A life was sacrificed........so that another could have a life!

I'm not on the committee this year, but you would NOT get MY vote for "Saint". Martyr maybe, but Saint.....ummm...no.

Yep get therapy! I look after my mum 24/7 with no help from siblings or anyone if i had the finances you claim? to have I wouldnt be on here moaning. loving a parent is giving them the best care either by ourselves and OR hired help. Cargiving is not meant to be a life sentence unless thats what you want it to be. People like you dont know youre born I would right now just be happy with $200 just to get a few days break? Do you have empathy for others doing this job with no money to help out? BOO HOO!

When my mother argues with me and goes and locks herself in her room......I say to myself, "What did I do to deserve this?" I basically live the life of a saint, but yet it feels like I have the worst treatment from my mother at times. It's like she doesn't get it......can't she see all that I do......can't she see the sacrifices I make?

My story is very true. I live it every day of my life. I could never leave because I'm in this for life. Yes, that's my fault, but I guess that is another sacrifice that I will have yo endure. I guess I just have too much goodness in me. That is the reason my mother has lived this long.....from me being here. If she was in a home or another place she would probably have died. Maybe I'm just bitter at the ways things have played out in my life with the death of my father, etc. I took it upon myself to care for my mother too, almost like that was the "sentence" imposed on me. It was very hard to have a normal life under my circumstances. With that said, my mother can be very mean at times. Even at the age of 88 she wants control and has not softened up one bit.....she will argue and fight back. I cannot go outside to get the mail without her worrying.......cannot do any yard work for any length of time. If on the rare occasion I go to the store without her......she locks herself in her room because she is afraid of someone breaking into the house. When she goes to the store with me she waits in my vehicle while I shop. Yes, my lifestyle is very unhealthy, but It has become "normal" to me because this is all I know. How would any of you like to stay home almost all of the time being a 24/7 caregiver and not being able to do anything that you want to do or to have any friends to go places with. My mother shows no mercy to me. If I mention anything about this then my mother goes into a rage with me. She sometimes go into her bedroom and lock herself in when we "argue". She is ruthless at times and shows no mercy on my, but I'm a saint and take it all. It not healthy being around another person 24/7.....even married people are not together that much. I need some breathing room. Again, my mother expects this......it's her way or nothing. As long as I'm her for her until she dies......that is all that matters to her. My life or future does not matter. I cannot build any relationship because my life is taken.

StandingAlone...you said everything I was thinking, except I'm now wondering how much truth there is to his story to be honest.

Oh, and everything, Lulabear said, too.

Ismiami, this guy has dug his own hole...he's allowed himself to be in this position. It's not that the rest of us here are green with jealousy over the guy's wealth...we just see it as the FREEDOM it represents, freedom that is at this man's disposal anytime he chooses to see reality. The only problem this man has is the fact that he allowed, yes allowed, another person to completely and totally dominate and control him. Not a good idea for anyone, money or no money. I can almost guarantee that if any of us that are much less fortunate had access to those kinds of funds, there wouldn't be a single problem. If I had a stash like this guy, and my mom tried to shit all over me, you think I'd stand for it even one minute of one damn day? People here put up with endless abuse and bullshit because they DON'T have the financial freedom to fly away and put it all behind them, but bet your sweet ass they'd be gone in an instant if they did. That's what I'm having a hard time with concerning this man. What we 'envy' is this guy's absolute ability to grab freedom and RUN, because he CAN...but we lack all the oozing sugary compassion because he has a CHOICE, but won't make it, thereby keeping HIMSELF in misery. Many here do what they do because it's a MORAL obligation, and that's great. But if we had the CHOICE in being able to hire the best care takers, provide anything and everything that our charges could desire or want, and knew we could LEAVE, nobody here would stay, especially with nasty customers like this dude's mother. I mean, really? What is this guy, a masochist? You'd almost have to be to CHOOSE to stay with a controlling, abusive parent, when the money for sweet, sweet freedom was in your hands. It's not that we lack compassion, it's that we lack understanding as to why anyone, no matter who it is, has all the damn answers right in front of their face, but chooses not to act, chooses to remain in the company of someone like his mother, when another choice is clearly within his grasp. He's not describing some wonderful, loving parent. He's describing someone pretty lousy, but he doesn't leave, when he COULD? Would that we all had such a beautiful choice in this matter. That's the fact I have no sympathy for. The guy has choices...that's more than some of us can say. But he CHOOSES his own misery. Well, as long as he's making that choice, I find it hard to feel sorry for the guy. *shrug* It's all about choices. And this guy should be thanking God on his knees that he has them. It's more than what some of us have, that's for sure. It's his CHOICES we envy, not his money.

