Love notes from caregivers who have lost someone.

Ok, I'll start, well many of you know that I am #5 of 6 kid's who grew up in a very close, fun and loving family, and I have my parents to Thank for that! My parents have both passed away, my Dad died in 2003 of a very rare called PSP, Progressive Supranucular Palsy, which was a long drawn out process over about 9 years. It is a hideous disease which is similar to Parkinson's, but doesn't respond to Parkinson's drugs. It robs you of your balance first, then it attacks your diaphragm and your ability to do inspiration and expiration, robs you of your speech, then your swallowing, which was especially difficult because my Dad Loved to eat, and my Mom was a fantastic cook! But, he enjoyed life till the very end, and loved to be doted on by my Mom and his kid's. Even when it came down to being bathed and fed, my Dad was able to see the love and Devotion of his supportive family, and I believe he was proud that He created us to be that way, My Mom was the very best Mom ever, she was the perfect confidant, friend, supporter and Nana, life could offer. My Mom passed away in 2004 of Uterine Cancer, which was such a tragedy as she never smoked, and never took hormones, it just was so unfair that such a wonderful person should get a cancer that became so aggressive and painful. But again, I never heard from her, Why Me?, not until the end when she was really ready to go and then it was from the pain. Her Cancer had metastasized to her pelvic bones and she was bed fast for the last 6 months of her life. So that's the back story, now here's the Front. My parents were born in Wales, UK. Both of them finished school at age 14 as they did back in those days and both worked in the town of Newport. My Dad worked in a men's suit store, he was 1 year older than my Mm, at now 17. My Mom, age 16 worked in a department/variety store, and was in customer sales and was the window dresser, it was dressing a female manaquin that my Dad first noticed her, and gave her a wink. My Mom was So shy when she was young, but he persisted, and continued to show up, at the bus stop, on her lunch hour, on the corner, and finally got the nerve to ask her out to the weekly dance at the local dance hall. She was Smitten! I can write this like I can see it in my minds eye, as I had heard this story so many times, and with added details as She remembered over the years and with different audiences present. Anyways, that was it, he took her out as often as possible, to dances, big band concerts, he was a Big Band Fanatic til his dying day, to the movies, and in those days, there weren't car's, well there were if you had money, but the UK was still recovering from the War. And nobody they new had money, they were still on rations. But he made dates into romantic adventures, traveling to different towns by train or bus to see a new band, meeting her in the morning before work with a pastry and a latte, lattes were just instant coffee made with milk back then, THE ORIGINAL LATTE my Mom used to say, lol. My Mom was the youngest of 5, and her eldest sister had married an American GI, and they went to Seattle, Washington where he was from. They wanted my Grandparents and my Mom, then 17 to come to America, the land of opportunity, and of course it sounded wonderful,but my Mom didn't want to leave my Dad, but she had no choice. So she tried to break it off with him, knowing that they were just waiting for the Ok from the Embassy to allow them out of the country. Well that didn't really work as they were already in Love. So my Dad said he would come too, but his own Mother wouldn't allow him to go and you had to be 20 at the time. So finally their papers were processed, and they were saving the money for passage on a ship, and my Auntie had heard of a line of boats that had been recomissioned from War transports to passenger ships, and would cost alot less than the QE2, so the booked passage on a boat called The Marine Marlin. So they said their goodbyes, promising to write every day. Now,, a cross Atlantic Ocean trip should have been a week, but their trip was fraught with horrible weather and bad sea conditions and the trip took 14 days. It was believed that the boat was lost at sea, and it was reflected in the New York newspaper. My Mom had a cousin waiting in New York, boy were they worried! So then a cross country train trip and they landed in Seattle, this was the winter of 1948. They Loved it here, and being reunited with the eldest sister, who now had had a baby boy. My Mom found work in The Empress Hotel, the finest hotel in Seattle at the time, but my Grandfather had trouble finding work and they missed all their other kids back home so they returned to Wales one year later with the promise to return, but to convince their other kid's and their spouses to come back with them, this time they traveled home to the UK, on the QE2, my Mom was very pleased indeed as she had missed her boyfriend (my Dad) so much! So the story goes on and one by one all of my Mom's sibling's and their families immigrated to the US, all of them, to Seattle, and of course by this time my Dad was of age, 20 came over with her, and they married here, in 1950. They went on to have the firstof their 4 kkid's still living with her parents, that is just how attached my Mom was to her parents, but it was like that in her family, the War year's made everyone hold tight together ,but my my Nana convinced her it was alright and time for her to get on with their lives and they bough their first home. Four years later when I came along, they had moved into a much larger home, and the one I grew up in and they owned until he retired and they no longer wanted the responsibilities of the yard work and wanted to travel more. They provided a beautiful life for us 6 kids, loads of family, cousins, a great big house, plenty of weekend trips, and vacations and Hollidays, especially Christmas and always music in our home! ! They were the parents with the funny British Accents, lol. And then we all grew up and had families of our own, and then they became our very best friends, they were the best Grandparents in the world, and all our children adored them! We often traveled together even up through the first 8 years of my Dad's ilness, and her severe knee Osteoarthritis, but we then just took wheelchairs with us, I mean, they were loads of fun and always rearing to go! That was the most Awesome thing about my parents, up until they absolutely couldn't, they Absolutely Did, they loved the Adventures of life, and they had an incredibly romantic connection, and were always affectionate in front of us kids, appropriately so! So that's my happy memories of my parents and my childhood, I am extremely close to all 5 siblings, and when things got very very tough with our parents ilnesses, we held tight worked together and we got through it, and I do know just how incredibly lucky I am, and it pains me when I hear so many stories of families in discord, especially with ailing parents, it is just so not fair to the one who does it all, and I am the first to admire and applaud you, but I really was just raised by the these two very best of parents, and I thank them for that and for giving me this wonderful supportive family, and I see in each one of my siblings, my parents, which is so comforting! I am proud of my parents, my hheritage and my husband for joining into this kooky family of mine! My only regret is that they passed away so young at 74 and 75 years old, it just sucks to lose you parents when you are only 43. I wish I could have had them so much longer, but I know that they are together in Heaven, and that I will one day get to see them once again! Thanks for listening to my happy memories of my parents! Now you please share your's!

