Hi AC Forum,
I feel like I run the gamut of emotions on a weekly basis. I think that is a difficult side of this caregiving. Not being able to fully satisfy - or not being able to satisfy for what should be a normnal period of time. And on the same token know that each day you go down this path you just running to the finish line.
It's the craziest and horrible life as I am not able to live my life, yet I have a hard time thinking of my mom living with less. Also not being the face of which she says to at first seeing her and asking her how she is, "Better now that I see you!" Knowing that you are the comfort in their sight. Yet what it takes from one feels enormous - emotionally, monetarily, physically.
How are you doing?
LastOne
Sounds like you are doing your best to make sure she is happy and it is no fault of your own that she is not. Hard as it is, you can't take it personally, let her comments roll off your back or make a joke out of it, I make sarcastic comments to my Mom when she say's or does something ridiculous until she starts laughing. The same joke may happen over and over but I have to remember her memory is not longer than a minute with somethings. I won't say somedays I still feel like banging my head against a wall and screaming but I know things are not going to get better, they will get worse. So, my survival is to A) Don't take it personally. B) Joke about her ridiculousness. It does no good to do the "tit for tat" as it is a waste of time. Both of you end up getting upset. You did the right thing by not letting the Nursing Home be able to take her house away for financial leverage and you are also making sure she is being attended to. Let's face it, getting old can really stink and it's hard to come to terms with other people having to help you do the very basic things necessary to make it through the day. I would be crabby too (and I am sure I will be) if I live long enough to rely on others, and I pray I don't live that long! 😉 Hang in there, I find laughing saves the day so it is imperative to turn things around with a silly response!
You are not alone as you can see from many others on this site that share similar fates. I can completely understand how you have had to give up your life and your paycheck to care for your Dad and not just shove him into a nursing home. I also have two brothers that have painted me in a similar light and have no clue what it's like having little money because you cannot work a normal job anymore and have ZERO freedom. They think we are mooching off our parents and feel we SHOULD be doing everything because we live with them. That allows them to feel justified in doing nothing at all and go about their lives with freedom, vacations, money from their jobs and having social lives. My mother chose me to live with and be her caregiver and that just brought out the worst in them. I did not talk her into it, I would have been fine if she had chosen one of them over me. They would have put her in a home and she would have been broke in less than 8 years (especially in over priced California) and then what? She also spent her life as an RN working in those very facilities and they were fine thinking she should just go back and be a resident this time. Cruel. Well, it has certainly been revealing of their true nature and when Mom does pass, I want nothing more to do with them.
You are not alone. Try to keep remembering no matter what your sister say's, you ARE doing the right thing and you have a good heart for the sacrifice you have chosen to make. Please do try to care for yourself as much as possible, hard as that seems to be, it is critical or you will end up compromising your own health in the long run, even if it means getting a caregiver for a few hours of respite once a week or whatever is necessary for your own sanity. 😊
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If you are all financially independent, why isn't your mother taking care of her own needs and living either by herself with assistance or in a facility?
No, you can't go back, as you write, but why can't you go forward to a different and better way of life?
I make most of her doctor appointments, schedule transport for them, pick up her prescriptions, try to take her to stores (when she feels like going, then when she doesn't she gets mad when I can't take her) My brother lives in MA, he is supposed to be driving down her to get her for a couple of months, which is appreciated. But, he doesn't completely understand what I deal with. I have told him but he doesn't seem to believe me. She bad talks his wife (in my opinion, for NO reason, other than she is not happy unless she is miserable) She doesn't like my husband either.
I love my mom but I can't stand how horrible she can be. She has a parrot that is not in good health, she doesn't have the money to take him to the vet so she agreed to let me take him to a parrot rescue. At the last minute she changed her mind. I was very upset over this and she said he would die in her house because only she can take care of him and she didn't care if I never spoke to her again. That was pretty hurtful. I have done nothing but try to help.
I am bitter and angry that I am dealing with this. I work full time, I have a bad back and two years ago my husband hurt his back at work. He is dealing with worker's comp, and she yelled at him and told him he needed to get a job...which he can't of course. She was just recently at the hospital (she was fine, I think she is trying to find excuses for not going to my brother's for the summer) and she called me saying how horrible everyone was to her at the hospital. This is the same no matter where she goes. She makes everyone miserable. I am ashamed that I feel this way about my mother, but I can't keep dealing with it. I can't leave, especially now with my husband not working.
I am so tired of dealing with everything alone. My husband is tired of the way she treats me, plus he has to stay home and listen to her every single day.
I think dementia is indiscriminate, kinda like cancer and some other awful diseases. No, we did not give them dementia but I am pretty sure it's nothing they would have signed up for either. Yes, we feel guilty, and I am sure it's partly because we remember all the things they did for us when we kids and even as adults, they make sacrifices when we need them. No, they aren't perfect, they probably made mistakes, just as we do. Now, we care for them, we get frustrated, maybe lose our composure from time to time. We feel guilty. Deep down beyond the frustration, we know they can't help their behavior. We have good days and bad days, just like they do but in different ways. Somedays we don't feel like dealing with helping our parent by repeating things over and over, watching them become more helpless and dissapearing before our eyes......it's painful. Somedays, you are blessed with a little more clarity from them where you catch glimpses of who they were prior to dementia. Good days and bad for both of us.
We feel trapped and unless we are wealthy, we are. We cannot afford to bring in outside help for respite or parent does not want it. We feel robbed of freedom, our careers and many other things. It's easy to feel upset and angry and it is not wrong to have those feelings. I really do understand. I got upset with her today for her stubborn, spoiled bratty behavior because I wanted her to quit relying on pills to go to the bathroom without difficulty, she rebuffed. Just trying to help. Breathe. Tomorrow is another day.
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Sleep well... 💓
A baby is so much easier than an adult! A baby is free of adult responsibilities, money, property, possesions, they are growing stronger and healthier and learning new things. Your parent has property, money to now watch, protect for them, pay their bills, they are going the other direction. Their bodies and or minds are failing, they are much harder to dress, give baths, transfer on and off toilets, chairs, beds. Makes a baby seem like a cinch! I decided not to have kids, because I did not want the responsibility. Also, I remember clearly the h*ll Mom went through with the 4 of us as teenagers. No thank you!!!! It was mayhem in our house growing up. Now my brothers are M.I.A when it comes to assisting Mom, so it's all me. However, they are sure to paint me out as the bad guy because Mom chose me to be her caregiver, they have no clue what life is like with her now. Guess there is another reason I am glad I did not have kids, I'd be bouncing off the walls in a rubber room now when the men in the white coats came to get me! LOL! I know there are caregivers doing both, God Bless them, I don't know how they manage it all.
My kindred spirit, you just nail how I feel and say it as if we were experiencing the same life. My Mom can't understand why I hate going shopping, it seems like everytime I leave the house, gotta go to the darn store for something. Food and drugstore for Mom, food and petstore for husband and I, food and drugstore for the little lady I do part time caregiving for, it's never ending! What an exciting life we live, the envy of all our (used to be) friends. They are out going to shows, trips, wine tasting, enjoying their lives, and we are at the grocery store, AGAIN! Woo hoo! Oh, and AMEN about the world going goofy, talk about the constant Twilight Zone seems like the new norm. I feel so old saying that but jeez, it really is getting so looney.