People are struggling with the decision of placement or home care.
There are valid reasons for both sides. In some cases home care works out well. Other cases facility placement is the better option.
All situations are unique and should never be lumped into one category.
I made the choice to do home care with my mom and while it wasn’t as difficult early on, later on it became quite a challenge.
Mom had Parkinson’s disease which is progressive and has no cure.
I did not realize how difficult it would be to care for my mom in the latter stages of a disease.
Caring for her became more than I could handle.
It is an emotional and physical roller coaster.
I took care of mom for 20 years, with 15 of those years in my home.
I felt obligated to care for mom because my father asked me to care for her after his death. I promised him that I would. I love my mother and truly wanted to do it.
I don’t think a parent even realizes what they are asking of a child when they request the promise to care for loved ones.
I seriously doubt that my dad would have wanted me to continue to suffer as caregiving became harder. He loved me very much.
My parents never cared for their parents so they did not have any first hand knowledge about caregiving.
I didn’t have a clue as to how hard it would become to care for her in my home.
I wish that I had known about this forum years ago so I could have been warned about the difficulties that would lie ahead.
When parents are living in our home the parent/child relationship changes, becoming complicated and stressful.
I regret having mom live with us. Temporarily would have been fine, permanently was very hard.
It's a drama about a fictional ranching family the Duttons.
Kevin Costner is John Dutton.
I will do a search to see if it is broadcasted in my area and let you know if I can view it.
Would love to check out the area.
Back to your op: Yes, absolutely - it was very disruptive to do out of state caregiving, especially since I required foot surgery myself, my DH's, my DD's birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas was missed. On my own birthday, there was nothing, nada, zero, zilch done for me as my mother had suffered a stroke. My brother, my sole sibling said to me "I won't do the caregiving for mother." WOW.
Not uncommon at all. I find most caregivers end up doing the job without any help from siblings. Same here.
So glad that your have your eye surgery behind you!
Yes, she is entitled to her opinion but talk about laying on the guilt!!!
I was so annoyed by her post so much that I posted a ‘survey’ type questionnaire in the discussion section of the forum about how caregiving effects our marriage.
HOW CAN THIS MOTHER FEEL SO ENTITLED?
I have seen it over and over. Your sibling didn’t help you. Mine didn’t help me.
Caregiving not only ends up being the responsibility of one person but often the siblings that don’t help try to make the person doing all of the caregiving feel guilty for not being perfect or getting tired of it all. That’s why I had to abandon all of it!
Families should support each other instead of tearing each other down. It’s sad when this happens in so many families.
How are you doing with your eye after having your surgery?
I am going to have to address the cataracts, as well. I am scared. Got that? Old RN scared of cataract surgery. If they put me OUT I wouldn't be scared; I can't STAND to be awake. Afraid I will move or something. I think it comes of having only one working eye in that the other got a vitreous separation and the scar tissue makes it not worth a lot. I love to read. Am scared of blindness I would say more than anything else. But, next year I think I am going to have to address this.Right now covid in my excuse. Tell me that, if I am brave, I can survive!
So sorry about your daughter’s friend. That’s awful!
When I was young I went on a backpacking trip through the mountains with my boyfriend and another couple.
My boyfriend told me to put my backpack up in the tree before I went to sleep in our tent.
He was an experienced hiker and camper. I wasn’t.
It was my first backpacking trip in the mountains.
He also told me not to eat in our tent.
I was tired from hiking and didn’t listen to him. I also wanted a snack so I took crackers from my backpack to snack on in our tent.
Then I went to sleep after a long day of hiking.
I felt the tent moving. I asked my boyfriend if he was shaking the tent.
He says, “I thought you were shaking the tent.”
He spotted my cracker box and says, “Why did you eat in the tent?” I told him because he didn’t catch any fish like he said he would and I was starving!
Then he asked if I put my pack up in the tree. I said that I hadn’t.
He went outside the tent and we had picked a campsite out in the wilderness, beautiful but because I ignored my boyfriend’s advice I attracted a bear!
The bear destroyed my backpack that was laying on the ground, even ate my toothpaste! LOL
I thought my boyfriend would be furious. He looked at me, smiled, then laughed and said, “You can take a girl out of the city, but not the city out of a girl!”
I love nature but I had a lot to learn.
My boyfriend was a sweetheart with a great sense of humor.
By the way, he was a good fisherman but never caught any fish on that trip!
I took his keys, walked quite a ways to his van to get the peanut butter, bread and jelly that I had packed.
My boyfriend and friends were glad I was skeptical of their fishing skills and packed stuff for sandwiches! LOL
Well I have a snake story.
My favorite part of Girl Scout camp were the early morning hikes in the woods. We saw snakes and snake eggs! It was a cool experience for us city girls from New Orleans.
