Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Oh yes. Dad will never be happy unless I lead my life exactly how he wants and put him first. Always cracks me up when he gives me "advice" on my relationship (its always complete cr@p) - hes been divorced twice!
I dread to think how it was being married to him to be honest....
Paul, somehow, I don't think that will be true. Your dad will find something else to criticize. He lives to criticize. That's his way to feel secured, superior, and know-it-all. You can never make him happy. In addition, his happiness is his responsibility, not yours.
Your reply: You know me, I dont want to hear it" walks away.....
Dad: hmm best not criticise I wont have an audience.
Good for you for hanging up on brother. Sounds like a jealousy issue. - dont go on vacation. Are you kidding me?
You have got to stop letting them into your life. They havent learned, not to be nosey or telling you how to live. How about using- Im indisposed.
Brother "what are you doing"? You- " Im indisposed, dont worry about it". Just not available. Next topic. Continue that line until the topic changes or you threaten to hang up.
I'm doing my best to cut down on contact with Dad. Yes I'd phone him to see how he is but I'm not doing it now if its going to turn into a Dad-fest as it always does.
It wears me out. I could quite happily not have any contact with him for a month. It'd be like a holiday!
He seems to have upped his game recently and seem to me to have the attitude of "well lad - you might not like it but its hard luck you have to do it".
Phoned me AGAIN last night. "So you are coming sunday to do my shopping". I did say "dad we've discussed this". Then hes off again "I urgently need". So I repeated "yes so you say, but half the time you make it up, theres home delivery if I can't make it - got to go phone you sunday".
I've blocked his no now. Had enough. Otherwise he'll phone me today and saturday just to re-inforce his point.
Hes the master of sweeping things under the carpet. I've mentioned time and time again about buying more and filling the freezer. I've mentioned home delivery (if you remember the other week I really couldn't go and he was off - then suddenly as if by magic, he didn't need anything after all).
Hes also thrown in this week (as he does sometimes) that he "needs me to look at a letter hes had". Usually this will be sometimes like "changes to terms and conditions of bank account" or something. He'll say "what is it?". (It'll be in big letters - changes to terms and conditions). So I'll say "changes to terms and conditions". Read it if you want or bin it like everyone else does.
Of course, all of this is part of the scam. As I've said before I would visit anyway it just winds me up being pressurised into it like this.
As I said, on call all weeekend. If I'm up Saturday night with no sleep (it happens) then he aint getting a visit sunday for sure.
I haven't looked at this Site since my Irish Carpenter Dad passed away 2 years ago. Many of you gave helpful LOVING words. My Dad died at 92 with Dementia. He was different for a few years. PLEASE everyone.. Do Not be Mad or Angry at our parents when they get impatient, older, cranky, with not good health etc. Especially when YOU are the one he gets angry with the most. Be nice..be patient. Remember he took care of YOU. Do not discount the time he has left with you. Read to him..listen to him..invite old friends. Ask Him to help you plant a flower. Pretend he can do it. Ask him questions. Encourage. Stip Breath !! You will admire you and him to no end. No regrets.
I wish I could be there with him..but I'm in California. Treasure your dad.
You have blocked his number, you're getting better at being tight-lipped and not biting into his bait - WHY would you want to be thinking and/or anticipating what he might do? Focus on the IMPORTANT things in your life and BLOCK these thoughts just like you are blocking the phone calls.
It is a waste of time and energy, puts you in a foul mood and accomplishes nothing. Change that brain channel...
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/does-anyone-have-experience-going-gray-rock-when-you-cant-go-no-contact-450631.htm?orderby=oldest
Just don't be carrying an actual rock when you do go to see him!!! ;-)
This is pretty much what some of us have been suggesting - had no idea there was a name for it. Combined with blocking calls/other contact, and using sheer will power, let them rant all they want, you stay calm, cool, collected as you exit stage left....
