People are struggling with the decision of placement or home care.
There are valid reasons for both sides. In some cases home care works out well. Other cases facility placement is the better option.
All situations are unique and should never be lumped into one category.
I made the choice to do home care with my mom and while it wasn’t as difficult early on, later on it became quite a challenge.
Mom had Parkinson’s disease which is progressive and has no cure.
I did not realize how difficult it would be to care for my mom in the latter stages of a disease.
Caring for her became more than I could handle.
It is an emotional and physical roller coaster.
I took care of mom for 20 years, with 15 of those years in my home.
I felt obligated to care for mom because my father asked me to care for her after his death. I promised him that I would. I love my mother and truly wanted to do it.
I don’t think a parent even realizes what they are asking of a child when they request the promise to care for loved ones.
I seriously doubt that my dad would have wanted me to continue to suffer as caregiving became harder. He loved me very much.
My parents never cared for their parents so they did not have any first hand knowledge about caregiving.
I didn’t have a clue as to how hard it would become to care for her in my home.
I wish that I had known about this forum years ago so I could have been warned about the difficulties that would lie ahead.
When parents are living in our home the parent/child relationship changes, becoming complicated and stressful.
I regret having mom live with us. Temporarily would have been fine, permanently was very hard.
Yes, no two cases are alike - just similarities. I agree that "all relationships are unique in their own ways" because of personality types, demeanors and how each one of us responds to those. Not only do our reactions become a mixture of those emotions, they can vary from day to day or moment to moment depending on "where we're at (in our minds) IN that moment."
I'm sure the woman you know whom you think has Stockholm Syndrome is quite troubling to see. I imagine those of us who remember Patty Hearst's involvement with the Symbionese Liberation Army after being kidnapped - that is most likely what she dealt with.
I read so many posts here from traumatized children of narcissistic mothers. It makes me want to scream. Especially after reading about the Trauma Bonding............it's clear as a BELL what so many go through and WHY they/we can't break free of the bonds these relationships have over us.
I"m feeling particularly irritable today after reading about this. Remembering SO MUCH stuff, it's nauseating. And, of course, on our way now to do the dreaded Window Visit with my mother at the MC. Only God knows what kind of sh*t show that will turn out to be. I paste a smile on my face every week and every week, w/i 5 minutes, it's off. And this week I'm extra irritated at the thought of even 'having to' paste a fake smile on my face. UGH.
God help us all who are survivors and/or now living thru the trauma of such toxic relationships. And God help us to SEE the truth and then to DO something about it to help OURSELVES for a change.
After the Visit, we're picking up the dog and going for a long ride to Loveland. It's a beautiful day here so that's what we are doing for US today!
Oh my gosh! Patty Hearst, completely classic case, right?
It is fascinating to think such a thing can happen, but it does.
It certainly makes a person realize that we can’t be too quick to judge others.
There are back stories in situations.
Plus sometimes a person doesn’t even know how or where to begin in telling their personal story.
Please don’t laugh at me for this, but I remember my first session with my therapist that I broke down and just cried for quite awhile before I could even speak.
I was completely broken after all I had been through.
Thank God I had an understanding and compassionate therapist.
Thank you. I appreciate your kind words too. Sometimes I wonder if all I do is depress people! LOL
I know what you mean. I did the same thing constantly when mom was living here. I’d wake up and say, ‘Today will be a better day.’ As you say, five minutes later we face reality, right?
It is a beautiful day here too. Hope your visit with your mom isn’t too bad and that you have a good walk with your dog. Dogs are so very sweet, aren’t they? I miss mine.
Stockholm Syndrome really is a strange phenomenon but, it's the charm, brainwashing and the ability for the perpetrators to draw one in especially, when someone becomes or are extremely vulnerable!
I would never laugh at you or anyone else who is experiencing mental anguish at the hands of another. Sometimes we have to be completely broken before the actual healing can begin. I had that happen to me too. I was at a counselor's office to talk about how to handle being the only caregiver for my mom. The counselor asked me something and I broke down just like you did. She asked me what it was all about - it was about something completely different than what I was there for - pain from a narcissist who had did a 180 on me.
And yes, thank God you had an understanding and compassionate therapist because that can and does make all the difference when you need to seek help. If a therapist is not helpful to someone, they need to remember not to stick with them but, to find one that works well with them and their situation.
