Hubby had a major heart attack on Sunday. Has not felt well for MONTHS, but wouldn't address this with his doc--just said he was overwhelmed by work and super stressed out by life. He's a liver transplant patient, 12 years out. Beat HepC, a stroke, 84 weeks of chemotherapy, a motorcycle wreck that nearly killed him and several falls while rock climbing. So--a car with 9 lives. Race to the ER where they dx the heart attack and turf him to a hospital with a cath lab--he has 3 stents placed in the "widow maker" arteries...and this doc basically saved his life. Hospital for 2-1/2 days, they let him come home today, and he is being a royal butthead. I know his "sick man" routine and its awful, just awful. He is now back on the diabetic diet he should have stayed on post transplant--he's angry and depressed. I am the sole caregiver and although he'd been home less than 12 hours, he's already made me cry 3 times. I just put my foot down. He did not hear much of what the Drs said to him, so his "education" on how to care for himself is pretty much what I have been reading and doing. I can cook the diabetic diet, I have been pretty much for years. I can't control his eating, his sugar cravings, the lack of exercise or really, much of anything. I told him I will stock the cabinets and fridge with good food choices and he needs to learn how to count carbs (doesn't believe in them) and he HAS to get out of bed and start living. Probably his severe fatigue has been due to the failing heart. I'm not putting up with his poor pitiful me routine---my gosh--I've heard from 20 neighbors and friends so far who are praying for him and asking what they can do to help.... he is SO blessed and SO loved. My kids are great--but only 2 of them live close. They can only be supportive and loving--this man is smart and witty and brilliant--but he is also depressed, angry and panicky. Has to find a "reason" or "person" to blamed for everything goes south. He actually told the dr he was 70 lbs overweight b/c I am "too good" of a cook. Dr. didn't buy into that. I don't need recipes for better menus--I can do that in my sleep. I just need to vent as I have run the gamut of emotions the last 3 days from terror to relief to anger. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. And it is going to get MUCH worse before it's better. Just some kind supportive words, please. If you feel I'm a witch, which I am , keep it to yourself. This too shall pass---wow, life with this man has been eventful and scary.
Look, I'm as pi55ed as you are at your husband, wrote you a long post before (which I deleted) which was sort of " 50 way to leave your husband of 3 decades".
I did it, and we're both happier for it.
But right now, if he says he feels short of breath, I'd let the doc decide.
You are a very strong woman... Keep that strength up. The shortness of breath and weakness that your husband is having concerns me though. Has your husband been checked for fluid retention? This is a possibility since he is not staying active. If not make sure they check him for that.
Please take care and hang in there. Please keep us posted.
The only way Mom could get some peace and space was to make it for herself.
ER run last night, the shortness of breath was driving us both insane. I knew it was anxiety, but he was so frantic. Called my SIL (Dr. in VA) and asked him if it was worth a trip back to the ER just to get him checked out. He said "Yeah, just go and ask for these 3 tests. Tell them he has anxiety, as he won't and it will save a LOT of time if a dose of Ativan calms his breathing".
Off to the ER, after battling with me as to driving..he thinks he dying but he has to drive.
Got there, and EKG, a blood test for the enzymes and O sat check. I did step out I the hall and chat with the Doc. Told him he was deaf and he had to be making eye contact or DH doesn't hear him, and that he has been suffering from severe anxiety. Doc order .5 mg of Ativan, IV and within 10 minutes DH is sound asleep, breathing normally and normal Osats. No fluid in or around the lungs. Heart looked good. Blood test showed his heart is healing.
Got a scrip for Ativan and a reminder to make his FU apt with his cardiologist and we went home.
Hubby is so sensitive to benzos...1/2 a tiny dose and he'll sleep for 2 days.
Was he grateful to me for taking him to the ER? For getting to the pharmacy minutes before they closed? Was he thankful for my concern. No, he yelled at me b/c he wanted to go to an Asian Market to get his favorite tea. They were closed before we got there, of course, this was my fault.
Well, he got his meds, got him home and he fell to pieces. He actually cried, something I have NEVER seen him do. I just rubbed his back and told him it was going to be OK. Gave him his pm meds and tucked him up in bed. He slept all night. I checked on him 3xs.
Today he had to go see his psychiatrist. Absolutely refused to let me drive him, yet he can't walk 10 feet without sitting down, gasping. I finally said I was taking his car keys and he had to call an Uber. Then he said "Oh, *A* called and she said she'd be happy to take me". "Why couldn't you let me take you? A has such a busy life". "You are a lousy driver". BAM. Shut down.
