Is this the start of a journey?
I am starting this discussion in large part to document my thoughts and feelings. Feel free to chime in, ignore or add.
Back on November 2020 (I was a VERY cranky COVID isolator), I noticed that DH seemed to be having a jolly old time reading something on his tablet. I am one of thise folks who can take in the gist of a written page at a glance; he was having a convo with someone who was clearly a scammer ("I am from [fill in name of African country] and need to meet someone..."). Told him he was being scammed which he hotly denied. Next day he told me about an email purportedly from Microsoft (clearly a phish).
This is someone who has spent his life and career in tech.
I emailed his doc who said "the man has more risk factors for dementia than any 3 people I know, please have him evaluated".
We had an intake appointment on Friday with a really smart and well-qualified young doc from NYU who recommended MRI, neuropsych testing and an additional blood test (Vitamin B12). When we got home, I sat down with DH and went over who was going to arrange for what. He had the MRI the next day and has the order for the blood work. He can do a walk in at local lab. He sent prior reports to his PCP and cardio.
I sent an email to one of the neuropsych clinicians today and told him that he would be hearing from her. He said "what are you looking for with this testing?" (I'm a reitired school psychologist, so maybe not a totally off the wall question?).
I reminded him about the doc appointment we'd had on Friday. He claimed that he's forgotten the details.
Oy. Ok. Here we go, folks. I just turned 68, and he will do so in a couple of weeks.
If anyone has any wisdom, please share. Love to you all. B
Then I would say, just take one day at a time, and don't waste your time worrying about what the future may hold, as worrying only effects you, and is never productive.
Life is so very short, and it is meant to be enjoyed and truly lived, not just going through the motions. So embrace each day you have left with your husband,(as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow)and try and make the best of them.
And what's the worst that can happen, he gets diagnosed with one of the dementias? He will still be the man you married and love, and so you then figure out a way to make this new journey work, and let him know that you are in it with him, right by his side.
No one ever said that life would be easy, but when it's someone that you love, you do whatever it takes to help lighten their load.
Praying for God's blessings over you and your husband.
I am always surprised by the new things my dH comes up with, the forgetting, the denial that happened, and yes, the out and out lying.
Protect yourself, protect your tech guy, and protect your marriage.
The same sort of thing happens at my office, often. Someone will come in or call and expect me to remember details of conversations that I had even a year ago. I have gotten better, this job is great for my memory banks.
I cannot even remember some conversations from the week before. It is not uncommon for me to talk to 50-60 people about different projects in a week.
I wish I had just the right words to say to make things better, or give you comfort, but I find my words woefully inadequate in the face of your situation.
Please know that my most fervent, heartfelt prayers are being lifted on behalf of you, your husband and your family. Prayers for good news, courage, comfort and peace.
(((hugs)))
["I sent an email to one of the neuropsych clinicians today and told him that he would be hearing from her. He said "what are you looking for with this testing?" ."]
For some reason, nothing I posted last night showed up til this AM.
Logically I know you know this, because you are a smart woman, but I also understand why you would be scared. Try to take it step by step we are all here for you no matter what the outcome. {{{{Barb}}}}
Please let us know the results, and how you both are doing. I will be keeping you and your DH in my prayers.
Praying for you now.
Let us know how the testing goes.
I always appreciate your wisdom in responding to others.
Mass Formation
Dr. Mattias Desmet
Exhausted Piper said:
"Lots of things can cause brain fog and memory issues, so this may not be dementia at all. It could be something else that needs to be treated."
My point is, it can be pretty easy to get caught up in a 'conversation' with an interesting person online, especially a person pretending to be gorgeous or interesting or famous, etc. They've weaved stories SO fantastically interesting or sad or compelling, that the smartest among us can be lured in! We don't have to be diagnosed with dementia to fall for a good story, hook line & sinker! In fact, my late brother in law did just that........fell prey to a Nigerian scammer woman who took him for a few thousand $$$ and he had no signs of dementia whatsoever!
Don't immediately think 'dementia' for DH b/c of a good online scammer or b/c he has more risk factors than the average Joe or b/c he's forgetting more things lately. Sure, he COULD have early onset dementia, but not necessarily. At 64, I am struggling to find words at times, and forgetting what I'm saying, and forgetting things in general which gets me VERY nervous. But I'd hardly diagnose myself with dementia, either.
