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6 7 8 9 10
Tess. Stop taking the dogs is the word sucker tattooed on your forehead? I don’t think so
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Dear John: I am so sorry for your loss. Big hugs and sympathies.
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Teresa,
You need to tell that sorry brother of yours you need a break, and that if you keep this up you're going to have a nervous break down. God bless you sister! Like you, I can't stay gone too long from my mom. I RARELY go out at night but the one night I did go out to a Mexican restaurant with a friend, somehow my brother (who lives in another city) found I was there and told me to go home quickly, my mom was worried to death, crying. I had told her days prior, the morning of and even from the restaurant. We have got to take some time to ourselves or we'll crack!
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I live with my best friend, my mom. However, for the last 3 years she's been sending 1 or 2 dollars to every sweepstakes that comes in, they are have her on their "sucker" list I'm sure. My father was in the service, so I am pro military, but every postcard or letter of someone in need has her sending money, writing checks. She doesn't think she has a problem but she does. I've looked up these so called "sweepstakes" online, after she asked me to and showed her it said "SCAM". She keeps right on sending and this is putting a huge strain on me. She makes comments like she's got to ease up on spending, yet she does this. I've tried explaining but nothing seems to help her. I feel defeated, drained, tired. I feel if I continue trying to guide her, she'll hate me, something I never thought was possible.
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Dear John,
I am so very sorry for your loss. You have been a wonderful son. If most men could be like you, what a wonderful world we would live in. You showed the utmost love for your Mom, and God is fully aware of your labor of love. I hope and pray that you find comfort in that you endured through one of the most difficult things in life. I pray that the Lord comforts your heart through your grief process. And I hope that you will be able to carry on as your Mom would want you to, especially after all that you have done for her.
Please don't be a stranger, we care about you and want to make sure how you doing.
Allow yourself to feel and lean on the Lord.
I will keep you in my prayers,
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John,

I think your mom’s most meaningful accomplishment was to raise a good man. And I truly believe those who are good to their parents, are good in everything they do, and successful. Hope you’re able to re-start your life now with your heart filled with peace John. God bless you!
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Today the hospice nurse came for a last visit to talk with me. I talked about Mom; her life, what she was like, what we did together, and her medical history. She said I did everything right so that Mom could pass in as peaceful a manner as possible. She said not many people would do what I have done. She said she would want her son to be like me and to show as much love as I do for my Mom. It did me a lot of good to be able to get out what was inside of me. I don't idolize my Mom. She was an imperfect person as we all are, but that never made me love her any less. I have always been her advocate even when she made it very difficult. She will always live inside of me.
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It's a most helpful forum for venting and accurate information about so many topics; I hear you about the 'wanting to know where you are 24/7' because it's like being a child again, and no one wants that aspect of life as an adult. I hope the drama fades a little and your brother gets a bit more into being responsive to you as you need respite. Does "get off the double night" mean she couldn't get to or off the toilet? Toileting issues between Mom and Son sound particularly touchy for him. Best wishes to you.
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She’s only 53 on a Medicaid waiver. I don’t know how I am going to do this when she REALLY needs me in 20 or 30 years. I’m already exhausted.
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I'm new to this forum. I figured I could vent to people who are in the same boat I'm in. My mom always wants to know where I am. She CAN be left alone for short periods at a time. I had to get her CNA to stay with her for a few hours while I had my colonoscopy about 4 months ago. I go out after church some nights with friends and she hates ut. It's been hard to have a life because of her. My brother is no help at all. He visited her and did her laundry when she was in the nursing home but won't do anything else. My mom couldn't get off the double night ( she has mobility issues) and so I called my brother. He lives five minutes away but it took him 20 minutes to get here. He was mad. He said this was the first and last time he'd do this. He got my mom to the bathroom and left in a huff. He has me taking care of his three dogs and he goes off in his RV and I'm stuck home taking care of 3 dogs and my mom. I'm ready for some respite.
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Whew, sounds like a lot of fun. Not. That severe (IMHO) agitation and negativity? I am not a med fan BUT I would seriously talk to the doc about something to calm her down a few notches. She can't be happy being like that either, all agitated and angry.
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Is that your situation? Sounds like it could be both easier and harder than taking care of a parent.
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I totally hear you on the "don't want to end up like her"! I tell my kids, I am learning from my mom's mistakes and taking good care of myself. Exercise, eat well and keep my weight down. I refuse to be passive about my health and well-being.