Looking back I feel so sorry for the poor bus driver that had to drive energetic 12 year olds to the campground!
We were loud and crazy on the bus. Hahaha, remember that stupid song, ‘99 bottles of beer on the wall.’?
I also feel sorry for our troop leaders! LOL
Dark Shadows was a popular show back then. We decided to do a seance like they did on Dark Shadows! We were sitting in our circle, touching hands, summoning a girl’s grandpa and as soon as we asked for a sign the troop leader knocked on our cabin door!
We screamed! We got into trouble for screaming so loud! Hahaha
The troop leader told us to go to sleep but we weren’t tired so we played cards for a bit, then decided to take all of the toilet paper in the bathroom stalls and roll the troop leaders cabins and cars!
LOL, 12 year olds are obnoxious! Aren’t they?
Maybe taking care of seniors that have obnoxious behavior is payback! Hahaha, Karma!
It’s really hard because no one wants to see anyone die in a facility. Still, they can’t care for them at home. It’s an awful situation to be in.
So many have died in facilities. People need encouragement as caregivers. Enough of the guilt, whether it is placed on themselves or by others.
I am all for posts regarding blatant religious beliefs or anything else that others use to cause guilt to be removed!
The rest don’t bother me if they aren’t offensive.
So it seems like there is so much guilt and grief thrown at OPs who place their LOs and I think is important to remember that every situation is different and home isn’t always safer, it isn’t always best. And the last thing we need to do is judge and send people on guilt trips!
My point is, a GOOD AL or SNF provides 24/7 care that one human at home cannot, no matter what they think or say. Not to mention, most of us work for a living and would be leaving the elder home alone for 10 hours at a pop, with nothing to do, nobody to talk to, no care provided............that's the truth. Plus, there's no fighting and screaming matches going on in the ALs like there commonly IS at home. People think they're giving their loved one the moon by taking them in, and meanwhile, lots of them fight like cats & dogs. The resentment is through the roof & lots of relationships are DESTROYED in the process of doing what they think is 'the right thing.'
The 'right thing' differs according to each family situation. That's an important factor to keep in mind!
I respect you for KNOWING your limitations and NOT trying to force yourself to follow through with home caregiving like I did.
It simply doesn’t work and we become riddled with anxiety, depression and possibly burn out as well.
So good for you knowing your limitations.
Please keep sharing this important message that people should know their limitations before committing to full time caregiving.
Great points in your entire post, Cali!
Exactly! Home care is not right for every situation!
Your mom is getting the proper care. This gives you peace of mind. It’s not about parents not wanting to be in a facility. It’s about what is BEST for THEM!!!
I agree with your thoughts.
I have always been one to say I know my own limitations. I could never provide 24/7 care, and I had the greatest parents and elder brother ever created. It is on me. I would not be capable of that going in. I never much expected myself to be super-human, and I sure am not. While I was a nurse I just loved it. But as I always said, 8 hour shift, lots of vacation time, lots of days off, and 16 hours to recuperate between any shift made that easy to love.
We see many here who decide otherwise, and do give in home care to those they love. I couldn't admire them more.
The real key here is to know who we are, what we are capable of, and to do the very best we do....lovingly.
https://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Decisions/Considerations+for+a+Home+Death.aspx
As far as religion is concerned, I NEVER have and NEVER would use my religious beliefs to make someone feel guilty. That would be so ridiculous of me to try to force my beliefs on someone else.
If someone feels guilty because I was "HONEST" or because of my "OPINION", that is on them, not me.
I will definitely read it. We should all keep up to date on healthcare.
Appreciate your sharing it.
True, these are heartbreaking situations. We grieve long before a person dies.
We can’t deny though that some people make it a mission of theirs to tear people down by laying on the guilt trips instead of lifting them up with encouragement and support.
As Cali, Lea and many, many others have said, caregiving at home isn’t always what is best for the elderly parents or the family members.
Sad but true and why is it usually someone who doesn’t even have a family member in their home that they care for?
According to the most recent news, it looks like the UK will be getting the vaccine before the US.
Should be interesting to see how it goes for them.
Let’s hope our UK posters will share some of their experiences with us.
Well said and so applicable to my current situation!
My DH is a physician. 10 % of his office staff has contracted Covid. We're holding our breath that he doesn't bring it home!!
NHWM, I very well could be the daughter in the "I raised my daughter to be my caregiver " post! Lol
Despite the Covid threat in my own home, NM still wants to come from ALF for a couple days over Christmas. She tells me that she "Needs some pampering " after what she's been thru!!
REALLY???
I pray all of you stay safe!
Pampering?
I would not let her go to your home!
Geeeeez.
Yes, we can.