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That sounds wonderful! Enjoy
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My 99 years old MIL is very similar and the tough part of taking care about her were her night time alerts. My husband and I were very tired in a while. Her geriatrist prescribed simple melatonin but it made a huge difference. She still wakes up during the night but instead of every night she does it once a week. Not ideal but bearable.
You might to try it. It has helped us a lot.
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Just reading it makes me sad...42 years together is wonderful and it must be difficult to stay together only in heart and mind. But we have memories and until we remember they are alive for us.
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That is so hard.
He wants to be independent and doesn't know his memory is not there.

My MIL is like that too. She doesn't understand the fuss over her memory issues as she doesn't see that she has any.
I hope you can find time for yourself.
Take care.
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Good news here. At least for me. My Gang of previous 4H students and their kids are coming to the farm this weekend for fun and distraction.

We keep someone here at all times to watch over my DH while I get to go riding, hiking, and doing some pre dawn photography!
My Gang also, weeds my garden, mows yard, fixes fences, and helps out with any chores that need doing.
Then we stay up late at night and watch the stars and enjoy life.

I look forward to seeing them and their crazy fun kids and dog. It even distracts my DH for a bit as the father of the gang will sit and talk welding, tractors, and fun stuff with my husband. My hubby may not visit long but he will be included as much as possible.

The nicest part about this? I don't have to explain a thing to my Gang. They already know how to handle our situation.
Have a great weekend, if you can. This is what I've needed for a while!
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i am feeling really agitated with my father in law this week. he keeps bringing up this low income apartment that he thinks he is on a waitlist for. he says that his memory is getting better. i try to explain that we have tried that but he didn’t eat for 7 days and didn’t take his medication and he ended up in the hospital and nursing home and that’s why he is living with us. my he my husband talked with him. however he has been really nasty with me but he did apologize after my husband talked to him. i just said we talk about it every day and i really don’t want to go around again. i walk away. but now his friend is telling him to fill out the application for this apartment. i wish that people would just stay out of it. they don’t live with him. he then does little things in the yard and he vacuum something that doesn’t need it and i take it as my place isn’t nice enough or get frustrated. i woke up at 4:30 this morning feeling so guilty about feeling like this. i just realized that he thinks he is helping out and i just need to say thank you. everyone needs to feel appreciated and needed. i have been doing a lot of reflecting and i am just going to try to just say thank you. it’s just been a hard couple weeks and i miss my husband so much. i am also allowing everyone to tell me what i should do. i can’t make everyone happy. i just need to take care of myself. thank you all for listening and all your support. love you all. have a great day.
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Jumping on here late, but I'm doing great, feel great.  Reaching some plateaus of this journey as a caregiver.  I struggled for a long time with the "what about my life" issue.  No matter how hard I tried, it came back to this.  I've accepted the fact this is a part of my journey and I will finish it out well, with love,  Now I'm figuring out who and what and where will I be when this is done, and alone.  I have kids, but to a degree still alone until they need something, lol.  Mom is going to scale down a lot, do her crafty stuff, garden and travel, I day dream about it on a daily basis.  This combo gets me thru each day, each week, each month, each year.  Love to all.
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God Bless You, your struggles make mine so minimal. I truly wish I could help you. Be strong. The caregiver idea could be just what you need. You are in my prayers, as well as your husband.
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Very sorry for what you are feeling and going through, that is rough. I am keeping you in my prayers. Lean on the Lord.
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Mrs bill, sorry for your loss & that you had no time to grieve. 42 years is amazing. Sending you peace
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Hi Georgia, welcome & im glad you found this site. I've been on here a bit over a year & have learned a lot, gotten cheered up when I've been down, shared a bit & just felt better knowing 24/7 there are people who care.
I wanted to share the best bit of advice somebody on here shared. Don't struggle to do the best you can all the time because that isn't sustainable. Do what you can for as long as you can. I've lived that advice since I heard it & I believe it's what has kept me sane, healthy & still able to smile. When I first started caring for mom I was going to be a physical therapist, nutritionist, germ erradicator, psychologist & best friend, can you imagine the quick burn out? Now im
her daughter, loving her & taking care of her as well as I can. It's not perfect her meals aren't balanced, some days her movement is from her bed to the table & the couch, repeat, but I'm here & she's still home. Everyday that's a win. Wishing you the best, I can't imagine 3.
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Dear John sometimes it feels like an eternity and i find myself wondering if she will outlive me. Dementia/Alzheimers is probably one of the worst illnesses to deal with in a loved one. Does your mother take cat naps during the day? You could use that time to maybe grab a few winks of sleep for yourself. I don't have any respite help but find if i get up earlier than she does i can use this time for myself exclusively like take a walk, read, call a friend, pray, or whatever to destress. I hope you can find some time for you as it is the most important factor in my opinion to avoid depression. Good luck and God Bless you.
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A couple of hours respite a day is what you need. Its normal to feel resentment towards the care recipient, it's called caregiver burnout syndrome. If you can afford it, have a professional caregiver come in daily and use that time to unwind or you may contact the VA (they pay for this service), use your long term care insurance, or Medicaid. Good luck!
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Not doing as well as I had hoped I would Lost my husband last August from cancer and I was his caregiver ( a job I would do all over again) for the last 6 month. Now my father, age 95, has bladder cancer, live with him and am his sole caregiver. I'm tired. He argues. I am running out of 'BIG GIRL PANTS' as they say. Still struggling with my loss of such a wonderful husband and friend of 42 years and now this.
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I think asking them to come and take care of your husband is a great idea. Then they could understand what it is like first hand.

