Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
I hope the game isn’t called off. Coronavirus is spreading and events are effected.
Here in New Orleans, Tulane University is studying the virus at the primate center. They are injecting monkeys with the virus to study how it spreads.
A long time ago some of their monkeys escaped and ended up in people’s backyards. Crazy, huh? Not all of the monkeys were recovered.
And yes, compared to your son's needs, dad's needs are pretty low on the urgency/importance scale.
That is a brilliant answer! It would get dad off his back. How could Paul’s dad argue about a work emergency? Plus Paul could stretch it out as long as he needed to, weeks or months, LOL. Paul could say it’s a very difficult situation and it is going to take awhile to fix the problem with his customer’s issues. Love your answer! Bravo!
It strikes me as being the kind of thing that he wouldn't mention.
Remember when I asked if your dad cared for his parents? You said that his mom lived at home until her 90’s and was a handful. Your dad didn’t like it and said if he ever got that way to shoot him. That is quite ironic.
Maybe you should remind him of how he felt. Let him think on it. If he is as sharp as you say he is then he will get the message.
Dad doesn't approve and it has been pointed out here a few times - he doesn't consider paul's line of work a "proper job."
It has been suggested many times already, DON'T FEED THE BEAST! No fodder means no ammunition to fire back with. Simple NO. Shouldn't have mentioned going out with friends either (although it IS okay that dad gets to go out with HIS friends!) NOTHING you do is ANY of his business. No is simple, then "talk to you soon!" >click<
I see your point but there may be another side to it.
I like Polar’s suggestion about work. I like it a lot. I think it’s the perfect answer because who can argue with having to work. It’s not about if he agrees with the type of work it is.
It is work and I feel it would be more satisfying to Paul’s dad to hear something specific. He has an answer as to why Paul isn’t going to be there. It’s a pacifier to keep him quiet.
He doesn’t have to like the answer. Hopefully, this will lead him to stay off Paul’s back. Maybe not, it may be wishful thinking. One can only hope!
The key is to just say it once, then as you say, “Click.” Hang up, because another call is coming or whatever because he is a guy who needs some kind of answer or he will stew over it and go at Paul full force the first chance he gets.
My mom was like this too. Nag, nag, nag, but if I did what Polar suggested, gave an answer, she wouldn’t attack! It saved us both a headache.
I will give an example, when I had a doctor appointment and I had a sitter with mom so she was cared for, and I was home later than she expected me to be she would ask me, “What took so long?” My reply was, “I had a longer wait at the doctor today.”
Truth? Nope! I went for a cappuccino at my favorite coffee shop! Had I told her that all hell would have broken out. This way she would tell me, “Yes, sometimes there is a longer waiting time.” Nice and peaceful discussion!
It’s a matter of knowing how people are and how they react like I knew how my mom would react. Paul’s dad worked. He is going to understand that he has work to do and accept it as he does with Paul’s brother working. It shouldn’t matter what line of work Paul does. He accepts that Paul earns money to support his family.
Who can take any statement
Sprinkle it with poo
Make it all about him
and add in a medical crisis or two?
The daddy-man can
The daddy-man can
The daddy-man can cause he mixes it with lies and makes it all about him...
Whether he thinks it a "real" job or not, he STILL doesn't accept that as a reason to not drop everything and do his bidding. It is still best NOT to feed it. It'll still groan and moan, but it can't turn whatever is said around and use it. N-O. Keep It Simple.
As for "...satisfying to Paul’s dad to hear something specific. He has an answer as to why Paul isn’t going to be there. It’s a pacifier to keep him quiet."
He HAS tried many times to give a specific reason why something can't be done at this instant when dad demands it. ANYTHING he hears is just blah blah and he does not care. He won't accept ANY answer, it is ALL about him and everything else can be put on a back burner or just go to hell, kids, work, wife, family, outings - ANYTHING. HE COMES FIRST in his head and anything else is just hoo-hah.. Even if paul said nothing, he wouldn't remain quiet. So, just say nothing, or NO, and tune out anything he says - don't even respond to whatever drivel comes out of his mouth. Become deaf and dumb.
BTW, happy birthday again - said it when you first mentioned it a bit ago, but it never hurts to wish it again!
Out of curiosity, does dad ever call you to wish YOU a happy birthday? No money on it, but I'd bet more often than not, no (if at all.)
I agree about his personality but no harm in trying once. His brother has gotten away with it. Can’t hurt to give it a shot.
