Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Oh yes I wont tell him about the holiday until a few weeks before. Remember last year - I had the "I can;'t believe you're wasting money on another holiday", lol
Not really - you have done a lot for him and offer to do more, but he refuses a lot of it and then has the nerve to complain about it. Our mother was on her on up to early 90's, only rarely asked for help with anything. When dementia kicked in, a little more, but not like your dad. We were not there every week or even every other (like for you, it is a long drive to get where she was living.) When we took the car away, visits to help with groceries were a must. I did try the delivery method once, but it would have been difficult to continue since she wasn't cooking at that point and relying on frozen dinners - don't want that sitting out! I also made extra meals and froze them so her frozen dinners would be better quality, but that was taking too much of my time to ensure she had enough meals. Even then she really didn't bug us to do this and that.
"...in florida end aug/sep. Havent told dad yet- it'll mean weeks of bad mood from him..."
Although the expression is for something else, it applies here too - Don't ask Don't tell!!! What he doesn't know about he can't complain about or change moods. Last minute he gets to know, if at all... So long as his REAL needs are covered before you go, all is good, for you!
You're both right - most of it is done by his wife. He does pop up on the odd Saturday am but its easy enough, 5 mins drive.
Of course, its easy for him to get others to do it. I get the impression his wife is pushing back a little (her father is ill I believe) so brother has got the attitude well why doesnt your wife do what mine does? Its bizarre.
Brother is a very good liar too. He does not go out of his way for Dad. He lies and tells him hes working. Dad relates to manual work so hes like "oh hes working so hard". Me - its like "blah you're sitting in an office".
This weekend Dad tells me hes working 12 hour shifts all weekend - not according to what hes put on facebook lol. But Dad refuses to believe it.
Remember boxing day when he was supposed to be 200 miles away and I saw him in his flat? Never believed it - must have been someone else I saw.
One theory - Dad has got money. Brother know this too. Brother lives in flat he rents - Dad has got a nice (well before dad wrecked it). Hes got his eye on it.
Theres going to be trouble when Dad goes. Brother assumes he gets the flat to live in for free.
Different world those pair live in....
Paul will need to confirm this sense that I am getting about bro. I don't think he gives a rats patootie about dad either, he is a chip off the old block and demanding everyone else do this that and the other for dad because dad says he needs it!
I understand your reason. You're a decent and good man. You do right by dad within your ability. Your brother is a far cry from decency and good. So, I don't understand his motivation. Do you?
Thing is I KNOW he lies to Dad a LOT. Up to him I don't care but hes a hypocrite.
I KNOW he was home xmas day and lied to Dad, made up some story about visiting a friend in north wales. I know Dads a nightmare and I didnt have him Xmas day either but it annoys me he preaches to me then does this.
He'll be with them for a few years, have kids. Then he moves on and leaves his old life behind.
The kid is an independent thinker! Good for him. Smart teacher too.
My youngest daughter was that way. Extremely independent. Used to drive me crazy until I realized that those qualities would serve her well one day. As a young woman she is still fiercely independent.
I decided that I would not break my child’s spirit. She was a nonconformist! So glad that I recognized that she marched to her own beat and it has served her well. She’s a leader, not a follower and I am very proud of her.
When HE wants time off Dad-duty he directs his casual backups to step to it (you & your Mrs).
Crazy? Yep. Bully-Boss-Bro seems to think he has the power to direct your time, priorities & family too.
I saw a 5 year old in my son's class say this to his Teacher "I know you told me to clean up my desk, and you like it neat, but I am a separate person to you & I like my desk this way". Teacher (frustrated!) but accepted this little kid's right to organise his own life.
What's mine. What's yours. That kid got it but many many adults haven't!
Like I said, your brother is similar to mine. My brother is on wife number four! The other three left him because he’s an old fashioned, controlling jerk.
My brother’s sons are nothing like their dad. If they needed to speak to a parent about anything they went to their mom.
My brother was too busy chasing women to be bothered with his kids.
When my daddy was dying in the hospital my a**hole brother was flirting with the nurse in front of his wife!
You have the right attitude about your brother and his wife. I feel the same way about mine. They are the ones that wrecked the relationship, right? It amazes me that family members think they can treat us badly and think we should succumb to their bullying. Nope! Not happening. If they don’t want backlash then they shouldn’t dish out their crap!
Hes got three kids. Two from one relationship - never sees them, can't be bothered.
Another kid from his last relationship. Again, doesn't bother. This is also the one where Social services contacted him 6 months and wanted him to take temporary care (mother has problems) and he said "no put her in a children's home I'm too busy".
