People are struggling with the decision of placement or home care.
There are valid reasons for both sides. In some cases home care works out well. Other cases facility placement is the better option.
All situations are unique and should never be lumped into one category.
I made the choice to do home care with my mom and while it wasn’t as difficult early on, later on it became quite a challenge.
Mom had Parkinson’s disease which is progressive and has no cure.
I did not realize how difficult it would be to care for my mom in the latter stages of a disease.
Caring for her became more than I could handle.
It is an emotional and physical roller coaster.
I took care of mom for 20 years, with 15 of those years in my home.
I felt obligated to care for mom because my father asked me to care for her after his death. I promised him that I would. I love my mother and truly wanted to do it.
I don’t think a parent even realizes what they are asking of a child when they request the promise to care for loved ones.
I seriously doubt that my dad would have wanted me to continue to suffer as caregiving became harder. He loved me very much.
My parents never cared for their parents so they did not have any first hand knowledge about caregiving.
I didn’t have a clue as to how hard it would become to care for her in my home.
I wish that I had known about this forum years ago so I could have been warned about the difficulties that would lie ahead.
When parents are living in our home the parent/child relationship changes, becoming complicated and stressful.
I regret having mom live with us. Temporarily would have been fine, permanently was very hard.
Therefore, it is NOT a fact, fabricated lie or a sugar coated story. It is what it is "AN OPINION."
Thus, when making an own decision, one is not obligated to be forced as subjection to the thoughts of another individual.
Thus, an individual has the liberty and right to the freedom of choice in a prudent decision.
Henceforth, in conjunction for said, opinions are not the intentions of misguided guilt.
Thanks for your kind words and more importantly for your kind heart.
Your experiences as a nurse and caregiver to your brother have enlightened all of us on this forum.
Thanks so much for caring.
What a great posting! I echo everything you just said.
Please take care of yourself. I understand your feelings for your husband.
My husband is going through cancer treatments and I am concerned for him.
We have already decided as husband and wife that if one of us ever becomes too difficult to care for that we want to go into a facility so we will not become a burden.
You are right. Caring for a spouse is tough too.
I encourage everyone to be supportive of anyone that is caring for a spouse.
I love the way you think!
I think the important thing to remember is that the level of care needed by an elder changes. The elder gets older and so does the caregiver. What worked for a year or ten may not work going forward.
Guilt has NO part in making the decision. Don't let other folks (the onlookers) make you feel guilty or tell you that arranging for facility care is in any way abandonment.
I thank those of you who have sent kind messages of support.
So many people have a heavy heart due to the enormous burden of being a caregiver.
This forum is meant to be an encouragement to those in need without harsh judgment or criticism.
We are all entitled to our own opinions. There has never been a ‘one size fits all’ solution. What works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another.
I admire anyone who chooses to follow their own personal convictions in caregiving.
I do not feel that those following their own convictions have the right to force their beliefs on anyone else. That is crossing a line and is ultimately disrespectful.
You are correct. Fortunately, I don’t have the burden of caregiving to elderly parents any longer.
I get so sick of seeing people defend home caregiving so staunchly that they have attacked me and others.
Not just on the forum but in private messages that I ignore and delete.
The crazy part is some of these posters don’t even have any family members living in their homes and excuse their behavior with their distorted justification concerning their religious beliefs.
I tell people not to do home caregiving any longer if I recognize the same burnout that I went through. I am speaking from experience. They chime in by twisting my words, putting words in my mouth, etc.
For the most part I ignore them because they thrive on an audience and they don’t deserve any credence but newer posters have private messaged me feeling awful for being attacked, which is so sad.
I loved your ‘New Posters’ thread because it covered this topic. Sadly, that thread was shut down.
It can be summarized with a few words. Live and let live. Be respectful of everyone.
I live 3 hours away, full time job, a son and husband and friends, and house of my own to manage. My stepmom was certainly not guilting me for more.
So i explained my situation and suggested that he and the church members step up and show their Christian side - help my step mom with errands or watching my dad for a few hours. Nope. She got more from the county (2 hours break twice a week).
I get tired of the Bible verses and the use of Christianity to manipulate me. As soon as that starts i know to duck and run.
My step mom is the best example of a true Christian that i know - a very loving woman. No song and dance or "look at me, I'm so holy" - she would observe what needed to be done to help someone = and offer to do it. Simple and straightforward.
Wonderful example of the self righteous using guilt to manipulate.
Your stepmom sounds lovely.
It’s so true, often the people who criticize do absolutely nothing to help!
You are certainly welcome to voice your opinion as much as anyone else.
I totally agree with you. This type of behavior isn’t what I would classify as a Christian.
If these people who try to place guilt on others were my only frame of reference for Christianity, I would most certainly become an agnostic, atheist or choose a faith from any number of world religions.
I am not a narrow minded individual. I respect all faiths.
I especially respect atheists who are moral and kind, over religious hypocrites who feel that they have a right to beat the Bible over our heads.
I know that the majority of people feel as we do.
The only person who would side with a hypocrite is another hypocrite.