If it doesn’t work, oh well...If it does work. Hallelujah, right? I will throw in an Amen too if it works! LOL
I was aware of this issue, which is why I suggested covering the car seat. Just a seat cover won't help, but if you put something protective under the seat cover, you can protect your car. That doesn't require any agreement or money on his part. He pees on his pants and has to sit in or walk around with wet pants, so be it. So long as you protect your car seat, let him sit in it.
"I've tried the rules thing before. Tried to be nice, tried to be nasty. In one ear and out the other. I've even sat him down and said "look Dad its not on the way you try and tell me what to do - I'm 51 years old"."
plus
"His attitude is always "Im just trying to help" and "you know me if I've got something to say I've got to say it"."
This is where I would just cut him off each and every time he starts, say ZIP IT and then turn it around on him, that YOU have something to say and you're going to say it.
If he starts on the room, cut him off, ZIP IT. It's MY money and MY choice, you have NO say. If he tries to argue, cut him off - N O S A Y. Don't even let him finish what he tries to say. Cut off any additional responses, or add some more ZIP ITs if he continues to whinge. Food and beverages - here it is, eat it or go hungry/thirsty. Choosing restaurant or place to stay, it is MY DIME, I SAY THIS IS WHERE WE GO, ZIP IT. ZIP IT for every attempt to disagree, excuse/explain himself. ZIP IT. There is no reasoning with him, just interrupt him every time. Don't let him finish his stupid comments.
Also, make sure you stick to that schedule you set for yourself!
For good measure, you could reply to the 'just want to help' statement, AFTER cutting it off, IF I want your help, I will ask for it, then ZIP IT and keep cutting him off and/or tune him out, walk away.
He's been doing this too long, and not had anyone stop him, so now it is just a VERY bad habit. It is a shame someone didn't nip this in the bud long ago. The best one can hope for is to cut him off every time he starts, hopefully shut him up and if he gets angry, so what. He makes you angry all the time. Let him be the angry man. Cut him off every time he starts this BS. Throw a few NOs in there along with the ZIP ITS. Tune it out or stay away more.
I hear what you are saying about trying once, but there have been multiple times the work subject has come up in the postings here. It doesn't matter what paul says about work, dad doesn't give a rat's patootie that paul has obligations with his job (considering it not a "real " job is just another warped view dad has of the world in general - paul HAS said he has to work and dad doesn't care. The "real" job issue usually comes into play because in paul's line of work, it isn't a 9-5 M-F kind of job, so if paul has to work on a weekend, dad doesn't get it, therefore paul should get a "real" job. Paul HAS tried explaining, it hasn't worked before, it won't now. Just NO.)
When I wrote "He HAS tried many times to give a specific reason why something can't be done at this instant when dad demands it.", the reasons HAVE included that he has to work. Doesn't fly with dad. It has been tried many times, many ways, it doesn't matter what obligations there are for paul, it only matter that the daddy-man says jump and paul is to say how high.
What you did with your mother is just used a little plausible fib to explain why you were so long. She knows what it is like at a doc appt. In this dad's case, he would STILL complain about how long it took, no matter what you said was the cause, even if it was a long wait at the doc office! That's the difference. As difficult as your mother could be, she could be reasonable, he can't.
Paul’s dad is stubborn. That’s for sure. Stubborn people usually aren’t very rational. It’s sad, isn’t it?
People like that are miserable and as they say, misery loves company. My husband’s grandma was one of the most miserable people ever! Yet, in front of strangers butter would melt in her mouth. Know the type? The family joke was that she could have won an academy award for her acting abilities!
As soon as her performance was over and she was behind closed doors alone with the family she morphed back into her true colors.
So interesting...very often afterwards I thought about her having a mental disorder like bipolar disorder but it wasn’t commonly spoken of them. I swear she would flip a switch! One minute being nice and the next being a monster!
We begged her to speak to a therapist. She never would because she never felt that she was wrong about anything. Everyone else was wrong, not her.
She could not have a civil conversation like we are having with each other where there was a back and forth dialogue. She had monologues! LOL. Only one opinion, hers!
She didn’t know how to be respectful of someone who had a different opinion. Even if people disagree it is possible to be respectful towards them. Not with her. Anyone who disagreed was considered an enemy.
Poor woman, this is why she had no friends and she drove everyone away, family and friends. Too bad her husband didn’t divorce her. He was so sweet and she made him absolutely miserable but he was a devout Catholic and would not leave her.