You can imagine how mad my wife gets when she gets messages from him telling her shes "selfish" and "horrible" because she refuses to help out with Dad when HE wants her to!!
Its crazy isnt it?
- I live 20+ miles away - he lives a mile away from Dad.
- I've got kids (a 6 year old and a 16 year old ASD teen) - hes got no kids (that live with him or he sees)
- My wife has Fibromyalgia and, with everything, struggles to work part time. His wife does not work.
So, with the best will in the world, its going to be different.
I've tried to have a chat with him. Explain the things I've got going on. His attitude is "his wife finds time to visit our dad" so my wife needs to find time to visit on her days off. And "his wifes got her own Dad to look after too" and it gets into a contest. He does not get that each of us is free to contrib what we want and can.
Many times I've had texts/calls (until I blocked him!) saying he wasnt visiting Dad on saturday and, between us, my wife and I would have to take over. Many times I've asked him not to contact or involve my wife but the comments and abuse continued.
If I put something on facebook, like a family day out, he'd add a comment like "not got time to visit our dad then have you?" Like I said hes now blocked it got a bit silly.
I dont care. He can do one (as they say in the uk). The less I hear from him the better to be honest.
It would be great if you could have a chat & see each other's point of view. Basically, Bro doesn't seem to 'see' Dad's life is his own responsibility. So when too much is pushed onto him, he pushes it over to you. Is he of the opinion wives must do the care stuff (being female & all) too?
I think what IS great though is you NOT pushing this onto your wife - being a good team there.
I felt a bit of resentment that my Sister didn't help more. Completly no hands on stuff, selectively deaf to requests & predictive text replies when asked for opinions: *interesting* being top favorite. Ghosts & grey rocks me but not nasty or abusive. So when the time comes for real action - family members left uncollected in hospital, dept of health involved, Guardianship applications etc - she will not be consulted. It's a shame. It could have brought us closer... will probably go even lower contact than now. Same for your brother. Shame.
I have brothers like yours. They are ‘know it alls’ who actually don’t have a clue! My mom always thought they were wonderful. My mom and brothers constantly talked about me and told me that I was wrong about this and that. My mom’s nurses and doctors told me what I great job that I was doing. Mom got upset because she couldn’t get her way all of the time after I started setting boundaries.
I heard constant criticism while I was the one doing the most because mom lived in my home. Even before she moved in I was always the child most involved with my parents. Mom moved in with me a few years after daddy died. Hurricane Katrina destroyed her home.
My point though is, my mom and brothers pushed me too far. I ended up telling them if they were dissatisfied with my care then my brother could take over and after 15 years of her living in my home, I asked her to leave.
It was emotionally exhausting for me. I love and miss my mom but I simply could not endure the nightmare anymore. My brothers, well, let’s just say we were never close. We are very different people. In my case, the kindest thing they can do for me now is to leave me alone and allow me to live in peace. I have my brothers phone numbers blocked. So, now my brother and SIL are dealing with all of it. My brother is on wife number four! All of his other wives left him.
I totally get that you have to back off from your family to have peace in your life, Paul. Take care.
In fact, after a few incidents where I got abusive messages I've now blocked him on facebook and blocked his mobile.
I asked Dad NOT to involve him in things but he ignored that (probably because he thinks it works) I asked brother NOT to involve my wife and brother ignored that too. (As I said for some reason he seems to think our Dad is my wifes responsibilty too)
It was awful last 6 months. If Dad had a problem he'd automatically go to brother telling tales. Brother would contact me I'd ignore him. Then he'd get abusive. If this didn't work he then messages my wife and was abusive to her too.
1. Not your prob
2. Let Mr & Mrs Mollycoddle do their way. You do your way. End of. Their upset is their problem.
3. See no 1
4. See no 2
Explain to your brother & wife that as you are different people, you all have different work & family commitments so of course the assistance you offer will differ too.
If we were all the same, we'd all order the fried fish. (Our family orders one burger, one grilled flake, one fried whiting & one veggie burger). Your brother getting nasty is like if I got angry that my daughter won't eat the fish I want her to eat when she is now vegetarian. (You can tell I'm hungry he he). He is angry because you won't do what he wants. Too bad. You get a choice too!
Wow $400 a ticket! Thats not cheap lol.
Rugby is the national sport in Wales. 6 Nations championship every February. As long as we beat England....... ;-)
p.s. Florida in August again for us. Orlando/WDW again! Daughter who'll be 7 - it'll be here 7th visit......