Facility or home care? It is a personal choice. Misguided guilt should not cause anyone to make the wrong decision.

Chriscat83,

Yes, "trauma bonding" is a huge factor when dealing with narcissistic relationships of any kind and can be very difficult to extricate oneself from. It produces high levels of anxiety and can break you if you let it go on. But, when you really delve into it, there are ways to stop that "bondage" (which it is) from continuing and break those "chains that bind you." You will be much stronger for it - knowledge is "power" and you need that power to free yourself if you want to enjoy your life in the long term!

NobodyGetsIt, just seen your post and you may have a point there. I will look into that. I agree that spending time exploring these feelings is a good idea and time well spent. I can do that with my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy course materials, which I've been using over the last few weeks to help me out of severe anxiety mode. Thank you for your good advice.

NHWM, thank you. I do feel I am on the edge of a new chapter, whilst looking back at (and saying goodbye to) the old one. Lea, I agree there's a risk that mum could say she hates the new place, but the way she's been talking these last few days has been more accepting of the situation. I saw her struggling with the stairs a few days ago, and preparing even simple foods has got more difficult. She will have a ground floor apartment and all meals provided, so she should feel improvements in both these areas, as well as the more sociable environment. I think she has been in denial about her declining capabilities, but may have finally seen her reality. We have had some much better conversations in the last few days, but this could just be that she knows she needs to keep me sweet now as I am all she has left. I have no expectations of what will happen as I have no energy to overthink this right now. I think though that I've made it clear that this is a really good solution for her needs, and that if it doesn't work out it will be because she needs more care - and that can only be a care home. So this week I am focusing on getting her in there for the trial. I have plenty of support from husband, and also son too now, as he's just been told not to return to Oxford for the new term and must study from home for now until the Uni is allowed to reopen fully. It feels like we have plans but that they are constantly having to change. Covid is impacting all of our lives in so many ways.

Dear "Chriscat83,"

You may want to consider the fact that what you are experiencing as you prepare to move your mom into a facility after taking care of her in your home for ten years is not only codependency but, "trauma bonding." I hope you will look into that aspect as it could help you as you try to regain some sense of "self" again.

Good luck as you head into a new year with all kinds of possibilities as long as you can bring about more "awareness" as to why you feel the way you do!

Chriscat, you say your mom is going to 'try out' the supported living place later this week. Does this mean she gets to nix it if she doesn't like it? And come back to live with YOU? I hope not, b/c we all know she's not likely TO 'like it' and want to come back 'home' to live with you! :( Hopefully this is not a trial run where she gets to say No Thank You to supported living.

Once she's gone, you get to REINVENT yourself Chris! Not necessarily regain who you once were, b/c those days are gone.......but to recreate the NEW and improved YOU now that you'll no longer be a chief cook & bottlewasher for someone else. That will be FUN!

Chris,

I admire your spirit. You will regain who you once were.

The whole world has been discouraged with our situation concerning COVID-19, except for the very foolish deniers.

You are a sensible and caring woman that will rise up and find order in the midst of this mayhem.

NHWM, yes, I feel those emotions: disgust, apathy, despair plus complete exhaustion. I think you and Piper are right though - once mum is safe elsewhere I hope to "regain myself", whatever that self is. If I feel any guilt it is only that compared to many people we are very lucky, with generally ok health, and no financial, job or other major worries. But each of us is entitled to feel how we feel. I'm focusing on getting through a week at a time. Throughout 2020 I really felt I wanted to help with the fight against Covid, but in our case that turned out to be just following the rules and staying home. That's been difficult for me, as I've always been an action oriented person. I did however read today that volunteers are needed for non-medical help with the big UK vaccination push starting now. It's a new year and it's time to fight back, so I'm going to volunteer.

Chris,

You are correct. I do feel that I was codependent. My therapist brought this to my attention. I think many people don’t recognize the symptoms of codependent relationships.

I brought up exhaustion in a session because I felt exactly as you do now. I was completely exhausted!

