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Guilt has been defined as good intentions we never had. What makes you feel obligated to invite her to holiday celebrations when it results in you and your children becoming miserable? You have provided your mom with a quality assisted living facility; that meets your obligation to her. Now attend to your obligations to yourself and your children. Without telling her why you’re putting some distance between you and your mom - such a discussion will only result in a fruitless argument- just gradually decrease your visits and stop ruining holidays by inviting her. This may not change her behavior but will show your children that their happiness is a priority. And your happiness, too.
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You are not alone. I so understand how you feel, particularly about how your children try so hard to help you in an impossible situation. Many people will say to you "oh she is old, it's just her age". Just know that many of us understand that she was always that way. If you can find a way to shake off the guilt, do it. You have done your part. I know it isn't easy. Just know that there are many of us who feel as you do. xxx
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I feel your “pain.” My sibling and I are in the same position but with our father.
Whats worked best for us is to limit our visits to once or twice a month. Dad lives in a AL 3 hours away. He refuses to move to be closer to my brother and I and then tells anyone who will listen we are terrible kids who only want his money and to control his life (and that’s the nicer of the things he tells people). I call him once a week and when the conversation ultimately goes awry I tell him it’s time for me to go. At this point there isn’t any hope of changing them or their personality. Guilt is an emotion you have to work through but you can limit the time
you spend feeling guilty. Focus on the people and things that make you happy and spend your time with them. You will NEVER make her happy. She has mastered the art of manipulating you and it’s up to you to stop it and preserve your own happiness ( I know…Easier said than done but not impossible).
BIG HUGS to you. 💕
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Admins: Imho, perhaps this discussion should be closed for comments as it's over a decade old.
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Given who and what she is/was, why on earth would YOU feel any guilt regarding her. She should feel guilty. People may have your blood but if they behave in ways that hurt and harm others, no one owes them anything - NOTHING. Immediately totally remove her from anything involving you or your family - she will destroy it all. Tell her there are boundaries and they are effective at once and you will do whatever it takes to put a stop to the problems she causes. Stay away from her and no matter how hard it is, find a way to place her or get a caretaker - DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH HER IN ANY WAY. Live your life so it makes you happy and just forget about her. People like this are NOT worth it and you must move on. NOW.
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My mom is similar. I pray every day she does not get kicked out of eldercare. I only realized 18 months ago my mom is a narcissist, I'm 65 now. Lots of info on line. All of us kids have stepped back, way back. Since my dad's death 3 years ago mom started takin all her wrath out on me. Thankfully her dementia is to the point that she can easily call me. I feel no guilt what so ever about not being at her beck and call now that I understand.
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my mother was kicked out of a nursing home (really? yes)
I hate the sight or sound of her. It makes me feel like such a very bad person, but how else could I feel about her? and this makes me feel like such a piece of s*** human being as I am her spawn .... :(
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I think we need a club for the unfortunate children of the narcissists out there - it 's a pretty big club. Sadly, I am now 66 years old and my mother is now looking for me and my husband to take care of her!
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OMG I feel your pain!
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My mom same way. It pushes me away and i feel guilty as hell. Nothing i mean nothing is good enough. She never says Thank you. She tries to treat me like a child. She knows everything and me nothing. She lies drinks and smokes pot. I do not like the person she has become and cant stand to go around her anymore, but i have to because my siblings wont do anything. She really wasn't the best mom as a child. I had a real messed up childhood, but i stuck by her all the way. I cant no more and i know God is not pleased in any way and i have a real hard time dealing with that. I am lost sad and confused
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Tammyslancione,

