Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
"Paul - I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you told your dad you would arrange for him to go to a home. I bet the look on his face was priceless. Haha."
Yes, priceless! Too bad you didn't get a picture of his reaction....
Not much different here, except that there are those who are the children who lambaste others on this forum for not toeing that line. So, it isn't just the "older" generation who thinks like that.
It is one thing to take in a parent who needs assistance and is "reasonable." It is another when they really don't need that help or are overly cantankerous and won't take any hints about changing. My mother and her sisters' families took turns caring for their mother. She was easy going and easy to care for, In cases like that, yes, do what you can. My mother? There are many reasons, some physical (both inability to support her weight and her inability to do stairs, no way to handicap this house, etc) and some not physical, that I can't do that for her. She has dementia, is now 96 going on 2 (sometimes), outweighs me, refusing to stand/walk now, so there is no way that I could care for her. I have enough trouble caring for myself!
It all depends on the situation and one's capabilities. There is no cut black/white on this issue. In your case, it would be a huge mistake to take him in. Don't let what others say or think bother you. It is NONE of their business.
Your information about NHS paying/checking is not much different than here. I'm no expert, so the following is all based on what I have read/learned.
In the US, for the most part for Assisted Living and Memory Care you are pretty much on your own. There are maybe a few that Medicaid will cover, but it depends on each state's rules and income levels (which are ridiculously low in most cases.) Nursing home, which many on this forum suggest, is for those who need specialized nursing care and they will assess (maybe if you self-pay and are wealthy they'd let you in!), so it also isn't an option for many. Your dad wouldn't qualify, nor would my mother, at this time. We haven't gone the Medicaid route, but from everything I have read about it, the restrictions and hoops/hurdles are difficult to maneuver through.
I can't say for sure what the asset level is for all states, but I believe it is 2k for the person. If there is a spouse, there are some exclusions for them, to help ensure they are not impoverished, but certainly not 25k for the person in question (dollars or whatever), it is a very low Iimit. If there is a house, they will put a lien on it and get as much spent on the person back as possible after death.
Checking for transfer of assets - a few weeks ago??? HAHAHAHAHA - the look-back is FIVE YEARS here in the US. Again, haven't had to go down this rabbit hole, but it sounds like they will use a scope to ensure a nickel hasn't been spent on something or given away!
A lot of the older generation there have the idea that "your kids look after you", and "you go to a home to die". Its considered shameful (in some eyes) that you've put your parent away in a home. Nuts aint it?
You offer to set stuff up and that's it.
"No dad, I cant do that. I have my wife and kids to look after." "No dad, I choose not to do that. We all make out choices, don't we?"
Of course, you have to not care what he or your brother think. Try not to let their bad opinion bother you.
Not getting what you want from medical people or your sons - self-injure to get admitted to hospital. Done that a few times.
Make out your dying - done that a few times.
Hes already said a few times that "he doesn't see the point in going on". Its getting there.
Over the years Dad has done MANY things that have been pretty awful. Hes been selfish, inconsiderate, the lot. As with you, he is completely disinterested in my kids.
For years, my wife put up with him. He came over every Xmas day. It was a nightmare. He made inappropriate comments, he commented on things that were none of his business, he generally acted like he was the important one. I tried to have a chat with him and his attitude was generally "well I'm old, if I've got something to say I've got say it".
My wife and I argued over it a bit but to be fair she put up with him and was polite to him. It ruined Xmas for me.
A few years ago he really was in a mood. Made out he was ill. Moaned the whole time. (Ate all his dinner though!). When I took him home he tried to say "he wasn't going to make it through the holidays". Wanted to call an ambulance. Stupidly, I stayed for hours talking to him. All the time my kids were waiting for Daddy to come home to play with their new toys. I got home at 9pm...
That was the final straw. No more Xmas day. Last year I told him my wife was working (shes a nurse) and he could come boxing day (she was working so didnt see him).
I'm going to so the same this year. Hes not going to like it.
I can't expect my wife to put up with him any more. Hes my Dad and thats it but to be honest, if he was not, theres a phrase I'd used to describe him "a completly selfish ahole".
Of course, recently hes realised that wife no longer has contact with him and he doesnt like it one bit. Neither does brother who thinks she should be helping. I don't get it - its her choice after all. Remember this birthday when he tried to get me to force her to ring him?
So now they've both realised shes not interested and are trying to drag her back in its crazy.
Yep so 100% behind my wife and her decision. She went years putting up with him for me and I appreciate that. Now that its gone too far I understand her choices of not having contact with him.
I said "up to you" and "so what exactly is the problem?"
"What are you struggling with that I haven't either helped with or sorted a solution?"
