I love my husband of 6 years with all my heart. Last summer, we bought a new house which accommodates his 88 year old mother living with us. We thought she was suffering from dementia and she had some health issues. She lived 2 hours away and we couldn't keep going down there for every little thing. So, we moved her with us, she had surgery last year and tests show she has fully recovered. She only wants to sit in her chair and never go out, she is miserable and critical to us and our teen. She doesn't have dementia, tests were clear. She wants to only have my husband around and refuses to try to be decent to me. My husband has asked that she go to our town's rec center and join senior programs, she refuses. Doesn't want me home when I'm off work. I'm ready to leave my husband although I love him with all my heart, What can I do? She has a clean bill of health for her age. HE pushes back on her behavior but she pouts and acts like a 4 year old. I'm at the end of my rope. She won't go to counseling, she says mental health is sh*t. HELP!
It doesn't have to be close enough for your husband to take her shopping or to visit. She can get Meals on Wheels delivered, she can get groceries delivered, she can order anything else she wants or needs on Amazon or another website. If she doesn't use a computer, she can tell your husband over the phone what she wants or needs and he can order it (on her credit card or bank account) for delivery to her. He can talk to her by phone or facetime, no need to go visit.
She can use Uber or the bus or a taxi or the town's senior transportation service when she wants to go somewhere. Even a medical transport if necessary. If she has a medical appointment, she can go there and bring your husband into the visit by phone or facetime or zoom. She can hire a handyman for chores and repairs, and criticize him if she wants; he won't care as long as she pays him.
All this "there is no place to go" is just an excuse. Look on Airbnb if necessary. Some places are inexpensive and the owners like long-time stays because it saves them the work of turning the place over between guests.
Or call her bluff, and drive her back to the place in her hometown that she says she wants. Drop her off in the rental office and tell her you will pack up her things and ship them.
I LOVE what Grandma1954 suggested about taking your granddaughter on a week-long special trip to celebrate the end of her school year. Start making the plan now! Your husband will have to have the full 100% unadulterated, unfiltered care of his mother. Maybe even make it two weeks!
I don't feel like you should be forced out of your house by your MIL, because she will feel like she "won." So taking a two week trip with your granddaughter will give you a fun break from her, and give your husband a taste of what life would be if he continues to choose his mother over you and your daughter. Because whether he intends to or not, that is the reality of what he IS doing.
I agree with Geaton - you leaving would only give her exactly what she wants and make your husband miserable. Can you see that she is trying to force you to want to leave?! She's trying to push you out of your own home and out of her son's life. Don't let her! Time to reclaim your home and stand up to her! Give her a date when you expect her to be moved out.
That is unfortunate. It could work out nicely if she had a pleasant disposition and you got along well with her.
It's time for you husband to make a decision. Have you let him know how you feel? He needs to understand that he is risking losing his relationship with you in order to accommodate his mother.
Your husband needs to learn how to speak up and to resolve this peacefully with his mother. You have already invited her in. This is her home now. It's going to take some delicate negotiating to figure out a new plan that works for everyone.
In one of your subsequent responses, you say she is behaving as if she is in charge of "our home". Remember it is her home too, since you bought a new home with the plan of having her live with you.
You say there is no senior housing near you. Or no facility for hundreds of miles.
It doesn't sound like she needs a care home. Is there another option, such as affordable housing for seniors and disabled - she would have to apply and qualify and rent is based on her available income or assets. That would be an independent apartment. You find that information through HUD.
Could you add on to your current home to provide a separate living space for her? Is there a home or apartment nearby that you could rent for her?
It would be ideal if another senior woman has a room to rent in their home.
If she has to move far away because there is no availability near you, then so be it. It will only sour her relationship with you more, and likely with her son who "put her out" and "abandoned" her. Her bad behavior has consequences.
She can either find friends and activities in the community to keep her busy, and treat you with respect, or she will find herself all alone and far away from family.
I am not one for ultimatums but this might call for one.
Lay the ground rules, boundaries if you will.
1. You stop doing any and all caregiving that she needs done. He can do what she needs done. YUP dressing, bathing, toileting.
2. Book a vacation....JUST YOU and your teen. Go away for a week or two. visit a friend, take a cruise... Easy to do since school is ending soon.
3.. Tell your husband that you would like her in an Assisted Living community by ____________ (pick a date)
4. And this only if you will follow through....tell him you have talked to an attorney about a divorce. (and talk to the attorney BEFORE you have this conversation with your husband.
I bet if you do step 2 this item #4 will not be necessary.
and call APS to come and help her.
With their authority, APS might be able to protect the teen from any further abuse and get her out of there at least, since the adults have failed to provide a safe home.
APS Adult Protection Services
CPS Child Protection Services.
WE feel SO horrible for our granddaughter. She was the initial catalyst for us looking to remove the mil. Thank you for your answer.
Click the Find Care tab at the top of this page and A Place For Mom WILL find a place for your MIL to live that is not in your home. Then you will know for certain whether your husband's first obligation is to you and your granddaughter or to his mother. Your granddaughter is already coming from a background of trauma.....now she's being exposed to it AGAIN???? Poor child, I'm sorry for her, most of all.
Good luck to you.
No, he doesn't. He has an obligation to you and your daughter first and foremost. He needs to stop stalling and get her out. She has already shown you who she is over and over so what's stopping him? Sure, it will be ugly for a while but will be the best thing he ever has done for himself and family.
If he ever really does move her out, then he also needs to resist orbiting around her wherever she lands as this means he didn't really solve the problem, he just relocated it.
"She doesn't have dementia, tests were clear."
Everything you describe to this forum of caregivers to parents with dementia looks like dementia. When did she take these "tests"? Was your husband present when she was tested? Or is she telling you the "results" or are you making an assumption?
Good luck getting her out since now your home is her legal residence. If your husband isn't her PoA and she doesn't have a diagnosis of impairment, he may have to go through a legal eviction process. She is passive-aggressive so will not lift a finger no matter what threats he employs or deadlines are given.
Maybe you can research senior apartments that could accomodate her and help hire a companion for periodic checks . They assist if no hands on is involved. Even an aid can be hired if she needs one at some point, once/day. Look into meals that are delivered, etc.
Have you actually sat down with your husband to tell him how you're truly feeling? If not...do that today.
Sometimes men need a swift kick in the a$$ and a come to Jesus meeting before things can change for the better.
I do hope your husband will decide to put you before his mother going forward, and that he will be able to find the best facility for his mother that she can afford. Just make sure that it's his mothers money being used and not yours for her care.
But since you have, focus on how to move her out. You shouldn't have to leave your dear husband because his mother is making your life hell. Your husband "pushes back on her behavior," but what does that mean? Does he back you at all? Is he constantly deferring to her despite your being miserable enough to leave him? Does he know you want to leave him?
It's time to have a serious talk with husband, if you haven't already. If he isn't putting you first, he's not a good husband. He may think his loyalty is to his mom, and if so, you need to tell him that wife comes first. Suggest marriage counseling. If he refuses, you have a marriage problem, not a mother-in-law problem.
Also, your teenager shouldn't have to live in a situation like this. What kind of life is that for a child? The teen years are so important; we learn how to act and treat others during that time, and your teen isn't learning the right things about family. Teen sees you miserable, everyone kowtowing to a senior brat, home life is tense, OMG. Include teen in your marriage counseling so it will be family counseling. All of you need to work on making home life better! Hopefully getting mom out will be a part of the therapy.
Good luck. Please keep in touch.