It’s almost holiday time again? Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Do you hate it or love it?

Hello, NHWM. I hope you are doing well. If it’s ok, I’d like to answer both your questions in one post.

I find the most help comes from people I can tell truly “get it”. Since my mother’s passing, I don’t deal with people with dementia but I am the 24/7 caregiver for my mostly bedridden husband. I appreciate answers to any questions about finding help that I post when I can tell the posters really care. What is upsetting and hurtful are posters who write sarcastic answers to anyone’s questions thinking they’re being funny. They aren’t and personally, I find myself wondering WTH is wrong with them. Or, posters who become irate and post nasty and sometimes profane remarks. There is no reason for that. We don’t do that here.

As for the Holidays, I will not be extending myself. The house is a mess. I work and care for my husband and I just don’t have the time or ambition to clean, clean clean and cook. I don’t expect anyone to host us, either. Last year for Christmas, I shopped, cleaned, cooked and decorated and at the last minute my son backed out. He’s spent the year trying to make it up to me, which wasn’t necessary, but I won’t put myself out this year.

Have a great day, NHWM. Hugs!

I agree, Joy. I don’t feel people should feel pressured at holiday time, even those who aren’t caregivers. I was the one who always cleaned and cooked and although in my younger days when I thoroughly enjoyed entertaining I stopped doing the ‘big holiday’ meals several years back.

I found that I was only doing it for my mom and I was miserable the entire time.

Kind of wondering how I will feel this holiday season because it will be the first since mom moved out.

Any thoughts for me? I don’t want to have a guilt attack about not having the ‘fairytale’ ending with mom. I don’t want to ruin the holidays with my husband and daughters. I don’t want to be sulking about mom spending the holidays with my brother since she is living there now.

As everyone knows I do not have a good relationship with my brothers or my mom anymore. God knows that I tried to have harmony with them all my life. Just didn’t work out for a variety of reasons.

Holidays can be stressful for many of us.

Just stress especially now. It is the off year for my children to visit including grandkids. My husband and I are worn out dealing with selling a house and a host of medical ailments. My mother is more immobile. Thanksgiving will mean trying to get her into one of the few restaurants open. I wish my husband and I could travel somewhere simple but I can't leave my mother. Her incontinence issues make it impossible to go anywhere too far. She is just declining at this slow yet definite rate. We are worn out and are facing surgeries. It is better that it is the off year with my children as we may possibly recover but my mother will only decline. Not looking forward to any of it.

I’m sorry, Riverdale. That is hard. Getting away would be lovely. I wish you could do that. Is a short trip possible? Just a weekend? Hugs!

Yes, let a restaurant do the cooking. At least the crowd at a restaurant won’t be as bad as restaurants for Mother’s Day! Restaurants are extremely busy for Mother’s Day. I suppose Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day are the busiest days at a restaurant.

Make sure you have your reservations done early so you won’t have additional stress.

I’m a widow with no children. I didn’t do much last year and probably won’t again this year. I will most likely go to my sister’s for Christmas Eve and go to the AL to visit my MIL on Christmas Day. I’m going to visit a friend at Marco Island FL between Christmas and New Year’s.

I want to pull a blanket over my head and not come up until January 2. We host my husbands family on Thanksgiving and I feel a huge amount of pressure to make sure the kids have a day of love and happiness that they will remember forever. Family, home and hearth and all that. I always feel like I fail. I am going to try to just go with the flow this year and not strive to hit a target I cannot achieve and perhaps just try to enjoy everyone's company instead. After all these years I still don't have this right. Sigh.

I was just thinking about this yesterday, now that summer is over and it’s getting dark earlier, starting to feel like fall. And the stores are starting to put out Christmas displays. And the hallmark channel is promoting holiday movies....