I guess I should have included something for those who were taking care of spouses instead of parents (my apology to LexiPexi!)--I guess "in sickness and in health" would be the line thrown at the caregiver in place of "honor your mother and father" but I think the former is aimed more at those who would divorce or desert a spouse rather than placing in a facility.
I'm rooting for your mother and particularly you 98 y/o cousin--what a remarkable woman!
Kimber166 made some excellent points. There is a saying that "those who can't do, teach" (in regards to someone who isn't really competent or successful in a given line of work who decides to teach it instead. I want to add a second line--"those who WON'T do, PREACH!"
I appreciate what you post, too. I thought your comment about not going by one's heart in making decisions was spot on, because some of the decisions we have to make require us to subdue our emotions--often easier said than done! I hope you never let the negative people drive you away from this forum!
Those who WON'T do, PREACH!
That is the best line of the whole miserable year known as 2020!
Thank you for making me laugh tonight!
Thanks so much. I actually did step away awhile back.
My caregiving days to my parents were over.
I was just starting to feel as if I could live my life again.
My husband was diagnosed with cancer. So I came back to the forum for support.
We have been married for 43 years and he is the love of my life.
Hopefully he will be fine and we will have many more years together.
I’m stealing it too!
Told you that I love the way you think!
Lea,
Always knew that you had great taste!
It really does become a dilemma. Almost like they set a trap! It can become an emotional roller coaster so the last thing that we need is being made to feel guilty.
I hated when my mom and other family members of mine, who did nothing to help, constantly tried to make me feel guilty.
For me, my mother was never going to tell me that she needed help. I had to move 500 miles away and in with her. My mother was on her death bed and my brother flew all the way across country, leaving me all alone.
Did you regret uprooting your life?
Did your mom treat your brother differently?
So many times parents expect the girls to do all of the work.
Sometimes daughter in laws end up taking care of mother in laws.
Opinions are like a$$h0les!!
Everyone has one!!
The issue is that my a$$h0le may not function the same way yours does! Some run smoothly. Some are constipated. Some waffle back and forth. But in the end(pardon the pun), we are responsible for our own sh*t!
Many of us come here for support and advice. Not a narrative on how we need to do it, or how we are wrong.
If we don't necessarily agree with your opinion, it doesn't mean you're wrong or being judged.
It just means that we can agree to disagree agree.
Life as caregivers and Covid-19 is stressful enough without us being sh*ty to each other!!
After all, we all have caregiving as a common thread!!
Please be kind and check your a$$h0le at the door before entering this group!!
NHWM, sorry but I couldn't stand the rhetoric any longer!!
You're always supportive and amazing!! And I appreciate your opinion and insight!!
(((Hugs)))
My mother has lost any ability to treat brother differently.
She will have one-on one attention. She has a Care Plan that will be changed weekly, or even daily. When she is afraid, someone will be there 24/7. The doc visits once a week. The NP has already seen her at her current apartment and has ideas about how to adjust her meds so that she isn't overwhelmed with the anxiety she currently has.
I have learned here that what I am feeling is not guilt, but GRIEF.
That my journey with my mother does not have to be like some IDEAL of a picture in my head.
Thank you, thank you, for this forum, and for all your ideas. For frequent posters, I thank you for restating your wisdom again and again. I am SLOWLY understanding, deep in my heart, what you mean.
Colleen
I am so happy that you found a memory care facility for your mom.
You will grieve for who she once was. It’s very hard to see our parents or other loved ones decline.
The guilt that I am addressing in this thread is guilt that others try to place on us.
Reject it! Don’t ever place that kind of guilt upon yourself.
I couldn’t agree more with you! People need to learn what you just said so very well!
Everyone can learn to agree to disagree politely instead of sending private messages to me saying that I ‘publicly mocked God’ Yep, sounds hard to believe but it’s true!
LOL Funny, but I don’t recall ever publicly mocking God in my entire life.
Do I care what they think? Not a chance. I actually feel sorry for people who are so freakin miserable that they have nothing else to do with their time.
Nor do I pay any attention to any lies they have told.
Thanks for your kind words. I have always enjoyed your posts. They are always intelligent, insightful and kind.
Take care.
I am so thrilled to hear someone say that they have learned that guilt is grief. I try to tell people that all the time. I just say, use the other G word. We aren't felons. We are good people. Felons don't feel grief OR guilt; they do malice aforethought. We are good and decent people suffering the fact we have limitations and aren't perfect. I think that "guilt" keeps us stuck; it suggests there was SOMETHING we could have done/should have done that would have fixed it. And not everything CAN be fixed. When we move to grief it is awful because we know it is over and now we can only mourn. But tears are cleansing, they wash us clean. I am constantly trying to tell people to use the word "grief", because the despair at our helplessness in all of this is worth the grieving. PLEASE stick around here, Colleen and help me teach people the difference between guilt and grief. We aren't Saints. I like to say it is a terrible job description, because we shoot Saints full of arrows, then pray to them for eternity to fix every problem we have. I love this thread, it gladdens my heart over and over, and Colleen, you made my day.
I understand your intent in regards to guilt regarding replies. :-)
I was referring to my general daughter-guilt for not being able to care for my mother in my home. You all have helped me understand that, too, for what it actually is.
Thank you again!!
Colleen