Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Here’s an example of what I had to do with my mom.
I would leave my house and go pick her up at her home to bring her to doctor appointments. She liked to go out for lunch afterwards. Lunch was fine. We both had to eat. My husband was at work and the kids were still at school.
She loved a sandwich shop that was on the way home. She would say to me, “Oh honey, the doctor visit wore me out so bring me home, then go back and pick up the sandwiches and we will eat them at my house.”
The first couple of times she suggested that I agreed but it caused me to have to rush back home to make sure I made it home before the school bus.
Something clicked and I realized that I was being manipulated by mom. I started telling her, “Mom, my kids are at the bus stop at such and such a time and I have to be there. We can stop and eat at the sandwich shop or you can sit in the car while I pick up the sandwiches. I am not going to backtrack wasting my time and rush to get home before the school bus. There is no other choice, so pick one.”
Mom made a face and then said, “Okay, we can go to the sandwich shop on the way home. She ended up talking to the nice couple who owned it. We actually had nice lunches. She knew the couple. They were very sweet and attended her church. She enjoyed seeing them. I wanted her to remain social in the community like she had before daddy died.
Your dad will survive if he doesn’t go to your house.
Start by sitting or standing comfortably. Now arrange your mouth in the shape of saying no. Now say No.
Again. 5 more. Breathe inbetween. No. Breathe. No. Breathe. No. Breathe. No. Breathe. No. Breathe.
Repeat to self daily.
One day you will surprise yourself & a newly perfected no will be spoken when you need it.
I may jest right? But I do get it! My Dad brought me up too & learning to say no to him as an adult is changing a lifetime habit.
My tiny squeaks of no last year are now real worlds. The feel more natural to say. If I do falter, I buy time, stall & call back when my answer is composed.
You can do it!
Paul - Holidays are stressful. Do what you can and forget the rest.
He was not happy. More with the fact that there'd be no-one at home to greet him. I can see now the fallout is going to be "I havent seen you're wife all year" and "I havent been to your house all year". You're going to wait a while for my wife.
He did moan about the cost £20! And he did moan my teenage son wasnt going. (Hes going to be home). Apparently, I should "make" him go. If you all remember hes on the ASD spectrum - there is no way in a million years hes going to want to sit in a restaurant with us two.
But a good result nevertheless.....
All I've got to worry about now is how he behaves in the restaurant....
I have also made it clear that certain times are *family duty* occassions. They accept this concept easily now. (But there were many early years they were kept out of restaurants & shopping centres for our own sanity too).
Good result for Boxing Day!
I'm not taking them just so Dad can line up "people who've seen his over xmas" that's for sure. Hes 16 now. He'll stay home on his own.
As I explained to Dad, even if he did come to my house, son would not be coming out for more than 10 mins even if I forced him to eat at the table.
Restaurant is booked. Brother been trying to contact me (hes obviously found out I'm not having Dad for xmas) - number blocked and blocked via facebook.
Hes told Dad to tell me hes "upset I wont have Dad over xmas". I just shrugged.
Not interested in the games the pair of them play. Switched off to it all now.
Dad can come out to the restaurant on boxing day or not. Up to him. Hes not coming to ours Xmas day no matter what. End of.
They can both moan all they like.
I bet your dad will go to the restaurant but if he doesn’t, well he doesn’t, so be it!
Too bad if your brother is upset! That’s his problem, not yours. There is no reason that your dad has to go to your house for Christmas.
Congrats, for solving that issue rather nicely! Cheers! 🍻
He might let it go.
Sometimes he thinks about things and then thinks "this is not right". He'll realise that hes not seen my wife for a year or more. Hes got a BIG thing about that - all because my brothers wife goes to see him once a week, my wife should do the same... Crazy...
He'll be awful in the restaurant too. I know. Its a set menu, its only £21 but he'll moan loudly about "daylight robbery" be weird and patronising with the waiting staff (if its a bloke he'll say "its not right having a man serve you").
Then I'll have to stop him pressing a pound coin into the waiter/waitresses hand and expecting him/her to thank him profusely.
Not a restaurant I've ever been and probably wont go again. Its near his house....
Look, he's an odd old man. Restaurants and diners alike have experienced odd old men for centuries. They won't hold you responsible for his behavior.
Stop being embarrassed by your dad. No one else cares about his behavior.
Your dad isn't used to you standing firm at first, but if you keep it up, he'll get used to it, then expect it, and then maybe even accept it.
You are a good father and husband for protecting your family from a dysfunctional, miserable person wanting to ruin their Christmas.
My sister also told her just stay away off these topics and leave at a normal hour. Be pleasant not miserable. It took her about 5yrs to come around bc she had to blame everyone but herself at first. She is stubborn, but when she behaved it was lovely and I invited her back.
I flat out told her her behavior wont be tolerated and she only had her self to blame. I dont hate her but just that horrible miserable behavior.
I'd tell your dad that straight to his face. That they dont like your behavior and dont want to be around you. That's why you havent seen them. Let him get mad. Hell think about that when he is staring at the tv alone.
My mom was also a narcissist. So was my grandmother who would deliberately order food not listed on the menu. I told her if she cant pick something from the menu we will leave. And proceeded to move towards the end of the booth to leave. Her choice. She backed down. When they find out their antics wont be tolerated they can act normal. They choose not to. They only try to act narcissistic when they think they can get away with it.
