My mom has been a miserable, nasty, and hateful person all her life. As a mother she has dominated every aspect of her children's life.

Reading these last few threads since I posted my last one, I’m nodding in agreement with many of the examples of poor behaviour and the effects they have on us. I stopped inviting my mother to restaurants after suffering years of having to read out the menu in great detail, several times over, because she wouldn’t just use her glasses. This ruined the experience for me as by the time the waiter arrived I’d never had time to decide what I wanted and would just order anything. This all started as soon as I had a baby (basically as soon as someone else needed my attention) so the stress of trying to settle a baby in a restaurant was made 10 times harder because of her attention seeking behaviour. The baby turns 18 next week but in the intervening years my mother has tried to get anyone and everyone who ever came out with us for dinner and who was sitting next to her to read the menu for her - even young children! She would then go through each item in turn and ask for a long description of it before rejecting it and moving on to the next item - so very self centred and ruining the night for everyone else. A few years ago I decided “no more” and she has not been invited out with us since. The liberation I felt was wonderful and although I felt guilty at first, I now know that her behaviour was selfish and unacceptable, not just for me but for everyone else too. Now we can go out and spend time socialising with our friends and family rather than being drawn into focusing solely on one selfish person.
I was also interested to read ExhaustedPiper finding that she goes out less now and spends a lot more time at home. I too found this was happening. I felt a prisoner in my own home but often lacked the energy to make the effort and go out. This was due to feeling overwhelmed and anxious, all brought on by years of my mother’s bad behaviour. I knew I needed to tackle this and so I made a long list of things I enjoy doing or feel a sense of achievement doing (some big, some small, some taking 5 minutes, some several days). Whenever I’m feeling low I pick off something on this list and go and do it, regardless of my mother’s latest demands or behaviour. It might just be a coffee outside, or a 10 minute walk, or seeing a friend, but it does help. I also keep telling myself it’s important and OK to put my own needs ahead of the selfish wants of a self-absorbed person. Remember that whatever you do for a person like this will never be enough, so all you will do is make yourself ill. Put your own needs and health first. Remember that you are a nice, good person who deserves a life of their own and you’re not the villain your mother might have spent years brainwashing you into thinking that’s what you are.

Elaine that competency thing is BS. Your mom is not in her right mind living the way she does, all that unsafe discharge stuff you went through was awful. I would even call it traumatizing.

Keep limiting your contact.

BTW- my mom also acts like an ass in restaurants. She's demanding and always has an attitude with the staff. It's embarrassing. I too stopped going.

Elaine I'm glad your backing off some because I know your mom is a handful and you have recently been through A LOT. I shudder to think of my mom living well into the 90's. In fact that is one reason I know I need to change my situation. My mom is only 76. This could go on for a very long time.

I think of where I was three years ago, and I'm a shell of that person. The only good thing is I am finally to the point that I will take action. Last year I just felt paralyzed.

Has this affected your relationships with others? Just curious because I'm also realizing this constant state of negativity and opening of old wounds has made me isolate. I shield my adult son but he's in another state right now so thankfully I don't think he's been affected. But I don't go out much. My husband is probably sick of having a depressed wife. I don't really talk to my friends about this because they all have normal families and I don't want to complain anyway.

I just need things to change.

I forgot to add on my last post that I called APS on my mother. They told me there was nothing they can do because she is “competent.” She can live any way she wants because she still has her mind. I use to take her out to restaurants every Saturday evening but I don’t anymore since she acted up like a 2 year old in the restaurant. I stopped taking her anywhere back in November. She doesn’t treat her grandchildren or my brother like shit. Only me. Save yourself. Don’t feel guilty putting a LO in a facility. You don’t have to take care of your parents!!! Live your life!! We only have one life to live. That life is NOW!!