Plus, I started to feel total disgust and apathy. Extensive caregiving can bring on a range of complicated emotions and health issues for us.

I began to feel like nothing mattered anymore which frightened me.
I suppose that was deep depression.

Do you feel like that now? For me this was a huge indicator that I must stop caregiving and not feel any guilt because I had done way more than my share of caregiving without any help from my siblings!

Piper is exactly right! You will feel better after others take over your mom’s care. I too sincerely hope that you will find peace and joy in your life again. You deserve it!

The weight of the world is off of my shoulders now without doing the ‘hands on’ care for my mom.

At first I was so angry about Covid hitting and my husband being diagnosed with cancer shortly after my mom moving out. Then I realized, sh*t happens!

There will always be bumps in the road at one time or another but this has been an extraordinarily tough year for everyone due to COVID. Sadly, many lost their lives. It breaks my heart.

So, I am truly grateful that my husband, daughters and myself are alive.

The latest stat is that someone dies every three minutes due to COVID-19. Thank God the vaccine is here. All any of us want now is a healthy 2021.

I can’t imagine still caring for her and going through my husband’s cancer treatments at the same time!

Thanks Piper. The Covid situation here makes it so much worse by adding to the general anxiety.

Chris I really hope things go smoothly with your mom's move.

After ten years it is a big change. I think once she is moved to the new place you will start to feel the positive effects of that change. You will have so much more control over your life, without having to worry about her safety and wellbeing. Others can do that part now, and you can visit, when you want to.

I hope you and DH can take a little time off just to decompress from it all, and to welcome the change of getting your life back. You deserve it.

NHWM, I agree, and I would also add another insight based on my experiences right now. As many of you know from my previous posts, Mum goes to try out her supported living place later this week, having lived with us for over 10 years. I am the one who has brought this about, as I am worn out with the effects of having her live with us for so long. Now she requires even more from me, I can’t do it any more. Getting to this stage has been a stressful process, with much anger and rage aimed at me for doing this. We are nearly there, and I hope it is a success, but for me it feels how I imagine a divorce or separation might feel. However difficult things are, there is a sense of loss, despite my mother’s narcissism and the effects this has had on me. Maybe it is about this being the end of an era and in my mother’s case a recognition from me that she is moving into another life stage where “paid for care” has a greater significance and priority. Also I think this makes one aware of one’s own mortality and the passage of time. I can honestly say I don’t feel guilt or obligation as I know I’m doing the right thing, and am absolutely committed to this new set up working out. Is this codependency? In my case I think not, just a big life change.

There have been quite a few posters lately struggling with misguided guilt of placing their family members in facilities.

I wish there was a big eraser that we could wipe away their guilt.

There is no reason for this guilt. I seriously feel that is their relationship has turned into codependency.

DToo, I’m sorry to read of the loss of your mother. Wishing you peace and comfort

Disgustedtoo, I am so sorry about your loss. I am so thankful that your Mom was so well cared for. This will give you so much peace. I hope you will eventually feel also the peace of knowing you no longer have to be afraid for what she may have to go through.
And your post is absolute perfection on this thread. My brother also found a beautiful and wonderful ALF where he was treated like a family member, and I was too, a place that now after his death in May STILL treats me like family. I will admit this can be rare, but ideal care in home can also be rare, if not impossible for some. I have always understood I am a human being who has limitations, and I know them; so it doesn't hurt me when people judge whether I cared for Dee in my home. Dee never wanted that and I could not have done it. Good enough for me. But the judgemental "attitude" of some can harm people who have expected themselves to be not humans, but Saints, and who are already buckling mentally. Life doesn't come in hues of black and white. It's a mixed palette of many colors blending more or less harmoniously. People who speak as though their own word is law often end not listened to at all.

Disgustedtoo, sending sympathy on the loss of your mother. Everyone's caregiving journey is individual, and I agree that judgemental posts on this forum can do more harm than good. Its useful when we post responses to bear in mind that a professional counsellor would never seek to judge a person for their actions and choices, and we should try to follow the same approach. Sometimes people are baring their soul on this forum and need a sensitive response.