My darling mother in law was devoted to her even though she was treated horribly by her because she felt that she had to obey the fourth commandment. She took honoring her mother and father very seriously. It’s just sad.
Polar: your daughter's honesty - may it be a breath of fresh air in this fake news age!
I once bought some new clothing in a sort of pinky-beige tone. My son saw me open the bag & said "turkey!". ?? He then asked me why I bought pants that were the exact colour of cooked turkey. Still makes me laugh to think if the tag had 'turkey' as the colour (instead of sunset sand or whatever they called it).
Paul: Since you are now middle aged (no offence, so am I - it's a GOOD thing) maybe you will become *selectively deaf*. Deaf to all Dad's grumbles about money & extravigence when out. Yes, yes, hmm, what? Sorry, wasn't listening...
Is he doing the old "I'm fine" while starting to leave puddles on chairs?
Maybe add men's padded pants to his shopping order when you take him, don't discuss it, just guess the size & leave them in his bedroom where he can see them. If he pesters about it, just say most people his age wear them & find them quite comfortable.
Whoever said hide some padding under the car seat cover - spot on. I use 'blueys'.
Had to have this talk with sister about this. Got the old 'I don't need them'. I went softly at first: well it will be embaressing to clean a chair when out.
After my car seat required cleaning, I stepped it up. Wear the pants to go out with me in my car or I DON'T DRIVE YOU. I turned up & started leaving twice I think before she believed me & went to change.
I started carrying a clean up kit in the car boot (old towels, gloves & plastic bags). Asked her to bring spare clothing. 'I don't need to'.
Both an OT, Nurse & Doctor (separately) explained to me: warn her, offer advice, then the consequences are HERS.
The OT explained to her that since accidents were happening frequently, a good idea would be to take spare clothing & wipes when going out. Would she? No. Would she change her diet? No. See a doctor? No. OT asked if she became dirty when out what would she do? Didn't know. OT said she would have to go home. By taxi. Maybe have to pay a cleaning fee for taxi too.
Just warning you that the ability to push every responsibility onto others can be endless. The day he asks you to wipe his backside (when he can still do it) tell him he's ready for the nursing home.
I wholeheartedly agree. When my mom started becoming incontinent she willingly wore protection. No problem there.
I was visiting a neighbor recently. Her mom was visiting too. She heard us talking about shopping and knew I needed some things from the store. My neighbor has told me that she refuses to wear pads or diapers. Her mom knew that I was leaving to go to the store and asked for a ride. I was caught off guard and said yes.
My neighbor had to to pick up her grandson from school and told her that she would drive her later but she wanted to go with me to the drugstore for items that were on sale.
I happen to keep a towel in my car because my daughter’s elderly dog is incontinent. When I watch my daughter’s dog I sometimes take him for his grooming appointment. I left the towel on the seat and told my neighbor’s mom that it stays in the car for the dog because he has accidents and not to move it. She said, “Poor little doggy!” I was thinking to myself, great now you won’t ruin the seats in my new car! Hahaha
Dads work thing is weird. Of course, he thinks my job is easy - I'm in an office and I must be a "manager" and "one of them". Hes asked me about being On call/Standby and made comments like "Wow money for doing nothing, never got that in the factory, you're so lucky". Then when I'm up all night working 15 hours straight hes like "I'd never do that - they can't expect you to work like that". EXACTLY dad not so easy now.
In the past, he has said "Cant you tell you're boss you can't do on call this weekend because you've got to visit me urgently?" Urgently? Umm no.
It does have some success though - the work thing.Its going to be used more I think. Saying that the last time I got called and couldnt go the reaction was well OTT "I;m so disappointed", "what am I going to do?" "why does it have to happen to me?". Great attitude.
My dear wife has put up with this for 30 years. Its part of my job. Even my kids understand. I hate being called - sometimes I do have to cancel family plans too. Nothing is worse than being told by someone you've "let them down" because you've got called. You're not happy, it could be a LONG day, last thing you need is that. Even my 6 year old, if something needs to be unavoidably cancelled understands. Last time she said "Its OK Daddy I know you have to do work to pay for us to go to Disney". Pity Dad hasnt the same maturity....
So that one time we went away he knew he had an issue but hadn't bothered to mention to a health professional. All he had was some mega cheap thin pads (that brothers wife bought for him - wouldn't stop hamster pee). His attitude "Ah it'll be OK"
No affect on him so why spend money or have hassle.
