Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Paul, suppose you do get called out from Friday night to Monday morning. Your father won't starve. You know he won't starve. HE knows he won't starve. Heavens! - even if the huskies can't get through and there literally is no food in the house, nor in any of the shops and takeaways and pizza delivery companies in the area, and he didn't eat all weekend, he would still not starve. He'd get jolly peckish, but he'd be fine.
So this "you've got to come, cancel everything else, the cupboard is bare" riff is just that. It's a riff. It isn't a real conversation.
The element that is real is that he would like some attention. And given that it is Father's Day, whatever one might think about cynical marketing ploys, it's not unreasonable on this occasion to think that you might perhaps want to set some time aside for him.
Of course I understand that you'd be a lot more disposed to want to if he didn't give you earache all week. And you'd have thought that he might realise that, too. But you know he doesn't realise that. He thinks nagging works better.
How likely, in percentage terms, is it that you will get down there at the weekend?
Spoke to him last weekend.
"Are you coming up next weekend? I hope you can, its fathers day and I've got no food"
"Yes Dad I plan to. I am on call though so I will have to confirm with you on the day".
Tuesday
"I really hope you can come Sunday. I've got no food and xyz (brothers GF) is ill this week" (saw pics on facebook of two large beer sessions but there we go!"
"Yes Dad, we already discussed this but remember I'm on call"
"Can't you cancel on call?"
"No Dad"
Wednesday
"Im really going to be stuck if you don't come Sunday. I've been stuck in all week so you'll have to take me out too. If you don't come I wont have any food. You'll have to come even if you're on call".
(more lies hes had meals on wheels all week, I know hes been out and I know brother has done shopping for him".
Got to admit I exploded this time. Had enough of the constant badgering and guilt-tripping.... Its all the time now. He'll mention something 50 times if he thinks he get it to sink in even more.
In the end I told him, that for about the 5th time, I plan to come but I'm on call. It is out of my hands what happens. If I'm up all night or in the middle of a call out, I won't be coming - end off. I also said, I've mentioned home delivery about 10 times - if he chooses not to accept this then he can **** well starve......
Hes not happy....
Not sure if I have the patience or energy to continue like this..... It is sort of working with the NO thing but he just won't give up. Please tell me he will stop soon....
Of course that did cross my mind. Hes since told me hes "disappointed" I didn't take him out last weekend. I do wonder if hes thinking - hang on if 2nd son takes on his own kids thats another son who might be deflected from focusing on him 100%.
A nac is a narc is a narc
But I know what you mean! Hes no way the world worst Dad of course hes not.
Know what you mean about my niece. I was wondering that too to be honest....
Nah don't think Dad thinks that. Hes is honestly just doing his usual attitude to kids.
He had his good points when I was a kid. Not for lack of effort at times with my Dad he was good but, looking back, he was just so stubborn and set in his ways. Heart was in the right place.
One thing he always pushed me in school. So to be fair, I went from rough council estate, rubbish high school, to degree, to running my own successful business...
BUT I have had my own "issues" over the years with things like depression/anxiety. I do always wonder how things when I was a kid have affected me.
Not necessarily with a good grace! And not necessarily as World's Best Dad. But nobody would even have been *surprised* if he'd said sod this and bolted.
With your poor little niece, there is an argument that the care system - sheesh - might be a better bet for her. At its best, it could give her security and stability much better than she's had so far; and it's got to be preferable to landing her in a household where she's overtly unwanted. It just crosses my mind to wonder if your Dad wonders, ever, if it might have been better all round for all of you, too. Maybe he doesn't think he made much of a job of it.
Try telling him that 'good enough' is good enough, some time.
I still don't understand how he tells my brother not to do it and to put his own child into care now though. Its a whole lot easier now and brother has a partner to help him.
I just think he was given no choice at all back then, thats all.
