I am 32 years old and getting married in 4 weeks. My mother recently told me that she was kicked out of her apartment in another state and has no where to go. She has many medical issues that go untreated because she spends what little money she can come up with on frivolous things. She has been on unemployment for years. She has sold off all of her belongings and expects me to offer her to live in my one bedroom house with my future husband and our 3 pets. We can't even stand her visiting for more that a few days, let alone move in. We are at each others throats when she is here because of all the lies she tells and forces us into. We are planning a wedding and trying to cope with recovering from the hurricane which has left my fiancee out of work. How do I help her without ruining my wedding or relationship, or how do I tell her how I feel without it coming between us? I cry myself to sleep every night over who comes first..my mom or my future husband.
You do have a responsibility toward your mother, too, (in most cases). Where is Mother now? Living in a homeless shelter? Living under a bridge? Call Social Services in her county, explain the situation, and ask them to visit her to do an intake assessment. Unemployment benefits eventually run out; your mother cannot have been on that for years (although that is what she may have told you), so I wonder if she is already getting some kind of benefits and if she has a case worker. The Social Services person should be able to determine that.
The county Social Services department here is awesome, but I understand that in some states it is overwhelmed and underbudgetted and may not be able to help in a timely manner. If that is the case where your mother is, then I'd contact Adult Protection Services and explain your mother's eviction.
Do everything you can to see that your mother has a clean, safe place to live -- NOT WITH YOU. If this means you take a few days off from planning your wedding and go to her state, so be it. But do what you can by telephone first.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Building a strong relationship with your husband is now your first priority. Don't abandon your mother, and do give her reasonable help.
Let us know how this plays out. We learn from each other!
Are there any boarding facilities (such as a Y with beds) in your area? Transitional housing? Would she qualify for subsidized housing? (There is usually a waiting list, but the sooner she applies, the sooner her name will work its way up to the top.) What is the least expensive clean by-the-week motel in your area? Have some options in mind. She shows up, you take her to a moderate-priced restaurant, have a nice meal, show her the list and offer to give her a ride to the one of her choice.
If she moves to your area then you need to contact the Social Services folks in the county she moved to.
Is she on disability payments? Is she qualified?
There are many ways you can/should help her if she is willing to let you. But moving her in with you is definitely not one of them. Be very clear about that in your own mind and in your conversations with soon-to-be husband.
Try not to get so anxious about your wedding. In spite of the myths surrounding that event, it is seldom the best day in your life -- and wouldn't it be sad if you had the best day at age 32 and had nothing better to look forward to? Sure, it is special and you want it to be awesome. But if some small wedding task doesn't get done now because you have to run around making contingency plans for your mother or spend time talking to social workers, etc. your wedding won't be ruined. If your mother is angry and behaves badly before or during your wedding, that reflects badly on her, and would wreck your wedding only if you take the attitude that it is ruined.
You seem to be talking yourself into the position that you'll have no choice if she shows up. That is simply not true.
Next time she tells you she has a job lined up in NJ, ask her where she is planning to live. If she says she'll stay with you, explain firmly that you and sweetie have decided you need to live alone, so that won't be possible, but that you will help her look for lodging near where she will be working. She gets angry? Well, you can't control that, but if you lose your mom over that then I guess there was something fundamentally flawed in that relationship to start with. I think it is better to deal with this on the phone, soon, than to risk having her show up without plans.
And BTW, if your mother threatens to boycott your wedding over this, stay firm. "That is your choice, Mother. We will miss having you share this important milestone in my life, but you need to do what you think best." Do not be blackmailed.
Stay strong and let us know how you make out. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Joan
Frankly I think your relationship with her is already damaged - not by anything you have done, but by what your mother has, and is doing. She is narcissistic and will insist on coming first -before anyone in your life, and not care what that does to you. That is very unhealthy. A heathy mother would be supporting you at this time any way she could. You cannot have a healthy relationshi with someone who behaves as she does. In my experience, you need to grieve that you never had nor will have the mother that you needed/need, accept her as she is, give her the assistance that is absoolutely necessary, but do NOT allow her into your home, or into your marriage. Your husband comes first, without question.
I am in the exact same situation except I just got married and have two stepsons full time in our two bedroom house. We have no room yet my mom is in a hotel thanks to Salvation Army. I'm so lost on what to do and heartbroken. It's easy for people to say what should be done when it's not their parent. I'm just curious what happened. What did you find. I'm desperate for help and appreciate any advice. Thanks for anything you can offer for advice
You owe your moms compassion but you don't owe them a blank check to come into your lives and wreak havoc on your living arrangements and relationships. Your moms have made their own choices that weren't very good ones. But that doesn't mean you have to step in and take up the slack for their bad choices. As long as they have you to be *the adult* and bail them out, they don't have to take responsibility for their own choices. So drop the guilt and listen to your "adopted aunties" on here and set firm boundaries with your moms. Let me repeat that - firm boundaries. You've gotten lots of great advice on here...now just follow through. It won't be easy, but you'll be setting the stage for a happy life for yourself and your OWN new family of husband and pets.
Thanks for all of the advise and kind words, I just don't think I will ever get away from her.
Jersey Bride now Mom
jersey,
hug those three pets for me while your tossing ice water on your mom thru the screen door .
I think we need to be compassionate/caring towards ourselves too. If caring for someone else affects us too negatively, we need to change what we are doing.