Oh wow. How did I miss this thread? I can see why this thread goes back to 2011. So many of us in the same situation. My 95 1/2 year old mother lives alone and is competent. She has her mind but can only walk hanging on to people or with a walker. That being said, she won’t bathe, wash her hair, change her clothes, is a gambling addict who literally gambled all of my fathers money away, AND she is a hoarder like that tv show hoarders. She won’t let anyone in the house except me. She refused assisted living. She won’t even let me help her do anything except take out the trash and mail her bills. She takes call a bus to get her groceries. I haven’t gone no contact yet but I have backed off and see her once a week. I don’t go running over there every time she calls. I don’t go running up to the hospital every time she has a panic attack which was 5 times this month!! I had to step back and tell her NO!!! Save yourself!!! Nobody can do it for you!!! You have to do it for yourself!!You deserve it!!! I don’t even go to the doctors with her anymore, she takes call a bus. The last time I took her to the foot doctor, she handed me an old apt card from 2016 on it. I thought she was giving it to me to throw out, so I threw it out. No she screamed at me to get it out of the garbage. How dare I throw it out!!! She wouldn’t speak to me the rest of the day. Yeah, that was the last time taking her anywhere in my car.

I've written about my narcissistic mother here a lot, and looks like I will be hanging around this thread, because after two years of her living next to me I am at the end of my rope.

Lately I've been obsessing about how I can get out of this. My mom was diagnosed with dementia a year ago. It made her furious and she refuses to acknowledge any of her issues or help herself in any way. She lives alone next to me, and isn't ready for a care home, which she would refuse anyway. Her plan is to live in her condo and rely on me on her terms only.

I'm devising a plan in my mind. As much as I HATE to confront her, I'm gearing up to have a major talk with her. I'm going to tell her she either starts cooperating with me, or I am washing my hands of this entire situation. I have actually talked to my husband about selling OUR place and getting out of here. It's THAT bad. My mental health can not take YEARS of this, and it's shaping up to look like it will be years. I can't do it.

I feel for everyone who has posted on this thread who found themselves in a similar situation.

I would love to walk away but don't think my mum's behaviour is fully bad enough yet to justify it. And she hates paying for care so the guilt would be massive. Plus my husband is her blue-eyed boy/replacement husband, so he doesn't have the problems with her that I do. It would look rather odd if I stopped seeing her and he kept going round.

It's awful but I keep praying that the burden will be lifted somehow, but it's unlikely until she dies, and it seems wrong to ask for that! A care home is a possibility, as she seems to be losing some cognitive abilities - didn't recall how an answerphone works, for example - but she would hate that even more than living in her own flat, and we would still have to visit and put up with the corrosive negativity and nastiness.

I believe mental illness is at play in my circumstance...undiagnosed & untreated. My sister agrees. She was on the receiving end of our mother's issues when she was a child. She's older than me & remembers these things better than me. When she left home I became her target...never my brother. I've read that these types of issues become amplified with old age. It's so true. The incident that caused me to walk away & cut-off all communication was on 02/24/2020....my son's 35th birthday....so I'll always be reminded. My sister has talked to her about this at length last nite...she has absolutely no remorse...takes zero responsibility & is completely indignant. It was a "Come to Jesus Meeting". She laid it all out for her...the years of treating me so badly...like an employee...worse than. Making me her punching bag...but still expecting all of her needs to be met. Anyone who doesn't meet her ridiculous expectations in her timeframe will be met with her nasty unappreciative attitude. I pray she doesn't make my sister her next victim. For anyone taking part in this forum.....please stop & think about how you can walk away from this abuse !!! I'd there is a way out....please try to make it happen. Save yourself....we all gave many years left to try & reclaim our lives. It's not easy...but it will save YOUR life & allow you to find happiness. LET THE GUILT GO !!! I'm here for anyone who needs to talk about this. My sympathy goes out to all :)

It seems to me, from all of these recent posts, that our mothers have spent a lifetime making us believe we are at fault in many ways. This is crushing. I'm in my mid fifties and its taken me until now to realise this and to see that her behaviour is not normal for a mother. I too am now rejecting this notion of being at fault all the time. I am now choosing to give love, kindness and compassion to the people in my life who give it back to me, rather than waste my time on someone who is full of spite and poison. Once again I would urge fellow sufferers to take an honest look at where they are right now and to see if they can start to take even tiny steps towards looking after themselves more. Think about who in your circle of friends/family will be supportive to you, let them know of your problems and see how they can help you. A coffee with a friend or a shopping trip together can help take you out of the bad situation so that you can take a look at your life from another angle. We all deserve love and respect for who we are and to help banish a lifetime of feeling bad about ourselves because of our cruel mothers.

