Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
To you, it feels like control, a pity party and the like.
That's what my brother said about our mom.
To make a very long story short, after a full on neuropsych workup, it turns out she'd had a strong. And qualified for a dx of Mild Cognitive Impairment. Meaning that she could reason her way out of a paper bag. Had no sense of proportion. Anything less than 10 years worth of food, 2 decades worth of toothpaste and toilet paper and a century of cash on hand was a national emergency.
Oh, and the loss of sense of time! 5 minutes meant I was bound and gagged somewhere.
Life improved amazingly once we knew all this and got her on meds.
xyz - usual things like I've got no food in the house (he has plenty), I need you to get some money for me (hes got thousands in the house). All normal scams to force me to visit.
To be honest, I probably would have popped in at some point anyway. That's what he fails to understand. It puts me off going now though because I know he'll be off on one.
Now I won't bother because he wants me to commit to visiting at x time on x day and he'll scam me this way to make sure it happens. Past experience has shown that the world could be ending in three days but I'd have to be there at the agreed time.
If I'm 5 mins late I get a phone call with him telling me hes worried about me because he thought something had happened to me! He always does this - its like his way to control me.
Did it the weekend - I'd gone into marks and spencers to sort his clothes and left him in the car. I was quick probably 10 mins. Not quick enough for Dad who feigned a panic attack that something had happened to me.
Don't see many people getting mugged or kidnapped in M&S in leafy hampshire on a good friday morning but there we go!
Count your blessings.
What were the xyz or will I be sorry I asked?
Called the doc who again refused to come out.....
Hes wanting me to commit to doing xyz for him the weekend and I've said no.
To be honest, I've got loads on at the moment - wife has broken her wrist, shes got possible pneumonia (ended up is hospital last sunday), someones got to look after the kids. And I'm on call with work and my car has died so at some point I need to buy a car!
Dad knows all this but as usual its all about what he wants. Hes not speaking to me now because I said no I can't commit to anything at the weekend because of this.
BUT he doesn't help himself and pushes back. It all revolves around not spending any money if he can help it. Like I said, he was willing to wear pee-stained trousers rather than buy a new car, and also willing to sit in wet trousers rather than buy the pull-ups.
I insisted he got them of course so he had no choice.
Dunno if its an age thing too but his levels of cleanliness/hygiene are not great all. Pretty common though, especially with old men, so my wife tells me (shes a district nurse)
Such a pain in the doctor’s office when she has to go, which she can’t help, I understand but then they call her name and she gets upset that she has to wait longer.
Get the adult protection and insists that he wear them. I am glad I did that with my mom. Did he enjoy most of the trip? I said a prayer that you wouldn’t lose your mind! LOL
Lets just say I insisted we go into the supermarket and buy some pants. Not happy he wasn't to spend the £5.
Funny you should mention the other P bodily function. Hes a sod for not wasting things as he says. He will not throw food out EVER. I'd bought pasties for us on the friday morning. He ate half and kept half. He was planning to eat it Saturday am (bear in mind how hot it had been and it had not been in a hot car for 24 hours let alone refridgerated!).
Lets just say I put a stop to that one. I pointed out we already had enough bodily fluids on the seats of the car without adding the brown and lumpy kind as well. ;-)
I pointed that that sort of stain would not be missed by the hire company and would end up with a charge equivalent to 100 pasties!
Sounds like hes being an adult child and going to lecture you if you like it or not. Id tell him have fun lecturing an empty room and walk out. Make visits brief and to the point, then leave.
Your no longer a child and have to tolerate it. Its abuse really.
Despite me telling him to take more, he did come for a night away with no spare shirts, no spare underwear, and, luckily, one spare pair of trousers. Thats Dad for you- clothes last days and days without washing. (It was very hot in the uk - record temps for easter -so I was glad he had to change lol!).
So, of course, we had to go and buy the full lot. He was not happy. I think he was planning to hang his trousers off the hotel balcony overnight (4* Hilton this was) because he kept saying "they'll be dry". (Ewww but dry pee instead!)
Also made him buy some incontinence pants before we travelled home. Sensible of course. Again he wasn't too keen because they cost money. He tried to say there was no need because we were heading home anyway i.e. If I pee I can sit here wet until we got home. Umm no thanks mate!
Pointed that if I got the car seats any wetter I'd have to pay to have them cleaned and it would cost loads!! He agreed then lol.
You didn't have an empty bottle handy?
Glad you had brilliant weather for the cricket, at least. And everyone home in one piece? - not counting the bill from the car hire company, of course.
He behaved ok to be honest. Made it a little hard work but we did have a few issues.
Lets just say his bladder is not what it was. Getting stuck in a jam didn't work out well. I think he was more unhappy about having to buy clothes (he brought NO spares at all - so his fault)
Luckily I had a hire car not my own car with leather seats! :-)
Told you that you would have enough material for a comedy act or a crazy reality television show!
What would be a good name for a senior citizen reality television show starring your dad as the lead ⭐️ Star?
Thinking about what I would name it for my mom. Haha
Since the more you try to convince him of your position, the more ammunition you give him to fire back at you, so perhaps it's best to just agree with him, go along, that way he can't lecture you (much) if you already on his side. Just a nod, or 'uh huh,' or 'right, dad' or something along those lines. Then try to tune out as much as you can. Easy said than done.