Disgustedtoo,

I just reread your message and I truly hope others will take the time to read it again.

You said so many important things. I urge everyone to read your realistic account of what caregiving represents.

Again, I am sorry for your loss and I thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Disgusted, I am so sorry for your loss.

Disgustedtoo.....my condolences over the loss of your mom. I'm glad she was so well cared for at the end, and that you were able to be with her as well.

It's sad to have to defend ourselves about placing our mother's in wonderful ALs where the staff bend over backwards to care for them, and us. And all for those who choose to cast generalizations across the board at "all" care homes being bad places. They aren't and we are smart enough to know that.

Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.

Dear "disgustedtoo,"

Please accept my heartfelt condolences in the loss of your mother today. It's apparent how much she was loved not just by you and your family but, by the wonderful facility staff she had. For so many of the staff members to come in -offer their sympathies, tell you how much she will be missed and for those who came by on their day off is beyond what most of us could ever hope for from a facility we have placed our loved ones in.

I hope you will cherish those moments being surrounded by loving, caring people while you began mourning your loss.

Well done in caring for your dear mom and God bless you for all you've done for her.

Disgustedtoo,

Thanks so much for sharing this. You have always been so transparent in your responses. I appreciate that.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

I have already tried to make a point about some postings being hurtful/wrong (here, and in many postings, but these type of comments are the reason FOR this topic), but I'm going to make it again AND reinforce it with actual FACTS, not opinions.

For those "defending" their right to an opinion or being honest, it CAN be done in a way that doesn't come across as putting down someone else's opinion or their need to consider a facility. EVERYONE is entitled to an opinion, but it should relate to only what you know is absolutely 100% true. Saying something like 'I feel the right place to care for a LO is in the home" is VERY different from saying 'all Senior Homes are awful.' The latter is a false statement, and whether it is opinion, honesty or not, it should not be said that way. For someone who is struggling with considering a facility, this is a huge put down and whether you intend inflicting guilt or not, THAT is the result of making blanket statements. Your "opinion" and/or "honesty" doesn't impact me. I know I did the best I could do for my mother. However it can lay guilt on others and make them struggle more.

Not all facilities are bad. Are some? Sure. Are many? Who knows? Until or unless one can check EVERY SINGLE FACILITY across the entire country, those statements border on being libelous (libel noun 1. LAW a published false statement that is damaging to a person's reputation; a written defamation.) That definition pretty well covers making blanket statements about anything, without facts.

One must take the time and effort to check out a facility before deciding on whether to use it or not. Don't just take the sales pitch. Don't just read online reviews. CHECK the place yourself. It is hard at this time, as many are on lockdown, BUT that isn't always the case and hopefully that will eventually end. When it does, use ALL senses to check places. See. Hear. Smell. Taste. Feel. Visit at different times of the day. Be sure the place allows visits without reservations. If it doesn't pass the sense test, move on. BUT, don't ASSUME they are all the same, OR state it as fact.

So, I have written here and elsewhere that my mother's facility is VERY nice. The staff is also VERY nice. The care is VERY good AND caring. She's been there almost FOUR years. She was the first to move into the MC unit, the last area to open in a newly rebuilt facility. Every time I went, she was clean, well fed and hydrated, catered to, entertained, etc., and they loved having her there. I've eaten their food, even at times without having done a "reservation", so I was getting regular "fare", not some special meal.

FACTS:
Mom moved in Jan 2017, mobile w/dementia, unsafe to remain at home.
Mom had a stroke early Sept. 2020
Mom's slow decline began shortly after the stroke.
The nurse DEMANDED hospice come back multiple times to get her on.
She was STILL catered to and cared for and loved by regular staff.
She was doing well until a few days ago, w/ sharp decline in eating.
Yesterday big decline, recommended EOL visit.
They moved her upstairs to a vacant AL space to allow us to visit.
(no one is allowed into the MC unit.)
She was unable to speak, hadn't been eating, voiding, etc.
I was there twice, midday with my daughter, later with brother.
MULTIPLE staff members took time to come up to visit her.
They MISSED HER! Several came at midnight!
Again today, MULTIPLE staff came to visit and check on us.
Sadly mom passed at about 1pm while 3 of us were there.