I just came across your post, Roscoe, and had to comment. Please get professional counseling to deal with the burden you feel. Your comment "a life was sacrificed" says to me that you are very angry and view yourself as a victim at the mercy of your mother. I understand this has been going on since you were a child but somehow you have been successful in your professional life. When you were younger, was this living situation beneficial to you, allowing you to build your business?

You do have options but it seems you are mired in misery and need help climbing out of the ditch to take action. A good therapist can guide you and help you change the dynamic in your relationship with mom. Start getting out of the house daily. If your mom can't be left alone, get in-home care for a portion of each day so you can go for a walk, join a gym, go to the movies, etc.

It is not rational for you to tell your sister not to work because you chose to quit your job and you're angry. It is not rational for you to tell your mother she has stolen your life (that's pretty cruel). With the right counselor/therapist/psychologist, you have someone to help you sort through your feelings of helplessness so you can plan for the rest of your life. The more honest you are in therapy, the more the therapist can help you. He/she must have the truth: the good, bad and ugly, not just the part about how awful your mother was to steal your life. Good luck.

Being overwhelmed or potential mental health issues such as depression which paralyze you from logically handling a situation are not solely the problems of the poor. Being rich does not make you less human.

For those who discount the emotional issues of anyone because they have money, remember money does not buy happiness, perhaps some people without money cannot see that.

When you can identify with someone else because they have problems similar to you, that is a selfish sort of relating. When you can see the pain in someone whom you can not understand that is true compassion and I hope someday you can afford yourself some true compassion.

I find it very hurtful that a number of people initiated a pile on when the poster identified financial status. If you read the posts in order the tone immediately changed. I suspect some of that is based on envy.

Shame on those, I hope you find more compassion than you give.

Sincerely,
L

Roscoe, your profile says moms primary ailment is mobility. I would suggest getting an occupational to do an assessment, buy whatever aids that they suggest, hire someone to help your mom while you go on vacation. Use that time to figure out if you want to continue living your life like this.

Agree with you Barbara. not very kind but Roscoe has got a way out but Mom has those apron strings pretty tight and he may be afraid to face the world alone.
The only answer is pull up those big boy pants and figure out what is the healthiest way forward for both him and Mom

Roscoe, the second I read that you're a self made millionaire, any sympathy I had for you flew out the window. I'll be blunt, as is my nature. Get your head out of your ass. You have millions, you say? Great! Then freedom, sweet freedom, is at your fingertips. You are certainly NOT at the mercy of your mother...not unless YOU allow it, and bow down to it. HIRE somebody with all those millions to come and do the job YOU'VE been doing all your life. What the hell is your mom going to do? Get angry? Damn, sucks for HER doesn't it? How in the hell can you be smart enough to make all that money, but too ignorant not to see the forest for the trees? Nothing, and I mean nothing, except mental chains, which YOU allow to be there, is holding you back from living life. If I were you, GOD, how I wish I were you, I'd have hired the best damn caretakers on the planet, and my ass would be sitting on a beautiful, peaceful, lovely tropical island somewhere, sipping a margarita and thanking God for my beautiful, beautiful life. Are you kidding me? I get mental chains, I really do. But what you aren't getting is that you have the power to break them. Your mom has you by the balls. It's up to you to loosen that grip on them and start being your own man. You say your mom is in control. Allow me to enlighten you. NO, she's not. YOU are. You just don't realize it because obviously, you've been brain washed. Take some of that money, hire the people you need, and get the HELL out of dodge and grab your life back. What's mother going to do? Physically overwhelm you and tie you to a chair? lol That I'd like to see. Will she yell at you? Call you names? Big deal. I'd be grinning like a fool as I skipped out the door whistling as I took off on my private plane to places I couldn't WAIT to discover. Oh, she's going to call you and bug you if you leave? Turn the phone off. You need to seriously wake up my friend and get a new attitude and new perspective, because yours is certainly skewed. All the answers are right in front of you. SEE that for the truth it is. Good luck... And do me a favor, hmmm? Have a drink for me when you get to that island. lol

Debralee, oh I can relate. My mother is not well off, but she can afford some services and some things are free in her city but for the most part she is only comfortable with family. Part of the hook is if you don't help them they will let themselves really suffer and decline rather than accept "outside" help. It sets you up to actually neglect them to force the point. And they guess, often correctly, that their adult child won't do this. It sucks.