You tell him the day before the antics wont be tolerated. Then right before you go. That includes snide comments to you and the wait staff, about food prices and anything else he wants to be nasty about. If he starts to act up in the restaurant your done, meal over. Check! Even if it means getting the food in a go bag. Running ahead to pay and getting in the car. Tell him he is not enjoyable and you wont tolerate bad behavior. You can go home to a nice meal and fun family, while he sulks alone. And you will still enjoy the evening even more without him. (That remark will get to him). Narcs never want to be alone. They always want an audience and to manipulate. Be prepared for him to act up on purpose to see if you will follow thru. So you must! Even if it is in the middle of dinner. Put the fork down, your done. Leave him to get a taxi home, or get the car. Too bad. Life is to short to be miserable. Good luck. Dont feel bad about it either. He will come around but he will test boundries first. You are establishing healthy boundaries. So if you feel bad, remind yourself of that. Over and over. I'd tell my mom that. I'm doing normal now. I'm not doing whatever it is you want, and I dont go to crazy town any more.
Here are some things to say to yourself, to remind you of what normal boundries are now.
https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/3949/7-healing-affirmations-victims-narcissistic-abuse/
My husband’s grandmother was a real character! Do you know how I ended up handling it? I referred to her as ‘free entertainment.’ I swear to you that I have so much material that if I ever decided to do a stand up comedy routine it would sell out! The things that she did were absolutely hysterical!
Start collecting material for jokes from your dad. I will do the female version of your dad with my husband’s grandmother’s antics. We will take our act on the road and sell out at every venue! Hahaha 😂 Laugh, cry or get mad? More fun to laugh at their foolishness. It took me forever to live in the moment. Life is too short to stress out over their ridiculous behavior.
My grandfather’s family came to New Orleans from Birmingham, England. I have always wanted to visit there.
I have booked a local bistro for my side. Turn up & self pay. Don't like it? Msg me a better idea & we'll discuss. I am so zen about this year I am like a new person 😊. It does get easier!
Last year however.... 🤯 nearly a breakdown.
Mum: We are coming to your house Xmas day. You are doing the cooking this year.
Me: I am working Xmas day, so no.
Mum: But you have to cook.
Me: I am working Xmas day.
Mum: we'll come after work.
Me: there won't be any food.
Mum: We'll have cold food.
Me: No, you are not coming to my house Xmas day. In fact you are not coming to my house at all. It is too small for everyone & it's hard to get your wheelchair up the steps & I don't think it will fit down the hallway & the bathroom is inaccessible.
Mum: We're coming. It will be ok.
Me: No you are not.
Mum: Well we want the come.
Me: Fine. Come then. No one will be home. You can sit in the car out front.
I left it a few days.
Mum still adament she was coming to my house, not offering hers (even though bigger & set up for her wheelchair). Dad zero help. But your Mother wants... She didn't want any mess at her house (even though for years we bring the food, cook & do all the cleaning up).
Pressure from sister's too. Well WE can't do it... Resturant? (no they all say too pricey). Aaaagggg. I finally said let's go to a local park - but you will have to cope with the weather. December here can be anything: 18 to 40, humid, thunderstorm, windy. So picnic tables & chairs lugged to park. Mild but humid day. Bogan family of smokers set up nearby :( Starts to rain a bit. Had to cook at home & bring it all. Never ever ever again.
Told sister it would be her turn this year - but too impractical for us to travel to hers really. So I took it on again this year. Bistro it is.
I have a cruise picked out for next year. Sister can arrange or not - be no difference to me. I will do pop in nursing home style visits beforehand - then sail away.....
Rant over.
Yes! A few years back I quit all the holiday shenanigans for everyone! Not worth it. You’re very wise!
I tried to have a quiet word. I asked him please,
-Do not criticise how much we've bought the kids for xmas its none of your business. (He'd upset my wife every year).
-Do not tell everyone how much you hate cats (my wifes a cat lover and we've got three) and not going into detail telling innappropriate stories from when you were young
- Try and be appreciate and have some manners. I never heard a please or a thank you. He'd just sit there and bark orders at me - "get me a cup of tea".
- Its our house, the kids are noisy, its messy but you do not get to criticise and tell the kids off.
In one ear and out the other - I'd be eating xmas dinner, he'd be off on some topic and be looking at my wife and seeing her face in "ready to explode" mode. She never did - and I love her loads for it.
Could I have put up with that from my MIL - probably not.
Its a large industrial city....
On the plus side, its only a few hours drive to Wales. You can come and see me! ;-)
My Dad has been similar. My wifes a District nurse so she does work 24/7.
His answer "tell you're wife shes got tell her boss she cant work xmas day"
Yeah right.
This is from the man who abuses the system, calls the nurse out when hes not supposed to, complains they dont come the time he wants.
Yet he doesnt mind other patients who are actually ill not getting treated because my wifes cooking his xmas dinner!
Remember he moaned that my wife didn't phone his especially on his birthday? At the time I thought, "do you not remember what you've done to her recently and you expect her to call you?"
If I told him the truth he'd get upset and make a deal out of it. I just can't cope with the fake "Im so sorry" to be honest. It wont sink in.
The novel Middlemarch is set in Birmingham. It started out as a pokey little town with nothing much to it, but in the 19th century it began to flourish.
I will concede that it has never had a name for being what you would call stylish or charming. Most unfair!
Maybe he needs a tropical holiday - as nice as Birmingham sounds...
I'm picturing an older man on a beach in Spain. Complaning about the men-waiters & chips being different...
I am only interested in Birmingham because of my maternal grandfather’s roots. I would want to see lots of other places in England. I have heard Wales is lovely as well.
I’m telling you, Paul
With your material from your dad and my material from my husband’s grandmother we could do a great stand up comedy show in England and Wales. Hey, throw in Scotland and Ireland because I could visit my dad’s heritage too!
I think most of us could perform in a fabulous comedy act. Join us CM! Anyone else ready to go on the road with us with our comedy routine? Hahaha 😂
You mention Victorian and Edwardian pieces. My grandfather’s name was Edward and he had a sister named Victoria. They had a large family.