Struggling,

Good for you! It is better to walk away from pain. No sense in sticking around. Even for those of us who tried and tried. It’s on them. Not us. No one has the power to change anyone else.

Hi All,
I have learned to walk away from the situation- literally- I WALKED AWAY- never look back, never went back. The freedom is awesome and I can not tell you what its like to breath again. Sure, she rips me up one side and down the other- fills my voice mails with these long story's about how much she hates me and 15 good reasons why-but there isnt anything I can do when she calls the home phone- I have blocked the cell #.
That said, here the point of my post. I did my home work dealing with her and that meant dealing with me. Who knew at 62 yrs old I had absolutely no clue who the hell I was. I discovered I was raised by someone who was delusional and found my life written on several articles/books/etc about people who are delusional. Now THAT was a stunner. No wonder it was disaster. Look into it, see if you find yourself wandering the pages of being raised by a delusional mind. Weird as it was, now that there is a name to it- it was easier to realize staying away is the right thing to do. I cant help her mind-if she will not allow help. I was just about broke- emotionally and financially trying to find this womans happy button and as much as I knew as such a young child, i wasnt the adult and a lot of this crap wasnt mine to haul around-but i did exactly that. I just picked up whatever garbage she threw and carted it around for decades. To be blunt- now that I know she is delusional I can be done. I look at it as a diagnosis and someone has refused treatment. Her PCP said she can not be forced nor can she be medicated to help, because she has refused. Instead of getting meds on board, she told her PCP I wanted her drugged and out of the picture. Check for yourself- if this helps, happy to share.
Best to all of us
xo

Hi helenb63....Thanks for responding. I know I'm not alone....its just stuns me how many of us there are in this same toxic boat. We need to save ourselves. Mothers like ours only care about themselves....why have children? My only brother passed a little over 5 years ago. The only boy & the baby. He was a good man & left us far too soon. He could handle her...but she wasn't so awful back then. I've always been her target but have ways done the most for her. I was so afraid she would do something heinous at my son's very expensive & wonderful wedding in Charleston SC...2 years this April. She didn't..
Thank God ! But she was a killjoy the whole time. Everything must always be about her...centered on her. It's utterly insane !! Last nite I was driving back from my son's birthday...dark...in the rain...85 miles. I've done it a million times...expressways & Interstates all the way. But...this time I literally snapped on bluetooth with her. I lost my mind on her !! It was scary...but needed. She had to be nasty & sarcastic & hateful when she called my son...to not say Happy Birthday but to take him over the coals for not calling her enough !!! I had had all I could take. Never loose your mind driving 70 miles mph on a busy Interstate. Makes for a scary drive home. That was my breaking point. You will reach yours. It's had a mentally jarring effect on me....but I'll get over it. You have all my sympathy :)

Oh, Aleta1961, we could be twins! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this struggle too. My mother is just like yours, only we think she has cognitive decline as well now, probably caused by sitting around doing nothing but feel sorry for herself for three years. Unlike you, we are too cowardly to tell my mother she shouldn't treat us this way, as we fear even more unpleasantness if we do, and as she acts OK for the medics and objects to paying for care, there isn't really any obvious way for us to get out of the trap we unwittingly fell into. I hate being a Jekyll and Hyde - the apparently docile, caring daughter who screams with frustration and resentment as soon as she's out of mother's earshot!