Roscoe, sounds like you were brainwashed into thinking that your life is about Mom - it's not. If whatever help you need to make your own life - you deserve it!
She may fuss and fume, but really the power is yours. And your financial situation will enable you to subcontract her care - morally we are only obligated to help parents in cases of destitution and that does NOT mean they get to decide how basic help if provided. Get started on your own life today - it will be wonderful, though you may need some time to adjust and experiment. You won't regret it.

Bermuda you said it all when it comes to my relationship with my mother. She has literally enmeshed herself in my life to ensure her happiness. She had four daughters, one deceased now, and I was the unlucky winner. Why she picked me out of four is perplexing. I am so opposite from her, whereas, two of my sisters are so much more like her and the other one more similiar to me. I am a middle child, so it cannot be birth order. Unfortuneatly I have had to distance myself with boundaries because of the psychological pain she was causing me due to her neediness and codependency. The guilt and daily dwelling on the situation is there, but better to deal with that than allowing her to use me as a convenience to make her life easier. There is nothing worse than trying to make someone happy only to have it thrown back in your face with complaints about the effort. The hardest part is she needs help now, she is 82 with COPD, a widow and home owner. She has yet to hire anyone to help her except the occasional next door neighbor for yard work. I do take her to doctors appoinments even though I have to schedule my work hours around them and drive two hours round trip to do it. My sister takes her food shopping, but has the priveledge to be able to work it around her work schedule. My husband use to do all the house maintenance, until I put a stop to that. My mother would have an never endling list of things to do and it was too much. I have researched all the available information for her to get the help she needs, but if it costs money forget it. She is in a good financial position, but feels she is entitled to all the freebies she can get at her disposal. Yes, the elderly can suck the life out of their adult children so they can have a life of entitlements.

Roscoe, you don't have to be the martyr if you have money to care for your mother. If you are choosing to "sacrifice your life" for her when you don't need to, then there's other issues going on that need to be addressed through counseling.

if id had money mom and i would have visited germany and gotten as effed up as hogans goat-- at wacken metal fest.

Yes, some of us have been programmed by a parent whose mental health was not the best. No one can get you out of it except yourself and that takes work. The anger a person feels at a parent who enmeshes them from childhood ties them to that parent. The natural longing/hope for a good relationship tends to do the same. For me, I had recognition that this was an unhealthy situation and determination to live my own life from very young. Slowly over time, and with counselling, I am in a better space than I have ever been, and still growing. My mother would engulf me if I allowed it, but I don't. Why some get out of it and some don't, I don't know. One thing I have learned in life is that there is a "payoff" for the choices we make. We may choose to stay in a situation or to get out of it for the "reward" we perceive from our choices. I respect anyone's right to make their own choices - just realise that is what you are doing. No one else is responsible for your choices. No one can redo the past. All we can do it deal with each day as it comes, and make it as good for ourselves as possible.
Roscoe, I reread your title, and think that that concept most often applies to a parent giving up their life for their child. But then, unhealthy parents want their children to parent them, and that is what you are doing for your mum, If you choose to stay in your situation as it is, and let off steam, so be it.

Coming to this thread late don't know if Roscoe is still reading. Some mothers do program their children so that even when they are adults they feel completely obligated to ensure their mother's happiness or they experience great psychological pain. It's like the adult child has electrodes installed in their brain that their mother can set off with the right phrase or even a tone of voice. That is why well meaning advice of "just do it" or "just don't do it" is mysteriously not followed. Nobody is another person's slave without a control mechanism in place. Roscoe I would encourage you to find a therapist and figure out what the control mechanism is in your case, you deserve freedom.

If you have means to hire some fulltime home help to care for your mum and take your life back what is your problem??????? Sometimes I think we use an elderly parent as an excuse to hide our own issues? Yep get some therapy and be grateful for what you have? I love my mum I want to look after her but cannot do this without a break I cannot get a break without money you have so many options and continue to let your mum control your life?? sorry I dont get it? If i had that kind of money I would be a very happy caregiver!
Am getting pissed off too!