He got your clothes seen to - he did walk round to his mum's after all, instead of down to the pub or the club. He presumably opened a can of beans nightly and put fish fingers under the grill. Day in, day out. If nowadays he thinks anybody must be a mug to volunteer for this, are you going to tell him he's wrong?
Or would it have been better if he'd had you taken into care?
In a way, the more slapdash the job he made of parenting, the more credit it is to you that you've left it behind and - even more important - broken the pattern.
But speaking of patterns. If he ploughed on grudgingly with a job only because it was too painful and difficult for him to say no... Who does that remind you of?!
He deffo didn't wash our clothes (remember his attitude to washing machines). He'd fill a suitcase, walk a mile or so with us on a sunday over to his mothers (my grans) who'd do all the washing then he'd carry it home.
I hear what you're saying, of course, I don't know the full story. She has family in the UK so could have come home at the same time but, apparently, did not want to.
But I can't see my Dad doing all of this willingly - at some point he would have been made to do this somehow. This was 1972 - not the the thing to be a single dad in those days.... I can tell you now first thing in Dad mind would have been - "Its not right a man bringing up kids".
This is the guy who won't use a washing machine because "its womens work", thinks it inappropriate to share a house with someone of the opposite sex (i.e. house mate) etc. This is the guy who last week, advised my brother his daughter would have to go into care because "you can't help look after her you've got work".
Taking on parental responsibility - I'd put my house on him not doing that willingly.
Probably if he just limited his behaviour I'd be silly enough to let him get away with it.
She might not have had $ to take him to court to fight for custody. Might not have had $ to get an apartment, let alone pay for food for kids. Maybe she thought he had more $ to care for you. Or he told her she'll never get/see the kids. Can only leave with shirt on your back? Cant get alimony if in another country. Harder to get child custody.
She might have thought yor dad would turn you against her. Hes a narc. Do you think a narc would leave no stone unturned to win?
I think now women can go to a lawyer if they need help. A sliding scale. Probably wasnt resources for her to turn to, as there are today.
Worth it to hear the aunt's side of story.
NO is a complete sentence. Then remind yourself to be silent after saying no. That way your not caught off guard. Also remind yourself to give him 1 warning. Im hanging up now when he or brother says something rediculious. Also remember when his antics dont work he gets brother to manipulate for him.
Screen calls. They need to leave message. Dont return call without knowing what they want. Put it off till when its convenient FOR YOU. Your still jumping thru hoops via answering the phone. Stop that. Good luck
If brother says dad told me you did this -- dont dignify it with an answer. It just draws you back in to the whole narc guilt and gaslighting. Trying to explaine/convince what really happened. NO!!!! Just say I wont dignify that with an answer. You know dad. Then walk away. Let brother think what he wants. Hes not you judge or jury. He doesnt get to judge your actions. It prob wouldnt end in your favor anyway. Just add another layer of guilt. Thats his way of manipulation.
If you stock the pantry whats dad going to do? Throw all the food out? Doubtful. Grumble? Definitely, but just say you start that, and I walk out. Then do it.
Your not being mean. Your establishing NORMAL boundries that have been ignored for decades. If he throws a tantrum walk away. Your the adult and hes the child throwing a tantrum. You wouldnt tolerate being emotionally blackmailed by your child. Hes no different.
Sure it will guilt you, but its a muscle that hasnt been exercised in a long time. It gets easier as time goes on. You can even say I love you, but Im not doing that. Good job!!! 👍👍👍🏅
To be honest, the conversation we had about my brother and kids sort of made me realise. He's my Dad but we're different people and he is an A@se. If he doesn't like the way I do things he can do one....
Yes she does ice hockey as well. Even more expensive!!!! (bought a lot of that stuff 2nd hand though).
I'm sorry I'm not willing to tell a 6 year old they can't do something I'd promised to do with them just because my Dad decides he wants someone to boss around. 90% of the time its this to be honest with him.
I've also decided I'm not running around doing pointless things just because he likes it that way.
No more unnecessary shopping trips (which is you remember are over an hour round trip drive for me) unless I'm going there anyway. If its an emergency he can accept delivery or starve....