His answer "I can't carry shopping home". My head nearly popped. As I've said before, hes got a freezer 5% full deliberately, and hes turned down my offer of home delivery about 10 times. Oh and he gets meals on wheels 5 times a week and could have 7 but "it gets a bit expensive at £3-60 a day". Give me strength.
If you decide to go yourself, pretty much you've got to pay until your assets are less than something like £25K. Including house. They'll take it off you in trust until you die too.
And they're very hot on "disposal of income". They check if you've transferred £50K out a few weeks ago.
I totally agree with your view. Amazing, right?
He thought he could use that line to manipulate you and get you back under his control. Just wait. The next thing he'll use is the "I'm gonna kill myself" line. Just wait for it. Think of a good come back line when he does use it on you.
Good to see you back, Paul.
My mom no longer lives in my home because I could no longer do everything she desired or needed for that matter. I did it for over 14 years. It finally broke me into a million pieces. I suffer with depression still even though my caregiving days are over.
I support you 100 percent for your views on your dad and your wife. Especially with your wife. My FIL was not good to me. The relationship was fine for a long time. After my MIL died, that all changed and he was awful to me.
I told my husband that I understood if he wanted a relationship with his dad but he doesn’t want it. It bothered him terribly that his father mistreated me.
It cost him. He no longer has my husband or me. My FIL is living in an assisted living facility. My husband understands that I am not interested in a relationship with him. He threw away our children, like yesterday’s garbage, his grandchildren. That hurt them and us. He brought on his own consequences. My children never blamed us for his actions. They were upset at first about being rejected from him but have moved past it and are well adjusted young women.
As a wife, I want to thank you for understanding how your wife feels. You’re a good husband to respect her feelings. She is blessed to have a husband like you.
I'm hoping one of out UK folks here will chime in with what the assessment process looks like over there.
Glad to see you back.
Got to be kidding me. Never happening in a million years.
Why should she after the way hes treated her? Even if he did need her help - he doesn't.
So now hes playing the "well I'll have to go into a home if no-one will help me" card. Excellent I said I'll arrange it. He didn't expect that.
But honestly, what would you all say the criteria for not being able to look after yourself is?
- Food. He can cook, he gets meals on wheels weekdays (declines weekends).
- Shopping. He doesn't need much because of the above. I've offered home delivery for when I can't go - he refuses this.
- Washing/Toilet - I already sorted a converted shower, stair lift - no problems there.
- Cleaning - I already sorted someone to clean the flat once a week.
- Getting around - He can walk fine in his flat. He can walk to shops 1/2 mile away. Hes got a mobility scooter- he cant be bothered.
Sorry but the only NEED I can see that Dad is thinking of needing someone to run around and do what he says.
No response, aka the gray rock. Maybe he just enjoys seeing you riled up. The more he asks anything, the longer between contacts. He brings up topics, such as your wife, disconnect/walk away. It is difficult not to defend someone you care for when they are being disparaged, but it is a battle you will never win. Ignore as best you can, chalk it up to his normal behavior and move on. You know he is never going to change, only you can change your response to any of it. Clearly even ignoring it doesn't change it, so less contact, and just let his blah blah blah go on, knowing full well it is all BS.
My mom scored 15/15 on a mini mental until just a few months before her death. She had vascular dementia and had zero reasoning ability, no sequencing skills and no ability to perform ADLs. Her memory was pretty much intact. It takes a neurocognitive evaluation to uncover the subtleties of loss of reasonin and cause and effect abilities.
A GP is not qualified to say he doesn't have a personality disorder.
Anyway, if his GP says he's fine, then you shouldn't have to do anything for him, should you? People who are fine can figure out how to get what they need on their own.
Cut off contact with him then. If he's really "desperate" for food, he'll eventually have to spend money to get someone to bring it.
HE isnt going to change, Paul. Stop expecting that to happen.
If that doesn't work, say "dad, I'll be back when you're feeling better". Attach no emotion. Just grey rock. And leave.
A few days later same again. "Im not happy she still hasnt phoned me"
Try instead, not responding, not engaging.
Hes brought this up three times now. Its getting to the point where I'm going to have to get nasty with him and tell him whats what.
I'd rather not list the things hes done and reasons why my wife doesnt want to bother but I feel hes forcing me down that route.
Same with the comments thing. I've asked him nicely as I can to please not comment on issues that do not affect him and are, not really something he needs to be involved in (i.e. my choice of holiday). BUT HE STILL DOES IT ALL THE TIME.
Im going to have to say "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS" which, I know, is going to upset him.
Oh and he actually said "Its ok its not your fault its her!" Are you kidding me? We've been married 23 years - I am not going to stand by and let him criticise my wife like this.
Id tell him straight up. NOOOOO.
And when he says you are greedy for going on vacation. Say yes I am. And I'm turning my phone off too.
You can't reason with it. You can ignore it or laugh at it. But don't engage. Are you familiar with "Grey Rock" technique?