Now that my MIL is gone, the holidays are not as joyous. I have always loved everything about Christmas especially all the lights and decorations, being with family and friends. I got the greatest Christmas present when my daughter decided to be born on Christmas Eve. From that year on, Christmas has been extra special. Until we lost my MIL. Last year was our first Christmas without and honestly it feels like a light has gone out. So much has changed. Our Christmas Eve party is much smaller and her presence is missed dearly. We will no longer spend Christmas Day at house house. The Christmas tree place is a block from her house and we always used to stop by after picking out our tree—we can’t do that anymore. But most of all, it’s just missing her. She was such a huge part of all of our lives. So I feel a pang of sadness when I see Christmas displays and those darn hallmark movie commercials! Thanksgiving and Christmas are just not the same.

last year thanksgiving was a source of anger and frustration because my BIL and his now ex-wife wanted to host it. We had initially planned to stay home and cook our own meal with my husbands best friend. But then my BIL invited everyone to his house. My issue was that my husband said he did not want to go (his reasoning was BILs house is 45 minutes away, terrible location you have to park a block away, tiny house with no room for all the kids to play, not even enough room for all the adults to sit and eat, no front yard or back yard). And then without discussing it with me, told my BIL we would go. When I protested, he said he was obligated to go because it was the first one with their mom. Which I would have accepted HOWEVER.....if thanksgiving is sooooo important to these people, why the hell did my BIL have NO PROBLEM spending thanksgiving out of state with his wife’s family every other year including the previous year when we all knew it would be MILs last thanksgiving? But my main issue was simply that he didn’t discuss it all with me first & he didn’t think he needed to. When I said it would have been nice to discuss it first, he flat out said “what was to discuss”!!!!!! And then in the end, he regretted going because we were cramped in a tiny space with kids running around everywhere getting in everyone’s way and he was miserable and grouchy the whole time and of course took it out on the kids & I.

I will host Christmas Eve again this year, I do look forward to it every year and the last few years have remained drama free. The only drama we’ve ever had is that one year, when we were deep in the throws of my MILs blatant favoritism of my nephews, she brought gifts for him to open while my daughter opened her birthday presents! That really pissed me off and I did basically say WTF it’s my kids birthday, let her have her damn moment. But other than that the only complaint I could really make is that neither my SIL or ex SIL have EVER offered to help me. Not once. And it was a bit hurtful to show up at my BILs last thanksgiving and find that my SIL has gone over early and helped ex SIL cook. And then on Christmas Day ex-SIL went over to SILs to help her cook the soup we had for lunch. All these years and they never offered to help me prepare a big Christmas Eve dinner of prime rib, smoked turkey and all the fixings but ExSIL went over and helped SIL make SOUP. But it is what it is, it’s really not that big of a deal.

We have this conversation every year and for me it just keeps getting harder. Holidays were great when I was a child, and when we were raising children and hosting it was a lot of work but satisfying too. Now that our small family is scattered I'd just as soon skip the whole thing, constantly trying to balance everyone's expectations with reality is just too stressful.

I love Thanksgiving, I am a Turkey baby and growing up it was always about Thanksgiving, now I do exactly what I want to celebrate my birthday. I always get a 4 day weekend and some years I host a big Thanksgiving dinner and other years we go fishing or weather permitting we go skiing.

Last Christmas we took my dad to a state park and roasted hot dogs and opened a can of pork and beans, it was a great day with no pressure. That is what we shoot for every year, just enjoying the fellowship and remembering to love one another, warts and all.

Next year a long boat cruise through Europe, can hardly wait. 😀

One of the BEST Thanksgivings I ever had was one where, early in my divorce, I had no where to go for the holiday. At the recommendation of our Rabbi, I spent the day volunteering at a Church that was serving meals to anyone who came to eat. What an interesting group!

Homeless guys. Young moms with little kids. And elderly lady in an elegant fur coat and her (from the looks of it) mentally unstable adult daughter.

I went home exhausted and happy.

The holidays have already started.

Jewish holidays are the best...they last over several days.
So, the holidays have already started:
Rosh Hashanah
The Jewish New Year
Holiday
Monday
September 30, 2019

cwille,

Lots of families are spread out. Makes it harder for those wanting to be close. Nice for those who don’t want to be.

Real, I love the side dishes for thanksgiving! I do like turkey and love the leftovers for a sandwich. Of course pie. Thanksgiving is a special day. Giving thanks. People do like to ‘pig out’ on this day.

Real, a low key Christmas can be fun!

Pumpkin or pecan? Apple? Or all three? Hahaha

I love the concept of family get togethers. I wish we did Boxing Day here in the states, like in the UK. It would be nice to get together and eat great food and then on New Years open gifts. Just my opinion.
There was always so much drama involved around the holidays growing up, I just prefer to keep things low key. Self preservation.
I do get into the lights and decorations and such so, not a total Grinch I think.