Okay I'll try.

My Mom was born in Tyrone County, Ireland in 1923. She had 9 sisters and two brothers. She moved to Cardston, Alberta, Canada when she was seven. She was brought up on a farm. She always used to talk so fondly of living on a farm.The stories she used to tell about her life there made me smile. Her Dad used to get her to round up the cows before dinner. Then there was the time she said she got chased by a bull and had to jump a fence to get away. She recalled fondly the love her parents shared. She said she never saw them when they weren't holding hands

Her first job was working in a bank. Apparently they gave her a gun to carry when she made the bank's deposits at the end of the day. My Mom said "I told them I'll carry it but don't expect me to use it" After she told me that story I would tease her and call her Annie Oakley.

My Dad was born in Russia. He had 14 kids in his family. His Father was a Baptist minister and in those days it was dangerous to be a Baptist in Russia so my Father's family had to leave that country and they moved to Germany. I'm not sure when they moved to Canada.

My Dad was dating my Mom's sister when they first met. He was 14 years older than my Mom. I don't know a lot of the details of their first meeting but I know they had a small service at the Justice of the Peace with her sister and sister's husband in attendance.

Since I am the second youngest of 7 children and my Dad died when I was 4 I don't have a lot of memories of their marriage or their life before I came along. My Dad died of pancreatic cancer. By the time the doctors discovered it he was stage 3. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer around the same time. She told me a sad, sad, story how when she was recovering in hospital from her mastectomy and my Dad came to visit her. She said he was so sick from cancer himself that she wanted to get out of the hospital bed and let him have it. One of my uncles told me that they thought we might lose them both.

After my Dad died we moved from Ontario to Vancouver, Canada. My Mom had been a stay at home Mom and had never worked through their whole marriage so at first she sewed for a dance company. Sewed their costumes etc. Eventually she went back to school and got her accounting certification.