Anyhow, good luck. Let us know how you deal with him and if you are successful at not losing your marbles. :D
Anyway, I'm glad you still enjoy his company enough to want to take him out. And about that "expensive" sandwich. When he complains, suppose you tell him he's worth it? 😉
Nice article from AgingCare archives.
"1. Can't believe how much you spend on your kids....
2. When are you going to get a proper job with pension etc (I'm a successful IT consultant whos got his own business).
3. Whys your wife still working? In my day, the wife stayed home and looked after the house.
4. You need to give that boy of yours a clip around the head, dont listen to those doctors (Teenage son with behavioural problems whos got Aspergers)
5. I'm not paying £2 (About $2.70) for a sandwich! You must have more money than sense!"
"Quite why he feels the need to get involved all the time, be annoying and act like a complete d@ck I'll never know." Some people feel they have all the answers/opinions and only theirs is the correct one. Ignore and/or start another topic. However, you also mention:
"If hes got a point to make and you ignore him or change the subject he will literally keep going on it for HOURS and HOURS until he gets it in." Let him get his point in all he wants - just don't respond to whatever it is. Smile and nod.
"We often have arguments because he says "You know me, if I've got something to say I've got to say it". I always answer "You know me Dad, if its none of someone elses business I won't be listening"" Smile and nod. NO answer. It takes two to tango, two to play games and two to argue. Let him argue all he wants, just smile and nod. It will grate under your skin, but the more and longer you can maintain this stance, the easier it will get.
"EVERY year he moans that it costs more for two rooms and I have to say no. He'd sleep in a dormitory if it was cheaper." Although the smile and nod would work here too as you close his door, if you have to respond it is only to say it is not costing him a dime, then smile, nod and shut the door.
"It'll be entertaining. I can already predict a few things.
He'll want to eat in the cheapest place we can find in the evening. He won't eat during the day (will be at the cricket) because its too expensive.
Over the course of two days, I'll get a lecture about how I spend too much money, how I spend too much on the kids, and how I should buy a cheap car (mine is broke). (BTW - by cheap car he means £500)
He'll have me captive in the car for two hours on friday - I'll get the full works then ;-)"
At cricket, you know his likes/dislikes, don't ask if he wants anything, just go get it and put it in front of him. Any comments, take a bite of your own, smile and nod while you chew! Let him go on all he wants. Might be a waste of money if he doesn't eat it, but it's your money to waste. Munch away on your own and if need be shush him so you can watch the play! You can also excuse yourself, get up and go to the restroom mid-sentence/complaint.
For where to eat at night - you CAN say you hate the food at that cheap place, and you refuse to eat there. Otherwise, you're driving, he has no real choice. You go where you want. He complains, just Smile and nod.
Spending too much money? Smile and nod. If you must respond, just state you are not spending his money. Then smile and nod.
No response to pretty much ANY of these statements and complaints. Just nod, smile, nod. He cannot argue with someone who refuses to play the game!
Captive in the car? Every time he brings up one of these topics, smile and nod, ignore him and turn up the radio one tick. Eventually it will be so loud you won't hear him!!!! :-D
During your smiles and nods, just think of us - we're all there in spirit behind you!!!!
1. Can't believe how much you spend on your kids....
2. When are you going to get a proper job with pension etc (I'm a successful IT consultant whos got his own business).
3. Whys your wife still working? In my day, the wife stayed home and looked after the house.
4. You need to give that boy of yours a clip around the head, dont listen to those doctors (Teenage son with behavioural problems whos got Aspergers)
5. I'm not paying £2 (About $2.70) for a sandwich! You must have more money than sense!
And to make sure your balanced diet is *really* balanced, some genius came up with a second version, darker pink sweets with pink ears, and called them - da-da! - Reversy Percys.
Quite why he feels the need to get involved all the time, be annoying and act like a complete d@ck I'll never know.
If hes got a point to make and you ignore him or change the subject he will literally keep going on it for HOURS and HOURS until he gets it in.
We often have arguments because he says "You know me, if I've got something to say I've got to say it". I always answer "You know me Dad, if its none of someone elses business I won't be listening".
Paul, I can imagine how my brother would put your old Pop in his place when Pop asks these silly invasive questions. He'd glance right at him, raise an eyebrow as if to say, "are you serious???" Then he'd frown in bafflement, look away, shake his head in utter disbelief, and just look puzzled a moment. Then he'd change the subject. All this to say, "I can't believe you just asked me that. There must be something bad wrong with you. But since I'm far too polite to say so, I will just ignore that and move on to something more cheerful/ sensible/ interesting."
He has a great gift for this non-verbal put-down.. I've never known it to fail! In fact, growing up, he practiced it often on me and I eventually perfected it on my own kids.
I agree with what others are suggesting. Use humor to defuse the terror and resentment upon which this relationship has been built for a lifetime. Maybe keep a journal (keep it private!!!) So you can look back and a) laugh later, and b) mark your progress.
Someday these excursions may be memories you'll actually cherish! Are you taking pics of the two of you together? 😊😊👍
I do that all of the time. People can ask anything they want. We aren’t required to answer. They learn that we won’t answer, plus so satisfying to know that it drives them crazy while we remain calm. Love it!