Send.

Yes, we have a public radio station for the blind. Just as many sighted people listen to it.(WRBH) So many interesting broadcasts are on there.

Great books are read, newspapers and the like. I am Catholic but I listened to the broadcast of Rosh Hash Hannah. I really enjoyed what the Rabbi had to say, fantastic music too.

I used to sleep over at my friend’s house in high school and her dad would laugh at me when he ordered pizza for us because I would say I wanted sausage. I would forget that I couldn’t order pork at their home.

He would say to me that if he were at my home on a Friday in a Catholic home he wouldn’t ask for meat. So I couldn’t ask for pork at his house. He would tease me about it. I loved her dad. He was really cute and funny. They went to temple on St. Charles Ave. here in New Orleans.

My daughter loved celebrating Chanukah with her friend from school. Her mom was Catholic and her dad was Jewish. She celebrated broth. They just made sure the Christmas tree wasn’t up when her dad’s family from NY would visit. Hahaha. They told their son they couldn’t handle the tree.

Cali, I know what you mean about Christmas. I love the decorations too. The holidays do evoke strong memories and emotions, both good and bad.

Barb, love your special memories.

I have two very special Thanksgiving memories. One where we managed to escape to the beach in Florida, only a four hour drive for us. One of the few times my brothers did watch mom.

Another time we went to thanksgiving mass at our church. A homeless man had picked our church to attend for awhile. We have mass daily and this sweet man walked for miles to attend and didn’t miss a day.

The pastor loved him, became a close friend to him and instructed every person in mass to start taking turns to pick him up and drop him off at the homeless shelter or park bench, wherever he was. Many of us bought him meals. The pastor would feed him, buy his clothes and shoes and whatever else he needed, take him to the doctor or hospital or any other errands that he needed.

Father John said on that particular thanksgiving service that every penny of the collection was going to our ‘parish angel.’ When he became sick and was in the hospital we were informed by our pastor who visited him daily and many people from the parish went to see him as well. He didn’t die alone.

I think we may serve food to the homeless this year for thanksgiving. Some of our restaurants do this before opening up for business.

Other places do this too, churches and other organizations. I have been wanting to do that for years but couldn’t because of mom. Well now we can!

Real, boat cruise? Wow! That is fantastic. Now that’s a celebration. Have a great time! Enjoy!

Usedup, I love Florida. My dad grew up in Florida, mom in New Orleans. I used to ask daddy as a child when we went to Florida in the summer why he didn’t bring mom back to Florida so we could have grown up on the beach.

New Orleans has lots of water but can’t swim in any of it. The Mississippi River is pretty funky by the time it gets to New Orleans, can’t swim in lake pontchartrain or our bayou St. John either. I always loved swimming in the Gulf of Mexico in Florida. I haven’t gone past Orlando on Disney trips when kids were young. Approximately an hour flight. We opted not to drive for 10 hours!

For weekend getaways, anywhere on the gulf coast is nice, Pensacola Beach, Navarre, Ft. Walton, Destin, etc but not on spring break!

Hey, Rbuser

I still watch Suess every year. One of my favorites. Grinch Who Stole Christmas but I did not like the movie with Jim Carey that was out years ago. My favorite character is Cindy Lou Who. She’s so cute!

Also still watch Charlie Brown Christmas. I’d watch that just for the jazz sound track. Vince Guaraldi really should have recorded more music in my opinion. I smile every time I hear his music.

Ginger,

I think a lot of people are glad when it’s over. Has become too commercial and can become a lot of pressure. Drama too! Lots of work for those who cook.

Needhelp, I watch the Grinch every year too! Absolutely love the original cartoon, it’s a classic. Hate the Jim carrie movie version. Took the kids to see the new animated version last November and we didn’t love it. It wasn’t bad but they changed the story line.

