Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
He has meals on wheels 4 times a week - he could have a weekends too. They deliver it on a friday. He aint goinna starve. Hes got a huge freezer I bought him so he could store food for a month literally.
I go once every two weeks now. I used to go more but I know he tries to make it AT LEAST once a week so it works negatively for him because I'm avoiding the pattern.
I did his shoppiong yesterday. Literally £20. Hardly anything needed. Thats his other excuse- home delivery is £40 minimum. "Dont want to spend that much in one go".
Thing is he does have friends. He goes out, plays Bowls (not sure if you have that in the US). When he can be bothered. I do visit, I invite him out (he says no).
When my wife (whos a district nurse) tells me about some of the old people she sees who NEVER see anyone, I realise ho lucky Dad is but he doesnt see it.
Sounds dramatic I know but hes so attached to that money, I would worry he would literally give up.
1. Hes ill and needs help.
2. His sons will help him with whatever he wants.
3. He is NEVER being put away in a home.
4. He wants to keep money and not waste it.
Obviously, as you say, it doesn't work.
If so, LONG way to go before you get to £23K.
An example of how he is with the money. I sort out his gas/elec and he pays by direct debit. As you probably know, they change the DD sometimes its never that great. It increased from £75 a month to £95 a month.
It was as if his whole family had died in a house fire. For weeks! He said he was upset and been worrying all week that they wanted an extra £20 a month off him. I said this is normal. He wanted me to phone them to check, ask for a discount because he was old. Eh?
It was crazy.
Of course, bearing in mind, £20 is nothing to him. His pensions far exceed his outgoings by £100s a week.
Then he tells me he had government winter fuel allowance of £300! Why on earth are you worried about £20 a month!
Imagine now £50K being "taken off him" and you can see why it would be problematic.
It doesn't matter, it won't make any difference to him because actually money isn't the reason -
just for example, you could remind him that he won't have to pay for food or utilities any more, all his cash will be disposable income
- it's that a) he doesn't like change (who does) and b) he's happier being miserable. But you *don't* *have* *to* *join* *in.*
I have to say, £95 a month for a one-person household sounds a lot to me. What's his account balance? Suppliers do hike DDs routinely but they still have to justify it, and if he's in credit then they can't and you can beat them back down again.
This is gas and electicity mind. Hes currently debit about £100.
His latest idea "I want to switch the gas off so I don't pay for it".
Hes going to wear a jumper when its cold, boil a kettle to wash in the sink. Honestly.....
I've told him I won't be visiting with my daugher if hes going to keep the house in sub-zero temparatures in the winter. Or if hes not going to have a proper shower.
I never argue with people like this. If they want things their way and I'm in a position of no authority, the fine, have it your away.
Do not lift a finger to help. But if he does it, make sure you ring the district nurse to tell them that he's endangering himself.
He takes up too much of the space in your head. If he's just trying to engage/annoy/spite you, shrug and say "sure, dad. Whatever you think is best".
Let him be, why don't you?
It annoys him when I say "no prizes for richest man in the graveyard Dad". I always say this to him.
But you're all dead right. Hes NEVER happy. Health wise theres not a lot badly wrong with him apart from being old. I pray hes never properly ill and it drags on for years....
Might sound selfish but hes not the type to take in on board and get on with it. A long lingering decline is not for him.
Its 400 yards from his house - he wont go on his scooter because "they wont let me in the shop will they?" Have you asked. No. I even offered to call the betting shop to clear it with them. "No I dont want to take my scooter into the betting shop". Leave it outside then. "No I dont want to leave it on the pavement."
So anyway, I've had this "discussion" with both my brother and Dad. I'm not coming over Saturday am driving 25 miles each way because 1) My wife works so I take daughter to gymnastics classes and 2) She 6 I cant take into betting shop so hows that going to work? (It town centre so cant park outside). So this was two weeks ago - he just nodded.
Yesterday, "your brother is away, you'll HAVE to come over Saturday am to go to the betting shop for me". NO!!!!!!!!!!! So I said look Dad I'm happy to do the bet online for you but theres a minimum. OK.
So I found out - it'd be £8. Oh no he wont do that because he only likes to spend a fiver when he has a bet. So can I still come over?
So hang on now, I drive 50 miles round trip, 2 hours plus out of my day, my daughter misses her gymnastics so you don't have to spend £3 more than you wanted? OMG. Lets just say it took all my power to just say NO! Did you not listen the other week when I said it was not possible?
Hes not speaking to me now because I won't do this "one thing" for him. And apparently I need to tell my wife not to work Saturdays so she can have my daughter freeing me up to drive over to put his bet on. As if.
I'm sorry but putting money on the horses is not a basic human need. He annoys me so much sometimes with his selfishness.
Paul, that is GREAT. Let him be mad. It's the first step for him to accept or at least realize that he can't pull strings and make you into a marionette anymore. The next step should be that he would lower his expectation of you. So, keep up the first step and soon he'll be ready for the second.