I tried that once with my DIL. She didn't last 2 hours before she was on the cell phone asking me to come back from my 'day' hike away [that was during his throat cancer treatments 3 yrs ago.]

You need time away to regroup and find yourself.
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That must be very hard and in the future... it sounds like what I will be going through.
Hugs to you.
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Today? How am I doing? Watching husband fade away with Vascular Dementia and Major Depressive Disorder. He won't get up and move, won't shower, and despite all the best efforts of doctors to convince him to try and hope...he has none.
So how do I cope? I am sad and frustrated, sometimes I am angry and short with him.
So I have found that I need to find other things to do besides trying to get him to get out of bed. He stays there most of the day.
I take care of the farm and check on him nearly hourly.

But then I make arrangements to get off the farm and do something for myself. I mentor 4H'rs in photography and some animals projects, so while hubby is still healthy enough to get safely to the bathroom by himself, I get away from the house and farm for bits of time to engage with other people.

Hubby's psychologist asked me how was I doing this week. I just gave her 'the look' as if to say...how should I be doing?

Struggling.

Val
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Set boundaries firmly and respectfully. Take time to have a life of your own or you just wont. At first I was overwhelmed with how many things where put on my daily todo list just to get Mom through a day. To her way of thinking I magically appear every time she hits the button and I have no life outside her presence. The house magically cleans itself and meals appear from thin air when I bring them to her twice a day. At her age all she truly thinks about is her own little world and how I can benefit it. She still is my loving mother most of the time but at times I have to just stop her so that I don't get completely run over with all her wishes. My own eagerness to please her will keep me going from the time i wake till i time i fall in bed if I allow it. Bounderies <3
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Wishing things were different. Hope you find a way through medication, explain to her doctor that's it your health suffering her sleepless nights. Her mind would obviously benefit from sleep but you can't care for anyone sleep deprived. I find that the days mom keeps me up I make mistakes, I imagine all problems are bigger than they are, my temper is short & my last nerve took the red eye with my sleepless night. It's simply not sustainable. Is a night caregiver an option? Financially everything's a huge burden but your sleep is vital. Mom may not want a night time caregiver but you can't keep staying up & at some point what you want/need matters too.
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My mother got extremely confused again last night. She thinks I am her son-in-law who died in 1995. She says she has to leave to see her grandson. She thinks he is a kid, but he is 53. She wants to go home because she refuses to accept that this is her house. She won't attempt to get some sleep, which I know would help her mental state. Right now it is 4AM. We have been up all night. She is having a conversation with a box of tissues. I can't remember the last time I slept at night. I'm not sure how much longer I can function like this.
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L2bRN, This is where I draw the line, those who judge what they know not do not have a right to ‘share’ their thoughts and opinions. The same goes for those who do nothing.
Lead, follow, or get out of the way has saved much grief on this journey.
I will be adding, “I do not have to make them understand” to my sanity anchor mantras.
Thank you for sharing your heart and reaching out. You have found a safe harbor. You are heard and understood. Praying for you.
