You just have to laugh sometimes.....
Some of my recent favourites are:
"I had a terrible night last night. I had to stay awake .. until I went to sleep" (said several times over, with greater emphasis each time, because of course if you repeat it, then it must make sense.)
"drinking water causes gas, so no water, and no salt, cause salt makes you drink water"
"the toothpaste took all the enamel off my teeth in just 3 days!"
Today, he has another accusation. My dad is a hoarder despite being bedridden. He will keep his vinegar water for days. He also keeps trying to save the empty plastic container of his chocolate drink. I know him. He will use these plastic bottles to keep his vinegar drink. So, when I come across it, I throw it away.
After drinking one tonight, knowing I'm there, he said, "I need to hide this bottle. If K sees it, she will throw it." Because it's so true, I started laughing. He looked startled and started laughing so hard.
Dad said he was going to start driving again... it's been six years since he was back behind the wheel, since then this eyesight has faded and his knees don't work well. I reminded Dad of that.
Then Dad said he was going to have Mom do the driving.... I reminded Dad that Mom [she 97] is legally blind.... doesn't matter as Dad said he could tell her when to stop, when to go, when to turn, etc. Ok.
Then I had to remind Dad that Mom is also deaf.
Anyways, she can rinse her hair out for ten minutes and still think she has shampoo in it, so I just rinse it out for her most of the time because I don't exactly want to stand there for half an hour while she gets soap out of her hair that isn't even there (all the while complaining how cold she is, but unwilling to just put the stupid shower thing down and get out of the tub).
Last hair-wash day, I rinsed her hair out; I even did it a second time just to satisfy her. But she still insisted she had soap in her hair. I told her no, she didn't, and turned the water off. She got that jutting-chin, narrowed-eye look and started arguing while I gave her her towels. I turned to leave the room and she said, "How about I hold you down and soap you all over?"
I couldn't get out of there fast enough, I was cracking UP. You'd have to know her, and hear the tone of her voice, but it was hilarious.
I didn't know where that question came from. Because I didn't answer right away, he repeated the question.
I finally replied, "No. If I took the car, it would sink in the ocean."
Uhm..the only way out of here is by airplane. We live in an island, not in the mainland.
Mum knows who I am today she told the doctors at the hospital that if I wasnt such a pig she would like me a bit - cheers mum
She has never ever been able to be really up front about what she wants needs etc. If we go out for dinner she always has what someone else does rather than make a decision for herself ...drives me nuts so I always choose something she wont eat just to be difficult! Now dementia is setting in it is much much worse
Today was a point in question - what sre YOU having ...squid says I knowing she hates it and then she said really loudly why cant you bloody choose something I like for once. Well I nearly fell off my chair and then saw the funny side of things. Mum NEVER swears she would always say it is only people who dont have the skills to speak effectively who find the need to swear - well that would be me then because I am awful for it especially when driving (because of course I am the best driver in the world [not!])
Anyway for her to swear was such a shock; for her to swear loudly even more so and in such a public place like a small restaurant unbelievable. The waitress was speechless and mum realised she had said something wrong but wasn't sure what so she made it SO much better by saying - what are you looking at you fat cow? We had dinner at home today - I really couldnt tolerate the embarrassment.
After we had eaten she said I like your cooking better than going to my daughters - Im glad you took me out of there.....Ho hum I am the only daughter she has so am I the fat cow or does she think I am the carer - either way she clearly didnt want to eat there!
The therapist was a little shocked that my easy-going, mild-mannered Mom said that - twice. LOL
However, I also quite frequently get the recitation about "beans" (the musical fruit...) and I get the impression that one is fairly widespread across the US.
The lidl boids're on the wing -
Ain't that absoid?
The lidl wings're on the boid!
I have absolutely no idea why the anthology I saw this quoted in insisted it had to be recited with a New York accent. Can you enlighten me on that???
Those of you who have heard that ad nauseum throughout your lives might get a chuckle out of this little ditty from my Mom's children, as I know they learned such elevated poetry and such:
Spring is sprung,
The flowers riz,
I wonder where the birdies is.
OKaaay says I thinking I am going to kill someone soon. Male voice very stern I believe you think you have been underpaid? In that sort of silk sarcy tone I know so well - hell I use it a lot! No no sir I dont (I like to wrong foot them)
Oh Im sorry I misunderstood....
I am wanting to speak to someone senior because for the last 10 weeks I have been talking to what I can only class as incompetent fools... and before you get cross with me I completed all the forms twice, I sent in the documents 3 times, I have been told it has been referred 4 times and lied to 3 of those times to my knowledge and now I am told you are overworked...well in my capacity as an ex senior manager of a corporation we had one motto to staffing. If you do it right first time you get less phone calls, make life easier for everyone ineternal and external and therefore can manage effectively and this is not what I am seeing is it.
Well he says you will be pleased to know your payment has been approved from April 25th...
Explosion time.....I sent in forms dated 25/1 have you got those ...YES hes said
So why only from April 25th ...erm erm erm erm erm and a whole host more splutters
Right I am now placing a time limit on this...if I dont hear from you in the next 60 minutes I will take this to the press and I will twitter until it goes viral and believe me I have no joy in saying this but it will happen additionally I will talk to my brand spanky new MP and he will take notice because he wont want bad press either.
Erm erm erm I will see what I can do.
No you wont I dont want you to see what you can do I want it rectified in the next hour.
15 minutes later result oversight apology is there anything else we can do for you?
Yes you can send your staff to proper training on effective working and total quality management....or sack them
No sense of humour? well actually he laughed and said I can understand why you feel that way. I can therefore only conclude that there is a human working there it just takes 3 months to find them
I have been trying for 15 weeks to get payment reinstated and today was told they are understaffed
their workload is high
I couldnt possibly understand what has to be considered
Now I actually dont care if they are understaffed
I dont think they know what a high workload is
And as an ex senior manager in a corporation I suspect I could understand what has to be considered
Sorry sense of humour took over - I said since I aman honours graduate and not an imbecile perhaps you couldn't explain it to me in terms I wouldn't find patronizing, add that to the fact that you are not confined to caring for someone who can emit faecal and urine output at any given time day or night and demand my attention immediately , add to that the fact that you are not constantly having to talk to idiots who think you are an imbecile , I think I would happily swap positions - h*ll I might even get paid too!
I thought it was funny she didnt - still no pay!