And of course, dementia changes things. My Dad, even thought I suspect, has so far not got dementia (if the docs are to be believed).
I do my best for my Dad. BUT, I've got other people who depend on me. Yes in an ideal world I could exactly what dad wanted but then I'd have no wife and my kids wouldnt want to know me...... Is that fair I should give these things up?
Yes meals and wheels do the same here. No we don't do Indepedence Day lol.
Yes remember the incident a few weeks ago (Where he got brother to facebook me and wife when I was away and brother was abusive?). At the time I told him it was well out of order, he apologised (third time same thing though).
He'll never mention that again now - its under the carpet now. He will look at me amazed if I tell him that no actually wife is not happy with what went on that day. And he'll so the same again and be amazed when I call him up and tell him hes done it again.
Hes got a strange attitude to mental problems too. He had problems a few years ago with swallowing (it was after he was playing up full tilt). Apparently its a stress related thing and the doc told him this. Hes had it again recently but won't acknowledge its the same. Its stress/mental related so something to be ashamed off - the last episode got swept away end off not to be mentioned again.
Bought him twice what he wanted. Doing the old "empty freezer" scam again which he always does. Moaned solidly for about 10 mins that I'd spent too much.....
Brother was away this weekend so didn't visit. Had the old chestnut "Not seen a soul for days". Dramatic effect....
Ignore him now. Invited him to go for lunch and the cricket next week. I'll collect him, sort out disabled parking space etc. No doesn't want to go. "So are you still visiting me on sunday?". NO - I'm going to the cricket.
Times like these I know hes not lonely just wants things his way.
He sighed with relief when you confirmed you were coming over and called for his shopping list? And you were *annoyed* by that?
What response would have been acceptable to you?
You have a fairly serious case of burnout to the extent that when you're not suffering emotional abuse your father probably is. It is a bit of a zero sum game you're playing with him. Either you suck it up and your cortisol levels hit the roof, or you treat him unreasonably and he is confused and hurt.
Do you really believe that if a person doesn't accept your suggestion, he can't really be lonely? He is an unhappy man. Stop blaming him for being unhappy.
You dutifully went to see him. You did his shopping. You checked that he has enough food and made sure of it. These are all very good.
But you begrudge every nanosecond of time and every scintilla of thought you spend on him, and he can't possibly fail to notice that. And that's not good, now, is it.
Same solution as it always is, I'm not even going to bother typing it out. But I really think you should give more thought to whether you are the right person to be your father's primary carer.
Here's a mental exercise for you: if somebody else (in real life, not here on the forum) spoke to or about your father the way you do, how would you react?
Dad is unhappy? Maybe but its because he can't control me as much as he'd like any more. Hes certainly not happy about that.
Does he notice? No - it goes in one ear and out the other. Remember when I was ill and he kept phoning me and phoning me (when I'd said day before I'd call him the next evening) then got my brother to send me nasty facebook messages to stop "ignoring him"? I asked him not to involve my brother in that way. Weeks later, remember Glastonbury, same again (Again I can't phone I'm in the middle of a field) yet this time is brother is sending abusive messages to my wife as well (at Dads request).
He KNOWS full well that I wasn't happy first time around. But he did the same again. And he will again I'm sure. The fact that I'm not happy with something means nothing to Dad - he'll just carry on regardless.
I used to argue with my wife when she said something about him. I'd stick up for him. I don't any more - because shes dead right. If anyone said what I'd say then I'd have to agree with them - because they'd be right.
I don't want to be his Primary Caregiver. I never volunteered and I never got asked. All I want to do (and all I'm able) is to be a loving son who will do what he can for his Dad.....
Yet he still lays on the pressure to the max. Hes done it before. He knows that if I get called in the middle of the night, have no sleep, he can notch up the pressure and guilt me into coming anyway. This is unfair Im sorry.
As I've always said, of course, I'll visit and do things for him. Being blackmailed/guilt tripped is not on though.