It's very frustrating to see our LOs do so very little to better their health, back when they could. Taking meds and sitting in front of the TV is not going to give you a healthy life, unless you're VERY lucky.
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I feel okay, thanks for asking.

"I am not able to live my life" in your OP isn't my outlook because I do live my life, although much of it has to do with Spouse. Calculation of time means that of 24 hours, 3 are spent in full interaction with him. About 2 are spent in housework that benefits us both, such as cooking. This is on days without dr. appts., where the percentage of us completely together is greater. It helps to logic one's way through this part of life, ha! I really like your phrase "you are the comfort in their sight."

My life contains things his does not, such as ability to get around without a scooter, lack of multiple dr. appts. monthly, lack of relying on smoking for pleasure, and I'm grateful for these aspects of existence. It's a heavy responsibility being a caregiver that I gave happily to my children and more grudgingly to Spouse. I enjoy daily numerous things that make me feel silly, and happy, and silly, thank God.
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Wow, that's a sad situation. Hearing all these similar stories makes me wonder about using home health care services to get a break from the constant caregiving? Most LOs don't seem to like it, but I'm starting to feel like "too bad". They'll be OK and the caregiver NEEDS a break.

Unless there's an actual emergency, you shouldn't have to miss things like your granddaughter's 2nd birthday party.
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Hmm, I wonder if the lip service has to do with them being glad it's you not them in the hot seat?

Seems like the "that's so wonderful you can do that for your LO" is followed by something like "I could never do that!".
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Were you able to get some help during that difficult time? We all need a life in order to be able to stay healthy. First, for ourselves. Second, for our LO that we're caregiving.
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You are so right that when we want to take care of someone, it is NOT what we thought it would be.
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I wonder why it is so common that only ONE child will give any care to the ailing parent?

I hope you could up your time away from not to be ONLY for one wicked long day of work.

I guess I am one of the lucky ones - my mom currently spends a few days a month at my sister's house.
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Taking care of hubby is more important than an immaculate home. Priorities!
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Glad that you were able to find a good sitter. It's important to have a break. Not just for doing errands. But maybe just for some ME time.
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I hope you have found a way to deal with that resentment. It really stinks when other family members won't help. But, please, don't let it ruin your life. Somehow put it in perspective, which can include just shutting them out of your life and moving on, and put it behind you.
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So sad when people get mean and violent. I feel bad for anyone dealing with that very ugly side of elder care. If it's not something they've always done, then it's probably some level of dementia causing their poor behavior.

I hope that when it's disease related, it can make it somehow "easier" (NOT easy) to deal with since the LO isn't really responsible.

Hoping you get more good day and have those help you make it through the tougher ones.
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One day at a time, that's right.

Nice that you could take care of her while on hospice. No one really "wants" to be in a NH, do they? I think that no matter how good a place is on paper, it is still an institution and there's only so much they can do. To provide the kind of care a person can get at home? Could you imagine how many people that would take? And we think NHs are expensive now?? It's just crazy.

I like your optimistic streak in finding the joy in the little things. Good reminder!
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Taking care of ourselves IS the big challenge about caregiving. We need to keep looking for ways to do it though!

Agree, this forum is very helpful.
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Dear John, no words will be appropriate or enough and an I’m sorry will sound empty, I know. But please keep in your heart and mind that you gave your mom the best gift a parent can receive: Your love.
And you lived your love for her and she felt it in her heart all up to the last breath she took! I hope that fills your heart with peace and eases your pain a little.
A hug sent your way!
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John- my sincere condolences for your loss. You are a good son. You mentioned in your previous post that you were felling depressed. I worry about you. Do you have any support to get through this difficult time?
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My precious Mom passed away early this morning after being on hospice care for 2 weeks. Her last real meal was breakfast on Dec. 1. She ate and drank only a tiny bit each day since then. Yesterday she refused to have anything. She wouldn't open her mouth for morphine either. After the health aide left she went back to sleep. At midnight I saw her eyes were open. I asked her if she was thirsty. She said yes. Then she wouldn't open her mouth to take any water. She looked like she went back to sleep. After a while I realized that I didn't hear her breathing or any usual noises she made. I checked her breathing and pulse, then called for the hospice nurse. I said my last goodbyes and told her to save me a place in heaven.
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Your approach and attitude is TOTALLY CORRECT!
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