Good job Paul. DON"T WAIVER.
I'm a little confused when you said it took all your power to just say NO. So..., what were you about to do instead? Say YES? or let him have it?
I know I should be getting used it but it annoys me SO MUCH that he expects me to give up so much. Even when theres an option for him to do himself. I suppose, I've always said 3 hours of my time is worth 20 secs and £1 of Dads resources in his head.
Thing is he "doesn't want to spend the £3 extra". Because in his head, £5 a day is well enough on betting and you shouldn't spend more. The fact that it costs me a tenner in petrol is irrelevant. Thats Dad to a T - his life these days seems to be ruled by rules in his head about how things work. Mostly total rubbish.
Polar - No I was never going over. I meant took all my power to calmly say NO rather than scream at him and tell him how selfish he was.
A PA (personal assistant, what they're calling support workers nowadays) I know of has to go to CostCo to get her client cigarettes in bulk. Not for us to tell people how to spend their money.
Social services have a duty to enable his autonomy. Sons don't. He might think on that.
Your Dad's 4. List LOL! Same! Also frugal +++ house is roasting in summer (won't allow aircon) & freezing all winter. (I wore a beanie when visiting).
I had noticed smaller changes in her years ago, getting more frugal, less flexible thinking. I peeked in the kitchen cupboard once & found 2 tins of soup & 1 tuna... oh your Mother only likes to buy enough for a few days. Later brain scans show evidence of past TIAs apparantly & there is a small lack of O2 getting to her brain too. Well.
Have you had a sit down chat with Dad - along the lines of, Dad I'm a bit concerned you may be lonely or need a bit more help? Maybe we could discuss it? Does he have any Council help besides meals on wheels?
Sorry if you have already said but just wondering: Does he really not have enough food? Or just angling for a visit? How is his memory? Is he eating well? Remembering to pay bills, wearing appropriate clothing for the weather, clean clothes, hygiene ok? If these are *off* may be time to go see the GP with him.
He sounds like a nice old gent, if a bit anxious. Probably do well in a retirement home with others around for company.
Yes I've spoken to his GP a few times. No problems. He has PLENTY of food. Meals on wheels 4 days a week (he refuses the other 3 days so he can moan about it). Its all a con with him to get more visits.
Hygiene - no. Hes dirty but its because he cant be arsed. And he thinks one wash a week is fine.
Need more help. I've got a stair lift fitted, walk in shower - its been a massive fight every time. Got a cleaner in - he cancelled it. Hes had carers in the past - moaned they refused to come at 9am dead on. Cancelled them.
Thing is he sees it as shameful to have help. Hes afraid of what his stupid friends say. BUT its OK for his family to do it.
"Nice old gent". Ha ha. Hes a very good actor. Sorry I've little patience left after years of abuse from him. I almost lost my marriage and my kids because of his demands and he doesnt care. Its only last few years I've pushed back and put an end to it all - I had to!
He'd do very well in a retirement home but see above about the shame of it all.
It would really be the best solution all around.
Surely you can't use these as your personal slave? In my experience, they show up with a small timeslot and basically get him dressed, make his breakfast and thats about it.
CM - obviously you're in the UK so know a bit more about how it works here.
Of course, I guess if its a PAID person then its a bit different. But like having a PA.
Never going to happen if theres ANY cost involved. Dad WOULD NOT IN A MILLION YEARS pay anyone. Why? Hes got me to do that. (in his head).
I live in NYC. My friend's mom, with dementia, has round the clock aids. They take her to the doctor, shopping, etc. Whatever she wants. I imagine if she wanted to go to the betting parlor, if we had those anymore, they would take her there.
Now that you have stood your ground and he's not talking to you, time to bolster up that resolve and maintain the barrier!!! Don't call or visit - see how long he can maintain no contact. BUT, know as soon as you cave, you will lose ground.
I'm imaging your Dad sitting in the old people's home complaining about the food, the staff & his ailments - AND LOVING IT!
I showed my needy family members my calendar. I coloured up blocks of time for work, study, kids activities etc. This blue bit is the time I can visit/assist you. Other times I cannot. Of course I will help in an emergency (eg car accident) but your day to day stuff is YOUR day to day stuff. I am only ONE person. If your needs are more than I can help with, you need a village approach. More people/services to help. If you need more than people popping in & out can do, you will need to move into a village environment.
I now visit once a week - for a cuppa. (I got burnt out so that's all I will do at present).
Would your Dad accept your calender limits? You are laughing aren't you? Mine wouldn't at first, but I kept stating, no I'm not coming until *x-day*. First real test was when summoned to go shower/dress/clean house when carer due at 10:00 called to say was only able to come at 9:30 or 11:00 that day - she said no & summoned me for 10:00 instead. Nope. Not an emergency. Not coming.
Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part. I learnt it on this site & it's now one of my mantras!
I dont care. He obsessed with how much money he spends.