Thinking this through: when you plan to visit him - but you're on call, so it has to be "work permitting" - as things are you explain to him that it has to be subject to confirmation and then he calls you daily and whines and nags. Then ten to one you do visit, anyway, but you feel irritated and exploited before you even set off.
So CHANGE this. When you plan to visit him on an on-call weekend, tell him you plan to visit him. It is of no interest to him whether you're on call or not and there is no particular need for you to tell him about it. The chances are you will visit. But if, come Sunday morning, you can't visit because you've worked all night or have to work on Sunday, THEN you ring and cancel. No harm will come to him - in fact, quite honestly, it might do him good to have a genuine grievance for once - and he cannot literally force you to get into the car. He won't be any less able to understand your needing to cancel than he is to understand "it depends"; but the difference is that you won't have to put up with five days' whingeing beforehand.
YOU think that by warning your father that you may not be able to visit on on-call weekends you are being more fair to him than you would be if you rang and cancelled on the day. But you're wrong. When you give him this conditional answer, you just hand him uncertainty that he then spends the entire week fretting about, uselessly and needlessly. You won't cancel on him unless you have to. He is not literally dependent on your visits - nothing terrible will happen to him if you don't go.
You can't do anything about him. You can only do anything about you. Discussions with your father irritate the beep out of you, no matter what. So *avoid* them.
So...
"You have to come on Sunday, I'm out of food."
"Yes, I plan to. Let me have your shopping list."
... is a nice, short conversation with no friction.
Worst case scenario, Sunday morning [wavy lines]...
"Morning, Dad. I'm afraid I can't come today after all because I have an urgent job for a client."
"But you promised! How could you! What shall I do! I've no food in the house! etc."
"I'm very sorry, but it can't be helped. Call Brother if you can't manage but I'm sure you'll cope. I have to go now, speak soon, 'bye."
Then BLOCK HIS NUMBER until you are free to speak to him.
But before you break out in a sweat at the thought of doing this, look back and see how many visits you haven't been able to manage strictly because of being on call. One in ten? Fewer than that? The odds are in your favour.
Harry Chapin
My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, dad"
"You know I'm gonna be like you"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then
My son turned ten just the other day
He said, thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw, I said, not today
I got a lot to do, he said, that's okay
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
It said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then
Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then
I've long since retired and my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind
He said, I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then, dad
We're gonna have a good time then
OK I've edited this and will give you the benefit of the doubt. In what context do you quote these lyrics then? Please explain.
I don't think you've ever really looked at the words to that song, it isn't an admonition to visit your father at all, it is a cautionary tale that you reap what you sew - the father had no time for the son and now the son has no time for the father...
When my aunt comes along, it drives her nuts listening to my mother, and it surprises me that I don't get upset. Then, I realize the reason. I don't even pay attention to what my mother says. It's all background noise to me. My mother directs traffic because it gives her something to do. As long as I keeps it from getting into my head I'm fine.
My point is, your dad does what he does (sighing, complaining, nagging, calling, etc.) because it gives him something to do. And he isn't going to change anytime soon.
Since, dad being dad drives you up the wall, you have to limit your exposure to him which you've been trying to do with some success (blocking his calls, and not seeing him as often). And when you're in his presence (on phone or in person), somehow, you have to go 'deaf' or sing 'la la la la la' in your head so you don't have to hear things that will upset you. Maybe you can turn on the TV, the radio or go to another room while he sighs, complains and nags. Anything to keep your mind occupied and keep the toxicity out.
For me, I turn on the music or audiobook in the car, so my mind is occupied with either the music or the story and isn't available to hear my mother.
"Moaned solidly for about 10 mins that I'd spent too much....."
Let him moan all he wants, tune it out (and leave while he's still moaning about it. Your reason for being there is done. Look at watch, oops Gotta RUN, later!)