Stay calm. Lots of crappy stuff comes along with getting up there in age that we dislike and worry about. Being here on this site doesn't help much either b/c we read the Worst Case Scenarios and it's easy to start diagnosing ourselves AND others with everything from LBD to a brain tumor! Try to remember my favorite relaxation tip of all; ask yourself this question when you're anxiety ridden: "What is wrong at this very moment?" The answer is always NOTHING. Unless you're on fire or have chopped your finger off with a knife, you're fine at any given moment!
Is it possible thought that your husband was toying with the scammer and playing games with him/her? I'm wondering this: if he really was being scammed, would he be laughing? Based on what I know of the alleged dire situations the scammers create, I'm inclined to think that your husband might be serious, ostensibly listening to and being persuaded by the scammer.
The only time I laugh with scammers is when I'm toying with them and they're getting confused (such as when they tell me my computer is "infected" and I ask what a computer is).
The MS, Amazon, Apple and other big name scammers have been phishing for years, but they've also not been as aggressive (calling me) as others have, such as the medical scammers selling back braces or whatever. Perhaps your husband thought it unusual that an MS scammer called him, either b/c it's been awhile or because he just thought it was amusing.
I think the issue might be what his interpretation was, and if HE felt the calls were serious.
When I read posts like this, or when I question my own sanity but more especially confusion or lack of memory, I remember what a friend told me when she was in law school back in the 1980s: sometimes she feels as if she meets herself coming and going. My interpretation of my own periodic confusion was that I feel like I'm in a Superconducting Super Collider and all my brain particles are colliding and smashing into each other.
I also think that the obsessive reports about Covid are causing more harm than good (not that the news channels are interested in the welfare of the viewers), and that they're raising the anxiety level of watchers. The news updates were becoming so annoying, repetitive and monotonous that I've almost quit watching them. They didn't confuse me, but they annoyed and sometimes angered me, which changed my mood.
Since the tests are already scheduled, and they will provide insight, I would go ahead with them, but with the hope that they provide denial of a dementia diagnosis, and rather, set your mind at ease.
And maybe it's time to just relax and listen to more opera! Opera cures a lot of anxiety, at least it does for me.
My husband and I (65 and 71) are dealing with alot of health issues. Hopefully they will not progress to a worst degree but I do worry as does he.
There will be surgery and treatments involved.
I hope you get the help you need. Is there anyway to block this particular likely computer scammer? Hopefully he could understand how awful those who do this are. Just last week I received a call trying to get me to give information or "Mam you are going to lose all your internet access and anyone can access your information but I can help you(insert foreign accent). I have gotten to the point where sometimes I play along only with remarks and then tell them I am out of town which was actually true and did not have my laptop with me. Imagine great dismay on their part but they will call me back when I am home. Then I block them.
Hoping you find the correct care.
I would not get too concerned yet if I was in your situation but definitely keep your eyes and ears open. As for what the doc said. I think that was a very unprofessional thing to say to you. Aren't doctors supposed to reassure? If a doctor ever said that to me I'd probably say "oh, thx so much, you've made me feel so much better, NOT!"
I don't take any sh*t from them especially since being my mom's care advocate before she passed.
When her pediatrician (thank G-d I had interviewed him a month prior) came in the next AM, I asked if that arm thing was worrisome in any way.
He said no and paused and then said "and you know, Mrs. S., we do wonderful things with prosthetic devices these days".
I laughed so hard I choked. He was my kind of doctor. I know. I get reassured by that sort of stuff.
DH is playing telephone tag with the neropsych. No news is good news!
I am increasingly stepping back and trying not to disable him. I need him to do more "figuring out" and exercising his brain more.
I think most of us need some extra help given this pandemic tbh, more self care etc, life in general seems extra stressful to me. I hope you guys get some good R&R this weekend!
Fortunately, we have my 2 grandkids around and my two hyper local kids.
Thanks!
He says this is Mild NeuroCognitive Disorder, verbal and spatial skills decline that goes beond "normal aging".
Will have repeat testing in 12-18 months to see if there has been decline.
We will followup with Neurologist who ordered the testing soon.
I am going to make an appointment for myself with an eldercare attorney; at the suggestion of this practise, we got all our POAs, HCPs and wills sorted before there was any dx.