What stands out most for me in my childhood was that my Mom was at work a lot. My older brothers and sisters looked after the youngsters. I used to miss her so much. Apparently I've been told that I was a real Daddy's girl even though I don't remember that so when he died I clung to my Mom. I used to sit at the window and wait for her to come home from work. Every night when she walked by my bedroom door I would yell out "Love you Mom". I'd leave her little love notes in secret places where she would find them throughout the day.

Even though she worked a lot and I had to share her with 6 siblings I always felt so loved and cherished. We went to church every Sunday and my Mom taught Sunday school. Then she would take us out to our favorite restaurant after church every Sunday.

Things got very difficult when one of my brothers was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He was very dangerous and violent at times and I lived in fear always that he would hurt my Mom. At night I would lay awake and listen. One night I heard all this shouting and my brother had my Mom by the collar and was hitting her on the head with a chin up bar. I was so protective of her that even though I was terrified of my brother I got between them and yelled "hit me" Eventually the police were called and my brother was taken away but I feel like I may of saved my Mom's life in that moment.

My Mom worked till she was 68 and when she retired we sold the house and my Mom and two of my brothers lived together. I was living on my own but still had that strong, strong connection to my Mom. We became best buddies. Shopping, going to movies, lunches out, long walks. My Mom didn't drink so we used to go coffee shop hopping together. She had the best sense of humor. Sometimes we laughed so hard we peed ourselves.

I noticed the start of my Mom's declining health around age 89. I am sure it had started long before that of course cause she was very sneaky about hiding it from me. When she was eighty she had a triple bypass and at that time the doctors said she would probably be good for another 10 years. I used to always say "don't listen to them, you are going to live to be 115" Wishful thinking. And knowing what I know today about caregiving and how heartbreaking it can be I wonder what was I thinking, wishing for that.

The forgetfulness started. She'd say she was eating and taking her medications but I soon discovered with a little investigative work that she was keeping it all from me. I soon became her little watchdog/care giver. You all know this part of the story of course.

I couldn't begin to describe in a few sentences what my Mom meant to me. She was the kindest, sweetest, most caring and loving person I have ever had the honor to know.

There is so much more I could say. I could probably write a book about my Mom.
But for those of you who take the time to read this, thank-you for listening.

Gershun, that was beautiful, and aren't we lucky to have had such wonderful parents, and especially Mother's who became even more wonderful friends! I really enjoyed hearing about your family and your childhood! Thanks for sharing! It was fun to remember wasn't it!

Stacey it was. Your story was beautiful too. I know we both could of written a whole book. Its hard to summarize a beautiful life isn't it? I think we both did pretty darn good.

Gershen,Yes, Yes we did!

Theres a song by Glenn Frye from the Eagles that just reminds me so of my Mom that I thought I'd put the lyrics here.

I felt it when the sun came up this morning
I knew that I could not wait another day
Darling, there is something I must tell you
A distant voice is calling me away

Until we find the bridge across forever
Until this grand illusion brings us home
You and I will always be together
From this day on you'll never walk alone

You're a part of me, I'm a part of you
Where ever we may travel
What ever we go through
Whatever time may take away
It cannot change the way we feel today
So hold me close and say you feel it too
You're a part of me and I'm a part of you

I can hear it when I stand beside the river
I can see it when I look up in the sky
I can feel it when I hear that lonesome highway
So many miles to go before I die

We can never know about tomorrow
But still we have to choose which way to go
You and I are standing at the crossroads
Darling, there is one thing you should know

You're a part of me, I'm a part of you
Where ever we may travel
Whatever we go through
Whatever time may take away
It cannot change the way we feel today
So hold me close and say you feel it too
You're a part of me and I'm a part of you

I look at you, your whole life stands before you
I look at me and I'm running out of time
Time has brought us here to share these moments
To look for something we may never find

Until we find the bridge across forever
Until this grand illusion brings us home
You and I will always be together
From this day on you'll never walk alone

Xxxx

For Drummergirl

Xxx

For you, who have lost someone and today is Thanksgiving, your first holiday without that person, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

For Hope, who has lost her dear Mom just before Christmas,
Sending love and prayers for you.

Stacey and Gershun, thinking of you at Christmas!

