lost them, we still see each other, but it is very strained. My advice to you, go no contact. She will destroy you. You deserve better. You will feel the weight is lifted off of you. Don't feel guilty. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about. Send cards, and call. Don't go. It is easy to hang up (for the doorbell, or any other excuse) and cards are no contact. Take care of YOU. Someone told me, this is your only life, it is not a dress rehearsal. That is very profound. You only get one life, make it count!
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