Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Last time, I bunged the normal tip (its more like 10-15% here in uk) on credit card bill and he went on for HOURS how I had "more money than sense".
She didn’t want her husband to put money in the collection basket in Mass! He told her that he was blessed so he was going to give back. She got mad.
It can't be a coincidence - I've met two ladies in the same street, with the same kind of house, who must be asset-rich cash-poor I think. One got very anxious about how many flannels we were putting in the laundry. The other didn't want me to turn on her bedroom light because the sun was coming up (so it was. Just about!).
They certainly are of a generation who dread the thought of not being able to pay a household bill.
Then there is another whole set of people who bitterly resent being asked to contribute to care costs when the care is required because of dementia. Dementia is mental ill-health. Ill health is treated by the NHS. The NHS is free at the point of delivery...
Groan.
a) I am not going to solve this interdisciplinary conundrum single-handed in 45 minutes on a Monday morning.
b) I am part of a transitional health-to-social care service which IS free of charge and is designed to eliminate or minimise the need for ongoing health and social care inputs.
c) Much as I sympathise, and while I understand the principles at stake: some of such families are living in extremely nice houses with 2-4 more bedrooms than they can ever use in an idyllic location which, moreover, requires their humble servants (us) to undertake a forty mile round trip so that they can continue to live where and how they want, be it never so impractical and unsustainable. And they're complaining to us?
I like your wife's shopping bag lady! Talk about trying it on :)
I personally love it when you catch them scampering back upstairs - I take the care plan up to them and read aloud from it: "Mr Smith will be in bed. Please support him to sit to stand, then walk using frame to the bathroom..." Then I look over the top of my glasses at them and smile enquiringly.
"Oh well you were so late I was desperate for a cup of tea I didn't think you were coming..."
Fair point but its doing no good in the bank. Like I said, in the past, hes refused to spend money to help himself have an easier life. Got him a disability grant for stairlift but he had to pay a few £100 so didnt want to do it. (Ironically, if he'd had less in savings he'd have had to pay ZERO).
My wife tells me some stories. Her worse one was when a family member snatched the notes out of her hand because she was writing that "x was doing the hoovering when I arrived". Obviously, legit medical notes but the family obviously had a reason for not wanting this written.
My wife is merciless (as she should be - they cant cope with genuine patients). Not all are like that. Some just cant be bothered with the grief which is wrong....
"Hes lucky he doesn't live in the area my wife works. She very often discharges patients back to the surgery for things like this. "
"... was upset because shes now got to drive 1/2 a mile to the GP surgery instead."
Here in the states, surgergy is an operation where the surgeon cuts you up and fixes something inside you. I don't think it means that where you are.
I don’t think it’s uncommon, do you? My mom lived through the depression.
They don’t want to spend any money. Her mom, my grandmother would not buy a can of corn in the grocery because the price was 5 cents higher.
My aunt would buy a child’s price movie ticket when I was 15 because I looked like I was 12 and it was cheaper!
They waited for an item to go on sale at a reduced price before they bought it.
Everything was mended. Everything was recycled. Nothing was wasted. The depression effected them deeply. It’s good not to waste money but they take it to extremes.
My mom tried to make me feel guilty if I bought a cup of coffee at a coffeehouse, saying that I could make my coffee cheaper at home. I always made coffee at home and see nothing wrong with treating myself to a cup out occasionally.
I would have to lie to my grandma about gifts that I bought for her. I had to tell her that I got a good deal or she would get upset with me for spending money on her. I figured she didn’t need to know that I paid full price for it.
Imagine a world without money! At one time we bartered for things. There is an obsession with money.
"General Practitioner" is the doctor.
So to "go to the surgery" means to go to the doctors office instead of having a home visit.
Same though - "to have surgery" is to have something done by surgeon maybe. Although most people would say "having an operation"
Two countries divided by a common language lol..... :-)
When we used to go away for the weekend he was a nightmare. Always wanted to eat in the cheapest places. (CM will know wetherspoons - a pub chain where its cheap. Its OK but one trip we ate there, same place, for two meals a day every day for 3 days because it was cheap).
Worse still when we're away he'd criticise me. He'd say things like "why do want that - its £4" or I bought a sandwich when we were out "why pay money for that, you can make you're own for cheaper". (yes if you're home!)
Trouble is he has no grip on actual costs anyway so his view is skewed anyway. EVERYTHING is expensive to Dad. Until recently he had this idea in his head that £100 was a good weekly wage (minimum wage is £9 or so an hour in the uk).
He called them out again yesterday. 3 times in a week now. This time the young GP told him "Its a cold", there is nothing on his xray, and no more antibiotics. I think Dad had a bit of a go at him. He admitted the senior partner called him later to speak to him about "how he treats the visiting GP", and to tell him no more home visits for Colds please.