Daughter did take him, and then took him to my other daughter's home to sleep all afternoon.
My son is driving in from Seattle--b/c he needs to SEE his dad, my daughter is driving from San Jose for the same reason. It's ridiculous and a phenomenal waste of their precious time--as he will simply sleep all weekend, but if they have to lay eyes on him, then ok. I told them he was miserable, grouchy and not in a mood for visitors and they still are coming.
This is the totally normal dynamic for us whenever he has an accident or surgery, or, well, anything serious. A run to the ER b/c he's dying. It's ALWAYS been a panic attack. I thought the kids were aware of that, but if they need to come here, they can. It's not what I want, but I will take full advantage of them and leave for a while.
Today was a pretty good day. I am going to pull back about 75%. He needs to start eating in the kitchen and not in bed. He needs to get up and walk. He needs to start choosing compliance. I have decided that if he is going to give up, then that's his choice.
I am understanding--to a fault in some cases. But he was pushing my last button weeks ago.....There's the option of sending him to Seattle to live with my son and his wife (who is also a Dr.) and let them deal with him. I'll give him a full month, but I can honestly say, I can see him literally sleeping for a month.
Overlong post--sorry, He's just being him. Somehow I had hoped he'd gain a little insight or humility, having walked that close to death, yet again. Nope.
I am going to call the cardio doc tomorrow for my own concerns. I wasn't ever at the hospital for rounds, as they do them at like 6:30 am. So I haven't spoken to him and I know DH didn't "get it".
Thanks again----I NEED this place to rant and rave.
What a mess. I hope you get some time away from it all when your kids get to town.
You said this is all the normal routine when something serious happens. Would it help if you let your kids know you had run out of patience with Hubs before this even happened?
Son arrived at 8 am this morning and started right in with the "chastising" of what I am cooking. (Just the rules from the dietician) Son had stopped in Boise for a chat with my niece who does diabetic support training as her profession. She is really on top of things. She is sending me a list of "yes" foods and "no" foods...the list the hospital sent is ages old and she says, pretty worthless. I don't know what to think. My table is covered with all the NO foods, right now.
Daughter arrived & left while I was at a wedding, so I haven't seen her. Hubby and son have gone somewhere, I don't know where. I am expecting a royal butt chewing from the kids as they do no think I take good enough care of their father when he's sick. They do NOT understand that he simply will not be compliant, and actually has to be plain mean to get me sad/angry enough to walk away and simply not talk to him. Which is what he wants.
Do I expect one OUNCE of support/sympathy/love from the kids? Probably best not to hope. We've been to this rodeo many times and most times it winds up with it being 6 to 1. Hubby states I am not helping him, kids get angry at me b/c they are scared of dad dying.
Nobody is answering my texts or phone calls, so I have no idea what's going on.
Had to wash all of DH's bedding, he had a bowel accident (metformin makes him have uncontrollable diarrhea) all over the bed and his underwear...and the bathroom. So gross. Did he thank me for cleaning this up? OF COURSE NOT!
I am hoping that the end result is he flies home with the kids and stays in Seattle for a couple of months. They'll take better care of him and somebody else can handle him. He'd turn himself inside out for out DIL--loves her so much.
Wish me luck.
You will be okay, and not take it personally? You know you had his back, you know you are there for him, and you know you did good.
Sorry that you have been a victim of "NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!"
Ahhh, maybe he should go.
Line up your finances now.
Start a support group for yourself at the nearest senior center right away.
It is not you, it is him!
I am sorry for the hurtful comments to you from your children. I think it would be very nice if they took their father for a while, so they could give him their superior caregiving (HA!).
And...when they are really sick of it and want to send him back....make up whatever line you think will stop them.
Meanwhile, make very sure your own financial situation is taken care of. Even if that means moving money out of a joint account. Kids might decide to bring in 24/7 paid care, which can easily run $500 a day! Using his money of course....not thinking it is your money too.
Hugs to you. Been following, but hadn’t chimed in yet.
So many trials for you two. As individuals, and as a couple.
I gotta say, you consistently handle “the devil you know” with a flinty resolve that a lot of us could not muster. Yet you are not heartless. Far from it!
Sending good vibes to you during this rough time. Keep your therapist on speed dial and hang in there! Be good to yourself. 💗
If they do, in fact, talk to you that way. You either raised them not to respect you or you like playing the victim.
Did not discuss the possibility of moving him. Not yet. IF he will be decent to me and NOT snark and fuss at me, we have a chance, but I am so done with the babyish whiny behavior.
