Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Wife has often spoken to here and said about eating and her attitude "oh i just cant be bothered". There is a lot of laziness there....
Wifes dad passed away almost 20 years ago. She started drinking then. For years we'd have "well with my john gone I dont care".
Plans are afoot anyway.
I slipped up and said daughter was having horseriding lessons. I immedially got "what do you want to do that for?"
We've had this argument many, many times that demanding you're 50+ year old son explain what he spends his money on and what he does with his kids is really none of his business.
So I repeated it - his answer "well its a waste of money I think". Give me strength........
I can't really remember but I guess I didn't do many activities when I was a kid, especially if they cost money.
"I immedially got "what do you want to do that for?""
Your mistake was the response to that/arguing - simplest answer, if not silence, would be "Because I can."
He says "well its a waste of money I think".
Your response, if not silence again, "Think what you want, thoughts don't cost anything!"
Adding: FWIW there could be any number of reasons why someone thinks this way or is a penny-pinching miser - my mother was a Depression Era baby, so hard times, she wasn't one to waste things... Until later when she discovered Marshall's and TJMaxx (mainly discount clothing, shoes and other items here) when my dad was doing well and most of us (3) were out of the house! Good god, the clothing, shoes, handbags she had in her place! We could've opened a store! It was at least 4-5 trips to Goodwill to donate with a full SUV, and one trip included my 5x8 trailer! That was mainly the clothes (and some still ended up here in my place!) I finally got YB to take 2 LARGE boxes full of shoes to get them out of my place.
But, she would often express the same kind of sentiment as your dad. When my kids were young (maybe 30+ years ago), I made plans to take them to Disney World. Her reaction? Same as your dad's! Why would you want to spend all that money? They won't remember it. Maybe not, but it was fun for them, and I remember it! My response? I have the time, the money and the inclination. End of subject. Even more ironic, she made photo albums a number of years ago, one for each of us. How many pix of us playing on the beaches of FL!!!!!! Various other places as well.
So, in her case it was okay to spend THOUSANDS on those clothes, etc, exclaim what "bargains" she got, but dismiss anything we would do or buy as a waste of money. When clearing out her place, there were a number of items that still had the tags on them, so never even used. Many more were "outdated", yet she kept them (Oh I keep my things nice! Sure mom, but what good is nice if 1) you don't use them and 2) you can't even fit in them!)
So, that old refrain will never go away. Best to avoid the subject, but when the slip happens, be prepared! Silence or Because!
He is not you and vice versa. You grew up in different eras. Different economic circumstances.
I daresay that "horseback riding" has all sorts of connotations for your dad. "She'll meet upper class twits". "She will try to rise above her station". And so on.
When my step-daughter was a junior in college, she had an opportunity to go to Paris to study for a summer. My MIL wanted to know if it was "worth it" in terms of the credits she'd get.
I happily paid for it as I knew it would be an unforgettable, horizon- broadening experience. What others thought made no difference to me.
Try to figure out why you care so much.
My MIL felt exactly as you did with your stepdaughter.
My husband had the opportunity to go to Germany right out of high school with Georgetown University.
He participated in a summer study program for future engineering students. He loved it!
The following fall he was a student at Tulane University here in New Orleans.
Some of the neighbors thought it was a waste of money.
My MIL was quick to tell them it was none of their business!
She told me, “I will never tell you how to spend your money or how to raise your children,” She kept that promise!
I know that there are tons of MIL jokes but I had a great MIL!
I would tell her, “Thanks for raising your son to be a wonderful husband and father!”
She was funny! A wicked sense of humor saying, “Oh, it was easy! I did the opposite of what my MIL did with her son. She spoiled him rotten and he thought I should wait on him hand and foot and it took me years to deprogram him!”
She would laugh and say that she fell for his gorgeous dark hair! Those handsome Italians! She was French.
Her MIL did not want her to work outside of the home. My MIL graduated with honors with a music degree and loved teaching music.
She could have cared less what her MIL thought of her choices in life.
Learning to speak another language is another mind broadening experience. It even affects how you think and approach life.
