Our mother is 84. Has macular degeneration and has very poor eye sight. She lives alone, per her request. Will not accept any suggestions to live elsewhere. She is very angry and afraid of losing control. She attempts to control every situation. Is very argumentative and at times makes up things she thinks are said. If we offer to help she jumps all over us and if we do not help her she tells us how everyone at the Bingo hall offers to help her and are nice to her. My brother, my husband and I can never do anything that is rights and it is always our fault. In public she puts on a whole new persona. Everyone thinks she is so nice. She was recently in the hospital and the staff said how nice she is and then they heard how she treats us and told us they heard how she talked to us. If we try to be very calm and explain to her she gets very angry shouting, "stop treating me like a child. . .stop using psycho babble on me" Believe us she has a very sharp tongue. She can treat us terrible and ten minutes later act like nothing happened. Her doctor can not get her to take any mood stabilizer medications,. She will take her magnifying glass, read all the side affects then claim she is having them, so the doctor d/c the meds. It is getting harder and harder to be with her.
The only way I am able to deal with it is understanding that when a person is mentally ill, they do not know they are mentally ill. That's the core of the illness.
Mom is deep in the dementia now and can't do anything for herself. I have to bathe, dress, feed, and toilet her. She is in a wheelchair due to mobility problems from PD. She is actually easier to care for because she is safe in the high tech wheelchair that she can't tip. She is very OCD and will get into anything she can reach with her hands. She never sits still and never naps. She does sleep all night with 2 Seroquel and cannot get out of bed without help. That in itself is a blessing for me!
Walking away is the thing I have learned that keeps me sane! As for meds not being taken, it is obvious from what each of you has written, that your loved ones are in the early stages of some form of dementia and thinking that they will take their meds on their own is not going to happen! They are in denial and will not admit to having any kind of problem mentally. Classic for people suffering from early dementia. As for narcissism, that is something I don't have to deal with, but from everything I read on this site, the best way to deal with that is to ignore as much as you can and don't argue or engage in any kind of battles, because you won't win! If you can't come up with a way to make them think that taking the meds they need is their idea, then do what you need to do to keep them safe. That is the main concern. If they refuse your help, and they are not legally declared incompetent, there is nothing else you can do until they reach a point when they realize that they need help. Don't beat yourselves up. They have already done that for you!
Now he has become extremely difficult with Dementia and I have been left holding the bag. No other family member wants any part of assisting him or helping me. He refuses everything, which he is legally entitled to. He still is physically healthy so he doesn't need or qualify for skilled nursing, but he should be in a locked down assisted living or group home that deals with Dementia. Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough money to pay for these types of private pay facilities and there is no assistance that helps pay when the person doesn't have enough money. I have been told by two attorneys, Adult Protective Services and the Guardian of the court that someone this difficult would require a conservatorship to force him into a medical evaluation. Conservatorships are costly and many times the conservator of the person pays a lot of money out of their own pockets until they can get a court order for reimbursement. Some reimbursements are denied. Court orders are needed for almost every thing.
My father is out of control and there is no way I could have him live with me. Additionally, I do not have the money to up front costs for the needed conservatorship that is required to force him into help. I would not put up with
his behavior from my children and I won't live or put up with it from him. Dementia patients still can become excellent manipulators and I won't allow that behavior under my roof. I don't think any person should allow or put up with verbally or emotionally abusive parents. If you have been so kind as to care for them under your roof and they are intolerable, move them out immediately if they have the money to pay for assisted living. Don't subject yourself or your loved family members to their abuse. Unfortunately, may of us looking after difficult Dementia patients don't have that luxury to place them into facilities because they didn't plan well for their futures. If my dad continues down his path he will be evicted and I don't know what will happen. I know I could never live with anyone who will over power me to have his own way.
I believe she has a narcissistic personality. She fits many of the definitions of a narcissistic person.
If this applies to your mother read all you can about narcissism and learn all you can to help you deal with her. Your mother is doing some of the same things my mother does. Especially concerning medications and control. Also, a narcissist is a master at fooling the public, because the public is very important to them and how they are perceived.
The narcissist thrives on attention and control. Your mother feels she is losing control and needs constant attention. You will learn that you can not change a narcissist, you have to change yourself and how you deal or do not deal with them.
Also, if more than one person in the family sees her behavior as not normal or narcissistic, then she probably has strong narcissistic characterists. We all have some narcissism, healthy narcissism. But there are a few defining traits. Lack of empathy is the number one narcissistic trait.
When my father was sick with Parkinson's, he fell in the yard. He lay there calling for help. Finally a neighbor came to his rescue. For two years after he died mom continued to make fun of him falling. She thought he was "putting on", as she put it. This was a light bulb moment for me. Who does things like that? Ask yourself, is your mom that bad or has she done something or many things that a normal, caring person would not do? And everything is about her. She will use the word "me" a millon times and in every situation she is concerned how this or that affects "me".
And the making up stories and lies, mom has a PhD in that. She twists things to suit her and over time it becomes her truth.
Like I said, there is much to learn. You can learn better ways to deal with her. Good luck to you and don't listen to those who think narcissist parents are just something you can choose to ignore. Or "just get over it" remarks. These parents have shaped and formed you and unfortunately hurt you as well.
Good luck
Today I had her to her gastor doc for her hyatial hernia, which is getting worse, because she doesn't comply with the docs diet instructions or meds, and she sat there and flat out lied to him, telling him that she never eats anything she's not supposed to, and always takes her meds. The CG fixes her breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. She gives her meds after she eats, but most of what she takes is before bed. Mind you, in spite of the CG giving her the right diet, mom has gained nearly 20 lbs in just about 3 months. But hey, she never eats anything she's not supposed to. The CG has arrived in the morning to find that she has eaten a half loaf of bread, or an entire box of crackers. Short to locking up all food, there's not much we can do. She fakes her way through visit with my idiot brother, or during phone conversations with him or other family members. She's getting less able to do that with each passing month. Even the idiot brother notices that she's having difficulty having a conversation, talks in short disjointed sentences and that her memory is getting worse than ever.
It's all part of the disease process. Mom's neurologist even explained to me that some ALZ patients can't remember when or what they ate, and that the appetite center of the brain completely switches off. In other's, like my mom, she can't remember when or what she ate, claims she's hungry all the time, and in her case the switch is stuck in the "on" position. At some point, this will change and she'll stop eating.
Don't let the yelling, name calling and accusations get to you....remember that it's not really your mom being mean, it's the disease that causes her to behave that way. I know from my own experience that it still hurts, but we've got to let it go, or it'll consume us.
Hang in there.