He has yet to make a single follow up visit to anything, and tomorrow is Sat., so nothing will happen in that regard. Son and daughter will force march him on a couple of walks tomorrow. I am hoping that as all the drugs he got in the hospital for sedation begin to clear from his system, he'll begin to feel much better.
Still on high alert for the coming criticism. Already got one over having *gasp* carbs in the house....but I am not going to NOT eat cereal simply b/c my hubby cannot. Son told me I also need to lose weight, which I know, but it stings to hear him say it. About 30 lbs and I'll be OK, he says. His wife is a 90 lb Barbie Doll, and no human really looks like her. (A bit of plastic surgery has helped) Yet, to him, we all should. I told him my weight wasn't the issue here (having lost over 50 lbs in the last 2 years and kept it off!) and I am compliant with my Dr's plans.
So, in the end, I have to take the good with the bad. Son is irritable over a fight he and his wife had (she didn't want him to come, he came anyway)..and she won't talk to him. I hope they patch it up.
DH should be much better by Monday. He is severely depressed, but his psych doc would not give him anything for it--he's added 4 new meds to the regime this week and more would be dangerous. I'm hoping getting him out of bed helps.......if he doesn't get back to work next week, he'll have to apply for short term disability and the dr said that was crazy--he should be able to work NOW. (He's an engineer and it's all sedentary work).
My best guess, based on past experience is that he will simply chose to stay in bed and this will be his chosen life from now on. Not being negative, being 100% realistic.
If that's his choice, I will find a NH for him and live my life. I am not going to caregive 24/7 for someone who refuses to care for himself.
If the kids object to the NH, that's fine, they are welcome to come fetch him. By the way, perhaps you can make sure one of them is his MPOA for decisions if you move him to a kid's house. After all, if they have him in the house, they need to be the ones who can make his medical decisions.
Hang in there. You can always walk out the door and drive around the block for a while if he gets on your nerves. Give him something to think about and whine to his therapist about.
I'm going to give DH all the latitude I can...he IS up and doing things, where if I were here alone he would NOT be doing anything.
Oh, the NH or rehab facility is very much in the back of my mind. I honestly don't care if he wants to go. I'm just fried from all this (not just the heart attack but the previous 12 years of almost non stop caregiving for him and he has made such dumb choices in his life and has wound up bed bound several times through nothing but his own stupid choices).
I've always stated I would never divorce him, never....but now my kids are all adults....it's a different dynamic.
Mostly just going to take one day at a time. Next week when the kids are gone, if he is non compliant and mean, I will beg the cardiologist to put in a rest home for "rest". I bet he'd get his butt up pretty fast.
I'm very upset his psych doc did nothing for him---but I get that more meds at this time is not a good idea--but she seemed to not even care. A call is going to her on Monday--likely I am not on the "call" list...but my daughter is and I know she'd call.
Personally, I want to crawl in bed and sleep for a month.
I hate to say I’m glad DH is driving your son up the wall but I am. If for no other reason other than he can see what you are going thru.
I'm sorry that your kids don't see dad's issues. That may not happen until you separate. That was certainly the case in my former narriage.
My ex's wife knows not to be in the kitchen with him. She understands how to manage him and her own responses to him on ways that I couldn't have conceived of.
In the end, I encouraged/forced him to leave because I realized that staying together was dangerous.
That was pointed out to us by a psychiatrist. I was furious at her at the time, but she was right.
I still love him. We're both remarried, both happier. He's got aggressive prostate cancer right now. I keep in touch with him about treatment, etc.
Leaving DH, or forcing him into a care facility might be the kindest thing to do right now.
Your trying to prove how much you are caring for him feels very familiar to me. It's useless, in the end
Son and daughter arrived about the same time from CA and WA. They have had the "care of feeding of" dad since son got here. I cleaned out my fridge and cupboards, niece sent new dietary regulations and I slept about 15 hours yesterday. I KNOW son thinks I am not pulling my weight and I will have it out with him later about this.
Hubby just got on the scales. He has lost 12 lbs in a week. He is "saying" he;s going to be compliant. We shall see, He seems much more engaged. Son and daughter have dragged him from heck to breakfast. I think I will have daughter take him around the block while I go to church.
DH will NOT go to WA for rehab. We will talk and he HAS to promise me that he will continue to be compliant and KIND.
It's all up to him.
SO MANY THANKS to those of you who wrote and sent encouraging words. I'm truly w/o words at the support from the online community.