I will be very sad when my kids decide they are too old to participate in this tradition BUT.....we always decorate the house (except the tree) either thanksgiving weekend or the first weekend in December while watching The Grinch and a couple old Alvin & the chipmunks Christmas cartoons from the 80s and when we are done, we eat pizza & watch Home Alone. It’s the official start of the Christmas season for us. I have a feeling my daughter will skip the movie this year. Hopefully my son will humor me for a few more years and help me keep the tradition up :)

I love Halloween. Always have from the time I had my first costume.
I love Dia de los Muertos even more, and in San Francisco the Mission Cultural Center always has wonderful altars made each year by that community.
I tolerate Thanksgiving but cannot eat all that food, and seems to me way too much worry, angst and expenditure.
That latter--Christmas-- I feel quite guilty about. I am an atheist, so the religious aspect of Christmas doesn't much figure for me. But my mother LOVED this holiday more than any other, and celebrated it with such beauty and grace; I always feel my attitude does her no honor. I have never liked it. It has always seemed to me that the expectations put on people are so difficult. I cannot convince people to forgo gifts other than trinkets. We cut down trees. And I have come to dislike the holiday while all my family loves it (despite half of them always being out ill with something, hee hee). As a nurse I used to sign up to work Christmas, and at work I quite loved it.
I find I spend the year disliking the thought of Christmas much more than I should, which is silly, for the beauty of the decorations, the joy of the music (Messiah being for me an all time favorite), the lights and so on are honestly quite wonderful. I fear I just have a humbug bug I cannot seem to shake. There must be a shot for it of some kind. Hopefully a pretty good proof.

I love the Grinch cartoon as well. But are there no Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol folk here. I love that gang of nefarious creatures who sing the "We're Dispicable" song. You MUST look it up on youtube. It is a delight!

cwille,

It is fun as a child. Did you have a favorite toy? Gift from Santa? I asked for the same thing every year. A new ‘baby doll.’ Remember Barbie back then was for older girls. I didn’t get Barbie until later. Didn’t want Ken. Thought he was kind of nerdy. Haha. I loved my brother’s G I Joe, he was cool!

I loved the dolls where you pulled the string and she would giggle, cry. talk. I loved the milk bottle that the milk disappeared like magic. I had one doll that was as tall as I was! Dolls were my favorite. I did like my cash register and played ‘store’ all the time. I loved my tea set and kitchen, etch a sketch, Spirograph, slinky, silly putty, ball and Jax and I jumped rope for hours! Of course I loved my bicycle too.

Geeeez, I am dating myself. We really had no electronic toys, computers. video games like today. Now kids play on iPhones all day!

Oh Alva, I loved Mr Magoo! Thanks for the memory. I will look it up on YouTube.

Alva,

I loved Halloween so much that I would ask daddy to drive me to another neighborhood after trick or treating in ours to trick or treat all over again. He did! Then I would trade candy at school the next day! Halloween is big in New Orleans.

I had the very best costumes for Halloween and Mardi Gras because my mom sewed beautifully. I loved dressing up. Let’s see, I was a vampire, a witch. a gypsy, a hula girl, a clown, a cowgirl, a zombie, anything I imagined mom made for me.

Cali, I love the original grinch. Couldn’t bring myself to go see the recent one that came out.

Cali.

I always liked Christmas Eve better than Christmas Day. Maybe the anticipation of Christmas, not sure. Midnight mass is beautiful.

Alva, years ago I did the mission in Carmel. Never did the one in San Francisco. Did many other things in San Francisco but not that. Sounds nice.

Me too needhelp. Christmas Eve was always a big deal for us, we always celebrated. When we were little, my parents had a big party with family and friends. Then Christmas morning we opened presents and has breakfast and visited my dads foster parents. But it was a low key day and the excited ended as soon as the gifts were opened! The Christmas Eve party stopped when my grandma died but everything else stayed the same and we still had family over on Christmas Eve for dinner and there was lot of anticipation and excitement! I was surprised and a little disappointed when I got with my husband and found out his family didn’t do anything on Christmas Eve! Absolutely nothing. Not even church! Christmas morning was their big thing (which is totally cool too!) but I just wasn’t used to Christmas Eve being a normal day. It was kind of destiny that my daughter was born on Christmas Eve and that is why we have had a big family party every Christmas Eve since then.

Something I always enjoyed but will likely not happen is this year is having some of my husbands coworkers stop by for Christmas Eve dinner on their dinner break. He’s not on patrol anymore, he’s behind a desk and works weekdays now so I don’t think he’ll invite anyone over since his work friends work weekdays too. I always enjoyed being able to feed a few of the guys a nice warm meal of prime rib & turkey & have them celebrate the holiday with us since they couldn’t be with their own families.