I see compassion on all that mimi tried to do for her mother - "we rescued them, let them stay with us, gave them money found new doctors, talked to social workers, filled out disability forms etc...." but her mother rejected all attempts to help her.
It sounds like mimi tried everything she could to help her mother, at the cost of her own health, but her mother did not cooperate at all. Finally mimi was worn out and had to attend to herself and her family. You need to care for yourself while caring for others. (((((((hugs)))))) mimi
I have read several of these"blogs" and all they are are selfish people encouraging others to be selfish. Loving and caring goes both ways. Mothers don't raise their children the best they can expecting their children to turn their backs on them when they need them the most. But then they find places like this on the Internet that encourage their children to stab them in the back, and "Oh, it's Mom's fault.".
I can't get a place to live because of my credit and I have no address. I don't know what I am going to do when it gets cold. And thanks to you people and what you encourage people to do, I can't go to my children. My daughter has even "researched" on the Internet and has given me a diagnosis of having Borderline Personality Disorder. I read about that in one of these "blogs", that that is what most homeless parents, especially mothers, have. She saw it and ran away with it.
I hope you are satisfied. You say about destroying relationship. You all have destroyed my relationship with my children, especially my daughter.
Have you been in touch with social services to find you temporary housing?
There are folks with Borderline Personality Disorder who are able to lead relatively normal lives when they are compliant with meds and therapy. Without those, folks with BPD go haywire; there are difficulties with forming close relationships that come into play and interfere with day to day functioning.
My objection to the BPD "diagnosis" is that my daughter gave me several dozen reasons why she wouldn't help me. I countered every one. Her last reason was her "diagnosis". This from someone who dropped out of college at the end of her first year, really didn't even finish the year. She apparently read about the BPD in one of these blogs and "researched" it. I guess she decided that it fit me because she said that she loves me but I have to get help. She has no degree in anything, much less Psychology, nothing to support her "diagnosis". Just another excuse to turn her back on me.
I have a feeling there's a backstory to your daughter's refusal to help you. It sounds like she's spent a lot of time trying to figure out your relationship and has set some boundaries with you. I doubt that was easy for her. Tell us more of the back story. Why was your credit wrecked, so that you are forced to live in your car? What choices have you made that have led you to this point? How do you want your daughter to be there for you?
As for the back story, we have always had a good relationship. We always got along. In 2009 she moved to California. She liked it at first but got homesick and was going to come back. Then she met this guy who got her started smoking pot. She had never done anything like that, that I knew of anyway. And she changed, not for the better. She didn't want to come back anymore because of this guy. I thought "Oh well maybe it will wear off.". But it didn't. He moved in, no job and lived off of her for almost a year. He was from Arizona and had to go back for some reason. He didn't come back and it broke her heart. By then she was a habitual pot smoker and I think may have experimented with other things. And she didn't change back. She used to be very sweet but I don't see that very much any more. She had never had very much of a temper but now she does. I never know how she is going to be when I talk to her but I think that is the pot and/or whatever else she is doing. A friend of hers from here went to live out there and stayed with her at first. She texted me and told me that she was worried about my daughter, that she was different and not in a good way. Then my daughter was in a really bad bad car crash. Her back was broken in two places and she had seven broken ribs. She eventually lost one of her kidneys. She was totally out the first two weeks after the accident. They did that at the hospital because she would have been in so much pain. She doesn't even remember me being there. She left the hospital and I went and stayed with her for three weeks. In the hospital, I took care of her like a private nurse. I did at her home too. I did everything for her, like I have always done, because I love her because she is my daughter. I couldn't stay longer because I had left her brother, who was unemployed, with only a little bit of money, and I work at a school so I had to come back for that. She says I was only there for a couple of weeks, mainly because of her being out the first two weeks and then she was groggy the third week. I think that she has held it against me.
In order for her to not get hooked on pain meds, she has one of those medical cards and uses cannabis. I have never liked it but I read up on it and it does help with pain. So I haven't said anything. But she knows that I don't like it. That was one of her reasons for me not coming to live with her, I think the main one. Even though I have never said anything at all, she said that I would be judging her about using drugs. Which isn't true. And I tried to tell her that. It helps her so she needs it.
So I am just letting her go. It hurts me a lot but I am not going to bang my head against a brick wall and chase her around because she doesn't want me around. Even if it means that I am living in my car. But she will have to come to me and apologize. I may or may not take it her apology but we will just have to wait and see.
Is that enough of a back story?
And I haven't told friends and relatives because I have felt the change in people's attitudes when I go to look for somewhere to live and I am forced sometimes to tell them that I am homeless. I don't want to feel that from my family and friends.
And Blannie, if you have never had children, you can't understand. So why do you comment?
Put aside the grown children for now as they are adults. You need to look out for yourself at this point in time.
Also within the past decade or so, women are now in the workforce, thus no one is home to take care of an elder, unless one resigns from their career. Or pay for outside help. And not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, I wasn't so I concentrated on the logistical side of caregiving which in itself was overwhelming.
Plus our elders are living longer. During the time of the Walton's, someone in their 50's and 60's would had been considered very elderly, and modern science wasn't available, so more heart attacks, cancers, etc.
Now a days elders live into their 90's and 100's. My own parents were 95 and 98. I had to set boundaries, as my parents still viewed me as being in my 30's with a lot of energy, not someone in their 60's with my own age decline issues and major health issues. Without boundaries my parents would have outlived me.