Son is still here, his wife drove down with the kids, so now he's essentially on vacation, so other than a phone call to chew me out for not getting his dad out of bed yesterday, I haven't seen or heard from him. Won't either, if his wife is around. Love her dearly, but son is totally in her clutches. I admire her for getting him to LISTEN and HEAR her..something I've never accomplished with my own hubby.
Hubby is malingering--he won't get out of bed. Just lays there and says he feels awful. Today we see the cardio doc, and tho I am not allowed to speak at the appt, I will be sure that the doc knows my hubby is NOT getting up. Son dragged him out of bed at 6 am and onto a golf cart, but he's not golfing, for sure.
As for me, I am staying as far away from DH as I can. I asked him to go to Costco with me and help me to know what he would eat.
I had never known before yesterday that he really does NOT like chicken. Great. I did manage to blow $200 on food for him, I forgot eggs and peppers---he got sick about 10 minutes into the trip and went to sit in the car) so I kind of hurried my shopping, and forgot a LOT of stuff. Running back today. I need to keep sliced, ready to eat peppers and carrots on hand for him. Also he needs to learn how to cook and how to figure out snacks. Right now he just lays in bed, waits for me to go in the kitchen and calls out "hey, if you're already in there, would you make me some eggs?"
Struggling with the new meds, depressed, angry and blaming me, although he's had it pointed out to him that I am NOT the one responsible for any of this.
Son will leave tomorrow night, after the fireworks. If DH will not be compliant in the physical rehab I will get in touch with his doc about placing him in an inpatient unit.
Trying to take care of myself and not let his mean comments hurt.
Yeah, no he promised he'd be kinder to me and that was a joke. I know that anger is the go-to emotion for him, but still. I'm sad, sore and tender. He's having a hard time and I total acknowledge that. But, I've been "caregiving him" for the last 13 years, and I'm tired.
I'm not sure how any of this ( getting out of beds, exercise, etc) is your responsibility/fault. Geez, your DH and kids sound A LOT like your MIL.
Hubby is doing VERY well, dr called him out a little about not getting out of bed and told him I WAS NOT HIS PERSONAL NURSE. That hurt (him) and dr. asked me what I was doing for him--DH tried to step all over that question, but I answered that in all fairness, I was doing 110% of the work. All he was doing was sleeping and bitching.
Dr. said "This is HIS life and he has to care about it. You can't make him do anything. In fact, he tried to blame your great cooking on his weight and inactivity, which I don't buy into for one second". Hubby was chastened, a lot. He had, in fact said that exact thing.
He is FINE. As fine as someone who SHOULD have died 10 days ago from a massive heart attack can be. Cleared him to go back to work (and was surprised he hadn't already gone back....cleared him to travel as soon as he has the exercise thing down and is losing weight, steadily. So--basically, back to the norm.
I didn't mind emptying the fridge and cupboards and replacing some stuff with other choices. It's better for me, too. BUT, I did tell him I was NOT going to be his short order cook, there would be times when I would eat things he can't have and he can figure out how to deal with that. Dr. agreed.
My SON was the one busting my chops about not being able to get his dad out of bed. I will not ever try to pull him into any kind of activity again. My stress level is as high as it can go and after a phone consult with my psych doc, I was told to take 3 giant steps backwards and let hubby sink or swim on his own. I will shop appropriately, but I will NOT just hang around waiting for him to tell me what he feels like eating.
He can either join the party or stay home and sulk. I'm done.
It was scary, but important that DH realize he was 1/2 hour or less away from death. Literally--if I had listened to him while he was having the h/a he would have died in the car on the way to our daughter's. He didn't know it had been that bad.
This man has fought back death 6 times in the course of our marriage. I can't describe the emotional roller coaster he has me on. Dr. pointed out that I am a part of this marriage and DH better get on board with that and be more respectful of me. Said he'd witnessed DH being pretty "rude" to me, when in fact, none of this was my fault.
My son is basically the one who chews on me. (He's a lawyer and just a little bulldog of a man). He ADORES his father and wants to blow into town, fix everything and go away the hero. Well---my girls always say "it's not a visit from "b" unless he's made mom cry. It's been a visit. He leaves tomorrow, and I am grateful for what he did...he could have been a lot nicer too. Oh well---
My daughters are sweeter. One is a bit of a daddy's girl and chews on me...but since she got married she understands a lot better how hard it is to "control" someone else. Basically, you can't.
I feel better. Calmer and more in control. I know hubby is going to be fine, if he chooses to be. He's till going to be a PITA for some time, and I think marriage counseling may be in the picture. One step at a time.