Happy New Year greetings, to those who are not forgotten in your struggle, recent loss, best wishes for the new year, love from Send.
I would list your names, but would not want to leave anyone out.

There is another year, anything can happen! Take heart, know t h at you are loved

....

Nyah and Katie, so sorry for your loss. Love from Send

Gershun and Stacey, I understand that you loved your parents very much. I guess love spreads, or is catching, or something heartfelt.
My mother passed about 25+ years ago. Today, because of your good words for your Moms, I can say that I loved that my Mom sang 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' to her children.

Ahh Send, thats So Sweet! It is Awesome to remember them in the Healthy Years! I know that so many of our Caregiver Community here have lost their parents, Moms and Dad's this past year and it is the absolute roughest time in our live, figuring out how to go on, without them, and especially if the had a long, painful and lingering disease like mine both had, but you do eventually move forward in your own lives, just as they would have wanted you to! You can't at first believe that you can, but you will! I promise that you will! As much as I miss them, they were the ones to show us how to move gorward, in losing their own parents, our Grandparent's. So, like we always try to set good examples for our own kids, in the way in which you handle every aspect of your life, including loss, sadness and grieving, this is how we learn, and then teach, the cycle of life. It always gets better

....

Sorry for your loss, dear Reverseroles.

A. P o e m:
Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on the ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning hush, I am the swift, uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there, I did not die. -Mary Frye

And there are those who know their loved ones were instantly in the presence of their God. Love, from Send

Amen!

Sendme2help...That's a beautiful poem.Thank you.

This is the hardest Easter of my lifetime.I miss Mother So much....On my 5th Easter growing up,Mother helped me start a beloved rabbit collection.Through the years and Easter's,they really multiplied and now I have so many at 55.And so many memories attached to a lot of them...but without Mom,it's the end of that too.Tomarrow I am joining a church and I wish so bad that Mom could be there.I'm so lonely without her.I can't talk to my husband or my 2 brothers at all and I lost my 1 friend because she got tired of me never being able to do anything with her.I am grateful for this site.Just heartbroken and venting.....

Ahh Lucky, I'm sorry you are struggling through these firsts without your Mom by your side! Please know that it is often like this for all of us who Love our parents so much, and then lose them. It is one of those steps through the grieving process, and it will get better with time, and you will be so grateful that she left you so many memories of her, especially in those holiday collections. Remember, she may very well have even thought about you with each and every purchase, that one day, after she was gone, that you will have this to remind you of her, not that you needed 50, lol, but just that it may comfort you in the years ahead. God bless her! I know that I treasure every little silly thing that I have to remind me of my parents. It's a good thing! Love to you as you are going through this time! Stacey B

Hope, Stacey, Gersun, and Luckylu,
Love to all of you on this Easter!
from Send.

Love to you too, G e r s h u n !

Thank-you Send!

Lucky, Stacey and all who are missing their Mothers this holiday weekend, my thoughts are with you all.

I was invited to have dinner with my brother this weekend but am just not up to it. My Hubs is away and its just me and the kitties.

I had a dream about my Mom last night. In the dream we were at some carnival and every time I saw her she was off in the distance talking to someone else. I kept waiting for her to be free so that i could talk to her. Finally the man who was monopolizing her company stood up and looked at me with a motion to go and see your Mom. There was this little alcove. It almost looked like a seat on a ferris wheel. Mom was sitting there and she motioned me to come over. I went and sat beside her, put my head down on her shoulder and just bawled my eyes out. I didn't say a word. It was like all the sadness and despair I have been feeling since she died just came pouring out. My Mom did not say anything. She just let me bawl.

I don't know what the dream meant if anything but its always nice to see my dear, dear Mom in my dreams.

There are no words. This goes out to the heaviest heart, with love.

Sendme2help...Thank you for starting this discussion.Thank you for caring about people who are hurting so much and giving us a place to vent our thoughts and feelings without our beloved loved ones.Gershun...What a gift to see and be with your Mom,even if it was in a dream.I bet that is very comforting to you.
I am thankful that I had Mother as long as I did,but I was never ready for her to go.She was so sweet(most the time)and she had her mind and we shared every secret and I am so lonely and lost without my dear best friend....To all,Take care....Lu