I used to refer to this "grey rock" as the 'Leave it to Beaver' type dad, reading the paper at the table while the wife prattles on... A couple of un-huhs and yes dears... The dad wasn't listening, and he just threw in some interjections to make it SEEM like he was paying attention... Same idea, sort of, as the grey rock. Grey rock doesn't require any response at all, but if you keep it neutral/bland/monotone... Oh dear. Oh my. Really? How could they? What a travesty. Nothing you really think or mean, just a bland noncommittal response. Don't address his issue with any discussion or attempt to talk him out of it - let him "prattle on." Or no response at all, just a blank look. If he happens to notice and stops to ask for your input, just blank look him, maybe a shrug, NO discussion.
"I just think most people would like to know..." MOST people, but we all know your dad doesn't really want OR need to know details and shouldn't be fed anything he can use to drum up some drama. Leave any/all explanations, superfluous comments or explanation out. It just feeds the beast. Sure, he'll come up with something, but GREY ROCK him, ignore it and stop anticipating what he will say or do.
As for his "anxiety" - we can get you admitted to the hospital, they'll sort it out.
Final thought - the Cat's in the Cradle reference really doesn't apply here. Paul would LIKE to spend time with and share some good times with his dad. However demanding someone to show up and do XYZ is NOT sharing good time or even spending quality time, it is being relegated to being a servant or a slave. Also, he refuses to go to fun "outings" while complaining about being stuck in, no one visiting, etc. I wouldn't want to spend time with him either! You can only try so much and offer so much before you realize none of this is working, dad just wants/DEMANDS what he wants and nothing else. When he complains about something and offers are made to correct it, oh no, it is too much money, etc. I already mentioned just buying those things/services and not asking for reimbursement (or approval, and I do acknowledge that like buying "too much" food this last time, he will STILL complain.) When he starts complaining, glance at watch, oops, gotta run! Annnnnnd, exit stage left.
This long saga of ‘let’s sort out Paul’ does no-one any harm and with luck it helps you. It might take a bit of pressure off your wife too. However most of the time, you are talking to yourself or explaining yourself. Without a conversation, it’s hard to move on to decisions – you just go round and round in your head. The ‘grey rock’ idea sounds like a good method for dealing with Dad, but please think again about who you can talk to, preferably someone who knows your father.
Yours, Margaret
You seem stuck to me, in a self imposed obligation to serve your father's unrealistic demands. An allegory can and should be interpreted by the individual. That would be you.
There was no attempt on my part "as a bit of a dig" to you. Instead, an offer of a way out in your thinking, that you are not in fact obligated to serve your Dad.
Even if he did, (or did not) meet your every need as you grew up. In my opinion, trying to meet all of a person's needs is not a good place to be.
I trust CWillie's interpretation of the song's meaning. She knows me well enough that I wish no one any harm.
Hope you will be okay. There is no condemnation for wanting a life of your own, where you are in control.
I suggest that you stop explaining to your Dad, offering up excuses, and instead, simply say to him: "I have made other plans", when you mean "NO".
The "maybe if I don't get called into work" leaves him hopeful, waiting on hold, wondering, expectant, and then disappointed when you can't show. It is a rejection to him, maybe, as he sees it.
If you come here for advice and truly want to see a change then why not listen and learn and grow. You have been given sound, sincere advice. Take it.
People continue behaviors. Even behaviors that are not good for them because they are getting some kind of pay off for it. I'm talking about you here Paul not your Dad.
Learn, grow, listen to the kind people on here who are trying to help you.
Sendme meant no harm quoting those song lyrics. Why would she take a dig at you? Get a grip.
Well, the hen kept asking, “Who will help me bake the bread?” All of the farm animals made excuses and did not help. So after she baked the bread by herself she asked, “Who will help me eat the bread?” They all replied that they would. She didn’t share! Yes, we sometimes reap what we sow.
The song lyrics remind me of that story of the little red hen.