And yeah. this last week I looked at my DH and thought " this is EXACTLY how his mother talks and acts!" Not pleasant.
As he rehabs physically, he is also going to rehab emotionally. He's also going to learn how to shop for and fix his meals. I'm not willing to go to the store 4 times a week for specialty stuff. I'll cook breakfast and dinner and he will eat it or make his own.
I will admit that I made this monster. Thinking this was "being a good wifey" I did it all. Made it so he doesn't even mow the lawn, take out the trash or pay the bills.
Big changes coming.
My day has not been too good with me ending up in full anxiety attack but that is a thread for another time. Doing ok now.
Y'all take care and have a great 4th of July.
I appreciate that the kids love their Dad. Good. So do you.
But how you don't box their ears when they start telling you how to look after your own husband... Phewf. If it were me, things would get quite sweary quite quickly.
Bit more respect is in order, I think.
Ya think?
Mid, I don't know how, or why, you put up with this crap.
If I recall, DH was spending all days off and afterwork in bed, sleeping, before the heart attack, right? Expecting meals to be brought to him?
So, is that going to change?
Do the kids know that? Is he wearing hearing aids?
Aren't you due a few days at a health spa, something like that? So Son and Daughter, who are such experts, can come and hold the fort while you go and recharge your batteries.
Putting in a few honest days' work never did a child any harm if you ask me.
Yep, it IS easy for the kids to stand on the sideline and listen to daddy boo-hoo and then assume it's all my fault. I had no problem with the care post transplant. It's been the "stupid things" he's done to hurt himself and I wind up in the hotseat that makes me boil. The motorcycle wreck the day before a new grandbaby was due to be born ( I was 5 weeks post back surgery and I NEEDED HIM HOME to lift the other kids. He opted to take his rented motorcycle on a ride up our VERY dangerous canyons instead of being good to his word.) Massive concussion, bleed into the eye, hematoma in his butt that hasn't fully resolved....and I had to run him hither and yon for tests and blood transfusions, and there was my darling daughter with a 10+ lb baby and her 7 month pregnant sister trying to help her. B/c he had to make himself happy. I essentially missed the first 6 months of 3 new grandbabies' lives b/c he had to have things his way and if I tried to leave, he'd freak out.
We'll be OK. Well, let me restate that. I will be OK. He will be as good as he chooses to be. Period. I am growing a thicker skin daily.
I do appreciate your comments, don't hate my kids--they are all stellar people and they are always there when I am really needing them--but they need to live their own busy, crazy lives.
ONe daughter is coming next week to help me purge the pantry of all no-no foods (no that he'd actually COOK something, but I can start stocking my pantry with stuff he won't be tempted to eat. Plus, it really needs to be done.
I am hoping for a "miracle" that back to work makes him wake up and be engaged. I'm planning for him to be home from work for at least the rest of this week and all of next.
Dr did take him off one drug, and he will come off another in 3-6 months if he's compliant. He's currently on 19 medications. Crazy.
Gotta run--promised him that if he would walk the mall with me, I would go to a movie with him.
Thanks again--you are all so spot on. I'm trying, really. And really learning that you absolutely cannot change anyone. Ever. I have not made a dent in this man's life.
I love him, but I sure don't like him. Don't know how to get back to the "love him" stage. Really, don't know, and maybe, don't care.
A few others, but you get the drirft. The cardio doc told me to call HIM if DH didn't begin moving more.
Honestly, I want to no be involved with this at all.
Last of the out of towners are leaving. I tried to send him to Washington with my son, but my DIL said "NO WAY!".
We'll muddle through.
And Barb. yes, his baseline "normal" is to sleep all day if he doesn't go to work. Has been that way for 12 years.
Son came, that did help, and then his family showed up and we didn't see him again. S'ok. DH can sink or swim. He knows how I feel. I know he needs to see his psych doc, which will happen next week. If she does not address the crushing depression, we will find another dr for him.
This is NOT my kids' problem. It's my DH's. If he chooses, going forth, to behave, exercise and quit being a pansy, we'll be fine. Up to him.
There may be a point where I leave him and go "visit" my kids for a few days. Also my sis has a cabin and we have tentatively planned a weekend away from our families.
One thing about having a completely self absorbed DH is that you have zero expectations for him.
Said he's going to work tomorrow and I had to leave the room to go and laugh, He hasn't sat upright in almost 2 weeks. Doc even cleared him for travel, IF he will find time in the work day to EXERCISE.