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What a heartwarming story. Yes you face challenges, and they may become more demanding, but your love and desire to provide such care is very inspirational. Unfortunately that is not the journey that I and so many others are on. I am the 24/7 caregiver of my husband of 34 years. Our anniversary will be in 3 weeks. His dementia came on slowly, with both if us joking about even the remotest of possibilities. I had forgotten that his mother died of dementia related heart failure. She never knew he had gotten a divorce or had remarried. Now my dear funny husband who had so many skills and was always so busy with household projects-from single-handedly building a beautiful multilevel deck for our then home, to re-building a car motor. Our life together was not perfect, but it was fun and joyful and active. Now he cannot bathe without assistance, is incontinent, does not remember family members, does not know who I am about 80% of the time, thinks he has many wives, all of whom are stealing his retirement money from the bank. He is agitated and angry and experiences "sundowning" almost every night. His decline over this past three years has been so tragic and what has happened as we try to cope emotionally, physically and financially has taken a huge toll on me and the entire family. We have six grown children between us, but only two are able to help or support at all. We keep saying that"this is not dad, his brain is just not functioning" over and over, but the daily minute by minute issues wear you down. I pray and meditate and cry a lot as my long days and nights unfold. There is only an occasional spark of the man I married or his droll humor, there is never ever a good night's sleep. There is no wisdom being imparted here, other than trying to insure that our kids manage their financial resources far better than we did. There is never an opportunity to have more than a monthly 3-4 hours away for me. But honestly, I read your story with sincere happiness for you. I wish you continuing joy.
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Most of the time I feel lonely even though my husband is here with me at home. I have no sensible conversations with him. If I make a comment, he doesn't understand what I'm talking about. we used to share lots but now I don't know what he is thinking about or how he feels about anything. I am sad a lot of the times. I try to accept his actions as it being part of the illness, but sometimes it's just hard.
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Ask them directly if they would come to stay to help not only him out but you as well. If they cannot or will not, then simply tell them YOU need this time away. No other explanation is necessary. Seriously. Do NOT feel responsible to make others understand.

Remember how we cannot "fix others" ? We also cannot MAKE others understand. ( I am a nurse, also, and am on a week vacation right now... my daughter is watching over my mom. Do NOT feel bad about yourself. Just do it. Take the time you need.
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Is there any chance your LO qualify for Medicaid? Specifically Medicaid Long Term Care? You could get help for them that way if any of them do qualify.
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It is wonderful, done out of Love, we need more of that!
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I think I'm doing great, I'm a nurse and still working Hospice on call. I have done this work for 27 years, I leave my husband alone for a few hours a day, He can still use the phone and i call him often, My problem now is i have Planned a trip to my Shaklee convention and have a friend who will care for my husband for 4 days and 3 nights, she will come to my condo for night time and naps. and take him to her home part of the days, but my son and daughter-in-law are very upset that I am leaving him. They say they don't approve. They don't think this is best for him. I know i need to get away, what can I do to help them understand!
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Lynmac44, thank you for sharing❤️
Your beautiful experience, wisdom, and loving perspective has filled my heart, tears of joy are welling. I so needed this gift today. Many blessings and much peace to you and your dear ones❤️
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Peace and strength to all on this thread and our loved ones.
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Hi Georgia.
I just felt compelled to reply to say, you are not alone! And of course you need help! You took on the challenge of your life! Bless your heart. You need you time. Most of us care for 1 person, you are a hero. One thing I can mention, find the funny in all you can. Even just a forced smile to yourself can really change your aggravation. I have to do this daily. ( caregiving to my mom, as I am now menopausal!!!). I smile, but at times I want to snarl.
Have you checked to see what your state offers? Here in Florida, we have what's called " respite care " Medicaid or Medicare sends someone qualified to come and stay with mom so we can do dates, or a weekend getaway. ...something worth checking on.
Linda
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