Hi Aleta1961, sounds like your mother is a bully and you are the target. It took me years to realise this with my own mother. It does look like you recognize this and are looking to distance yourself from the abuse and the burden of care. There are other people in your family as well as health professionals who can help, it's not all your responsibility. Put yourself first, think about your own needs and wants, take some time out to do things that make you happy and don't feel guilty about it. Bullies tend to look for another target when their chosen victim is no longer available for abuse.

Hi Treading Water...I'm new here & I know your post is s few yrs old, but if you still come here for support...oh how you are not alone. My mother has always made a target...all my life. I never understood why she had kids. I guess my dad wanted children. She's been a victim since my dad died many years ago. We feel she's always had a personality disorder...undiagnosed though. She's an ace at ruining every family gathering, holiday, etc....with her constant complaining & pity party regarding her endless & unbearable pain !! All of her issues are directly caused by her. She did nothing but SIT & watch TV for the last 10 years. She's barely mobile with a Rollator & falls way to much. She's headed for a Nursing Home & tells anyone who will listen that it's me that's putting her there !! I do the absolute most for her & she treats me like a punching bag. She lashes out at me whenever she feels like she's being ignored & not the center of attention. I've told her repeatedly that this must stop but to no avail. She never speaks to my sister or my sister-in-law...or anyone like she does me. She's incredibly manipulative & fully cognitive...no apparent issues. She's just miserable & hateful. I've got to save myself. There are others to pick-up my slack. I'll never understand why she hates me so much. My sister seems not to come to my defense at all with her...I guess it's more important to be the "Good Daughter"...& not to be involved in the crazy.

I know there are so many others out three in my shoes. To all of you I say...Save Yourselves !! We have so many more years left. I need to choice happy....We all deserve better. We've do our duty...we've done our best. None of this is our fault.

Susan,
There is an article on here about caring for your loved one with capgrass syndrome. Write that in the questions search box. My Mother thought there were 2 of me for awhile in mid stage Alzheimer's. She also would see people in her house occasionally that were not there. This stage passed after maybe 4 or 5 months for her. She is on year 11 now and still walks, talks and eats just fine. Her diagnosis is Alzheimer's with mixed demtia. Maybe a little Lewy in there too. It's a crazy ride.

Hi All. What the heck do you do when your elder refuses to be seen by a primary care doc who gives the referral and then the geriatric specialist who can asses her dementia! She gets really angry, says there's nothing wrong with her, says she sleeps fine, etc. One of her issues is she believes there are three of me. She repeatedly asks about the other Susan's. For my brother she asks about Richard, my father, and George, my Dad's brother. My Dad passed already and we never see George due to family estrangement. I would like to hear from anyone else that has to deal with this Capgras Syndrome or Imposters Syndrome as I believe it's also called.

Don't feel guilty!! She's in a good place that will take care of her. There is no law that says you have to have her for ANY holiday...or that you have to visit. ..if someone complains that grandma isn't there, they can go visit her. My mom was the same as your mom. Controlling everything. It wrecked our relationship. My sister and I are her caregivers. There is so much resentment, but we treat her with kindness and loving care through all her nastiness. She never wants for anything. Dr and nurses say she'd be gone now if it wasn't for all the good care she is getting. When she's gone, it will be a relief for the whole family. I'm sure she will be relieved as well because she feels we've never lived up to her expectations anyway.. We have NEVER been thanked or ever told that she loves us. I'm 67years old!
Like I say..she's in a good place. Live your life the way you want and DON'T look back. Time is too short. Live it like today is your last day. That's what I'm going to do!

