I have legal guardianship over my 89 year old mother, who has dementia. She is in complete denial about her dementia and refuses to believe there is ANYTHING wrong with her. She has been diagnosed by a doctor and many people have talked to her about it, but she just dismisses it all.
We have recently found that she is urinating in her bed at night and there is spoiled food in her refrigerator and she even had a BM in her bed.
My sister has been caring for her, but she is not well and it is becoming a terrible burden, emotionally and physically.
We found a very good independent living place for her that has an apartment available now. She can transition to assisted living there and we can add services as she needs them. She thinks she needs nothing and is FLATLY refusing to move. I have the legal authority to make her move, but I will probably have to have her physically restrained and moved to do that.
Should I do that?
This is hard stuff. But the answer is not to beg mom for permission to take care of yourself - she's not going to grasp the need. And to NOT take care of yourself unless she gives it could be extremely harmful to you. You are the one who can think straight now - she needs you more for that than for running errands or doing care that others could do, you do not need to lose your health and sanity, and after all, whether she realizes it or not, she does not need to lose you.
The places that I have researched and would like to see her in now tell me that if she is not agreeable they will not accept her.
Very frustrated and at my wits end.
It's been 4 years since I posted on here. My mom is now in memory care at assisted living, just this year. It took her falling and breaking her hip and having to go into rehab to get her there. I was able to get guardianship to move her from rehab to AL. It was a big adjustment and she still wants to go home, but at least I know she's safe and I won't find her on the floor delirious like I did after her fall.
I understand what you're saying as well. The 84 year old spiritual lady I spoke with before my mom passed, said she definitely told her children she did not want to spend the rest of her life in a NH. Ironically,she has worked in one.
I remember bringing to my parent's home a brochure for a a retirement community, and my Mom refused to even look at it. She was in denial of her age, and Dad said maybe they will move in a couple of years. COUPLE OF YEARS??? They were already in their mid-to-late 90's.
Once my Mom passed, Dad was ready two weeks later to move from their house and into something safer as he became afraid of all the stairs. He really loved the senior living facility, it was built like a hotel with a fancy restaurant style dining room. He had a lovely apartment with a full size kitchen, large living room, a bedroom and a den, and lots of sunshine. He said he should have moved there years ago, but he knew my Mom would refuse to move :(
How to know if a parent (if US legalized euthanasia) was in their right mind to make that choice? Probably why it is still illegal............
My mother was in IL for 8 years, completely independent, and yet constantly complained about that place, stating she wanted her own apartment (which she DID have where she was, but also had amenities when she chose to use them) or worse yet she wanted a house! She was 99 at the time, still believed she could take care of it - even though she hadn't lifted a finger to wipe up a spill, clean or do her own laundry. She adamantly stated over and over she would kill herself if she had to go to a NH (which she eventually ended up in because of a fall due to not eating or drinking)
But, despite her claims - she would never have asked for death. She went down fighting every step of the way up until the last two days of her life.
I can understand a person choosing death if they had been in serious pain or very very sick for a long period. Everyone has their limits and trials.
What is best for their children, could be assisted suicide as well? Sane or not, many older people don't want to live or die in some NH,AL.
Your mother has dementia, so getting her to agree to AL is not going to happen, ever. You cannot reason with someone with dementia. (Went through the same with my mother.)
Fortunately you have legal guardianship so you will have to make it happen, as unpleasant as it will be.
What worked with our mother was my sister took her home for two days while we cleaned out her apartment and moved her things to AL. The doctor gave us tranquilizers so we could have her calm when we told her. We then put her in the car and drove her directly to AL. The professionals took over there and helped her settle in. We hated to do it that way, but sometimes children have no choice when parents are not capable of making decisions for themselves and living alone becomes dangerous. Good luck.
I cannot put her up in my home as i live in a one bedroom apartment, and for that I pay a very rich price for. I have looked for cheaper and bigger and there is none to be had within an hour's commmute of my office. earlier, I commuted well over an hour each way and the stress level is not worth it and especially so when you are coming home to an argumentative, forgetful and sometimes aggressive 90 year old baby...who has pooped in their bed or soiled their clothing.
If you can get your elder into an ALF it is much, much easier to manage the situation.