Many of us have our LOVED ONES living in Memory Care, Assisted Living or Nursing Homes all across the world. There are many reasons for it, too, most often because their care needs far exceed our abilities and they require a team of 24/7 caregivers at their disposal versus one single human being to tend to their myriad of chronic needs.
We should not, and do not, need to explain or justify our decisions to all the haters and bashers out there who love to tell us we 'owe' our parents for giving birth to us! That we should sacrifice our lives for them and convert our homes into hospitals! Tear down walls and stairs and build ramps and install cameras and baby monitors. Bring in hoards of adult briefs and wipes, lay down black rugs in front of doorways for those with dementia so they'll think it's a 'hole' and not run out into the night & get lost! Lock up chemicals under the sinks and unplug appliances so our mothers don't get electrocuted! Shut off the gas, empty out the refrigerator so dad doesn't eat himself up to 500 lbs after forgetting he's already eaten 5 minutes ago 30 times in a row!
Some are able to do these things with no problem. Some have the funds and the ability to quit their jobs and devote their lives to full time care giving. To stop going out for their OWN doctor appointments even so they can stay home 24/7 so dad won't fall and get hurt, even though he may fall and get hurt ANYWAY, because such a thing is not preventable. But that's another topic for another day.
Whatever we choose to do about caring for our loved one is FINE. We should never be judged or shamed for placing our loved one in Assisted Living, Memory Care or Skilled Nursing. We should not have to explain why we made that decision, or justify it to anyone, least of all someone bashing our decision on this FORUM! And we're seeing more & more & more of it lately! Day in and day out and it's infuriating!
Why do we never see a poster bashing someone for taking care of their loved one at home? Why is that fine? Why isn't someone telling the son that he's ruining his mother's life by hovering over her and not giving her socialization with people her own age in Assisted Living?
Yet people find it perfectly acceptable and JUSTIFIED to tell a poster her mother has been 'thrown away' in a nursing home and is 'lonely' and 'scared' and 'miserable' and being 'mistreated' and fed 'dog food' and not being cared for or showered or dressed in clean clothing. Really? How do YOU know how MY mother is being treated in HER residence? You don't!
There are bad Memory Cares & SNFs out there, of course there are...........I had my mother in one in 2019 for rehab and had to TAKE HER OUT OF THERE in short order and get her into a new SNF that was wonderful. I even moved both parents out of one so-so AL into another one that's terrific.
But guess what? There are bad PRIVATE HOMES out there too, where the sons and daughters are screaming bloody murder at their mother all day long, and leaving her alone like a dog in the bed, maybe not even feeding her or changing her soiled brief all day long! How do YOU know how the person is being treated in HER residence? You don't! Yet a poster is way more prone to applaud the son or daughter for 'keeping her mother at home' than for placing her in Assisted Living where there is transparency!
We read lots & LOTS of posts here about angry sons & daughters full of resentment over giving up their lives for their parent(s) care. Who knows WHAT is going on in those homes; who's looking out for the elder THERE? Nobody. Facilities each have Ombudsmen and each state issues a license to a facility after an inspection, typically conducted semiannually. Bad facility=license gets revoked.
Remember: In home CGs are not 'saints' & the rest of us 'evil'. Keep that in mind when posting.
Think before you post. Don't pass judgement on ANYBODY who's looking for support. If you leave ugly comments, YOU may wind up with an ugly reply to it.
Hospice was a huge blessing to me and our family during my father's end of life experience NHWM, similar to you and your brother. Many people simply refuse to embrace and accept the fact that their loved one has a TERMINAL illness and is going to die ANYWAY, and hospice just keeps them comfy during the process. THAT is the bottom line. If hospice was in the business of euthanizing people, they'd have been shut down long ago. Not to mention, their FUNDING would END if the person died.
Poor Elaine's mother had her UNDER the rock! The biggest rock ever!
None of us "in the know" would ever question anything about you Elaine. You did your best and then some. It's a wonder it didn't all make you ill or worse. Your mom was your mom, it's sad that she's gone, but she "did it her way."
On Mom's side, she made her own choices and she lived her own way and no one ever got that away from her; she likely would choose it all again, and have it end where it did.
Love out to you.
I really believe what you are saying is absolutely true.
I feel like you do, that some people aren’t ready to accept their loved one’s death. So they blame hospice!
I am not heartless. I know that you are not heartless either.
You and I knew that we did not want any pain and suffering to be prolonged with our family members.
Some people think it’s awful to ask God to take them home. I don’t think that it’s wrong to pray for that. They are dying.
My brother was ready to go. I wanted him to be at peace.
He found peace in the end of life hospice facility.
I don’t understand why some people object to their loved one receiving morphine.
Nurses are keeping patients comfortable. The patients are already dying.
I do fully understand that it is extremely hard for many people to see suffering and death.
We all struggle as we watch people suffer.
I told the hospice nurse that my brother was going to walk out of hospice.
He had done that once before! My brother was like a cat with nine lives.
Plus, he rallied for awhile when his children and grandchildren went to visit him.
So I thought it wasn’t his time yet.
The hospice nurse was honest with me and told me, “No, your brother is not going to walk out this time. He is dying.”
She was compassionate but forced me to accept the truth.
I respect people who don’t sugar coat the facts.
I can handle the truth. I can’t handle when people aren’t truthful with me.
The entire hospice staff was fantastic, nurses, the social worker and clergy.