I posted recently about my brother setting up an appoinment behind my back for me to assume payments for a service provider for my father, a service he assumed years ago. Well, I didn't even have to say that I wouldn't pay. He knew by my non-verbal communication. Then he started in on how now he and his wife are taking complete control of my father's life! My father is frail and forgetful but not incompacitated by any means! He is like when he was 50 except I will admit he does forget some things that a younger person wouldn't.
So I didn't say I wasn't in agreement; I didn't argue at all. I just inputed some ideas I thought were helpful and brought up an event he should be aware of. He told me to "Shut up. We are doing this and I don't want to hear a peep from you." I hung up.
I called my father and he knew nothing that all kinds of plans were being made for him and he was shocked and not happy. Just as I thought.
Thank you for everyone for "listening". I have known my brother for decades; lots of great times, but now it's over. I feel sick about it but there's also a strength I find that I am able to stick up for myself. I will be controled by him or certainly will not live his life. I'm also going to fight if they do things that deprive my father of his independence.
You have no idea why brother is all of a sudden acting this way and he doesn't seem to be forthcoming. I do think he should have talked things over with you since he was now expecting you to take over the cost of Dads care. Maybe dear wife is putting pressure on him. Whatever, your brother has handled this all wrong and for now you are not going to get thru to him. So time to back off. Let things settle down. Don't stir the pot. If brother calls screaming and hollaring tell him, calmly, you are willing to talk when you can talk to each other as mature adults then hang up. You have told Dad what is going on, leave it at that.
Dad is going to need to make changes in his life. Brother is no longer willing to pay for his care. You can not afford to pay for his care. Dad cannot care for himself. People on this forum are in that same boat. If we were rich we wouldn't be on the forum. We could afford to put Mom/Dad in a nice place. So, you let brother do what Dad assigned him to do. Dad is going to need to go to an AL or even a NH depending on the money Dad has available. Is Dad really in the position to fight?
Do you have a better solution? Can you move in with Dad and do his caring? Thats OK if you can't so then you let brother make all the decisions. Actually if Dad is competent than its between him and brother, his POA. Brother has to tell Dad he is no longer willing to foot the bill for Dads care. Because of that, other arrangements have to be made. Seems to be Dad will have no choice but to go into a facility. Maybe thats brothers problem. He has no idea how to approach Dad and his option was you. He is mad over a situation he doesn't know how to handle. And again, maybe pressure from wifey. Maybe he doesn't want to place Dad.
There are two sides to this story, maybe 3.
However, why can't I ask any question to my brother or even tell him about something important that happened to dad? He was treating me like a bad child. Worst than that actually. Not letting me say anything? I will not put up with that. I'm sure he will not apolize. I can't believe his wife would actually support his behavior. Maybe they are getting a divorce? That crossed my mind.
The best thing for me to do is to let him do what he wants with dad. If I see something that I disagree with I may get an attorney. Otherwise I can then visit my dad like I do now and that's great. Plus my brother will be in Costa Rica or wherever they hell he wants to go and I will not have to have any surprise contact with him.
I may sound upbeat and in control, and typically I am, but I'm not right now. I'm hurting bad over this, like someone body slammed me. I woke up the last two days feeling feverish and headachy as a direct result. As I indicated earlier I have a good friend I can call on but they are currently going through something far worse and I it would not be appropriate for me to share my problems with them.
So thank you everyone for listening and offering advice, regardless what it is.
I think thats all you can do. Are you willing to take over POA? Maybe brother does not want the responsibility. Have Dad ask him since he wants to travel would he like to give up POA since he may not be there if Dad needs him if he is out of the country. Maybe brother can have financial and you medical. If he says he wants to give it up fully or partially, get Dad to a lawyer to make changes while he can.
If your brother has not been like this before, than he must be under some kind of pressure. No one can answer you why he is acting this way. Do encourage Dad to go to an AL. Better he goes now where he will accept it as home. Then if Dementia sets in, the AL is a familiar and safe place for him.
Please update us on how things work out.
That decision only depends on your father, not your brother.
If your father starts being unhappy with your brother’s decisions, you can tell your father he can make a new POA for you.
Lisa, even the finest al won’t pay for personal hygiene or clothing or extra phone or iPad chargers. Every time my in laws go to the hospital, even, the requests for this stuff increases by a thousand percent even though they could easily pack a go bag. The requests from dad will certainly increase.
The Atria I told you about changed hands in 2022. The trips and happy hours are now gone. They went a week eating San Quentin style prison food and a month without residential internet. These things can happen and if he’s relocating to Costa Rica, it is in his interest to have dad moved to a better facility.
i repeat what poodle said:
i hope you’re not pulling anyone’s leg.
Turnabout is fair play after all. Him paying dads aides for five years was a larger feat than store accounts, which he also paid. As now he doesn’t want to pay, that leaves you.
But not just you. It also leaves dad, who realistically should have been paying from the get go. Dad owns stocks and bonds, they go into care. So does this detached home of his if it is actually his. If he is set to fund his luxury retirement for x years, it is on him to do so.
And edit. It would sure help us if you’d be a little less double o seven in your posts. First what you called service providers and now this. Is this bro sending you the contacts for his carol wright account or what.
This is far smaller a deal than the coming years of falls and probably dementia symptoms.