Dad worked in a factory all his life so never earned a fortune. But he did ok.
Of course, I went to college and have done ok. Dad has got literally £50K in the bank but won't spend it just in case. I've given up.
There is no way I tell him what I earn of course. BUT he still thinks I should think like him and not spend money. Remember his attitude to taxis/cabs "not for people like us". Eh?
If I go see him, I've got to be careful what I say so I don't get lectured. Sometimes I think "Jeez I drove her to sit here and get lectured at"
You're right about the horses. Hes got this thing, you fit in you're place, you don't make a fuss, and leave those above you alone.... He hates I'm not like that - never have been. I'll just go for it and say why not.
I think I've got a right to. I'm sure I've told you all my story, brought up by Dad as single parent, lived on rough council estate (social housing) - was one of the worst in the country. Went to a really poor high school BUT managed to pass exams and go to college. The rest is history....
Yeh I probably earn more in an hour or two than dad earned in a week, I've got a nice car, nice house, can afford holidays but its all been paid for with hard work (and my wife comes from similar background) so I'm not going to feel guilty about and think I'm not worthy.... BUT Dad doesnt think like that....
And it is snobbery – they’re the toffs, the nobs and the snobs, but we’re better (tougher, more sensible, closer to the soil, etc etc) than they are. Effectively, he's still celebrating the fight for pit-head showers. He thinks he’s the best. You’re the softy useless pink-palmed namby pamby. Valuing women and children proves it. He doesn’t like you much, Paul. He’s out to rub it in time and again. Everything you do is a criticism of him and his values. You will never stop ‘owing him’. He'll never stop proving he's 'one up'.
Fight back.
May I steal that? ‘Inverted snobbery.’ Love that description!
I have people like your dad in my family.
Yeah, it was frustrating for a time. I became immune to it after awhile. So, if you were to ask me if I cared what they thought. I would have to say, no I don’t care what they think about my thoughts or actions.
Do I wish they acted differently? Of course I do, but for their sake more than mine.
Why? I hate to see people become alienated due to their behavior.
It’s sad, but I am not willing to take their problems on as my own.
Anytime I ever did that in the past I regretted it. I let go of it all.
It is their problem, it is their responsibility to correct it, if they choose to. If they are happy being miserable that is their choice and I have no power to change them.
l refuse to see myself as they see me.
They are not my mirror image any longer. I am much happier and at peace now.
I totally agree with Barb. There are people who like to argue as a hobby!
If someone says something totally idiotic to me I have been known to say something nonsensical in return.
Once my mom said, “Why did you say that? That makes no sense!” I told her using a very calm tone, “Mom, when you ask a dumb question, sometimes you will get a stupid answer in response. I was merely being facetious because you didn’t like my sensible answer.”
She was miffed but it stopped her questioning for a bit.
Oh, she knew when to pull this stuff. It would always be while driving her to her doctor appointments.
They are sneaky and know when they have you as a captive! Any other time, we can walk away. My mom can be very manipulative when she wants to be.
I started turning my radio on when taking her to the doctor. When she tried pulling her crap, I would calmly say, “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I am listening to my music.”
They can’t preach without an audience! Too bad it took me awhile to figure this out. I could have saved myself many, many headaches!
My Dad just loves that comedy about living in a hole in the road 😂 His family would pull that out to lighten the mood if anyone was being all 'woe is me'.
I do that! Hahaha 🤣. I have been that way since I was a kid.
My mom said that I was more interested in being outside than eating.
Those were pre video games and computer days! Kids actually played outside.
If I had a dollar for every time I jumped rope, rode my bike, climbed trees, rode my skateboard, etc. I would be rich!
I like food but I don’t eat a lot.
Amended...
‘I walked 5 miles to school through the snow, uphill both ways, with no shoes’.
I'm in bed already. Exhausted from an afternoon of it. He feels better now that he's purged his negativity all day. I on the other hand not so much.
We all need a shoulder to lean on from time to time.
If situations never change and a person doesn’t seem to hold themselves accountable for anything, it’s a problem. Then it is a pity party.
The type of person you just described is often referred to as an ‘energy vampire’ and they are extremely exhausting to be around and drain all of our energy.