Dad wants me to phone them an official complaint for "refusing to treat his illness". Umm NO WAY.
No idea why hes like this. If I ever sneeze in his presence I get three days of "why haven't you been to the doctor?". Surely EVERYONE knows for a cold you don't need a doctor?
Dad, as usual, won't listen to me or anyone else including his doctor.
I'm keeping out of this one again.
Do I sound like I'm joking? I'm not joking.
He'll be even happier if he turns out to have bronchitis or pneumonia.
The GPs could *threaten* him with a home visit if he doesn't behave himself!
He wont do it now himself - He just wanted me to do it.
Probably best. Not sure what he said to this GP but knowing Dad, he's not polite to people, especially when they dont do what he wants. I dont think he wants to upset his GP Surgery any more than he does already with his excessive callouts...
Im keeping quiet on that one. I dread to think if he convinces himself hes got it. Unlikely because hes not been out of the house for weeks!
Need: *irrational people* that's the answer. When Dad says/does irrational things - give it ZERO value. (visualise a sheep leaping for no reason maybe? 😁)
Polar: your broken record approach. Yes I like this a lot. He may not listen or cognitively process it but eventually (drip drip drip) he will start to parrot it back.. "Yes I KNOW you told me, you CAN'T come coz you are busy working & with your family... But I need you to XYZ! I'm dying here!!". Broken record, repeat.
That's why I wondered if a heart to heart got through (nope). So lots of words don't work.
A nice short sharp sentence as a broken record might? but if not...
Next step is use your actions.
I'm now not getting annoyed at the way he abuses both the District Nurse and his own GP home visit. They are adults and they can tell him NO if they want. If they want to continue to pander to his every need then deal with it.
Phone rings Saturday morning. Need help. Went to help. Over & over. Then we had 'the chat' about family/work/life I just can't do this, you need to get outside help. Use the care agency that comes on weekdays (at least we had that).
Phone rings Saturday morning. I need help. Grumble. Went to help. Said you have 2 weeks to get more help - I will be working some Saturdays. Call that carer agency.
2 weeks later. Phone rings Saturday morning. Need help. Not coming. Told you I was no longer coming. Phone that carer company.
Heart was really racing that first time I didn't go. Had to toughen up as had to do it over & over & over. Not driving - call taxi. Not buying groceries - get delivered. Not lifting you off the floor - call emergency service & on & on it went.
Organise your village of helpers, hire someone to organise your village helpers or move into a village. Your choice. This is your responsibility as you are deemed CAPABLE. If you deemed INCAPABLE I will be happy to become your legal guardian & arrange your care.
I am now a friendly VISITOR. I bring occasional cake.
You could bring betting scratches!
Paul, you have to decide how much you can do. Phone call on Sundays? Lunch out for birthdays? Or weekly groceries if you can/want. I'd personally quit that, suggest delivery & then be that broken record. He will be forced to use non-family this way. He will of course lean 100% on brother, who will push onto his wife & you. But that's brother's issue.
His actions will cause consequences that effect him. He he gets dropped from the district home service so be it.
You are NOT responsible for his behaviour.
Im now sticking rigidly to two phone calls a week and a visit once a fortnght. I'm ok to get some groceries when I visit but not getting conned into extra because "hes got no food". Plan ahead or take me up on offer of getting it delivered.
Same with Saturdays. No Im busy. If brother wants to take your bets to the betting shop every saturday up to him. If he can't I aint filling in. I'll do a bet online but other that do without.
GP and Nurses- yep he can deal with the fallout from that one. They're adults and so is he. No longer interested.
(Hes been dropped by DN service about 5 times. Its a flawed system - he goes back to GP surgery moans and speaks to the Practice nurse who puts him back on the DN list - they have no power to say no just to keep discharging him back to the Practice nurse! Its crazy. Wife is a DN she says it happens all the time. Practice dont want the grief so they offload to DN - its like a game)
100 pounds a week is a good wage? In what decade? My father made $70 a week in 1950. Funny store about decades is when my mother would tell me a fantastical story and I would ask - "In what decade did that happen?" because it wasn't realistic thinking!
Same with Saturdays. No Im busy. If brother wants to take your bets to the betting shop every saturday up to him. If he can't I aint filling in. I'll do a bet online but other that do without.
GP and Nurses- yep he can deal with the fallout from that one. They're adults and so is he. No longer interested."
!!!!!BEST POST FROM YOU SO FAR!!!!!
When she lived with me, same thing. She would not spend a lot. They are ultra conservative with money.
I agree, Paul. Don’t do any more than absolutely necessary! He can’t keep expecting you to do everything.