My history with him is that I have always been a good daughter and there for him at an instant! My brother decided his life would be more complex, with extensive travelling and other things that removed him from regular contact, with the exception of the last number of years.
But now my father seems to favor him because, and this is my theory, that he and his family have major resources. It appears that me hanging the phone up on my brother is looked upon as a major disrespect but the fact that my brother made plans for me and my father without our knowledge is not at all. The fact that I couldn't even tell my brother about an important unrelated incident is not even considered.
I don't know what's keeping me calm right now but I'm almost ready to not tell anyone, change my phone number and move to San Diego!
Your brother is POA. Your father MOVED to be near your brother and APPOINTED your brother as POA and doesn't wish to CHANGE any of that. You have seen an attorney and apparent good advice from him or her as he or she is off the scene already.
Your father has begged you to leave all this alone so that there can be peace.
If you feel you can only bow out of all this by moving to San Diego, I applaud that move. A lovely lovely city where my brother lived for many years. I believe you could be very happy there.
If not, if you choose to stay, please seek counseling help for yourself, so you can honor the wishes of your Father and your Brother and get on with your life.
Best wishes.
As of yesterday, bro signs u up as the contact at a couple of dads regular stores. It’s weird, I agree. but there’s no way to talk to him without a fight.
Cant both of you put dad first, in a way couples do a divorced child? My sister and her ex despise each other, but the child never hears about it.
Is there any way to facilitate that happening in your case?
My brother is on a mission and the way he wants it will be they way it will be, in his mind. There are no mature discussions possible, nothing will make him feel any different.
If I leave my father will be hurt, for sure, but if I stay I will have to deal with regular stress and bracing myself for my brother's controlling, jerky communications. My life, like everyone else's, is finite, and I am going to exercise my right to pursue happiness. I willl not let anyone attemp to obstruct my right.
I think you just enjoy trouble and argument.
I especially feel very sorry for your Dad, who is caught between two warring siblings.
My advice would be to GROW UP and bring your poor father peace and happiness.
If you cannot bring yourself to do that you certainly aren't worth MY time in looking in on your silly squabblings again. Sounds like a kindergarten.
Wish you the best but will be now avoiding any of your further machinations here as though they were plague.
It's all gone from interesting to tedious.
Every tiniest thing between you is about control. And frankly it’s in bros advantage to acquaint you with dads shopping places if you’re gonna do shopping, but let me guess, the spam incident already got back to dad because someone told.
Dads made it clear that he’d rather be taken care of by brother, all he wants for you is not to fight. But you two can’t and it always gets back to dad.
So what I’d do is Airbnb it to San Diego for a month. See what the employment prospects are. Good luck
My father was stunned about moving to assisted living. He hasn't said any more to me about it but he must be talking about that now to my brother. That's fine to me! My father is paying for it, too. Great! But why not even let me know exactly when this move happen and where it is? Some people are just controlling jerks. Unfortnately that is a true statement.
PeggySue gave you about the best advice you're going to get around here.
Airbnb it for a month and see what the employment prospects are.
Get a job and get on with your life. Your brother is in charge of your father and his care.
Look on the bright side. You dodged a bullet. You don't have to take any caregiving responsibility for your father. So don't.
If your father doesn't get good caregiving from your father and is unhappy with it at some point, then oh, well. It's not your problem.
your dad wants peace. So if that means you and bro can’t make peace, derivatively, he prefers you to leave.
Go investigate San Diego.
I tried to tell him something else important, unrelated to the assisted facility but he didn't want to hear it. That's fine! Just don't tell me anything anymore! Dad, don't tell me I must make up with my brother. Then we could be at peace. But that's not going to happen. Controlling people like that, who use deceptive tactics and invade the personal boundries of another are not going to change anytime soon, if ever.
In most families, having an extra sibling around willing to help would be seen by the the poa sibling as a good thing. After all, you’ll be able to personally deliver takeout, wipes, tp, chargers, whatever when he’s too busy. I’ve been engaging with you to see if even that can be possible, for you two to put aside your differences enough over even shopping.
It isn’t. You can’t get validation from bro or frankly dad either. They don’t want to hear anything you say, fair or not, and neither do you fair or not. As long as you’re present, you’ll be blamed. If your dad wants to modify his poa, he certainly can call you.
Airbnb it to San Diego. See what happens with dad. You might have more leverage from afar.
Eighty two posts and counting here have counseled you on how to deal with the real world. Which is that you aren’t a comanager and at this point you’re being actively excluded from even knowing where he will be moved to.
The active factor here is your hurt dignity that in fact dad sides with brother. Like dozens of Ppl have noted, it’s not something you’re gonna change.
I am engaging with you in the hopes you may realize this. It’s not gonna change, because dad and bro want it the way it is versus your getting involved.
I don't feel my dignity is being hurt at all; I was under the impression that me and my family were all mature adults and that we would seek out professional advice before we made certain important life decisions. I also thought we were open with each enough to not be going behind other's backs.
My relationship with my sibling is over too but I never spoke to my mom about it………my sibling did and that was very upsetting to her.
Try to mend your relationship with your Dad without speaking about your brother.
Let your dad and your brother work out your dad's care. Call your father once in a while and just talk about general subjects. Neither of them wants you to be involved in your dad's care, so why not just let that go?