I'm new to this forum and can see I'm clearly not alone in having a selfish narcissistic mother! I've had to be the parent all my life - she left when I was 15, remarried and has always put her own needs and wants before anyone else's. I am an only child and have had no one to share the burden with. She's now elderly and has been living with us since being widowed 10 years ago. She spent the first 5 years making so many demands on me that I became ill, she did nothing to help me get better and when my father died last year and offered no support in my bereavement. After being ill I realised I needed to stop doing everything for her and that she needed to take on some responsibilities of her own. She was furious about this but I refused to let her make me ill again. After dad died I sought counselling and this helped me to realise I'm not responsible for her happiness and that I have to put my own basic needs first. It has given me permission to look after myself, to expect to be treated with respect, to do activities that make me happy, all whilst ensuring my mother's basic needs (home, security, food in the house and general safety) are all taken care of. She is mobile and perfectly capable of looking after the rest of her needs and wants, but if she chooses not to, it is up to her. I would urge anyone on this forum to not feel guilty about putting themselves higher up in the list of priorities- your parent may well be relying on your guilt to get you to do everything for them. I now feel less exhausted and can see that before I changed how I was doing things I was a virtual prisoner in the house, just doing housework and caring all day while my mother went out shopping all the time! Hope this helps some of you.

My mother is so miserable now that she even practically drove my brother - the golden child! - out of her home when he dared ask why she was so unhappy in her AL and what she would like to do about it. She moans endlessly but won't discuss anything rationally, and gets defensive with us if we try. She claims she's been 'abandoned' and doesn't see anyone when in fact she sees more people in a week now than she did in her last years in her own home, and criticizes most of them anyway! We are sure she is depressed or maybe has early dementia but she won't se a doctor, so what can we do? It is making us three miserable and even ill too - I've had acute depression before and don't want to go back there.

Keep her away from gatherings for awhile. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You mom needs a good taste of her own medicine. Make her regret her bad choices of treating you bad as children. When you make bad choices you have to be held accountable with conquences. When you make bad choices you don't get to control the conquences, something she must get by getting a taste of her own medicine.

Hi Tready water . I'm new to this site and your post could have been written by me except it's my dad. I just read your post is from 2011. Don't know if you're still on here. I am so overwhelmed and guilt ridden . My dad is the exact way. My brother is the main care giver for my dad. My brother has had it with my dad. The verbal abuse, being unappreciated pretty much what you described. No one wants to be around him. I am so torn. Why is my dad so mean to the only person who is there for him? It's sad.

What a great support platform.

Point if you are not doing well you can't help your Mom.Selfpreservation is most important.What a point if you going to go into depression and feel guilty etc.Start thinking about yourself go do nails hair shop go for a dinner join gym go out with friends .Be happy first !!! Once you are in a better place you can see everyone is fine and you can visit your Mom and she will accept fact that you have life and need to ENJOY WHILE YOU CAN.