Enjoy your rest. We all need time to recoup after being drained.
It's not a new problem. See also Hard Times (Josiah Bounderby), Framley Parsonage (Griselda Grantly). It isn't enough to remember where you came from, it's equally important to respect its worth and its values.
Having working-class roots is more likely to be a matter of pride these days – it is for me, for sure. Paul’s father isn’t showing much respect for working class ‘worth and values’. He rips off the NHS, and complains non-stop when anyone (including the doctor) doesn’t jump for him. He’s taken very little responsibility for his family, or even for himself. Paul’s temper is finally becoming a bit frayed (good!), but Paul has shown more respect for his father than vice versa. Give him a break!
She used to think going out for Xmas lunch was for the very rich or very lazy people. (Now she accepts a meal out is acceptable & enjoys skipping the cleanup).
What's the Xmas plan this year Paul? Has lockdown put a stop to extended family gatherings?
Traditions can change. Especially this year.
Lockdown or not, I think Dad's behavior (bad) had already settled that issue - aka he's not really welcome to spend the day, or less, with the family. He doesn't care for the kids, and just complains and/or criticises. I wouldn't invite him to my place either! Bring some gifts, maybe a food package, and a limited visit LATER after the kids are done with Xmas. Maybe even Xmas eve or the day after. Never invite the REAL Grinch to Xmas!!!
I'm proud to be from the Valleys. Proud of where I came from. BUT also proud that I managed to get out of there through hard work.
Thing is I have NEVER EVER let my Dad down. I've ALWAYS helped him whenever I can. In fact, it could be said I'd be perfectly fine to cut him off the trouble hes caused over the years - I almost got divorced because of him.
Remember CM - I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I was brought up by a single parent (Dad worked in a factory) on a rough council estate. Went to a very poor high school in a deprived area. The ONLY THING I HAD GOING FOR ME was a desire to get on and I did. My wife was also brought up on a council estate (different one) - her mum was a cleaner, her Dad a taxi driver.
Yes I earn about 3x times the average salary in the UK now. So what? I deserve it.
You're right. Thats Dad. He always says he hates people who don't do a proper days work who work in an office - ummm me.
Its amazing sometimes. Remember his idea about taxis? "not for people like us".
His current gripe is I take my little one for horse riding lessons - she loves it. I've hardly bought her a racehorse! He keeps going on about it! To be fair the poor thing (shes 7) cried and cried over the summer when she couldnt see friends and all her activities like gymnastics etc were cancelled. So its nice she can do something (alas her ice skating is still not open so we're doing horse riding for now instead).
His comment about me doing "On call" a few months ago spoke volumes. He used to be like "what? they pay you for staying home and doing nothing? Wish I'd had a job like that". BTW On call allowance isnt a huge amount.
A week or two later "Yeh I had to go into the office at 1am because I was on call and there was a big problem. Got home at 7am". "What? They made you go in all nighy? I wouldnt have done that in my job".
There we go Dad.....
ChrisCat - Welsh butti. Rugbys a working class game here!
Hes not mentioned Xmas day and I've not either. BUT, I won't be inviting him. Wife is working Boxing Day but I've booked a restaurant for the 2 of us like last year.
He'll be a nightmare and I've got a feeling hes going to say no. Hes got a habit of doing that "I've been stuck in the house for weeks". "OK Dad I'll take you out for a meal". "No I'll give it a miss".
Saying that MIL is still in hospital. Hopefully, she'll be out. Think shes learned a hard lesson about looking after yourself. One positive is that all my wifes siblings agree (for first time ever) that the onus is on her now to make an effort and not expect to be molly coddled by the kids.
Wife is planning to stay home for a while so she gets into the swing of things. I agree- if she comes to us she just switches off and lets everyone run around for her. Even then shes planning once a fortnight max
In fact, I worked in centre of gloucester for the council for almost 3 years. I think its knocked down - quayside building by the old prison.
655am train from newport every day. Not too bad but a long day.
Made some good friends in Gloucester. I especially enjoyed going to work after Wales beat England at rugby!