She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Whats worked best for us is to limit our visits to once or twice a month. Dad lives in a AL 3 hours away. He refuses to move to be closer to my brother and I and then tells anyone who will listen we are terrible kids who only want his money and to control his life (and that’s the nicer of the things he tells people). I call him once a week and when the conversation ultimately goes awry I tell him it’s time for me to go. At this point there isn’t any hope of changing them or their personality. Guilt is an emotion you have to work through but you can limit the time
you spend feeling guilty. Focus on the people and things that make you happy and spend your time with them. You will NEVER make her happy. She has mastered the art of manipulating you and it’s up to you to stop it and preserve your own happiness ( I know…Easier said than done but not impossible).
BIG HUGS to you. 💕
I hate the sight or sound of her. It makes me feel like such a very bad person, but how else could I feel about her? and this makes me feel like such a piece of s*** human being as I am her spawn .... :(
Get out of there! If your mom is telling her that God is not pleased with your care of her, that is a lie. God is not your problem. Stand up for yourself, leave and ask God for help and strength. Sounds like your mom groomed you perfectly for this abuse and even used God to shut her case closed. Break out! Leave! Let her sleep in the bed she has made!
I ask these things because the answer would depend on knowing these things. We are a product of our "perception" of our experiences. Yet we as adults have choices,no matter what experiences we have. You have all the right in the world to choose to disconnect from your mother. I suspect she would not miss you much because she has plenty around to abuse.Your kids and the grands deserve the best life and it sounds like everyone will carry emotional scars due to her tyrancy. You can always just go visit her, bring a gift, stay 10 minutes, if that eases any guilt and any other family member that has a need to see her can do the same. No need bringing her to the family. Let anyone that needs to, go visit her.. She has made her own bed she can sleep in it by herself. ~God Bless
hug!!
unfortunate you feel at home here.
sending big hugs to you, with all you’re going through!
bundle of joy
it’s unfortunate because:
it’s already so stressful (the emergency/whatever you’re dealing with)
…and then there’s the additional, totally unnecessary stress from difficult LOs on top of that.
i wonder if almost 100% of difficult LOs (sound mind) never took care of their own elderly parents (because they died young/whatever reason).
and,
unfortunately,
these difficult LOs feel good when they dump stress on you — so from their point of view it’s “necessary” to dump it on you.
very unkind.
totally undeserved.
i send compassion AND i hope anyone in this situation has a lot of luck in finding good solutions.
hug!!!
wishing us all a great weekend!!! :) :)
bundle of joy :)
and please be careful:
we all know it, but we must remind ourselves.
difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress
----time lost, having to move like a ninja through all the attacks
----opportunities you don't EVEN REALIZE you've lost, because you're very busy dealing with attacks.
hug!!
I know mine was. She has no regard for others. I truly understand your anger your frustration and your hurt. Yes it hurts a lot...
I need to vent!
I’ve been totally depressed for a day, not really understanding why — until I realized again, it’s because I was yelled at all day yesterday by my abusive elderly mother.
I was helping her. It was necessary help.
When I get depressed I sleep (to try to escape). I eat bad food all day. It’s like I self-destruct. I guess the junk food is comforting.
I need to scream.
(I’m very calm, friendly when I speak to her).
My mother has been abusive to me my whole life. And like many adult children, suddenly we’re helping our abusive parent.
This will go on for years.
It’s destroying my mind (stress). And I can’t work properly, because after helping her, I have to recover from the abuse.
I know many people are in exactly the same situation as me.
She’ll continue forever.
She treats my brother very well. He does nothing to help. I know it’s a common scenario.
All of us with good hearts, wanting to be kind to our parents (even when they’re abusive)…
I need to find a way to stop being attacked.
Dear Bundleofjoy,
Below you wrote:
“difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress
----time lost”
That’s exactly how I feel.
I must find a way out.
I feel your pain. I've experienced something so similar, and this is what I've learnt:
1-NEVER FEEL GUILTY!
You are a good person and you're doing your best. To prove what I'm saying, just look on how guilty you're feeling! This proves that you truly do care for your mom, [and deep, deep down, perhaps, you also love her. Just for the fact that she brought you to life.] And this is despite the fact that all she caused you in your life is abuse, anguish, and pain. Therefore, you have nothing to feel guilty about, the problem is all hers. Whatever you're doing, is to be admired.
2-DON'T CUT OFF WITH HER, SHE'S YOUR MOM - but do make sure to CREATE BOUNDARIES, and to PROTECT YOURSELF and YOUR FAMILY.
This can be accomplished by speaking to a smart person who can advise you when you should or shouldn't visit or bring home your mom. And perhaps a good therapist can teach you how to be totally indifferent, and remain calm and happy at the times you are with her.
3-LIFE IS CREATED TO ENJOY, AND AT THE SAME TIME, LIFE IS FULL OF CHALLENGES. the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!
Good luck to all of you!
Belle
“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!”
Very positive attitude! I love it!
And I’ll try this:
“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge.”
Searching for the perfect way :).
THANK YOU.
My life is much better without them but it’s very hurtful to reflect on it.
I’m trying to follow Belle’s advice (in particular point 3).
It’s weird (and I think it might be true for many of us) :
I’m much better at being kind to others, than myself — in the sense that:
My mother’s problems are (objectively) very urgent. So I try to help right away.
But this goes on and on…
And my life goes down and down, because literally there are few minutes left for me in the day.
My day is spent:
-recovering from the abuse
-helping with urgent problems
-trying to work
I’ll try to make a major change.
My problems are just as urgent.
This will sound weird:
but I’ll have to imagine I’m someone else (a friend), and I urgently must help my friend.
Empathy to you all & I hope everyone finds a great, positive (for yourself) path forward!
put yourself first.
don’t allow anyone to drown you.
your life is just as precious.
Oh! You're just on the right path.... you're on the way to finding the perfect way to tackle your challenge! CONGRATS TO YOU! Ten points, Venting!
And your idea is not so weird at all! It's a great skill. [Well, at least that's my way of viewing it.]
Keep up your work of caring for yourself, and creating healthy boundaries. [I would recommend you read the book THE BOUNDARY IS YOU. It's very helpful in building a healthy self, caring for yourself, and that automatically leads to being able to help other people without destroying your own life and freedom.]
You are a great person. Believe me, it will come a time that you'll reflect on yourself and say: OMG! I've become such a happy, healthy person. Thank you God for sending me this challenge.
Take it from me, Venting!
Best wishes!
Love ya,
Belle