EVERY staff member was so gracious and expressed not only sympathy, but how much they would miss my mother! Many heard the news and came to the room for their condolences and goodbyes. Even on the way out, sympathies and good stories were related to me.

I was also told there were staff members who came in during their day off to visit with mom.

You can't ask for much more than they all gave to my mother. All your "honesty" and "opinions" are NEVER going to besmirch their facility. NEVER. NEVER.

I wonder how many people feel badly about sibling relationships going sour over disagreements on caregiving, especially when parents may favor one child over another one.

Elder care does impact the entire family. Siblings don’t always agree on how caregiving should be handled.

Siblings very often try to make the caregiver sibling feel awful if they find it necessary to place their mom in a facility.

Jodi,

I totally agree more. In many cases, less really is more!

NHWM,

It's just my opinion, but I feel that we humans are like fungus!
We grow to our environment!!

Some are never happy with what they have! They always want more!

I learned a long time ago that there is a HUGE difference between what we need and what we want!!

That knowledge has served me well. Now I just wish I could explain it to my hubby!! Lol

I don’t understand how misspending money is so common.

Hoarding of money is just as bad. Parents who don’t want to spend money on caregivers because they insists on leaving money to their children. That’s ridiculous!

The children make their own money. They would rather the money spent for caregivers or assisted living.

Parents want children to feel special because the parents have a few dollars in the bank and they will inherit it.

I get that they lived through the depression so they are frugal but it becomes a burden on the children to care for their parents.

Jodi,

Sometimes I think about these people who win those mega power ball lotteries and never have to work again in their lifetime, and then they go bankrupt!

How in the world does that happen?

They could donate to medical research or tons of other good causes.

How do you waste that much money?

That is actually sinful to blow that much money.

I would give a lot away to charity but I can’t imagine wasting it!

NHWM,

Please know that I took no offense!!
Let's face it, it's not the norm anymore!
It was extremely hard for me to give up my career, but in the end, it's what works best for DH & me.
I don't regret it, however, I miss my patient interaction. And I do enjoy my volunteer work!!😊

Disgustedtoo,

Sorry just saw your comment to me.
I honestly have been flying by the seat of my pants.
I haven't as of yet had any problems with SS. I signed and filed her taxes as POA last year with no questions asked. Because the mortuary notified SS of my Uncle's death, they automatically adjusted her payments. They are automatically deposited.
Now I'm a little concerned about what I may be missing or doing wrong!
You're input is greatly appreciated!!🤯

Jodi,

Great answer! I am in no way suggesting that women working in the home isn’t work.

Raising kids is work and is the most important work!

Same for volunteering.

I’ve done both. Worked outside of the house. Stayed home when my kids were young. Went back to work. Quit to take care of mom. Volunteered at a variety of places.

I do absolutely hate when women pit against each other. No matter what the circumstances.

Disgustedtoo,

As usual, you're spot on!!
Tonight I also find myself near the breaking point with my siblings.
One has done literally nothing and the other (set up my Aunts phone) has basically gone MIA.
I haven't been able to call my Aunt in 2 weeks!! And he hasn't fixed the issue yet!
I can't rely on either of my brothers!! Ugh!!

NHWM,

I am ironically on the flip side of the gender equality issue.
I raised 3 kids as a single mom. I bought my own home and worked 2 jobs to make ends meet.
Long story short, I quit my job 12 years ago and became a homemaker. A concept that was VERY foreign to me.
I always get the sideways glance when someone (especially women) asks me what I do for a living!!
One of these days I might lose my composure and simply tell them "I do my hubby "!! Lol