Same with the health thing. He listens to the health professionals and what they advise him. If he won't listen then its not my job to sort it out. If he moans then I'm not getting involved.
Hardest one for me. I am NOT getting into conversations about my life. For too long he's had this idea that he can have an opinion on EVERYTHING, my relationship, my kids, my finances. No more. He'll be getting one warning to mind his own business then I'll be leaving/putting the phone down.
You stood your ground and didn't budge.
You kept it on your terms.
You stayed calm and didn't argue with him.
You didn't give explanations or justifications for why you couldn't comply.
You distracted him by changing the subject.
You realized dad is an _ss,
You ignored enabling brother's call.
Most important, you got your priorities straight. You were there for your daughter and wife. You're a good dad and husband.
Ten points for each category. ;D
p.s. My daughter was also into ice skating a few years ago. Now she's into gymnastics and contortion and dance. Next year, she wants to take up acrobatics. Those classes aren't cheap. My husband said the reason he cried when the kids were born was because he knew his money was leaving his wallet. Haha.
Dad is not happy. Rang me again today at 10am (I'm in work can't it wait?).....
Just to remind me that its Fathers Day next sunday and I really ought to visit him.....
Jeez. I planned to anyway but to be told whats "expected" of me really gets my goat....
How was the party? Are you still deaf??? [remembering the pitch and volume of excited six year old girls in an enclosed space]
It was my little girls bday party on sunday - dad knew this. I'm at the ice rink 745am every sunday for training (shes well into ice skating) This week we'd tagged her party onto the so pretty much all day I was there.
10am Dads ringing. Always a bad sign when he rings early in the day.
"Are you coming up to see me today, I want to go out for a ride in the car?". "No dad".
"Why not? I want to go out I've been stuck in all week". (No he hasn't I've seen pics of him out to lunch with my brother 2 days ago).
"No I'm busy".
"You're at her party aren't you?"
"Yes dad". (So he does remember that I've got something on today. Annoys me how he refers to my kids, his grandchildren!!!).
"Well, I tell you what, let you're wife deal with that and you can come to see me". (What a thing to say - I've got to miss my own 6 year old daughters party because he demands a visit. Also, my wife (the devil) now has no name it seems).
"No Dad. Did you see the cricket score the other day?" (Changing the subject seems to work - yay !!!!)
Doing OK. Not so wound up as before. I'm getting my head around it a bit. I've come to realise that even though hes my Dad, and I love him, he is actually a complete a@hole. So I'm not making excuses anymore - it is what it is and if he doesnt like the deal....
Still didnt stop him speaking to my dear brother who a few hours later text me with his opinion on how I should take him out like he does as well.. Ignored that completely. I'll block his number if he carries on...
A guess for what it’s worth – your father was a pain in the but, and your mother found someone else who was more attractive. He tried to blackmail her by keeping the kids, and then learned to love the adulation he got for being such a great father. Perhaps other women rushed to help. Your mother has always felt guilty about what happened. My suggestion is that if you do contact her, offer her some sympathy and ask for some yourself. It would be a good way to try to get to know her, better than just asking questions. Learning the other side of family stories is always interesting, if upsetting, but finding a mother is more important, probably for both of you. And it’s a practical way to make at least some change in a situation that goes on and on and on for you.
Best wishes, Margaret
But I'm getting to the point where I do sort of KNOW that there is something else to the whole story. There just has to be based on the way he sees the world to be honest.
At the moment, Dad, I think, relies a lot on this "well I brought you up on my own when you were little so you owe me". He hasn't said it outright but I can tell. (Brother has said this MANY times!).
I try not to feel guilty but I do when I push him away at the moment. If I had confirmation that hes not exactly been truthful all these years then it would help me to put things into perspective.
Would it ruin our relationship? Probably. But its been ruined anyway last few years to be honest, as its become more and more apparent of how he thinks and what he will do.