You just have to laugh sometimes.....
Some of my recent favourites are:
"I had a terrible night last night. I had to stay awake .. until I went to sleep" (said several times over, with greater emphasis each time, because of course if you repeat it, then it must make sense.)
"drinking water causes gas, so no water, and no salt, cause salt makes you drink water"
"the toothpaste took all the enamel off my teeth in just 3 days!"
Doctor and why did you do this
Well I dont want to live with Alzheimers - anyone would think you think thats wrong
Well as a doctor there is a lot we can do to help
Can you get rid of alzheimers?
Well no but...
Well if you cant get rid of it why cant I die?
Well you need to think of your family
If I had family I would be in Switzerland at Dignitas. I am neither foolish nor insane young man. I have lived a grand life and done many things you will never do. I have walked among princes and dined among emperors and I will not be told by some young whippersnapper of a doctor when I can die. Good grief its actually preposterous that you think I am insane andbefore you start I do not have depression - that is for mamby pambys - I was a full time nanny for some of the richest people in theworld not a mamby pamby.
Well I was sat in the next cubicle hooting with laughter tinged with sorrow- for this woman really felt her useful life was over and she would just like to choose with dignity her method of departure from this world. All I can say is I hope someone upstairs hears her prayer and guides her with dignity to a quick closure.
We got to hang on to the good
I play a Glenn Miller CD in the car whenever we go anywhere and one of the songs that began to play.... my Mom got so EXCITED..she screamed : "Sentimental Noodle"!!!! (for the Sentimental Journey song....)
One day my mom was trying to console my Aunt who was very upset about her increasing bouts of Dementia
My Aunt : I am so embrassed my mind is going
She was crying and repeating "I want to just die"
My mom "Honey we are old nobdy pays any mind to us While just the other day I was at my friends 60 th anniversary party.My friend pinned a flower on me. I said to her Did I win a prize why the flower? My friend said because you were my maid of honor you ass"
My Aunt swiped her tears,looked Mom in the face
.serious as could be
Aunt:": Umh, Ass I will remember to call you that from now on!"
We all laughed til we cried happy tears
Mom: What is this?
Me: Poison, Mom
Mom: Gee, love you too.
She always kept a calendar with regard to that sort of thing or so I thought - then much much later when I emntioned it to her (she was about 58 at the time I saw my dad smile and roll his eyes.
Later he said to me thats 'our' day - me and your mum - now that did make me blush.
Her and dad had very different views - she told me I would have to put up with sex or the man would go elsewhere (dad did from time to time) but dad said anywhere was fine even the kitchen table! (that explained why he went astray periodically).
My mother wont use terms for any part of her body that in the normal scheme of things wouldnt be on show so basically anything a bathing costume covers. That makes it really difficult when we go to the doctors about anything in that regard. I have tried to get her to understand the terms ie anus vagina groin breasts nipple.
Example So XXXX where do you have pain.....down there ...can you tell me where XXXX i just said down there. Can you point to the pain? Sorry doctor (said with the deepest sarcasm) dont you know where down there is? The doctor and I have this sorted now - fortunately both of us know how to sign the letters of the alphabet it can be a godsend! I just sign the letter a or v and she at least has a clue where she is looking!
Mom: did you bring me candy?
Me: yes.
Mom: can I have it?
Me: how about after dinner?
Mom: ok.
After dinner...
Mom: where's my candy?
Me, after unwrapping and handing to her: here.
Mom: what is it?
Me: a Cadbury egg.
Mom: do I have to peel it?
Me: um no, ma. Just eat it.
Me: When did they live in a tree? I only remember the farm house.
Mom: Oh that burned down and a tree fell on it and they decided to live in the hole on the tree.
Me: I guess they aren't there anymore. Last I saw them they were not in a tree. (which is totally true.)
Mom: Are they still together?
Me: Oh yes absolutely. They always will be. (Because they are buried next to each other!)
Mom: Do you ever hear from them? It's been a long time since I've heard from any of them.
Me: Well....(thinking what do I say?! WHAT DO I SAY!!! THINK!!!) Um....
Grandma wants you to know she loves you very much and to make sure to do what the doctor says.
Mom: Oh good.
WHEW. That was a close one.
I started to giggle when Mom did it again a second time a minute later... told Dad if Mom is checking up on who Dad is talking to by sneaking a listen on the extension her hearing aid is a dead give away.... that got Dad really laughing, hadn't heard Dad laugh like that in quite some time :)
Also, had to buy her an Easter lily to watch.
Well, I'd better take the Easter cards off the counter. Mom just wished me a Happy Easter - she does that every time she sees the cards.
Say, for next year, maybe I'll wait until the day after Easter so I can get the candy on markdown. If I tell her it's Easter, she might not really know the difference. :-)
Me: no, Ma...my kids are grown, so I don't color eggs anymore.
Mom: why not? Do you think the store sells them already colored?
Me. probably.
Mom: if I start walking now, do you think I could get to the store before they close?
Me: Ma, I'll color eggs for you if you want them.
Mom: well, rah-rah-lizard sh*t! I could color eggs too! I just wanted to know if they color the eggs or the shells!
Me: (open mouth, furrowed brow, confused silence...)
Later next day...
Mom: did you get any Easter candy?
Me: (oh sh*t, here we go!) No, Ma. I'll pick some up tomorrow.
Mom: why didn't you get any Easter candy?
Lesson learned. You're never too old for Easter eggs and candy. Guess I'm stopping at the store on the way home.
Mom - Dog Park? Dogs Park There??
A little off-topic, as well, but we watched Carl Reiner (comedian in his 90's) being interviewed on TV a few weeks ago. He said he starts his day by reading the obituaries. If he's not in there, he goes about his business for the day. We all got a laugh out of that, especially Mom. I think she liked the interview, too, because he's still quite active.
Bro called today while I was out. Since my dad's hearing is bad, Dad put the cordless phone on speaker. Fave niece thought it was hilarious the conversation between grandpa and uncle.
Grandpa, "Are you dead?" Uncle tells him no, that he's not dead.
Grandpa, "Why aren't you dead? So, am I dead?" Uncle, laughing, trying to explain that they're both not dead.... after some back and forth normal conversation....
Grandpa, "You're not dead?"