Get out of there! If your mom is telling her that God is not pleased with your care of her, that is a lie. God is not your problem. Stand up for yourself, leave and ask God for help and strength. Sounds like your mom groomed you perfectly for this abuse and even used God to shut her case closed. Break out! Leave! Let her sleep in the bed she has made!
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I was blessed with the best parents and never had this issue. I am curious to know if anyone has ever tried to get your mom to see how her negativity is affecting those around her, like when she was a younger mother.? How did your father hold up? Did she have siblings? Do you know anything about her childhood and her mother?
I ask these things because the answer would depend on knowing these things. We are a product of our "perception" of our experiences. Yet we as adults have choices,no matter what experiences we have. You have all the right in the world to choose to disconnect from your mother. I suspect she would not miss you much because she has plenty around to abuse.Your kids and the grands deserve the best life and it sounds like everyone will carry emotional scars due to her tyrancy. You can always just go visit her, bring a gift, stay 10 minutes, if that eases any guilt and any other family member that has a need to see her can do the same. No need bringing her to the family. Let anyone that needs to, go visit her.. She has made her own bed she can sleep in it by herself. ~God Bless
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87 year old mom is a narcissist. I moved her into a memory care but she is still verbally abusive to other patients and the staff. It is so difficult to visit her because she is so mean and nasty. Before my sister died I was no contact but I am all the family she has now. Just the thought of a short visit causes anxiety and nauseousness.
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Is your Mom, my Mom?! LOL. It is truly bc of this forum that I have been able to put boundaries in place. You are not alone! <3 My Father just passed. He was not allowed to pass at home. Leading up to the Holidays, I set in place that we would celebrate Holidays with her during the Holiday season, so I could protect the actual day for my grown Kids & their other relatives. I will probs forever feel guilty for implementing this, but I must preserve my sanity. Smartest thing I ever did. Spent 1 day, every 5 days with her month of Dec. Years of her Alcoholism during my MS & HS yrs, replaced by mental illnesses: manic years followed by NPD & either BP or Borderline...coupled w/pathological lying. I will continue to be there for her every week until the end of time (2 hrs away) but boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...... Hard enough as is. I do not have her to my home, anymore. I see life as glass 1/2 full to overflowing. She is the complete opposite. Yells non stop. Criticizes non stop... YOU are entitled to have life for yourself & with your children & other family & friends. Hold firm & change it up for future holidays, etc... Glad you posted. Seriously, I could have written this.
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Wow, I feel at home here.
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dear veez,

hug!!
unfortunate you feel at home here.

sending big hugs to you, with all you’re going through!

bundle of joy
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More guilt for no reason.
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just a general comment here for people dealing with difficult/impossible elderly LOs (sound mind).

it’s unfortunate because:

it’s already so stressful (the emergency/whatever you’re dealing with)

…and then there’s the additional, totally unnecessary stress from difficult LOs on top of that.

i wonder if almost 100% of difficult LOs (sound mind) never took care of their own elderly parents (because they died young/whatever reason).

and,
unfortunately,

these difficult LOs feel good when they dump stress on you — so from their point of view it’s “necessary” to dump it on you.

very unkind.
totally undeserved.

i send compassion AND i hope anyone in this situation has a lot of luck in finding good solutions.

hug!!!

wishing us all a great weekend!!! :) :)

bundle of joy :)
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adding to my comment below :)

and please be careful:

we all know it, but we must remind ourselves.

difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress

----time lost, having to move like a ninja through all the attacks

----opportunities you don't EVEN REALIZE you've lost, because you're very busy dealing with attacks.

hug!!
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No you are not alone. Your story is very familiar.
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Do not feel guilty. I would imagine she was like that all through your childhood.
I know mine was. She has no regard for others. I truly understand your anger your frustration and your hurt. Yes it hurts a lot...
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Heart-felt empathy from me to everyone with abusive parents.

I need to vent!

I’ve been totally depressed for a day, not really understanding why — until I realized again, it’s because I was yelled at all day yesterday by my abusive elderly mother.

I was helping her. It was necessary help.

When I get depressed I sleep (to try to escape). I eat bad food all day. It’s like I self-destruct. I guess the junk food is comforting.

I need to scream.

(I’m very calm, friendly when I speak to her).

My mother has been abusive to me my whole life. And like many adult children, suddenly we’re helping our abusive parent.

This will go on for years.

It’s destroying my mind (stress). And I can’t work properly, because after helping her, I have to recover from the abuse.

I know many people are in exactly the same situation as me.

She’ll continue forever.

She treats my brother very well. He does nothing to help. I know it’s a common scenario.

All of us with good hearts, wanting to be kind to our parents (even when they’re abusive)…

I need to find a way to stop being attacked.