Roscoe, you are opening up, expressing your feelings, looking for help. This is progress. What is it you want your life to be? Can you find a good therapist? He will help you find out what you want, and how to handle your mother . You just want help to figure out this problem, therapist are good at that. Money certainly can free from much of the burden of caregiving. You are an intelligent go getter. You are a self made millionaire. Spend some of that on finding happiness. Good luck

Why did your mother need care when you were 15? Are you sure you aren't using Mom as your excuse from living? (That was the title of a lecture they gave us as first year med students, "Medicine, An Excuse From Living.")

p.s.
The saints choose to suffer & sacrifice, did it with love, compassion, and wisdom and for love of God & His wisdom and free will to follow/fulfill His plan for their lives and to honor all concerned and to serve a higher purpose.. if you do that, then you will be blessed & happy, as you have a life filled with meaning, purpose, love and all the rewards of it.. because you choose it... and it serves/honors all concerned.

The saints fought evil with every ounce of their living, they choose to allowed themselves to be victimized when needed, allowed it with wisdom.

They were not powerless victims but powerful warriors for good, God and humanity- read about them & their lives and their works as they show the way... and cream does rise, pain really is the good stuff if used wisely.

:)

Roscoe, look up co-dependent relationships. You need to have some time for yourself for your own emotional health. Get out and turn off her manipulative behavior, save your own sanity. Realize that at 88 she will throw the same tantrums as a 4 year old and this will get worse if you allow it to continue.

Roscoe888-

My heart goes out to you. It seems that your mother maneuvered you into the role of husband vs helpful/supportive son when you were dependent upon her and she was unwilling to move on and build a new life after the death of her husband/or father. So sad for your family- she was the parent and misused/abuse her role and you. And as a child you could not have understood, and certainly did not have the power to “tough lover” her to move on and become a healthy, happy, fulfilled person.

A loving mentally/emotionally/spiritually healthy parent would have taken ONLY reasonable support, and built a new life for her family and supported you to make your own live in which she would have been your support an a living mother and grandmother... in a perfect world yes.. in this world, not too likely when a dutiful & supportive son was on hand to be used to enable her unwillingness to move on an be a good parent.

Are you to blame. No. This is very similar to sexual abuse and just as confusing to the child. This is abuse of parental rights, responsibilities and the child. Breaking free of this may indeed seem impossible especially since it seems your sister also accepted & reinforced your role pseudo-husband, as it freed, possibly supported in making the life she chose.

Prior posts do not seem to consider love, honor thy father and thy mother, duty as ties that bind and that your post is infused with a sense of responsibility, a very strong desire to do the right thing. She has, possibly with the help of your father long before his death and your sister’s help/reinforcement, tied you up with emotional ties of love, honor, duty.

Clearly you know you that you can put her into full-time care and walk away from both of them physically.. but how to you do this and still love them & yourself and not feel that you are a bad person who is not fulfilling his duty. Reverse your question how to you take your life without denying her her own? I think that is your (full) question.

Consider this-
People suffering from Stockholm syndrome come to identify with and even care for their captors in a desperate, usually unconscious act of self-preservation. It occurs in the most psychologically traumatic situations, often hostage situations or kidnappings, and its effects usually do not end when the crisis ends. In the most classic cases, victims continue to defend and care about their captors even after they escape captivity. Symptoms of Stockholm syndrome have also been identified in the slave/master relationship, in battered-spouse cases and in members of destructive cults.

Would you ask her to do for you, as you have done and continue to do for her?
- You do not sound like you would.
Do unto others as you would have them to unto you
- would you want anyone to allow/empower/enable you to do this to your child or any other human being?
- I do not think so per your post.
Honor thy father and thy mother/thy family- absolutely!
- Honoring your parents and your family means to act honorably- if other look on, is this situation giving honor to you or to her? NO.
- Honoring your parents means acting with honor, compassion and wisdom to be a credit to yourself, your family and your community. It does not mean being a slave/doormat/hostage.
What would you advise someone else to do if they were in the same situation as you?

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.
- Your mother has not used your love & support to become a whole person, to fulfill her life and act with love, compassion and honor.
- Would you allow your child to act this way toward you or any other person, continue to support & enable it and there by approve of it and keep it going until death? I don’t think so.