I worked with my client since March last year longest caregiver she had.At first I was so happy and motivated to help .Pay was good $2000 a month and I was ready to go and bring some happiness into my clients life .As I said it was her who was nasty commenting mean sarcastic yelling and job was becoming less rewarding.I knew I needed money so I clunched my teeth and stay.Than I decided enough is enough.Eeach time I will respond to bad comments.If she said you damn I said no I am not when she said Maggie wash floor NOW! I would say NO I don't have to and I will when I feel like.Gradually I numb myself to a crazy talk as she complains about things just to tear me down.Example I am walking her dog.She times me and tells me to take only 20min walk.Telling me if I don't comply my "privilege" of walking him is over.I took her laundry to wash yesterday I came back from break and laundry time and she goes bulistic that laundry is slightly dump and that it will cause mildew while drying.It is yelling I can't take it like I am going to die type of fit.And you know I tell her you should be thanksful I did your laundry and if you don't like let your friend do it.She has one friend help.I tell her what it is shragg my arms and say got to move on I am not having it.Would it stop her no but I just leave room until she stops talking.
Whatever she said would already qualify her as serious abuser and to looney bin
Statements you damn stupid from different country
You don't know how to make anything bed toast etc
You will never have anything in life, better job carrier home car
Your kids don't love you etc statements
I wish when you go on lunch you will get into car crash and die with your boyfriend
I wish to be stronger so I could push you to the ground and beat you up to death
I sometimes feel like I want to just drop of a stairs and die
You don't know who I know I can call police and get you arrested for elderly abuse
Nobody will believe you Its your word against mine.
And this counting of bread and apples and etc starting how many pieces is there left to see if I took anything.
But you know and I know it want change.I did something to protect myself I recorded her from very beginning until now at occasion yelling at me and all I wrote above.No!!! Granny want throw me under the train although she sounds exactly like that movie character screaming at her son Owen (Danny Davito)I told her I recorded her and I told her she can't continue to treat me like shit I told company that hired me to.She is little more careful now but she want change complaining.She told me it is to late to fire me cause I know to much and she should do it long time ago.She also called me when I was five minutes late crying wolf telling me I think you quit and you never are coming back please come back.I am quitting my job by the way as soon as she will feel better.End of the month.I need to be happy around people who are happy and see glass always half full.I think It kind of save me what I did.Cause
I told her what I think
I make it clear I want be threaten or accept abuse as something ok.
I want comply to everything as she wants .If am washing dishes I want drop it and run to do other invented chore.I will finish that and do it on my terms cause it can wait a second.
When I was growing up my Grandparents was a sweetest people around.We had great relationships and they were always happy and encouraging.I want let anyone to abuse me without telling them.My client would never change.I feel sorry for her and how she chooses to be.She is finding happiness in inflicting pain and criticizing everyone. Always trying to find someone in bad shape so she feels better about her condition. Iam not HER I choose to be happy.Money she pays is a great insentive.I get $2000 a week since January .In January spend 1650 hours with her.lol.I also slept in her bed on a top of it so she wouldn't have to yell at me to another room to take her to bathroom.I don't want to be burden/old

need - I think it is responded to fairly regularly because this theme strikes a note with a number of people who come to this site and are struggling with a mother who has been difficult all their lives. It makes care giving so much harder. It is relevant for them.

carola and helenb, lifeisshort, and others - you have my sympathies My mother was very difficult and negative all my life. This was not just old age. It was her borderline personality disorder and narcissism. You can take steps to protect yourselves. That is not un christian Standing up for yourself may not change her - the only person you can really change is yourself. You can improve your quality of life even with a parent as described here. But it takes change and growth on your part and caring for yourself.

My mom has been very controlling all of our lives. I have lived away for years at a time and things were better for me. Now, I live close by. I have always been her favorite target for abuse because as an adult, I was treated harshly early on and started sticking up for myself. That made me the bad guy.
Now, she is starting to have memory issues. My brother has noticed as well but won't say anything. It is becoming increasingly obvious that there are memory issues. The doctors now think she may have had a stroke and she says if she did it is my fault. When I finally brought up the subject of memory issues, her abuse increased against me and just insults me by saying that she doesn't remember because she doesn't care about my life or what I tell her. She gives back gifts that I give her usually in an insulting way and mocks me for giving her flowers. She has begun lying to cover for herself and tells others that I am lying. It's a nightmare. I am planning to move further away soon for work and hate to say it, but will be happy not to have interaction with her much. Let my sister and brother deal with her. I can't take it any more.

This post is from 2011! Confusing how certain posts live on.

Other posts that could remain disappear.

Elderly get mean cause they no longer have have control.Loosing control over body mobility ,vision etc make them depend on others.They hate fact they can't but rest of people can . Only people they can take that anger on a close to them cargivers and family.Inside they know they are dying...

Don't feel bad about your mom.She had to really be not a nicest person since you don't want contact and want to feel free.Do what you feel is best for you and your family and don't force yourself.I care for elderly lady for a year and I have been yelled every name out of the book,talked down, belittled in a mean sarcastic way. She told me she wishes she could be stronger so she could beat me do death,she said she wishes I and my boyfriend die in a car crash when going to lunch,she told behind my back to OT and PT she met for a first time I was a monster and I can be dangerous to her cause I have headphones in my ears.I understand how elderly can act. Never though met elderly that mean a d bitter as my client.She is beyond TOXIC.