Dear Bundleofjoy,

Below you wrote:

“difficult people will affect you, no matter how hard you try to be unaffected.
----physical symptoms/stress
----mental symptoms/stress
----time lost”

That’s exactly how I feel.
I must find a way out.
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hugs, venting!! please find a way!!
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Hi Treading water, and to all who are in her shoes.
I feel your pain. I've experienced something so similar, and this is what I've learnt:

1-NEVER FEEL GUILTY!
You are a good person and you're doing your best. To prove what I'm saying, just look on how guilty you're feeling! This proves that you truly do care for your mom, [and deep, deep down, perhaps, you also love her. Just for the fact that she brought you to life.] And this is despite the fact that all she caused you in your life is abuse, anguish, and pain. Therefore, you have nothing to feel guilty about, the problem is all hers. Whatever you're doing, is to be admired.

2-DON'T CUT OFF WITH HER, SHE'S YOUR MOM - but do make sure to CREATE BOUNDARIES, and to PROTECT YOURSELF and YOUR FAMILY.
This can be accomplished by speaking to a smart person who can advise you when you should or shouldn't visit or bring home your mom. And perhaps a good therapist can teach you how to be totally indifferent, and remain calm and happy at the times you are with her.

3-LIFE IS CREATED TO ENJOY, AND AT THE SAME TIME, LIFE IS FULL OF CHALLENGES. the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!

Good luck to all of you!
Belle
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Very kind, Belle, thank you!!

“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge. And when you overcome a challenge, you become a better and healthier person. AND THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF LIFE!”

Very positive attitude! I love it!

And I’ll try this:
“the good news is, though, that there is a perfect way to tackle each challenge.”

Searching for the perfect way :).

THANK YOU.
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I had the worst fight with my mother because she has labeled me as the scapegoat. The golden daughter (my sister) has already discussed Thanksgiving and that just took me over the edge. Who discusses Thanksgiving in March, a narcissist sister who wants to look like she’s more caring then everyone. My mother just instigates and tries to have us turn on each other. I would never do this to my daughter, how I survived is a miracle.

My life is much better without them but it’s very hurtful to reflect on it.
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Lots of empathy to you LizzyFizzy and everyone.

I’m trying to follow Belle’s advice (in particular point 3).

It’s weird (and I think it might be true for many of us) :

I’m much better at being kind to others, than myself — in the sense that:

My mother’s problems are (objectively) very urgent. So I try to help right away.

But this goes on and on…

And my life goes down and down, because literally there are few minutes left for me in the day.

My day is spent:
-recovering from the abuse
-helping with urgent problems
-trying to work

I’ll try to make a major change.

My problems are just as urgent.

This will sound weird:
but I’ll have to imagine I’m someone else (a friend), and I urgently must help my friend.

Empathy to you all & I hope everyone finds a great, positive (for yourself) path forward!
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yes, venting! take care of YOU.

put yourself first.
don’t allow anyone to drown you.

your life is just as precious.
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Hello, Hello, Venting dear!

Oh! You're just on the right path.... you're on the way to finding the perfect way to tackle your challenge! CONGRATS TO YOU! Ten points, Venting!

And your idea is not so weird at all! It's a great skill. [Well, at least that's my way of viewing it.]

Keep up your work of caring for yourself, and creating healthy boundaries. [I would recommend you read the book THE BOUNDARY IS YOU. It's very helpful in building a healthy self, caring for yourself, and that automatically leads to being able to help other people without destroying your own life and freedom.]

You are a great person. Believe me, it will come a time that you'll reflect on yourself and say: OMG! I've become such a happy, healthy person. Thank you God for sending me this challenge.

Take it from me, Venting!

Best wishes!

Love ya,
Belle
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Oh wow! I thought I was alone in this world. I am living with and taking care of my Mother who goes out of her way to make me miserable any chance she gets. She actually believes in her mind that shes doing right. What shes not realizing is im not a prisoner and Im not sentenced to be there. She thinks the ridicule and humiliation of leaving her helpless is going to keep me there. Problem is i deal with the ridicule and humiliation on a daily basis and I am there taking care of her and paying her bills. This woman has put her hands on me in anger and Im done. I dont even care what happens to her anymore. i believe Im going to move out to preserve my health. Every time i hear her voice my chest clenches into knots. The guilt the humiliation the ridicule. fuck it i deal with it anyway.
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