You just keep reminding yourself how far you've come!
So funny! A smiling face mask is perfect! LOL
You are absolutely correct in saying that we do need to remind ourselves of how far we’ve come. That does help quite a bit.
I am going to try to remember that next time I get sort of down.
Thanks.
NHWM, who would you be 'depressing' around here? Come on GF!
Chris, a mask with a smiling face, LOVE IT! I've actually seen those & they're hilarious. I don't have to wear a mask during a window visit, however........but a splendid idea in general for anyone visiting an NM!
Speaking of which, the visit today was actually FINE, believe it or not. I was shocked to find her in a good mood and only hurling one insult towards 'midgets' the entire 30 minutes we were there. She was showtiming up a storm, giggling, and making jokes the whole time. She managed to ask me why I didn't bring her what she'd asked me for, and I had to remind her she didn't ask me for anything, that on the phone last night she could not remember what she 'so desperately needed'. Turns out to be mouthwash which is not an urgent need. I'll bring it next week if/when we go. Weather can prevent us from going for a window visit in Colorado.
The ride we took to Loveland with the dog was longer than expected. I won an online auction for a Swarovski cat last night, which I wasn't expecting to win b/c I put in a low bid. I collect the miniature Swarovski animals and have about 2 dozen of them. Well.............this one turned out to be very LARGE at 5" tall and an amazing piece! It's called The Cat and has a green collar; with the original box and tag, sold for $260 (it's vintage). I paid $32 for it! Yay! So it's sitting off to the side of the others b/c it's 10x larger than the rest.........LOL. But it was a very nice ride and good to get OUT of the house. All in all, a good day and for that I'm grateful.
Sometimes I depress myself! LOL
Very glad you had a good day. The cat sounds precious!
I buy Swarovski crystals to make jewelry. I love them.
That is so bizarre what your mom said about Patty Hearst.
I think the Manson family freaked everyone out more than anything else.
No one could understand or even imagine how that could happen.
It is interesting how criminal psychologists later on referred to Manson’s behavior as passive aggressive.
What I find truly incredible is how he was able to control others. He even had fans after his incarceration.
You're welcome. Anytime there's growth, there's progress. It's when we stay "stuck" and choose to stay "stuck" that's where the possibility of changing for the better is squelched.
I absolutely agree! I have been stuck. It’s hard to gain momentum when we get bogged down.
Even if you have been stuck as we all get at one time or another there will be times it's hard to get the momentum going again. It's simply the fact that you "want" and continue to work towards getting that momentum back - that's the main thing.
Very true.
I definitely had to learn some things the hard way before surrendering my caregiving responsibilities.
I admit that I was completely blind to certain things which ended up crippling me to some degree.
We all do! There's no special handbook to walk us through step-by-step in this so-called caregiving maze that's going to work perfectly for everyone's situation and circumstance at all times.
The main thing is you "learned" things and unfortunately for a lot of us, it is by the hard way.
As I like to say "we don't know, what we don't know!"
Were you surprised when your mom decided not to live at the senior apartments? What reason did she give for changing her mind?
Yes, the senior wants to stay home. But what if their house is cluttered, and home care doesn't want to help until it's clean up. But the senior refuses to have it decluttered. They don't get the help they need. Either they need to agree to have it cleaned, or go to assisted living for care.
https://youtu.be/3ZuhqHK8wDE
for those who are conflicted just ask yourself if medically they are better off in your home or in a facility. You also need to ask whether your health is up to caring for your LO. Mine is not
my parents are in an assisted living right up the street so I am able to be there almost daily. I take care of all their needs and even in assisted living it is at least a part time job.
I am thankful that if my Dad falls or my Mom goes into respiratory failure again they are going to get immediate help.
it is a tough call to make but if you are considering placement then you already know it may be needed
The presenter is very warm & knowledgeable. She makes very good points about safety, hygiene & caregiver stress.
For me, the big takeaway was about not comparing to others - not judging others that have taken the NH route.
Unfortunately I find this all too often. 'The Promise' given to loved ones of No Nursing Home Ever. Maybe given through love.. or naievity... but can become a fortress they built & then get traped in. 'The Promise' should never be used as a righteous weapon hurled at others.
Not everyone has a sweet Granny content to spend her days in a rocking chair on the porch, compliant with bathing & sleeping at night.