Same when he peed in the car. No spare clothes. So what? I dont care if people see me covered in pee I'm old.
No effect on him. Bit uncomfortable in wet clothes but he doesn't care about the smell. His plan last time (before I made him buy clothes) was "I'll put the trousers on the radiator in the hotel room - be ok". Ewww. This was after, of course, we'd walked into the 4* Hilton hotel with him soaking wet with pee (I wouldnt let him)
Same the day we drove home, he'd rather pee himself, let me put up with the smell in the car than spend money in the supermarket on pads (I made him!). His answer "its only me and you in the car and you dont mind" Yes I do.
He did go to see someone afterwards. Got assessed. Got pads provided. Alas, the free ones are not the best but its the NHS. No chance he's going to buy better ones if he can get free. (I looked into it and you can get pretty much dual incontence ones which NEVER leak but they cost money).
Trouble is I found out now, because he had one pack of 20 a year ago, he used a few, never ordered more (supposed to order every month) so hes been taken off the list. So we're back to "Ah it'll be ok I dont need them".
I agree. It’s a fantastic answer. Everyone has to work! He can’t argue with it. That’s the route I would take as well. Doesn’t have to be a long answer. It only has to be, “Sorry, I have to work.” End of story.
Your brother doesn’t need to know your business. I would block him too.
My neighbor’s mom who refuses to wear pads tells her daughter. “I solved my problem. I figured out if I wear black pants no one can see if I pee on myself.”
LOL Can you imagine saying that to your daughter? Her daughter said, “No, mom you have to buy pads or diapers at the store or you are not riding in my car or sitting on my furniture.”
She has a store a couple of minutes from her house! She is like your dad. She doesn’t want to spend money.
She screams at her daughter for spending $5.00 for coffee at Starbucks. Her daughter tells her that she works and can afford to buy a coffee!
Yeh Dad thinks £100 is what people earn a week. (Minimum wage is £9 or so an hour). So he thinks everything is expensive....
"Disgusted: loved your song! he he"
Glad you enjoyed! When I read "...who can argue with..." the song just popped into my head! I looked up the lyrics and modified as best I could to fit the situation.
Sometimes we do need to laugh at the situations we are in...
In my best Maria accent "You wetta my car? You don'ta ride in my car! GET IT!!"
I adore Greek people! We have a wonderful Greek festival held at the end of May here. It’s so much fun!
The Greek food and pastries are phenomenal. There is a tour of the Cathedral every year. It’s a beautiful church.
There are performances with the Greek dancers. I always look forward to attending. This year it may be cancelled due to the coronavirus.
All of our St. Patrick celebrations were cancelled. I am Irish! So, I was sad 😞.
We went away for the weekend. Got stuck in traffic and he peed. At the time, OK not his fault. So we stopped off to change his clothes - he had none packed. We were there only 1 night so he'd planned to wear same clothes for two days (I remember we had a heatwave at the time - it was VERY hot).
So I said, right we're getting some clothes in the store. He wasn't happy. He wanted to go on to the hotel (4* Hilton), walk in to reception like this, and then his plan was to put the wet stuff on the radiator and then wear. No!!!!!
Next day the same - we were literally in the car 10 mins. More clothes bought. Then I found out he knew he had a problem but "didn't want to bother the doctor". He had, instead, these cheapy pads that brothers wife had bought (which were so poor they couldnt deal with hamster pee).
So time to go home- 3 hour drive. Dad wanted to drive home and "if it happens again, it doesnt matter, its just us two in the car". No way!!!! I made him buy proper pads in the supermarket for the journey home.
The car was a rental car - mine was having repairs done. It had to be back on the monday morning. I spent sunday evening scrubbing the passenger seat and then hoping no-one would notice when I returned it.
He did eventually see the doc but he ordered pads off them once. Then he didnt bother so they cancelled his "order". Now he can't be bothered to sort it out again. The "free" NHS ones arent the best - he refuses to buy the MAX ones. So hes not getting in my car....
Assume this means no outing with the guys... bummer...
So dad says "your time is freed up now, come visit, take me out, do this, do that..."
So my day out is cancelled. :-(
Yeh Dad will be thinking that now of course....
Tell him that you must stay home if the games were canceled. That it isn’t safe for him to be out.
I am bummed 🙁. My daughter just called me and said that her graduation ceremony from Louisiana State University is cancelled. Diplomas are being mailed out to students. So disappointing for all of us, especially my daughter who was so excited to wear her cap and gown and receive her diploma!