Though love time.
Love her not to continue this abuse, be the loving parent vs the co-dependent one.
- If that means put her and your sister in time-out for the rest your lives – that is the bed they made..
- you have given ample opportunity for them to use your love & support with clove, wisdom & compassion..
- they chose not to..
- so now they should suffer the consequences
- and you as a loving & wise family member should allow and enable and empower their un-wise, self-serving and abusive choices
- … and go make a life for yourself not only free of those un-serving duties, but free of guilt, KNOWING in your heart and your mind that you ARE making the loving, wise and compassionate choice… not a self-serving unloving choice.
Tough love is the hardest love of all and takes the greatest love, compassion and wisdom- it is what we all receive form God 24/7/365.. and most of us resist 24/7/265! LOL.. it is human nature, most humans are “sinful, stiff-necked, willful, and disobedient (to what is right).
- So forgive them, pray for them and continue to love them
- But if they will not return your love & treat you with respect keep them in time out.
- If either changes (unlikely give their ages) then visit and communicate with them as you would anyone who treats you as they do. Accept and allow the good, find the good in the past & your very long period of testing & service and the experience & wisdom gained and BE happy.
- Use all – the good and the bad to find and fulfill your life- all is as it needs to be, you have lost nothing and have plenty of time for you.. and will make a wonderful husband for some fortunate woman if you rise to the challenges you face.
- The cream rises, sounds graceful, but it must actually be a pretty volatile chemical process… LOL.
It is indeed painful for humans to be the cream that rises, slow and painful and only by grace- so it can look graceful to others.. and does indeed bring grace to all concerned.
- The pain, the suffering, the sacrifice IS the good stuff- extract the gold & toss the dross- and embrace your spiritual, emotional, physical and financial abundance and put it to wise use… and enjoy the rewards a VERY blessed life, which you have earned the right to enjoy without guilt, and honor thy family!

Peace & happiness are in the heart- cannot be pursued or extracted from or given by others
– be happy
– be wise
Now, where you are, as you are, and work your way to the life you deserve with love, compassion, wisdom & honor and you cannot fail or do any harm to anyone.

:) LOL.. today really is the first day of the rest of your life!

The glass is neither half full or empty- it is a half a glass of water.
The question is what will you do with it… it is your life and your choice.
Choose well and be blessed.

Roscoe, since June you have been complaining about how terrible it is to have to take care of your mother. It is a living hell. It is torture. You have no life of your own. And you have received literally hundreds of responses validating your feelings, sympathizing with you, sharing similar stories, and giving you advice about making changes, because you deserve happiness.

Many people complain over and over, because, darn it, caregiving is a job that generates complaints and often we have no one to vent to. This is a good site to come to for that.

If what you want is to vent and you are not interested in making any changes, it would be helpful if you make that clear in your post.

Otherwise, caregivers that we all are, we want to help you. We want you to feel better. We want you to have a chance at happiness.

Please take LS's advice seriously. See a therapist. If the first appointment isn't a good fit, don't give up -- find another therapist.

Personally I want to send you a warm hug and also a kick in the pants. It is time to fish or cut bait. You want a chance at happiness? Seek professional help.

BLAH BLAH, Sounds more like we should start a dating website or just a virtual dating website.

Another book I just finished (from the library) and then bought is The $100 Start-Up by Chris Guillebeau. It's not how to make a million, but gives you a lot of ideas about people who started their own businesses because of some idea/passion/need they wanted to fill. It's very inspirational. I created a caregiver-related business from scratch 6 years ago and while I'm finally in the black, I need to make more. This book has gotten me excited about a new venture I'm starting to work on. The people he profiles in his book started with nothing and are now supporting themselves. Some doing quite well. It's worth a read (from your library).

I feel your pain. I don't know your background or your values but I know many belief systems and families reinforce the idea that personal/self sacrifice is 'good' and focusing on our own needs is 'selfish'.

However, it is also true that we are told to put the oxygen mask on our own face on an airplane flight before helping even a child. Interesting. After a certain point, the quality of care one can give is diminished if we ourselves are burnt-out.

Allowing our beliefs to evolve and change is not easy but it is sometimes necessary.

There is a season for all things and this may simply be your season for YOU.

Good luck!

Gladimhere,
There is an old book, that has been updated and turned into a franchise. It offers great insight, The Millionaire Next Door. They state 80% of millionaires are first generation wealthy, not trust babies. It is an easy and interesting read that does offer a roadmap of sorts. If you are serious about exploring the subject, it is worth checking out.